The Postum Never Returns Twice

When I was a little Mormon girl living in Provo, Utah there were four foods that I hated with every breath of my body. Avocados, curry, Tapioca pudding, and Postum. Oh, but I hated the Postum. It was the nastiest thing I could ever imagine putting my mouth. Clearly I didn't get out much. But, back then, I was baffled as to how my parents could sit around drinking cups of death, while playing the card game "Authors," with actual smiles on their faces.

Postum, was created as a healthy alternative to coffee in 1895 by C.W. Post, a student of Dr. John Harvey Kellogg who believed caffeine to be unhealthy. At some point it was adopted as the only true alternative to coffee by good Mormon folk, who believed caffeine to be evil. Most mainstream Mormons today will drink Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper and other only slightly naughty caffeinated beverages with no consequence whatsoever. Caffeine has become one of the lightest of sins - kind of like playing ball, watching TV or doing anything other than playing the piano, napping or studying scriptures on Sunday. And oral sex.

(I do have to say, though, there was nothing - and I mean nothing - like coming home from three hours of church to the smell of Sunday dinner. There was no bliss like the feeling of peeling off those freaking panty hose that my garments were bunched up under, eating roast and mashed potatoes and rolls smothered in butter and raspberry jam then crawling into bed for the best nap EVER. Seriously, I need to give myself a good old fashioned Mormon-ish dinner / nap one of these days. Anyway...)

I have always loved the smell of coffee. It reminds me of breakfast at my grandparents who were no longer Mormon. But back when I was a member, coffee was for smelling NOT for drinking. And, somewhere long the way I discovered that Postum was not the source of all evil. That is was actually yummy and, indeed, a great alternative warm beverage. And bonus, it even came in a version that was coffee flavored. Drank it every morning. All was well.

And then I hopped the fence into the land of No Longer Mormon and discovered that while my nose and mouth really love coffee, the rest of my body can only take so much before it starts to twitch. So mixing a little of it into my daily Postum was perfection. Heaven. Bliss.

And then one day I reached for it at the grocery store on the same shelf that it had been forever and it was gone. Not sold out - GONE. Kraft Foods had discontinued it. How could they DO that? Not only did they take away a highly enjoyed daily ritual but a huge connection to my childhood. Mr. Rogers is dead. Disneyland has updated, thus destroyed, most of my favorite attractions. Did they really have to kill my Postum?

Last year my mom came to visit bringing with her two, count them - TWO, actual jars of real live Postum that she still had in her pantry. Postum was back in my life! I was over the moon. I have rationed and only used the smallest necessary amount in order to make them last as long as they could. And yesterday I finally ran out. For good. Postum is officially gone. I had been told that Pero is a great substitute so I bought some. I sit here at my computer sipping what can only be described as a cup off ass and I want to cry. I know, there are a million teas and lattes out there, and there is still coffee in manageable amounts, but my Postum is gone. Just like Sonny & Cher, my first kitten and Dawn Dolls.

I think I'm going to go stick a slab of meat in the crock pot, play with my kids Lite Brite and Shrinky Dinks and then take a long nap.