Bottled

Comment: "Can you be purchased in some sort of bottled product for my consumption?"

Ha-ha. Funny you should ask. I can, actually. Not purchased but made. Shaken not stirred. Blended.

Just take a quarter cup of weird and add a cup of spaz. Blend until frothy. Then add another half cup of imagination, a sprinkle of dreams and a dash of talent. Then, and here is where the recipe gets tricky, pour in a gallon of brain damage and fear, blend thoroughly, put in a dark and air tight pressure cooker until it reaches the consistency of petrified snail goop. Remove the cooker from the dark and throw it off a bridge. Scoop up the shattered contents - including the shredded straight jacket and broken spirit. Put in a crystal jar on a sunny window sill until it begins to bubble. Then add two gallons of love and a cup of silly. Sprinkle in magic baby glitter, mermaid kisses and a punching bag. Add one cup of Patron Tequila, a dozen Dove chocolate squares and return mixture to the blender. This part is crucial - the blender must be a state of the art Therapy brand blender. If you just throw it in a weekend Lifespring / Impact blender you will fuck up the whole thing. Once it is churning around the Therapy machine you can begin to throw in the rest of the ingredients: mockery; Blair Underwood; a puppy; California sand; 7 drag queens; the moon; a trapeze; courage; shiny lipstick; a wonder bra; George Carlin; a hammock; deep red; Beethoven: Symphony #9; mud wrestling; Sting; red wine; Romeo & Juliet; the words hoist, bamboozle and Sheboygan; The Beatles; film; the sound of bubble wrap popping; spiritual playfulness; Kahlil Gibran; a drum set; a dash of bitterness; a teaspoon of hope; vintage black and white photography, cherries, lilacs, sex, bagpipes and a guy named Oscar.

I do have to warn you though, the resulting creation will look a lot like Cirque du Soleil meets Sex in the City meets The Muppets and it is illegal in forty nine states.

You know, I think I fell short on one ingredient. I require a hell of a lot more than just a quarter cup of weird.