A Terrible Tragedy That Hasn't Happened Yet ...

This is a BREAKING NEWS report from The Cynical World Newswires sometime in the near future...

In a terrible tragedy over the weekend Hayden Panettiere, the star of NBC's "Heroes" was killed when she was accidentally squashed by her boyfriend, boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko.  According to authorities, the 6'7" 250lb Klitschko was sleeping heavily and rolled over on top of the 5' 100lb Panettiere and suffocated her.

Vladimir and Hayden a few days before the terrible accident:


According to the LA County Coroner's Office, Panettiere struggled to get out from under the much larger Klitschko, but to no avail.  "There are indications that she attempted to push him off her.  There are fresh scratch marks on his sides and little bruises in the shape of Hayden's teeeeeny tiny little fists where she tried to hit him.  At one point she even tried squeezing his testicles. But since they were already shriveled up from years of steroid and HGH use, he must have never felt it." said coroner's office spokesman Melvin “Digger” Martin. "Poor girl.  She put up a fight, but in the end he squashed her like a grape."

The LAPD said that they will investigate, but at this time it appears that it was an accident.  According to police sources Klitschko had been drinking Fuzzy Navels all evening and many people believe that the alcohol combined with the complete disbelief that this big, dumb Neanderthal was actually dating Hayden Panettiere, along with trying to keep up with a girl 13 years younger than him, caused him to sleep very heavily. "She pretty much wore him out" said the source.

Friends of Panettiere were very sad about her horrible death but some say they weren't completely shocked.  "Oh this has happened before" said on of her equally tiny friends. "I kept telling her that that big lug was going to love her to death.  She was so cute and tiny and he was a big time snuggler.  I kept telling her 'always be on top!!' but she wouldn't listen. She loved him though.  Every time I would talk her, at some point she would say 'you know, Vlad is about 20% taller than the average man.  And that means that EVERYTHING is 20% bigger. IfyouknowwhatImean' and then she would just giggle. I'm gonna miss her so much."

A spokesperson for NBC said that they weren't sure what this would mean for the crappy hit show "Heroes." "We're very, very sad to hear of Hayden's squishing last night.  We here at NBC consider ourselves a family.  Except for that Conan guy. Anyway, our hearts and prayers go out to her gravy training stage parents loving family today." The spokesperson, who was actually an intern as NBC can't afford actual spokespeople now that they are a 4th place network and had to pay Conan O'Brien $40 million dollars, said he doubted there would be any real changes to the show though. "Honestly? Cute, petite little blue eyed blonds with average talent are a dime a dozen out here. I can go down to In and Out Burger and troll the drive through to find her replacement. I mean, no disrespect or anything."

Ms. Panettiere will be laid to rest on Thursday in a private ceremony.  A well known blogger and woodworker by the name of Micky-T has been commissioned to build a special casket for her that is 6 feet long, 6 feet wide and about 6 inches high.