To Porn Or Not To Porn

So, by now you all probably know that our great state of Utah leads the country in the largest population of Internet porn surfers. The thought of all those righteous Mormons sneakin a peek makes me laugh out loud and, actually, doesn't surprise me at all. I've also been told that Utah has among the highest numbers of anti-depressant users, domestic violence, bankruptcy and suicide of young men between the ages of 15-24. Utah is supposedly third in the nation among female meth addicts. Awesome.

We are also up there in the overweight category - probably because we also, apparently, win in the most fry sauce, most tubs of Snelgrove's ice cream and, of course, most green jello with shredded carrot categories. Okay, I know that we joke about Mormons and green jello but the unbelievably lame fact that Utah really does eat giant amounts of the stuff makes me kinda glad for all the porn. Restores the balance somehow.

Of course Mormons are sneaking the porn! The Church's teachings about sex plop most of them in a freaking sexual pressure cooker. They are human and it is a forbidden fruit. It is there and it is pleasing to the eye and they are reminded every time they turn around not to think about it. We all know that if we are told not to think about something, or not to do something, over and over it becomes more and more the only thing we want to do or think about. No one is telling me not to look at porn and just the fifteen minutes I have spent, thus far, writing this post has made me totally want to hunker down with a carton of Snelgrove's and watch "A Marvelous Boob and a Bootie." The power of suggestion, Baby.

Big surprise - I am not in the camp of those that think porn is evil. I do think it can be addicting and problematic and cause warping and frighteningly unrealistic sexual expectations. But, to me, those aren't even the worse things about porn.

You want to know the real problem I have with porn? It totally sucks! The writing, acting, lighting, directing... Oh my God, the few times I have been around it I totally forgot that it was supposed to be arousing because I was too busy throwing my shoes and yelling at the screen. In one, a couple was on a blanket in a park and, I am not kidding, a fly landed on the guy's butt.

I had this conversation with a friend who assured me that other countries make beautiful, well lit porn. Okay, fine. Whatever. But, honestly, I don't even have time to watch any of the hundreds of real films I am dying to see. Privates of the Caribbean is just going to have to wait.

Maybe I'll check out the porn when I'm seventy. That's when I plan on having time to garden too. Until then I'll leave it to the good folks of Utah and their family values.