In Between

If you're reading this I'm already dead...

Kidding.

If you're reading this you are numbered among those wonderful enough to keep checking in even after I vanish. Bless you. I have a million excuses for not blogging lately. Just the fact that I am a single mom who started a new job while working on several large projects should buy me a few weeks vacation from the burn out of - blah, blah, blah...

But, honestly, none of those reasons is the real and true reason I haven't blogged lately. I haven't blogged because this blog is basically a narrative of me: my life, my thoughts, my feelings and my oh-so fabulous every day life. But, for the past while now I have found myself living in the land of In Between and still haven't quite figured out how to write about it.

How does one adequately describe that place between waking and sleeping while one is still in it? How do we wax poetic or humorous when we find ourselves, yet again, half gooey dying caterpillar half brilliant butterfly? There are literally no words to describe the experience of curling up in the darkest night of the soul while concurrently spreading one's wings in the luminescence of resurrection morning.

That all sounds so flowery and self important. It's not. To put it in more simply: it's been impossible for me to write a 500 word essay while simultaneously having open heart surgery and multiple orgasms.

I am changing in big ways. I am becoming. I am allowing. And I am healing. Still. And I've been far more interested in experiencing it than narrating it. Life is just so damn cool - even when it's not.

Also, it looks like my book Dancing With Crazy is, at long last, going to be published by a new publisher (details forthcoming) and I have found myself pulling back into, however illusory, blessed anonymity while I still can. Being famous in a weird little pond primarily because of what has been said about me by other people has been... interesting. And the reason I even started writing this memoir in the first place was because I was done having other people speak for me. Done having other people tell their versions of some of the most important chapters in my life story. One of them was given permission. The other wasn't. Whatever. It is what it is.

And now it's my turn and that is both thrilling and terrifying. My guts are about to be publicly splayed again - but this time it is by my own doing. And in vivid Technicolor. There will be those that will be touched and moved and changed and entertained by it while others will judge and hate and dissect and blog and point mean fingers. And I am okay with it all because that is what I have chosen.

So there you have it. I am emerging from In Between Land a more whole version of myself and fun things are happening. Thanks for sticking with me through my silence. I'm back. (I think.) And you totally rock.