This Post Is NOT About Gay Marriage

What's up with the pornstaches, Dudes??? Come on now! I get that oftentimes the Hollywood set has to sport less than flattering haircuts and facial hair for films in production - but that doesn't mean that I don't get to mock them inside out for it.

Okay, while this is not my favorite look for Brad Pitt, it is forgivable - clearly it was for his role in Inglourious Basterds. I do have to say though, even though he is not in my fantasy harem, it does make me sad to see him looking old. Brad Pitt just needs to stay Brad Pitt for the planet to continue spinning.

Robert Downey Jr. Wow. Was this for a role in some really bad 70's porn? I am a huge fan of his and this picture just makes me itch. Not in a good way. However... if this were for some type of Tribute to 70's Porn flick I would have to re-think my whole porn and gardening when I'm 70 thing. There is no way I could wait that long to see him pole dancing in sparkles to Stayin' Alive.

Orlando Bloom. What the hell??? Seriously??? Okay, I have always liked him. Thought he was great in the Lord of the Rings / Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I even felt bad the day I, literally, could not stop laughing when Rotten Tomatoes called him "Little Miss Mouse Fart" in a review of Troy. That is, like, the worst thing you can call a man. But look at his pornstache picture! Totally Little Miss Mouse Fart.

I am not a huge fan of the lone mustache. A mustache with a soul patch? Fine - if you can pull it off. Beards and goatees? Sexy if you have the face for them. Some men are actually better looking with facial hair. My sweet dad didn't have much of a chin - thus a very handsome beard (and I am NOT referring to my mother!) I have a good friend that showed up at my house a couple of weeks ago sporting a handlebar mustache. It was awesome! He has the face and personality for it. But he is the exception and NOT the rule.

Another very important exception: Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck MUST have a mustache. He is yummy as hell in "Magnum PI" and later in "Friends." Seeing him without the mustache makes me shrivel like a salted snail. It is a crime. The breaking of a commandment.

Before we close, we must pay homage to the man that can pull off any and all facial hair. A lone mustache. A mustache with a soul patch. A goatee. A beard of any length. A beard of bees and mustache made of marmalade. Johnny Depp. [Sigh]


Little Miss Mouse Fart. Bless his Bloomin' heart.