Jennifer Aniston and Natalie Portman Fight Over Me...

So I was standing in line at Walmart along with virtually everyone else in North Arkansas, waiting for my turn to check out when I suddenly heard a voice yelling “HEY YOU!” I looked around decided I was just hearing things and went back to staring blankly off into the distance and waiting patiently.

“HEY MAN! JAY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! HEY!”

Again I look around and I suddenly realize that it's Natalie Portman, yelling at me from the cover of .. uh .. some magazine that I can't remember.

(not the actual magazine cover)

I looked at her and then looked around and pointed at myself as if to say “Who, me?”

Nat: “Yes you!”

Me: “Uh, what do you want?”

Nat: “I was listening to I'm With Stupid a couple of weeks ago and heard you say that I was dead to you. What's up with that??”

Me: “Hey, I can't be talking to you here. The restraining order....”

Nat: “Forget that. I initiated the conversation. Anyway, so why am I dead to you?”

Me: “Well, just like I said. You got pregnant and engaged to some twinkle toes nancy boy and then did a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. That rom-com was just a bridge too far babe.”

Nat: “Oh that's bullshit. Anyway, after all these years of ranking me #1 on your “list” now I'm dead to you? That really hurts.”

Me: “You'll get over it.”

Nat: GASP! “You don't understand. It really does hurt”

Me: “Well maybe you should have thought about that while you were ignoring me all these years.”

Nat: “Haven't you ever heard of playing hard to get?”

Me: “Now THAT'S bullshit. You're just saying all this because I finally had enough and dumped you. I do have some pride ya know.

Suddenly a new voice: “Oooo I like a man who stands up for himself! Very nice”

Me: Looks around … “Oh .. Jennifer Aniston on the cover of some other magazine. How YOU doin?”

(also, not the magazine cover)

Nat: “Who asked your opinion Jen? You're all washed up. Your movie with Adam Sandler tanked and I'm about to win an Oscar.”

Jen: “Well, nobody asked me, but I heard how mean you were being to such a sweet guy and I just had to chime in. Congrats on your Oscar Ms “I'm such a great fucking actress and I'm so much better than everyone else.”

Jen: “Anyway, thanks for the birthday shout out to me on your Tumblr the other day. That was very sweet. Well, techinically I think you only wished my legs a happy birthday, but that was nice anyway.”

Nat: “See, you are just sooooo shallow. That's insulting. But, since you have no substance and will never win an Oscar, I guess I should expect nothing less from you.”

Me: “You're welcome Jen and I only mentioned your legs because they're so freaking spectacular. Anyway, I hope it was a great birthday. Well, it's my turn to checkout ladies. Nice talking to you both.”

Jen: “Have a great day sweetie.”

Nat: “I'm serious about playing hard to get I never meant to hurt you.”

Jen: “Oh good grief. Whatever. Bye Natalie the fake nerdy girl who was in Star Wars.”

Nat: “Bye Jen and your perfect fucking hair and your complete lack of acting talent.”

Me: “Bye!”

Jen: “Bye. Have a great day.”

Nat: “Shalom! Call me!”

In Case You Missed It ....

*ANNOUNCEMENT*
Before I get into today's recycled material, I have a major announcement to make.

"I'm With Stupid" is on the move again.  We can now be heard on THURSDAY nights at 11 pm EST.  We thank everyone who keeps moving around with us.  Hopefully we'll find a day and time slot that works and stick with it someday.

And now, on with today's post!

--

So here’s the God’s honest truth.  I’m not that clever.  I don’t think I have enough good material for both this blog and the radio show.  Of course, I’m stretching the definition of “good” a bit, but go along with me here people. 

Also, it’s entirely possible that someone will be doing a Google search for “Natalie Portman Lesbian Scene” or “Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis Lesbian Scene” and happen upon this blog, listen to the interview, be entertained and start listening to the show.  Okay, it’s a stretch, but I thought I’d try.

If you listened to the show and have already heard this tripe brilliant and hilarious stuff, you have three options:  1) Ignore this blog post and move onto something more interesting, 2) Tell me that you already heard this and that you would prefer it if I did something original, or 3) Comment anyway and pretend that you enjoyed it. 

Two of those three will hurt my very fragile feelings and then I will have to take it out on the little old lady who lives upstairs which will result in her sitting on the steps crying her eyes out.  So think before you choose!



Anyway, I thought I would post my Top Ten Wikileaks discoveries that I did on last week’s half show.


Top Ten things revealed in the latest WikiLeaks documents…

10. The Champs Elysees really is tree-lined so that the German Army could march in the shade.

9. When told that Prince William had proposed to Kate Middleton, the prince’s grandfather, Prince Phillip declared “Well, that’s a relief. I was afraid the kid was a poofter.”

8. French President Nicolas Sarkozy likes to unwind in the evening by drinking a 40 oz Steele Reserve beer.

7. Italian President Silvio Berlesconi has a disturbing obsession with Miley Cyrus and celebrated her birthday by playing and dancing to “Party in the U.S.A.” over and over again.

6. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu loves pulled pork BBQ.

5. While President Obama is only “half black” because he has a white mother, his staff likes to joke that he’s “black where it counts” which they discovered when the first lady put Magnum condoms on the shopping list.

4. Whenever Sec. of State Hillary Clinton walks into a room, they play “My Humps” by Fergie.

3. Burkina Faso President Blaise Compaore prefers white women. And loves to scream “Where da white women at” to his staff.

2. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin thinks that college football’s BCS system is “complete bullshit.”

1. Afghan President Hamid Karzai defriended former Vice President Dick Cheney on Facebook because he was sick and tired of all the “God Damn Farmville Requests!”


After I thought about it for a few minutes, I decided that if I’m going to do this, I might as well post the audio of my “interview” with Natalie Portman too.  What the hell right?  It’s about 3 minutes…

Hanukkahhpalooza Bitches!!

Happy Hanukkah kids!

Tonight on "I'm With Stupid"  Matt-Man and I celebrate Hanukkah, talk about the real impact of Wikileaks, do an interview with Natalie Portman and so much more! Also, we will have a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT to make.

We hope you will be there with us and even call in if you like.  But, if you can't remember you can always listen anytime in archives.

Check out how much listening has changed President Obama's life...



See how awesome the show is?? 

Gobble, Gobble ...

Okay kids, it's almost time for me to hit the road to Omaha. I'll be leaving by around 9 am on Friday and will return home sometime around sunset on Friday the 26th. Over the last few years the week of Thanksgiving has marked a semi-hiatus of sorts for me and this blog through the end of the year. But, let's be honest. This blog has been on semi-hiatus for months now. I'm barely posting, so there's really no reason to make any announcement as to how things will be going on this blog after I get back from Nebraska. They'll probably be the same.

I really don't want this blog to become nothing more than a place for me pimp the radio show. You know, "I'm With Stupid" which can be heard live every Friday night at 11 pm EST on Blog Talk Radio. Or, if you can't be there live, you can always listen in archives. It's a pretty good time. Last week's episode is currently ranked #4 in the Comedy category. So we're getting a few listeners in archives and, more importantly, having a freaking blast doing the show. But, it would be even MORE fun with you there. This week is our Thanksgiving Extravaganza! You KNOW that's going to be fun!

Also, check out this great promo that Kevin Spacey did for our show. I mean sure, he doesn't know he did it, but it was cool of him to anyway.

Of course, I still have my TUMBLR blog going. But, that's mostly just pics, videos, quotes and audio. But, it's kinda cool too. People post all kinds of awesome stuff over there. I will probably be posting some stuff over there next week. I have one post that will go up here on this blog next week, but as on now nothing else is planned. After I get back from Nebraska I will have to decide what to do about this blog. Like if I'm going to actually try to get back on a regular blogging schedule and what I will blog about and that all that shit.

But, for now, I'm just going to go and enjoy myself in that hot rockin' town of Omaha. I will be around on Twitter some and will try to get by to everyone's blog a couple of times. Of course, I'm always available via email if you feel like sending sexy pics or marriage proposals. Or both.

So, everyone have a great Thanksgiving and I'll see you when I see you.

Until then, enjoy this pic of Natalie Portman out hunting for her Thanksgiving dinner in her upcoming movie "Your Highness"


For an even more exciting pic of Natalie from that movie, visit my Tumblr Blog.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Strip Club Rules ...

Another one from the mailbag:

Yo, Viking Dude, first of all I just wanted to let you know that you’re my fucking hero.  I’m serious.  I fucking love your blog and think you are the coolest cat around. 

Here’s my situation.  I think I’ve finally worked up the courage to go to a strip club this weekend.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Thanks,
G-Dawg


G-Dawg,

Thanks for the kind words.  That was very nice of you to say.  It’s nice to get positive feedback every once in a while.  I mean sure all those sexy pics and love letters that women email to me are awesome, but sometimes having a stranger take the time to tell me how awesome I am is really nice too.

So, as for your question you’ve come to the right place dude.  Here is the information you need.

- First I recommend that you go during the day until you learn the ropes.  Things are usually more laid back during the day, the crowds are smaller (and less scary) and you can settle in better.

- BE NICE TO THE GIRLS.  I can’t stress this enough.  For the most part the girls are friendly and nice and they take a lot of shit from douche bags.  Don’t be one of them.

- TIP!  Go up to the stage, stand where you’re supposed to stand (learn from watching other people) and tip the girl.  And then .. SAY THANK YOU to the girl. 

- Don’t drink too much.  People say and do stupid things when they’re drunk.  By not drinking too much you won’t risk doing something that will get you physically removed from the club.

- Don’t start going to the club every single day.  That’s pathetic.  At least don’t go to the SAME club everyday.  Go to different places.  You don’t want the girls to look up and say “OMG, him AGAIN??”

- Fee free to ask the girls what the “rules” are.  They’ll probably ask you if you’ve been there before and then tell you the rules when you say “no” but if they don’t just ask.  They’ll appreciate your consideration.

- Don’t get all grabby.  Let her do her thing when getting a lap dance.  Also, keep your fucking tongue to yourself you sick fuck.  And don’t try to kiss her either.  The dancer sets the rules and you just follow her lead.

- Do not. I mean DO NOT bitch about the prices to the girls.  Anytime you complain about the price of a lap dance you are basically telling the girl she isn’t worth it.  That’s rude.  Besides, complaining about the prices also tells the girls that you’re a cheap bastard.

- TIP!  This one bears repeating. The girls are working hard. They’re trying to make sure you have a great experience and their time is worth paying for.  

- Maker her laugh.  Dancers put up with the absolute worst of society. Every single kind of asshole and rude, arrogant fuck come into their clubs every single day.  Instead of being one of those guys, be the one who made her laugh and feel good.  Compliment her and be casual and comfortable around her and just be a gentleman in general.

Okay, so the last two thing you are probably wanting to ask, or maybe the ONLY things are whether or not it’s okay to ask for “extras” in the VIP room or even ask her on a date.  Well, that’s a tough one.

Let’s just say “NO” to asking for extras.  If you happen to find a girl who does that, she will find a way to let you know that it’s available. 

Anyway, as for asking her out, after you’ve kind of gotten to know her a bit and have been to the club and are comfortable with her and have been VERY nice to her and generous then it is probably okay to ask her if she would like to get lunch or maybe some coffee sometime.  Don’t ask her if she wants to go home with you or go someplace like a bar or something.  If (uh well, WHEN actually) she says no, just tell her you understand and then continue to be nice to her. Don’t go all psycho stalker.  That’s basically why most dancers are so guarded. 

And one more time …. TIP THE DANCERS … This is their job. They’re there to make a living and pay their bills.  You are the customer and you are getting something from them of value (there time and the chance to see their boobies up close).  Expect to pay for it and be willing to do so.


And just for the hell of it, what Natalie Portman would look like as a stripper:

Why I'm Still Single ...

Not too long ago someone wrote an article for CNN.com about being single into her 40s.  The article was aimed mostly at women, but much of the same things apply to men.  The gist of the article was that most people assume there’s “something wrong” with anyone who reaches his/her 40s without ever having gotten married.

So, I thought I would list my reasons for not having gotten married yet:

- Prefer the wild and crazy life of a playboy.

- It’s the only way I can fulfill my dream of dying old and alone.

- I would feel guilty about being a dirty old man if I was married.

- I’m opposed to straight marriage.

- Call me weird, but having someone around who points out all my faults everyday doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.

- I just haven’t found the stripper I want to marry yet.

- How can I decide which blogger I’m going to marry if none of them will send me sexy pics?

- I’m still holding out for Natalie Portman


- I don’t like people messing with my stuff, like moving it around and going through my closets or drawers and shit.

- I haven’t found anyone I want to give half my fortune to.


Okay, so actually I made a little graph that is probably more realistic…

Natalie Portman

Definitely one of my favorite actresses. Geez, first she shaves her head, then her eyebrows?! What's next, plucking out all her eyelashes?

The Finals ....

Okay, I've posted the rejected and accepted lists so I guess that means that today is the day I post the finalists and the winner of my new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend™ competition. The winner will be notified via email so that she can quickly get her lawyers to send me a restraining order that I can frame and put on my wall.

Before I get to the finalists, I have to mention that Reb nominated Stana Katic. I was torn as to which list to put Stana and in the end kind of just left her out by accident. But, I do believe she would go on the accepted list.

Okay, on with the finalists...

1. Ami Tokito:


I know you saying "Wha? Where did she come from?" See, Grant decided to take Yuri Ebihara back cause he was already missing her and said I could have Ami Tokito. This was a fair trade as I do have a preference for Ami over Ebi-chan. So it's a win-win for everyone involved except the women.

2. Penelope Cruz:


Yeah, you knew there was going to be a Hispanic/Latina/Spanish chick on the list. And the bonus of being Penelope's boyfriend is that you get to spend some time around her sister Monica who is pretty freaking fabulous herself:


3. Natalie Portman:


The only people who elicit more bitching and whining from women when I mention or post about them than Natalie are Asian chicks. I think that's kind of funny. I think Natalie rocks. She's cute, smart and talented.

4. Scarlett Johansson:


Yeah, she's pretty freaking gorgeous. I bet you're surprised to see a blond on the list. Well that's what's so awesome about me. I have varied interests.

5. Emmanuelle Chirqui:


Jeeezus this chick is beautiful. I really don't know that much about her other than she seems pretty nice, has exotic looks and spectacular legs. What else could you ask for. And BTW, I nominated her myself. ;-)



So, you are probably asking "Who's the winner?" Well, that's a good question. The answer is .... uh ... all of them?

Honestly I can't really decide. Hell, even everyone on the rejected list is actually more than acceptable. In fact, I'm kind of surprised that nobody pointed out that my "rejected" list is full of women who wouldn't even give a schmuck like me the time of day. Except for Heidi Montag, of course. She's pathetic.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I'm not good at commitment or making decisions. The second I decide to go with Scarlett Johansson, I'll tune into Telemundo and completely forget about blonds with spectacular racks. Or maybe I'll be flipping the channels and see Eva Longoria in her skivvies on "Desperate Housewives." Or I'll check out some gossip sites on the net and see pics of Rachel Bilson in a bikini. Or I'll see Carrie Underwood perform at the CMAs. And when any of those things happen, I'll be either dumping my fantasy girlfriend or at least cheating on her.

So, I think it's best to just be honest with all the celebrity babes out there and let them know that I just can't be faithful to them. I'm sure they appreciate my honesty.

Sure, it would be nice to have like a real life girlfriend. But, real life women tend to have expectations and shit like that. I hate that. It's so unfair. So, it's best that I just stick with the fantasy girlfriends for now.

Just Bitching About Stuff ...

There are a few things that have been getting on my nerves lately. So I thought maybe if I just blog about them, I’ll get past them and move onto other things that will surely annoy me too.


- You are not allowed to claim that there are TOPLESS PICTURES of a popular actress/singer/supermodel/politician/beauty queen, if she is actually covering herself up with her arm, hands or towel or anything else. Just because she’s not wearing a top, doesn’t mean she’s actually “topless.” If I can’t see her boobies, you can’t call her “topless.”

- You can’t use “Gonzo” in your name if you are just another Mommy Blogger. If you call yourself something like “GonzoBitch69” (which would be a really awesome screen name, btw) I better not click on the link to your blog and find nothing but stories about what you precious little snowflake did today. That’s not “Gonzo” style.

- If you are going to refer to NY Senator Chuck Schumer as “That Jew” issuing a statement where you just say “I don’t use a teleprompter” isn’t exactly an apology or an explanation.

- Memo to Dirk Nowitzki. If you alleged fiancé turns out to be a stripper with eight aliases and warrants for her arrest in at least two states, then it might be time to reassess where you life is going.

- Jessica Biel is the latest Hollywood Starlet to play the “My beauty makes it hard for me to get good roles” card. Jesus I’m so fucking sick of hearing this from these girls. She claims that she is getting beat out for good roles by Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson because she’s just too beautiful. Holy crap! Yeah, because Natalie and Scarlett are UHG-LEEE!

You know Jessica, it might be that you get beat out for those roles because these other women are, IDK, better actresses? Maybe they’re easier to work with. Maybe they’re not so damn hung up on themselves that they say “please don’t let my amazingly perfect beauty get in the way of my getting this role?”

Recently Megan Fox made a similar claim. She said she wasn’t taken seriously as an actress because she’s so beautiful. Um no, you’re not taken seriously because you don’t have much talent. And because just a week or so before your latest movie comes out you make sure let everyone know that you’re bisexual and want to get busy with Olivia Wilde. (So do I, by the way.) Which pretty much screams “Don’t take me seriously as an actress, just notice me because I’m freaking hot!”

Look, I know that really good roles for women are hard to come by in Hollywood. I know that every single young hottie gets a dozen offers a day to play a stripper or hooker. I know that it is insulting and it’s not fair. But, for these two to act like they don’t get roles because they’re so much more beautiful than everyone else is silly.

BTW, Charlize Theron gets great roles. And I dare you to say that she’s not freaking hot as hell…


--

The other thing I want to bitch about today is American Idol.

Patsy Montana (AKA: Rubye Blevins)
Glen Campbell
Johnny Cash
Jimmy Driftwood
K.T. Oslin
Charlie Rich
Conway Twitty
Amy Lee (Evanescence)

And now…

Kris Allen…


Yup, Arkansas’ domination of the music world continues.

I’m glad Kris won and I hope he has a great career. I don’t know if he deserved to more than Adam or not. I didn’t watch the final. But, there are two things that annoyed me about the whole thing.

- So many people, especially the media, tried to turn this whole AI final into a political battle. Once again, they wanted everyone to square off along the Red v. Blue lines. Just another battle in the culture wars.

And of course, when Kris won, people came rushing out to tell us all what this means about a Christian America and the rejection of gays and men who wear eyeliner or whatever. Which is total bullshit.

Kris won, because 38% of all votes cast came from the state of Arkansas. While it’s true that Adam probably did get a few of those votes, he was basically spotting Kris 38%, meaning that Kris didn’t need a big percentage of the remaining vote. No way Adam or anyone else was going to overcome that.

Which brings me to the other thing that has been annoying me…

- All the people in Arkansas who have been saying “You MUST support Kris because he’s from Arkansas!”

Really? How ‘bout supporting him because he’s the better singer? Why support him only because he’s from my home state?

I see this all the time in sports forums too. If you criticize any Arkansas player or coach then you’re not a real Arkansas fan! Real fans support the team no matter what and NEVER criticize!

What the hell people? Why do so many people always want to divide everyone up along political, religious or geographic lines? Why can’t we just fucking sit back and enjoy a singing competition or a sporting event without all this shit? Why do some people always want to take all the fun out of everything?

Seizing The Moment ...

First I want to wish my sister Kell, a Happy Birthday! You can go wish her a Happy Birthday over at her BLOG too if you want.

--

So Natalie Portman and somebody less important than her have started this new website about film making called makingof.com. The idea behind the website is that movie fans will get to see all the people that it takes to make a movie. All the support people and behind the scenes people all that good stuff. I think this is pretty cool because there are a lot of really essential people behind every movie that never get any real recognition. Not even during the "In Memoriam" segment at the Oscars.

But, today's post isn't about that website. What I want to address is what happened while Natalie was taking questions from the audience that was gathered for her announcement about the launch of this website. Some dude got up and basically hit on Natalie...


"Alas, Portman’s traffic likely dropped by one today when a male fan ambushed her. “I’m having girl issues,” he said, standing up to offer the last question. “I was wondering: How does one attain the key to your heart?”

Groans ensued. Portman smiled. “Not in an audience."'


Okay, so I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Man, she owned him." And you're right, she did. And you're thinking "That dude is kind of a douche nozzle." Correct again.

But, I also kind of admire that guy. I mean, that took courage in a way. He had to know he was going to be humiliated but it's Natalie Freaking Portman. It was worth a shot.


This is the best chance this dude is ever going to get. This is as close as he will ever get to Natalie without a couple of big goons grabbing him and taking him into a back alley somewhere and beating the shit outta him, leaving him with a couple of broken ribs, some internal injuries and bleeding from a couple of holes that he didn't used to have. You just don't get this kind of opportunity in life. Oh sure, we will probably all get a chance to hit on Linsday Lohan at some old dive bar, liquor store or crack den someday. But this isn’t some skank we’re talking about. It’s Natalie Freaking Portman. The chick that every pervy, socially awkward, virgin until he was 30 years old guy has been in love with since she played Mathilda Padme. It’s the chance of a lifetime!

I'm proud of him for not cowering in the big moment. This was his one chance. The chance he's been waiting his whole life for. The million-to-one shot we all dream of and only hot Vegas cocktail waitresses chasing George Clooney ever get to realize. He seized the moment and went for it. And he didn't care how badly he was humiliated or how much of a pathetic obsessed, creepy, stalker fan boy dweeb he looked like.

That takes balls. Oh sure, Natalie now has his balls in a drawer somewhere. But, while the rest of us spend our lives sending letters to Natalie that just get forwarded to the authorities and get those restraining orders and warning letters from lawyers in return, he had the courage to bring his creepiness right out into the open for everyone to see.

Now he has a great story he can tell his kids grandkids his creepy friends during happy hour. A story of courage. A story of taking that chance when it presents itself. An inspiring story of a sad, desperate man who, face with insurmountable odds and the chance to be mocked by bloggers the world over, stood tall, stood proud and hit on Natalie Portman.

Bravo man! Brav-OH! I am proud of you. And I hope his story has inspired you to just go for whatever it is you want in life, consequences and dignity be dammed too!

Goodbye 2008 ....

So it's 2009!

Well okay, it's not really 2009 right now, while I'm typing this. And it won't yet be 2009 when I post it. But, work with me here people, okay?

Anyway, I guess it's time for predictions and revolutions resolutions.

So here are a few predictions for 2009:

1. The hottest selling toy of the year will be the Governor Rod Blegojevich Action Figure. Mostly because of it's cool accessories.

- The doll comes with three different outfits for him to wear. A business suit for work. A jogging suit so he can run out of his house and meet with the media for a few minutes. And a bright orange prison jump suit.

- A bag full of hair care accessories. Combs, brushes, mousse, hair spray and a blow drier to help keep that awesome helmet head haircut looking good.

- A suitcase full of unmarked non-sequential $100 bills.

- And the best part is the kickbacks refunds that everyone gets. The doll is normally $19.99, but if you slip the store clerk a $5 bill, he or she will sell you the doll for only $9.99. So, you end up saving $5, and the clerk get's $5 under the table. It's a win-win situation!

2. A massive cold front will grip the U.S. in the middle of February. People as far south as Jackson, Mississippi and as far west as Las Vegas will be iced in. Al Gore will give a hastily put together speech saying that this is a result of "Global Cooling" and is man-made and can only be stopped by the elimination of electric and hybrid cars.

3. The Political world is rocked when pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin wearing leather dominatrix outfits and whipping Bill Clinton and New Gingrich are published by the National Enquirer.

4. Natalie Portman will see the error of her ways and show up at my door one night with the torn up remains of her restraining order against me in her hands ready to beg me for forgiveness and to take her in. But, he hopes will be dashed when the door opens and she sees Olivia Munn in my kitchen making me Beef Stew while wearing her Princess Leia outfit.


Then poor Natalie will scream "HOW COULD YOU!" at me. Or maybe at Olivia, it'll be tough to tell. Then she'll throw the torn up remains of my restraining order on the ground and run to her car while sobbing uncontrollably. She will then sit in her car for a while crying and cursing the bitter twist of fate that has befallen her.

Of course, Olivia will run over and clean up all the paper scraps on the floor, including the scraps that fell on the patio outside. She likes to keep the place tidy, ya know.


--


Okay, on to some resolutions ...

After my "How to be a Better Stalker and Stalkee" post, along with the "Room with a View" post that ended up with my neighbor making a cameo while I was video taping the view out my peephole, I don't think it's possible to raise the level of creepiness of this blog. So, I'm not even going to try. But, here are a few things I will make an effort to achieve ...

1. In honor my good friend Vinny Bond, I will no longer make fun of that decrepit, crime-filled, blight on the American South's landscape that gives ghettos a bad name city of Memphis that he calls home. (Hey, it's not 2009 yet!)

I'm doing this just for you Vinny. I hope you appreciate it.

Besides, how could I waste so much time and creative energy making fun of Memphis when a city like Detroit exists?

2. I will post on this blog a minimum of six days a week. Even if I just don't feel like it.

3. I will give up tequila completely.

4. Hell I'll even give up Tila Tequila completely.


5. I will make a real and honest effort to make sure that for the first time in the history of this blog, the number one search terms for the year will not be "Giada de Laurentiis boobs/cleavage/nude/naked/whatever."


6. I think I will even try to raise the intellectual level of this blog and try to be taken more seriously by not posting any pics of half-naked babes anymore.



Ohhhhhhhhhh darn! Looks like I had my fingers crossed when I made those resolutions!

Sucks!

Well, I guess I'll just have to come up with some vague resolution about being a better blogger and more decent person or some shit like that. Whatever.

Anyway, hope everyone has a great New Year and I hope that 2009 is the best year EVER!