Brother Hardy is at it again. Only this time, instead of Hot Mormon Missionaries on his calendar, it’s Hot Mormon Muffins. And this time, instead of being referred to as “that calendar guy,” I am proud to call him my oh-so wonderful friend Chad.
Below is the fifth in a series of Muffin Videos. And, to me, was the most inspirational. No, it did not make me want to knock on my neighbors doors and offer them my muffins, or did it make me want to be a Mormon Muffin again myself. But, what it did make me want to do was totally be my own 2009 version of a 50’s Housewife / Vargas Girl. I think that it would behoove all of us women to brush up on the skills needed to bless the men in our lives with hot muffins and other domestic delights. So, I dragged out The Good Wife's Guide from Housekeeping Monthly: May 13, 1955. It is a cornucopia of wonderful wifely tips and advice.
(1) Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready in time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
I agree, men are hungry when they get home. Greet him at the door with your hot buttered muffin as an appetizer to the full meal deal that awaits him.
(2) Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up and put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh - looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Forget fifteen minutes of rest, sleep all day. And, I’m sorry, but a lone ribbon in your hair isn’t going to make you fresh enough. Remember those tiny little bows we put on our baby girls heads with KY Jelly? Strategically glue them all over your entire body. This, with your hot buttered muffin, will be just the greeting he needs.
(3) Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Okay, I gotta say on this one - I tried to be a little gay for my ex-husband. Still didn’t work.
(4) Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc... and then run a dishcloth over the tables.
Better yet, turn off all the lights, light one candle and your house is instantly clean - regardless of how many books and papers are all over the floor. And the toys? Well, you’re going to use them later - putting them away is just silly. Dusting is also unnecessary. Splay yourself across the tables with your bows and muffins strategically placed and, voila!, dusting is done.
(5) Over the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Amen and amen. The party by the fire ain’t just for him, you know… Who wouldn’t want this???
(6) Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Children? What children? I see no children. I hear no children. Children are at grandma’s. Duh.
(7) Be happy to see him.
He brought home the wine and batteries and his appetite for hot buttered muffins, of course we’re happy to see him.
(8) Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Weird, this is actually making me want to get married again…
(9) Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to say, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Bah-hahahahahahahaha!
(10) Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late, or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he may have gone through that day. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Wow… I got nothin. If this sounds like your marriage, maybe we should go back and discuss #3.
(11) Your goal: try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don’t we all want that? (Well, that and pet mi…onkeys.)
(12) Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
We’re covered in bows and baked goods. Who’s complaining???
(13) Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low soothing and pleasant voice. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Check, check and check.
(14) Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Wow, the 50's were freaking awesome.
(15) A good wife always knows her place.
This one is true. A good wife (woman) does know her place... and her required position.
In the name of June, the woman that gave us the Beaver, Cleaver... Amen.
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