I Need Sarah Palin's Help!

Hola Sarah! 

How ya doing?  Look, I know you're busy so I'll try to keep this short.  And simple because, well we all know why.  Anyway, I've been watching the great work you're doing on behalf of good, decent white Christian Americans with those Muslims wanting to build a mosque right in the middle of Ground Zero and I thought maybe you could help me with my problem too.

See, some Mormons have moved into the building next door to mine and that's just a little too close for comfort.  Now, I know you probably don't see the problem because you've never read a history book or anything.  So, let me explain very quickly and succinctly ..

What's that? Oh .. "Succinctly" means "briefly." Sorry about that.

In 1857 a wagon train of honest, decent, hard-working white Christian Americans left from my hometown of Redneckville, Arkansas for California.  They made it to an area known as Mountain Meadows where they were attacked and murdered in cold blood by people who were members of the Mormon Cult Church.  This attack was completely without provocation (that means the white Christians didn't do anything to cause the attack) and can only be described as an act of terrorism.

IKNOWRITE!!!???!!!

So, you can see why I'm so upset that some Mormons would move in next door.  I mean, the gall of these people?  How insensitive can they be?  This is like a dagger to the heart of us Christian residents of Redneckville.  These Murderous Mormons (which would be a great name for a rock band) just move in here and try to act as if they're upstanding members of the community and shit.  They're always calling me "sir" and being nice and helpful and whatever.  But, I know the truth.  I know what they're capable of.

Look, I understand that Mormons live here in America and there's nothing we can do about it.  But they don't have to live right here in this town after what they did back in 1857.  I would be perfectly fine with them living out in Alpena, or over in Western Grove.  Probably not up in Diamond City cause you know Christians love to go the lake and camp and cook meat that they killed themselves on their grills and go fishing up there.  But anywhere to the west or east of town would be acceptable.

And, this totally isn't a race thing.  I mean, those Mormons are WHITE!  They are so damn white.  Hell, the Amish are like "Damn, those Mormons are white!"  But, I'm totally not comparing the Amish to the Mormons.  The only terrorism the Amish engage in is the IRSBs their horses leave.  What? Oh sorry.  That means "Improvised Roadside Shit Bombs."  But, the Amish make some really nice furniture and their bakeries are full of all kinds of yumminess, so they totally make up for the horseshit on the side of the roads.

Anyway, as I was saying.  I was hoping you could help me with this Mormon problem.  I'm very VERY upset about it.

You're my only hope Sarah!

Yours in Christ,
Jayman