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So, as you guys probably know, I'm a big fan of HGTV. Well, I used to be anyway. I don't think HGTV is nearly as good as it used to be. They focus so much on real estate shows now and not so much on the gardening, landscape and general home improvement type shows that I used to love to watch.
But, I was thinking that maybe I should get into the field of making my own home improvement, home staging for sale type show too since they seem to be popular. After watching all these shows on HGTV for a while now, I think I know the basics that all of these types of shows need.
- If the homeowners have lots of color in their house tell them to tone it down and make it more neutral.
- If they have a pretty neutral home, tell them it needs more color.
- If they have a room with a really wild paint color on the walls or on one accent wall, tell them that it won't appeal to home buyers and paint over it.
- If they don't have any room with wild paint colors tell them it's too bland and that they need a "drama wall." Paint that drama wall black or a funky fuchsia color.
- Move the all pieces of furniture to the opposite walls.
- Make "focal points"
- If the fireplace isn't a focal point, make it one.
- If the fireplace IS a focal point, de-emphasize it.
- Take the TV out of the living/family room.
- Take desktop computers out of whatever room they are in.
- If a spare bedroom is being used as an office, turn it into a bedroom.
- If there is a spare bedroom with just a bed and table in it, turn it into a home office.
- If you have laminate counter tops, get granite.
- If you have granite counter tops, get whatever knew fad counter tops you can find.
- If you have carpets pull them up and put in laminate wood flooring.
- If you have laminate wood floors get area rugs.
- If you have tile flooring your screwed.
- Us the phrases "Price Point" "In this market" "Buyers in this market" and things like "bring the outdoors in and indoors out" a lot. A LOT!
- If they have a neat front yard with straight lines, make curves and put in plants and shrubs that look more "natural."
- If the front yard has no straight lines and has a natural look, make straight lines and neat trim plantings.
- Replace the dining room lighting with the ugliest, stupidest chandelier you can find.
- Get a moderately attractive, quirky, sweet person to host the show for you like Tanya Memme...
And by "moderately attractive" of course I mean "hot as hell."
- If the homeowner does something crazy like take a big cardboard box, fill it with Styrofoam to make it solid and strong and then uses that as a bedside table, laugh at them and talk about how ghetto that is.
- If the homeowner needs one more small table for a lamp in the living room, just turn a metal garbage can upside down and put a bed sheet over it and use that a table and congratulate yourself on your ingenuity.
- If the homeowner lives in the South were it gets hot in the summer and is still pretty warm in the winter, take down the ceiling fan and call it an eyesore.
- Always change the hardware on the kitchen cabinets. No matter what.
- If you just can't afford new hardware for the kitchen cabinets, take the existing hardware and spray paint it silver or black.
- Do something that is done on virtually every single home improvement show, like spray painting kitchen cabinet hardware, pretend that you just thought of that right there on the spot and that nobody has ever done it before.
- Get rid of all family photos and mementos.
- Come up with some ridiculous creation using grass, twigs or plastic. Then put a frame around it and call it "Art!"
- Because you want women to watch your show too, you might get a hot host like Carter Oosterhouse...
- MDF. Use lots of MDF.
- When talking about pricing a home for sale talk about "comparables" a lot. A LOT.
- Stainless Steele appliances are a must have.
- You can claim that a house has an ocean view even if someone has to stand on a box and lean against the wall in a spare bedroom and use binoculars to actually see the ocean.
Okay, so obviously I’m watching entirely too much HGTV. I think I’ll go back to watching Food Network all the time.
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In other news, my good friend Matt-Man has been under the weather the last few days. So I thought I would give him a little shout out here and send one of the nurses from my private staff over to help take care of him. Cause that’s just the awesome kind of guy I am.
Hope you get to feeling better fast dude! And trust me, you’re gonna love it when she tells you to turn your head and cough.
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