Other Than The Treats, Halloween Sucks ...

So I keep hearing this rumor that some kind holiday-like thing happened this weekend. I think it was called "Halloween?" I wouldn't know because I don't do Halloween. I closed the curtains, turned off the porch lights and watched football.

I don't know why I don't like Halloween, but I don't. Like most things in my life, it probably goes back to the fact that I never got invited to any of the cool Halloween parties back in the day when I was in school. But, that's probably a discussion I should save for my therapist.

Also, I don't like scary movies. Never really have. I've watched a bunch of them, but I don't really like to. I thought "The Exorcist" was an awesome movie. So was "Poltergeist." And I've watched a few Steven King movies too. But, for the most part I would prefer to not watch scary movies. Slasher movies make me laugh, so they're not so bad. Besides, there's nudity is slasher movies a lot of the time. So, they're different.

Anyway, basically Halloween sucks.

You know what doesn't suck though? Halloween treats. In fact, the only reason I can see that we should even continue to have Halloween is for the treats. Not that I hand any of it out to the little homeless beggars who come knocking on the door even though the lights are out and I am clearly are NOT handing out candy! No, I'm talking about Halloween treats for ME.

There are basically two categories of Halloween treats. 1) Chocolate and 2) Hard candy. Here is a ranking of the best Halloween treats...

Chocolate:
1. Hershey's miniatures. In this order: Mr Goodbar, Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar, Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate, Krackel Bar.
2. Butterfinger
3. Snickers
4. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
5. Nestle Crunch

Hard Candy:
1. Smarties
2. Jellybeans
3. Skittles
4. Lemonheads
5. Starbursts

You know what else doesn't suck about Halloween? Halloween donuts from Walmart...


Very tasty.

Oh and all of you peopleofwalmart.com fans? While that site rocks and we all know that you can find the dregs of society there, you can also find some major hotties there. Especially on the Friday before Halloween.

It might not be as awesome as summertime when you find all kinds of women wearing short shorts and crop tops and shit like that, but tight sweaters with REALLY tight jeans and F-Me boots isn't exactly anything to sneer at folks. And last Friday was a freaking tight jeans and F-Me boots convention at my local Walmart. It really made going there worth it. Even if the checkout girl was suffering the Cough of Death.

I was checking out and saw one register with a short line. So, I got into line. Then I realized why it was so short. The girl working the register was seriously sick. And she was coughing and sniffing and it just didn't look good. So, I got into another line. And when her line was empty this conversation took place:

Her: *cough, cough, hack, sniff, cough, hack* "Sir, I have no waiting here at my register."
Me: "That's okay, I want to live."
Her: *cough, hack, sniff* "Excuse me?"
Me: "That's okay, I'm good."

She seemed genuinely confused as to why nobody would come to her register.

Oh and, back to the hotties, there was a girl there who looked EXACTLY like Hayden Panettiere there. I'm not kidding. It was crazy.

Here's Hayden...


Here's what the girl at Walmart looked like...


Can you SEE the resemblance?!

I really wished I had a cell phone with a camera cause I would have followed her around and gotten a picture. I'm sure she was already a little creeped out by my staring, but that happens a lot around me.

Anyway, I saw her again in the parking lot and had my camera in the car and seriously thought about grabbing it and going over and asking her if I could take her picture for my blog. But, then I realized that in a small town like this, nobody would be there to take the bail money until after I was arraigned on harassment charges on Monday and I didn't really want to spend the weekend in the pokey.

But, I'm pretty sure I would have had the charges dropped. I think it would have gone something like this...

Judge: "The charge is harassment. How do you plead?"
Me: "Totally not guilty your honor, she looks like Hayden Panettiere"
Judge: "What?"
Me: "Look at her. She looks just like Hayden. You know the chick from "Heroes? You know the show we all claim we don't watch, but it gets better ratings than "The Office" and "30 Rock" so somebody must be watching. And that movie "I Love You Beth Cooper" which was the movie that you had to download online because it made you feel dirty to go see it at the theater and you didn't wanna wait til it was on HBO because you're wife would never let you watch it anyway."
Judge" *Looks over at Hayden-Like plaintiff* "Holy shit! She does look just like Hayden! Wow. It's uncanny. You're hot babe! CASE DISMISSED!"

And then we would both get our pictures taken with Hayden-Like chick who would be totally cool with the whole thing because she's so flattered that we both realized that she looks like the real Hayden which is exactly the look she was going for. And then she would shoot us both down when we asked for her number, but it would be all good cause I wouldn't be in jail any longer.

Uh, where was I going with this? Oh yeah!

Halloween: Sucks
Halloween Treats: Rule