A Terrible Tragedy That Hasn't Happened Yet ...

This is a BREAKING NEWS report from The Cynical World Newswires sometime in the near future...

In a terrible tragedy over the weekend Hayden Panettiere, the star of NBC's "Heroes" was killed when she was accidentally squashed by her boyfriend, boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko.  According to authorities, the 6'7" 250lb Klitschko was sleeping heavily and rolled over on top of the 5' 100lb Panettiere and suffocated her.

Vladimir and Hayden a few days before the terrible accident:


According to the LA County Coroner's Office, Panettiere struggled to get out from under the much larger Klitschko, but to no avail.  "There are indications that she attempted to push him off her.  There are fresh scratch marks on his sides and little bruises in the shape of Hayden's teeeeeny tiny little fists where she tried to hit him.  At one point she even tried squeezing his testicles. But since they were already shriveled up from years of steroid and HGH use, he must have never felt it." said coroner's office spokesman Melvin “Digger” Martin. "Poor girl.  She put up a fight, but in the end he squashed her like a grape."

The LAPD said that they will investigate, but at this time it appears that it was an accident.  According to police sources Klitschko had been drinking Fuzzy Navels all evening and many people believe that the alcohol combined with the complete disbelief that this big, dumb Neanderthal was actually dating Hayden Panettiere, along with trying to keep up with a girl 13 years younger than him, caused him to sleep very heavily. "She pretty much wore him out" said the source.

Friends of Panettiere were very sad about her horrible death but some say they weren't completely shocked.  "Oh this has happened before" said on of her equally tiny friends. "I kept telling her that that big lug was going to love her to death.  She was so cute and tiny and he was a big time snuggler.  I kept telling her 'always be on top!!' but she wouldn't listen. She loved him though.  Every time I would talk her, at some point she would say 'you know, Vlad is about 20% taller than the average man.  And that means that EVERYTHING is 20% bigger. IfyouknowwhatImean' and then she would just giggle. I'm gonna miss her so much."

A spokesperson for NBC said that they weren't sure what this would mean for the crappy hit show "Heroes." "We're very, very sad to hear of Hayden's squishing last night.  We here at NBC consider ourselves a family.  Except for that Conan guy. Anyway, our hearts and prayers go out to her gravy training stage parents loving family today." The spokesperson, who was actually an intern as NBC can't afford actual spokespeople now that they are a 4th place network and had to pay Conan O'Brien $40 million dollars, said he doubted there would be any real changes to the show though. "Honestly? Cute, petite little blue eyed blonds with average talent are a dime a dozen out here. I can go down to In and Out Burger and troll the drive through to find her replacement. I mean, no disrespect or anything."

Ms. Panettiere will be laid to rest on Thursday in a private ceremony.  A well known blogger and woodworker by the name of Micky-T has been commissioned to build a special casket for her that is 6 feet long, 6 feet wide and about 6 inches high.

Mase is Into Chicks with D***s??

Lawd have mercy on Pastor Mase! Remember the rumor that was going around that Murda Ma$e aka Pastor Mase was trying to pick up a shim aka a shemale on Spring St. in Atlanta. According to the ATLiens, if you want to pick up a women with a little "something extra" Spring St. was it!

A women even called in saying she got into an accident with Ma$e because he wasn't paying attention trying to pick up Tranny's. Now the proof is coming out saying Ma$e was spotted at Spring St. and did get in an accident. Now it still doesn't prove that Ma$e was actually picking up Tranny's BUT it still makes it hella suspicious....I wonder what the sermon is going to be this Sunday?! Forget the club;How I would kill to be in that church this weekend! I'm not saying, but I'm Just Saying!

Master P's Response

Ok so remember last week during the BET Awards nominations, 50 shot down Master P saying "he doesn't sell Cd's anymore...you can tell him I said that". Forget me quoting it, look for yourself



Well P heard about it and had a response himself....P actually makes a good point...A must read


Curtis Jackson’s comment motivated me. There are a lot of immature people in the world. Oprah Winfrey is absolutely right, we need to grow up and be responsible for our own actions. I paid for Curtis’s first rap tour through the south. He was such a humble guy at the time. Most artists’ mission is to sell records. My mission is to help save and change lives. There’s a lack of knowledge and false information out there. I could actually say Little Jay and Rap-A-Lot Records inspired my successful career and I will always respect them no matter what. I wrote the blueprint for this generation. The only difference is there’s no more honor and respect in the game.

Rest of the letter below, a must read, P is kicking some knowledge.Think about it: people in jail are not writing letters proclaiming to come out and do the same thing that landed them there in the first place. People in the hood don’t want to stay poor for the rest of their lives. They want to change. Parents that really love their kids would rather sacrifice their own lives so that their kids could make a change to have a better life and a better education. I’m glad that there are people like Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and organizations like the NAACP that are out there fighting for our rights and dignity. I have finally realized that EVERY person is either a part of the problem or part of the solution and that is why I have decided to take a stand! I’m reaching out to corporate America to form an alliance for the sake of putting the value back into our communities by rebuilding and developing schools and businesses.

First of all, it’s simply disappointing to see people that are in a position to help make a change just sit back and entertain the negativity. It’s sad to see Steven Hill set all of these programming standards at BET, just to contradict himself for the sake of marketing dollars or artist performances in order to create the appearance of a successful award show. The record company with the biggest marketing check controls the music video stations so we need to go after the people who actually control these programming networks if we want real CHANGE.
I guess by taking a stand, my son and I will probably not be invited back to the BET Awards. But it’s O.K. I got love for BET; there are a lot of good people there. Hopefully, this will help people to see the real changes that need to be made. My son and I will sacrifice our airtime because this is bigger than us, this issue desperately needed to be addressed a long time ago. There are four things that differentiate me from artists like Curtis Jackson. One, I can honestly admit that I was once part of the problem. Two, I don’t want my son to grow up and be like me. I want him to be better and do better - and that is why he is taking the time to pursue a college degree.

Three, money don’t make me, I make money. My goal is to educate our people in building generational wealth and knowing how important it is to own real estate.
Four, I’m a TRUE entrepreneur; my boss is God not Jimmy Iovine. From one brother to another, if you misunderstand my purpose you could always pick up the phone or talk to me in person. I’m trying to be part of the solution not the problem. The media thrives on entertaining, especially the negativity no matter what the cost. I’m praying for the brothers that are lost out there. Throughout the years, I have lost so many relatives and friends. This year, I’d like to focus on the comedy movies because we need to laugh more. The first movie that I’m producing is “Black Supaman” and thereafter will be “The Mail Man” starring Tony Cox and myself. I’m setting up a book tour for “Guaranteed Success” and a Hip Hop Business class with financial expert Curtis Oakes for those seeking knowledge. I understand that I can’t change the whole Hip Hop industry; I’m only trying to do my part. If you’re real, be a part of the positive movement with Take A Stand Records.com Look for the first single “I Wanna Be Like You” from the album “Hip Hop History.” I’m in negotiations with Wal-Mart and Target for direct distribution. Those are all examples of the positive difference I am trying to make in this industry.

I’m reaching out to my friends Shaquille O’Neal, Will Smith, Russell Simmons, Queen Latifah, Derek Anderson, Charles Barkley, Emmitt Smith, Beyonce, and Reverend Run to help contribute to this positive movement. I will also be holding a press conference with the president NAACP and will be able to answer any questions at that time. I am not asking any other hip-hop or gangsta rap artist change what they do; that’s how they make their money. Furthermore, I am not a preacher; I’m just telling the world what I’m doing and the changes that I am making because it’s something I want to do. If that’s sending mixed signals to people then they need to deal with their own conscience first.

P. Miller

Nate Dogg Isn"t Dead!!

Someone hacked into Nate Dogg's MySpace saying he died in a car crash killed by a drunk driver. Come on people! The publicist would update media outlets instead of MySpace ? Also Nate Dogg himself put out a bulletin saying:

"THIS IS NATHANIEL DWAYNE HALE AND I AINT DEAD, BUT IF I EVER FIND THE PERSON WHO HACKED MY PAGE THEY WILL BE!!!!! ONCE AGAIN NATE DOGG AINT DEAD!!!!!!! IM SMOKIN A FAT ASS KUSH JOINT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!"

Yea Nate. I suggest you hide the kusk before 5-0 decides to "check" on how your doing lol