I don't remember the exact, complete dream, but the bits and pieces are enough to make sense by itself.
It started with beautiful, still, blue waters covering a part of the earth, a flood that has covered even some of the tallest infrastructures. there was a huge boat, somewhat like an ark on the water, with many people in it...too many, in fact.
The rain just wouldn't stop, it drizzled slowly..no thunderstorms, no lightning. it was a peaceful drizzle that most of us would love. But in this case, the rain wasn't a good thing. As the gentle drizzle continued, the boat very slowly began to sink. It was like the picture of the sinking of Titanic, with people in fear. But catch this: no one was panicking. Everyone expected to die, slowly. They were prepared, and waiting to go.
I was at another part of the earth, catching up with the latest news on what's happening at the other side of the earth. Everyone at my side of the earth spent their days monitoring the TV news and newspapers. Whenever we receive news on the latest catastrophe, people would utter a calm "Oh no....". Nothing has happened here yet, but everyone knew in their hearts that it could happen any time unexpectedly.
As I get updates on the news, my heart felt heavier by the day. Not because I was afraid of dying, but because I wasn't sure if I would really go to Heaven. I reflected back on my time on earth, and all I could remember deeply was the regret that I haven't gotten to know my God well enough. I don't know what He wants, what He thinks, what hurts Him, His heartbeat. Sure, now that I knew I could go any time, I could have caught up with my Bible reading, or simply utter a prayer of repentance, asking God to forgive all of my sins and promise that I'll change.
But in my heart I knew that by doing so, it was only cheap grace, a "cheating" way to get into Heaven. I pictured myself standing in front of Heaven's door, lining up to get in with some of the more devoted and obedient believers around me. They were happy and excited to meet God, the One they've been loving, serving and depending on all the days of their lives, and now they finally get to see Him and be with Him forever.
As for myself, I didn't feel the same way. All I felt was, "Okay, I have died and now I have arrived in Heaven. Phew...". I was only concerned that where I was going to after I die wasn't hell, and Heaven seems to be a nicer place to be in than hell.
So what after I arrived in Heaven? What would I say to God when I meet Him? Would I be able to recognize that it's Him, since I don't know Him well enough? I would probably just wave and say, "Oh, hi, God." compared to others who would throw their arms around Him and cry in happy tears, all the time spent on earth serving and loving Him, all the sacrifices and persecutions was worth. I would probably just roam around alone in this unfamiliar place called Heaven, compared to other excited children of God who would run around asking God to bring them around for a visit, sitting at Jesus' feet, just being with Him.
And so I figured that no, by saying my repentance prayer when I'm about to die was really a cheap way of getting to Heaven. I would rather go to Heaven knowing that I've done my part to deserve it. Being a person who would rather not lie to myself, I chose not to do it. Instead, in my heart, I said, "God, you know how I've spent my time on earth. Never really taken efforts to pray, read your Word and get to know you. You know my sins, and ultimately you're the one judging where I should go after I die. God, I want to be fair, and I want you to be fair, I'm ready for anything, Lord. I'm sorry. You can do whatever it is you wish."
As I reflected on my days on earth, what came to my mind wasn't all my achievements, my good grades, the money I earned, not even all the serving in church and cell group. All I could feel was the regret that I hadn't spent more time with God, not during church or cell group time, but personally in my private time with God in getting to know Him better, my walk with Him.
What comes after that was the regret that I'd been too busy and superficial with it comes to spending time with the people I love. My family, my bf, my dear friends and loved ones around me. I felt that my time had been wasted on unimportant things. Not that being busy serving in church and cell group is wasting time, but really, it is the relationship you build in the process of serving God, with God and with the people you serve with. When you're near death, nothing else comes to mind and is more important than your relationship with God and your loved ones.
Knowing that these days would probably be my last days living as a human being, I went back to my grandma's place in Malacca the first thing. All these while when I spend time with her, it had been superficial. Yes I'd chat with her every now and then, eat together, watch TV together. But do I really KNOW her? Know her inside out, her wishes, her pain, her sickness, her worries, her thoughts? This time when I went back to see her, it was different. I was practically sticking by her ALL the time. When she's busy managing her altar stuff, when she's walking n and out of the house, when she's doing kitchen work, I was always beside her, trying to make her happy, chat with her, get her attention. Something that an obedient grandchild would do. I really hugged her tight, made sure I told her I love her, and I could feel and see the difference, she became a happier grandmother.
The next place I went to was my own house. I went into my parent's bedroom. My dad was preparing to sleep, as well as Charity, snuggling herself in her blanket, and Evangeline who was as always, hyper and happily jumping about near bedtime. I don't know why I didn't see the rest of my family members, but nevermind. I felt such pain in my heart knowing that I might not ever see them again, knowing that these innocent, pure babies will die soon, whether in a flood or in any other ways. I quickly hugged them tight, real tight while feeling a sense of sharp pain and loss. Imagining my sisters struggling in a flood was awful.
I then left, and spent time with my friends. I don't remember who exactly, but we were a bunch of sampat kids, hanging out in a mall. There wasn't a single care in the world. We strolled around, laughing like hyena, do funny things, and I even bought myself a Honeydew Bubble Tea, thanked God that he created BBT, and I was privileged to have one before I die.
Then, I saw my darling, and we spent time together. Normally, we would just walk around the mall care-freely, hold or don't hold hands also can, just very relaxing. But this time, it was different. When we saw each other, we really held each other close. All the holding hands, hugs and kisses were so passionate. We didn't bother about what others would think. When we looked at each other, we really looked deep into each other's eyes. Everything was so real. There was so much love. And I wondered to myself, why had we not looked at each other like that when we were still able to? Why had we not held each other tight whenever we could? Why had we been so casual, so superficial, so conveniently be with each other?
After that, I didn't see any of them anymore. I entered into another place, I could feel that the end is getting nearer. I was in a dark, big house with some of my church members, POS members. Sarah Ho (hahah random..) handed out 70's & 80's DVDs to each group that she had divided us into, and asked us to go to our respective corners to watch them. It was to keep us occupied, so that we wouldn't be 'waiting' to die in fear, but just be calm, and let things take its place.
There were some more here and there, but this is all I can remember. I woke up in the middle of the night in fear. Spent a few mins wondering if it was all just a dream. When I finally convinced myself that it was, instead of feeling relieved as usual, I felt even worse. Why would God give me a dream like this? It was so so so real and tangible. I guessed it was a timely dream.
I've dreamed about the weirdest nightmares (clowns and parrots), scariest catastrophe such as earthquakes and seeing ppl die in my face, but this is the longest and most realistic nightmare I've ever had. I could even reason why God in my dream: "God, I thought that there would be a rapture before the end of the earth? God, I thought you said in your Word that you wouldn't destroy the earth with a flood anymore?" It was this real; I could still think this much.
I stayed in bed wide awake for almost an hour. Refused to move an inch due to the fear in me, and recalled parts of my dream. I prayed for the peace of God to come upon me, and it did make me feel a bit better.
Before I forced myself back to sleep, I thanked God in my heart that He allowed me to go through it in a dream, instead of real life. It was as if God was giving me a chance to live again, a chance to do it right this time, before it is too late.
It served as a warning for me. We haven't lived if we haven't loved. You're still alive, so, do it right!
love, careen.
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