Why it's Hard to Side With the Wisconsin Protesters...

Okay, so I hit on this a little on “I’m With Stupid” but my good friend AverageChick encouraged me to expand on it a little here.

So I’ve been watching the protests in Wisconsin for what seems like months now and I think I understand where most Americans stand on this whole thing. In general, most Americans like me support collective bargaining rights and the right to unionize.  And, most Americans like me support the right to protest and organize and petition one’s employer. 

But, the problem here is we’re talking mostly about teachers and that just changes things a bit. 

See, first of all, teachers always like to call themselves “professionals” much like doctors and lawyers and such.  But, just as my old friend from college Brian pointed out after the Fayetteville, AR teachers lost a local vote that would have increased taxes to pay for pay raises for teachers and the teachers responded by all refusing to show up for work, teachers aren’t really professionals. Not like doctors and lawyers anyway.  And, as a high school drop out who was assistant manager of a pizza joint at night and cashier at a Stop and Go during the day, he was clearly an expert on the subject.

But it goes further than that.

And I’m not talking about how overpaid and under worked teachers are either.  You know, they make a big salary for only working 8 am til 3:15 pm five days a week for only about 8 months out of the year thing.  Yeah, that’s a problem. And given how they all get at least one free hour during the day and in general have pretty cushy jobs.  Not to mention all those holidays, plus two weeks at Christmas and spring break. 

I see that, but even that it isn’t it.

Oh sure, there’s also tenure. If they work for just a few years they suddenly can’t be fired no matter how bad they suck.  And after that they never do a new lesson plan again. I mean, you can change the book every year if you want, but 2+2 will always = 4, right? Not that most of my teachers knew that. 

No, that’s not even it really. Basically there’s one big thing that stands out as the reason most Americans can’t really come out in full-throated support of the teachers.

Teaching is basically women’s work.

Since teachers are mostly women, it only stands to reason that they would make less.  Women not being as important as men and all.  Also, most women only go into teaching to give themselves something to do during the day while their husbands are working at real jobs. 

Teaching is the perfect job for women. They don’t have to be there until after they’ve made breakfast for everyone and gotten the kids off to school and can then pick the kids up after school and be home in time to have dinner ready for their husbands when they come home after a hard day of actual work. 

This short work day schedule makes it easier for women to have time to keep the house clean and do their .. uh … “womanly duties” keeping the man of the house happy and relaxed so he can focus on his very important and busy job that allows him to take care of the family.

So, when you look at things in this sense and keep all this in perspective, you can see how it’s difficult to take sides with the teachers protesting in Wisconsin.

But, I do want to thank the teachers for support of “I’m With Stupid” every Thursday night at 11 pm EST!!  Thanks guys. Y’all rock! 

Hiccup Girl Who I "Interviewed" Charge With Murder ..

So back in Feb. of '07 this teenage girl got the hiccups.  And claimed she couldn't get rid of them for weeks and week.  I'm sure you remember the story since she went on virtually every single show available. All the morning shows, cable news shows and interviews with all the major newspapers.  Needless to say, I was a little skeptical.

AND? She stopped by the Cynical News World Headquarters for an interview too.

Well, I turned on the TV this morning only find that this girl has been charge with 1st degree MURDER!  Unreal!  And since this shocking news came out this morning, I decided that now would be a good time to re-post my "interview" with her from back in the day.

Interview with Hiccup Girl from Feb. '07:


Since the Cynical World News understands that ratings are what drives this business we have decided join the crowd. We have landed an exclusive interview with Hiccup Girl (who will be known as “HG” from here on out”.

You will notice that I’m not going to use her actual name. That’s because I’m pretty sure this attention whore is Googling her name every five minutes.

And, I don’t want her to sue me.

Anyway, here is the interview between me, Executive Editor of Cynical World News and “HG”....

Me: Thanks for being here today and not holding out for that private jet in the negotiations.
HG: *hic* what jet *hic*
Me: Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know.
HG: *hic*
Me: Damn, you’re pretty good.
HG: *hic* at what? *hic*
Me: Okay, fine. We’ll play it your way.

Me: So, how are you doing today?
HG: *hic*
Me: Yeah .. uh .. seriously, could you tone that down a bit? There are no cameras here.
HG: *hic* I’m trying *hic*
Me: *sigh*

Me: Okay, you claim that this started right out of the blue three weeks ago.
HG: *hic* yes *hic*
Me: Feel free to elaborate on any answer here sweetheart.
HG: *hic*
Me: Anyway, you still claim that you weren’t swimming in Vodka at the time and THAT might have brought it on?
HG: *hic* NO! *hic* I’m only 15 *hic*
Me: Yeah, so what’s your point?
HG: *hic* and I was *hic* in school *hic*
Me: But, it was AFTER lunch break, right?
HG: *hic* yeah
Me: *nods knowingly* I thought so.

Me: So, your plan has worked pretty good so far. You’re getting a lot of publicity here.
HG: *hic*
Me: But, have you gotten a book deal yet?
HG: *hic* what deal? *hic*
Me: Please, quit pretending.
HG: *hic*
Me: Have you decided who should play you in the made for TV movie?
HG: *hic* no *hic*
Me: Oh come on .... surely you’ve thought about it.
HG: *hic* wellllllll ... *hic*
Me: I thought so. So come on, who have you thought about.
HG: *hic* Hey *hic* Hey *hic* Hayden Pa .. *hic*
Me: Hayden Panettiere?
HG: *hic* yes! *hic*
Me: I don’t think so.
HG: *hic* why?
Me: She’s too cute. Maybe somebody else?
HG: *hic* Lindsay *hic*
Me: Lindsay Lohan? Hmmm .... yeah, she probably knows what it’s like to be so drunk to end up with uncontrollable hiccups. That would work.
HG: *hic* thanks! *hic*

Me: Okay, well I guess I only have more question for you.
HG: *hic* okay
Me: BOO!!!!!!!!
HG: *hic* ahhhh!! ..... *falls out of chair*
Me: Did it work?
HG: ............................................. *hic*
Me: Damn you’re good.

I Need Sarah Palin's Help!

Hola Sarah! 

How ya doing?  Look, I know you're busy so I'll try to keep this short.  And simple because, well we all know why.  Anyway, I've been watching the great work you're doing on behalf of good, decent white Christian Americans with those Muslims wanting to build a mosque right in the middle of Ground Zero and I thought maybe you could help me with my problem too.

See, some Mormons have moved into the building next door to mine and that's just a little too close for comfort.  Now, I know you probably don't see the problem because you've never read a history book or anything.  So, let me explain very quickly and succinctly ..

What's that? Oh .. "Succinctly" means "briefly." Sorry about that.

In 1857 a wagon train of honest, decent, hard-working white Christian Americans left from my hometown of Redneckville, Arkansas for California.  They made it to an area known as Mountain Meadows where they were attacked and murdered in cold blood by people who were members of the Mormon Cult Church.  This attack was completely without provocation (that means the white Christians didn't do anything to cause the attack) and can only be described as an act of terrorism.

IKNOWRITE!!!???!!!

So, you can see why I'm so upset that some Mormons would move in next door.  I mean, the gall of these people?  How insensitive can they be?  This is like a dagger to the heart of us Christian residents of Redneckville.  These Murderous Mormons (which would be a great name for a rock band) just move in here and try to act as if they're upstanding members of the community and shit.  They're always calling me "sir" and being nice and helpful and whatever.  But, I know the truth.  I know what they're capable of.

Look, I understand that Mormons live here in America and there's nothing we can do about it.  But they don't have to live right here in this town after what they did back in 1857.  I would be perfectly fine with them living out in Alpena, or over in Western Grove.  Probably not up in Diamond City cause you know Christians love to go the lake and camp and cook meat that they killed themselves on their grills and go fishing up there.  But anywhere to the west or east of town would be acceptable.

And, this totally isn't a race thing.  I mean, those Mormons are WHITE!  They are so damn white.  Hell, the Amish are like "Damn, those Mormons are white!"  But, I'm totally not comparing the Amish to the Mormons.  The only terrorism the Amish engage in is the IRSBs their horses leave.  What? Oh sorry.  That means "Improvised Roadside Shit Bombs."  But, the Amish make some really nice furniture and their bakeries are full of all kinds of yumminess, so they totally make up for the horseshit on the side of the roads.

Anyway, as I was saying.  I was hoping you could help me with this Mormon problem.  I'm very VERY upset about it.

You're my only hope Sarah!

Yours in Christ,
Jayman

A Terrible Tragedy That Hasn't Happened Yet ...

This is a BREAKING NEWS report from The Cynical World Newswires sometime in the near future...

In a terrible tragedy over the weekend Hayden Panettiere, the star of NBC's "Heroes" was killed when she was accidentally squashed by her boyfriend, boxing champion Vladimir Klitschko.  According to authorities, the 6'7" 250lb Klitschko was sleeping heavily and rolled over on top of the 5' 100lb Panettiere and suffocated her.

Vladimir and Hayden a few days before the terrible accident:


According to the LA County Coroner's Office, Panettiere struggled to get out from under the much larger Klitschko, but to no avail.  "There are indications that she attempted to push him off her.  There are fresh scratch marks on his sides and little bruises in the shape of Hayden's teeeeeny tiny little fists where she tried to hit him.  At one point she even tried squeezing his testicles. But since they were already shriveled up from years of steroid and HGH use, he must have never felt it." said coroner's office spokesman Melvin “Digger” Martin. "Poor girl.  She put up a fight, but in the end he squashed her like a grape."

The LAPD said that they will investigate, but at this time it appears that it was an accident.  According to police sources Klitschko had been drinking Fuzzy Navels all evening and many people believe that the alcohol combined with the complete disbelief that this big, dumb Neanderthal was actually dating Hayden Panettiere, along with trying to keep up with a girl 13 years younger than him, caused him to sleep very heavily. "She pretty much wore him out" said the source.

Friends of Panettiere were very sad about her horrible death but some say they weren't completely shocked.  "Oh this has happened before" said on of her equally tiny friends. "I kept telling her that that big lug was going to love her to death.  She was so cute and tiny and he was a big time snuggler.  I kept telling her 'always be on top!!' but she wouldn't listen. She loved him though.  Every time I would talk her, at some point she would say 'you know, Vlad is about 20% taller than the average man.  And that means that EVERYTHING is 20% bigger. IfyouknowwhatImean' and then she would just giggle. I'm gonna miss her so much."

A spokesperson for NBC said that they weren't sure what this would mean for the crappy hit show "Heroes." "We're very, very sad to hear of Hayden's squishing last night.  We here at NBC consider ourselves a family.  Except for that Conan guy. Anyway, our hearts and prayers go out to her gravy training stage parents loving family today." The spokesperson, who was actually an intern as NBC can't afford actual spokespeople now that they are a 4th place network and had to pay Conan O'Brien $40 million dollars, said he doubted there would be any real changes to the show though. "Honestly? Cute, petite little blue eyed blonds with average talent are a dime a dozen out here. I can go down to In and Out Burger and troll the drive through to find her replacement. I mean, no disrespect or anything."

Ms. Panettiere will be laid to rest on Thursday in a private ceremony.  A well known blogger and woodworker by the name of Micky-T has been commissioned to build a special casket for her that is 6 feet long, 6 feet wide and about 6 inches high.

What To Do If You Have A Racist Cock ...

So, have you seen this moronic statement from singer/songwriter/douchebag John Mayer?   He was asked by Playboy magazine if black women throw themselves at him like white women do.  Here’s his answer…


"I don't think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin' David Duke c*ck."


See folks?  John isn’t a racist at all.  But, his dick is.  He loves black women, but his dick isn’t interested.  When he sees a beautiful black woman, his heart and mind say “WOW!” But, his dick runs and hides.  It’s just not his fault.

So, here is possibly the worst stick figure cartoon of John Mayer ever…


Yeah, I’m witty.  Actually credit for the concept of John wearing a little KKK hood over his “Little John” goes to my friend Annie from Annie & Burl Live.  Annie says I’m a sick fuck.  I think she’s projecting a bit when she does that.

Anyway, I’m guessing that John never gets this ad on his Facebook page that I get all the time…


And you know what?  My dick doesn’t run and hid from that ad.  My dick says “Hey! Check that ad out dude! Do it! Cliiiiiiiiiiiiiiick that ad!!”  He’s kinda pushy like that.



Oh, one other thing that I thought of.  Hello!! Business opportunity…

“Hey folks, John Mayer here.  Are you like me in that you love black women but have a white supremacist dick?  Well, I have the perfect product for you.  Developed in the Cynical Bastard World Laboratories specifically for people like me:

The KKKondom! 

That’s right kids.  Now you don’t have to worry about your dick being afraid of black women.  Just slip on the “hoodie” and get after it.  You’ll protect your dick while still enjoying the wonders of making love to a black woman.  Your dick will never be afraid of black women again.  And when you get asked about having sex with black women, you’ll be able to say ‘Hell yeah!’ and nobody will ever know the truth. 

Call it sensitivity training for your cock.  And here’s a bonus:  It works perfect for dicks that are afraid of Asian, Hispanic, Native American and EVEN Jewish women too!  Pretty much any minority woman your dick might be afraid of. 

So, go ahead, call 1-800-KKK-COCK and get your supply of KKKondoms today!”   

The Greatness That Is Me ...

Okay, so you have probably seen this Urban Dictionary thing happening on Facebook.  I mean, you can’t get away from it.  Everyone is doing it.  I was going to, but I thought it would better as a blog entry.  And, I didn’t want to post it both on Facebook and here, so I chose here.

Anyway, the idea is to go to Urban Dictionary and search your name and them post the definition given.  I think the original idea is to post the FIRST definition, but I’m going to ignore the rules and post my favorite.  Also, I tried looking for “Jay” and well, let’s just say that those definitions weren’t very flattering.  Except for the one that said “Jay is the biggest slut you’ll ever meet.”  I kind of liked that one.

So, I went with my actual name which is Jason. 

Jason:
1. the act of being the sexiest person alive
2. A very VERY sexy person
3. Something you would/should name your penis

- A Jason is a cute, awkward, dorky boy. He's funny and sweet, can attract many girls by his lovable, boyish charm.

- The cutest hottest most amazing boyfriend on the entire earth and no one can ever be even close to as perfect as him

- A guy I REALLY want to fuck.

- An amazing guy that will always be there for you.

- Usually a cute guy who likes watching Lords of Dogtown and going to kindergarten parks with girls. Oh, and is also a VERY good kisser.

- A huge tough man who usually kicks everyone’s ass and attracts all the ladies. This person has the biggest dick in town. He likes to party it up by going to strip clubs, getting drunk, and smoking bud. He's the complete package all around.

- Jason is someone who is one of those tall, dark, and handsome guys who everyone thinks is hot; aka high calorie eye candy.

- He is down to earth and a really sweet guy. Sensitive, yet manly; serious, but has a fun side. Would make any woman feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

- Whenever you see him he makes you smile. He has the sexiest voice ever (I could listen to it all day!). Great smile and the best brown hazel/green eyes! Looks good in a suit and tie and knows his weather! ;)
You'll have dreams of meeting and marrying him one day



Okay, so you get the idea.  There are other definitions of course, but I thought these were the most relevant.

But, I’m disappointed that they left a few things out.  So, I thought I would add them here…

Jason…

- Is a great cuddler.  Probably the best cuddler you could  ever dream of meeting.  Able to make raging, furious women calm, warm, happy and contented just by giving them a hug and holding them.

- Has great taste in women. 

- Is full of all kinds of knowledge.  Most of it useless.

- Isn’t happy unless your happy.

- Genuinely cares about you.

- Is sensitive to your needs.

- Is a leg, ass and tits man.  In that order.

- Is the epitome of honesty, decency and genuine goodness.

- Is a true gentleman.

- Will never hurt you.

- Is a lover and a fighter.  But, prefers not to fight.

- Has brought sexy back many times.

- Has a steel trap for a mind.

- Sets the perfect example for others to follow.

- In addition to his great taste in women, has generally great taste in everything from food to home décor to cars to television shows and movies.

- Will leave you breathless.

- Is a remarkably humble and modest man.


Okay, I think that just about covers it.