WWED?

Good Christian women everywhere seem to have found a new Savior. A sexy, teenage, fictional vampire named Edward Cullen. Oh my God, here in Utah Twilight schtuff is everywhere. The books, DVDs, posters, T-shirts, pins, jewelry, stickers, candy, magnets, candles, paper weights, panties, tampons... We had to sign in on a sheet at the kid's orthodontist yesterday and easily half the email addresses were a variation of edwardcullenlover4ever@fantasy.com.

I totally get the craze - we had idols when we were teenagers too. I dove into the books myself. They were a welcome vacation from stress - much needed brain candy. Sometimes it's fun to disappear into a series of books, or all the seasons of a television show, and not come up for air until they have thoroughly had their way with you. I get it. And the love affair between Bella and Edward really is sweetly written. Stephenie Meyer did a great job creating characters we love and love scenes that make women of all ages swoon - not an easy task, mind you. So, for those not brazen and naughty enough to read Anne Rice (let alone Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure) it wets the whistle without pushing the guilt button. Perfect. Plus, Meyer is a Mormon so that, again - in Utah, makes her a double diamond celebrity. Like unto Gladys Knight.

However, far too many grown women are getting far too carried away. A close friend of mine, a famous-ish local actress heretofore referred to as Madame Tequila Lovelyful, told me that the bishop in her sister in law's ward had to stand up in Relief Society and tell the sisters to stop reading the Twilight books because they were causing marital problems. Apparently a lot of women are now comparing their husbands to Edward and finding that their mortal, non-fictional spouses are coming up short in the Perfect Adoring Undead Adonis Department. Sorry to have to do this to ya Sister Daydream but um... EDWARD CULLEN IS NOT REAL!

Man, you guys are being compared to a fictional character that is written specifically to cater to the romantic depths of a woman's psyche. You're totally screwed. Here's my advice. Next time you are asked to take out the garbage ask yourself, "What would Edward do?" Next time you walk by a flower stand and debate if Tuesday is reason enough to buy, ask yourself, "What would Edward do?" Next time you wonder how to please your woman, how to touch her and fulfill her ask yourself, "What would Edward do?" And then, when you finally are mulling over whether or not to end your wife's mortal existence, ask yourself again, "What would Edward do?" Problem solved.