Rockdog wanted to know: "What is a typical day with Jay like?"
5:00 am: Wake up to Christian music on the radio.
5:01 am: Masturbate furiously.
5:02 am: Shit, shower and shave.
5:20 am: Check world financial markets to see how my portfolio is doing.
5:21 am: Check email
5:35 am: Check comments on my blog
5:38 am: Check Twitter.
5:41 am: Check my Facebook page for status updates, friend requests, and to see how many Pieces of Flair I have been sent and how many snowballs have been thrown at me.
5:50 am: Check news and sports headlines on several different sites.
5:55 am: Check email.
5:56 am: Check Twitter.
5:57 am: Check blog comments
5:58 am: Check Facebook again.
6:00 am: Do morning stretching exercises.
6:15 am: Do morning Yoga exercises.
6:30 am: Morning meditation time in which I completely block out the whole world and go to my happy place. Which is a tropical island with just me and my blog crush.
6:59 am: Pee.
7:00 am: Check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook again.
7:05 am: Eat breakfast consisting of granola and organic fruits.
7:15 am: Read the New York Times, The New York Post, The Washington Post, The Washington Times (notice I read both the “liberal” and “conservative” papers). The Los Angeles Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Times, La Prensa, Le Monde, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz, Bangkok Post, The Asahi Shimbun, Moskovskaya Pravda, Correio de Brasil, Sydney Morning Herald and Cape Argus.
8:00 am: check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook. (repeat every 8 minutes from now on throughout the day.)
8:05 am: Begin reading and commenting on blogs.
8:30 am: Pee.
8:31 am: Have a banana for a snack.
8:32 am: Resume reading and commenting on blogs.
9:00 am: Begin answering requests for nude pics from all my fans.
9:00:01 am: Begin signing restraining orders agreeing to stay away from Natalie Portman, Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Beckinsale, Lauren Graham, Diane Lane, Nigella Lawson, Mary Kate Olsen, Jennifer Tilly, Megan Good, Judi Dench, Miley Cyrus and various bloggers.
9:15 am: Call President-Elect Obama and give some of my excellent financial advice.
9:30 am: Do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and then mediate again.
9:58 am: All natural granola bar and 8 ounces of pure bottled water.
10:00 am: Watch The View
10:47 am: Pee
11:00 am: Watch Ellen
12:00 pm: Watch Rachael Ray and eat lunch consisting of an organic salad, salt-free crackers and Lentil soup and more bottled water.
1:00 pm: Watch One Life to Live. Marvel at how hot Adriana is.
1:56 pm: Pee and take afternoon dump.
2:00 pm: Go to the mall to walk
2:30 pm: Krav Maga training.
3:00 pm: Practice Belly Dancing while watching “Shimmy” on Fit TV.
3:30 pm: Watch “Everyday Italian w/ Giada de Laurentiis”
4:00 pm: Watch “Gilmore Girls.”
5:00 pm: Watch “Jeopardy.”
5:28 pm: Pee
5:30 pm: Prepare a healthy dinner consisting of some Tofu and two organic vegetables
6:20 pm: Clean up after dinner.
6:30 pm: Bible study.
7:00 pm: Watch wholesome TV show such as “Little House on the Prairie.”
7:58 pm: Pee
8:00 pm: Watch another wholesome TV show such as “Touched by an Angel.”
9:00 pm: Turn off TV so I don’t get corrupted and go back to reading and commenting on more blogs.
10:00 pm: Write up thoughtful, whitty, family-friendly blog post and post it.
10:30 pm: End of day stretching and yoga exercises.
10:55 pm: Pee and before bed beauty ritual.
11:00 pm: Put on my jammies and after checking email, blog comments, Twitter and Facebook one last time, say my nightly prayers and then crawl into bed and sleep while dreaming beautiful, sweet, wholesome dreams.
Of course on weekends I spend most of my time first reflecting on all the good things that happened the week before, and then on all the blessings that will happen in the week to come. And volunteering at a local children’s shelter, of course.
So basically that’s Jay’s schedule.
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