Jennifer Aniston and Natalie Portman Fight Over Me...

So I was standing in line at Walmart along with virtually everyone else in North Arkansas, waiting for my turn to check out when I suddenly heard a voice yelling “HEY YOU!” I looked around decided I was just hearing things and went back to staring blankly off into the distance and waiting patiently.

“HEY MAN! JAY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! HEY!”

Again I look around and I suddenly realize that it's Natalie Portman, yelling at me from the cover of .. uh .. some magazine that I can't remember.

(not the actual magazine cover)

I looked at her and then looked around and pointed at myself as if to say “Who, me?”

Nat: “Yes you!”

Me: “Uh, what do you want?”

Nat: “I was listening to I'm With Stupid a couple of weeks ago and heard you say that I was dead to you. What's up with that??”

Me: “Hey, I can't be talking to you here. The restraining order....”

Nat: “Forget that. I initiated the conversation. Anyway, so why am I dead to you?”

Me: “Well, just like I said. You got pregnant and engaged to some twinkle toes nancy boy and then did a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. That rom-com was just a bridge too far babe.”

Nat: “Oh that's bullshit. Anyway, after all these years of ranking me #1 on your “list” now I'm dead to you? That really hurts.”

Me: “You'll get over it.”

Nat: GASP! “You don't understand. It really does hurt”

Me: “Well maybe you should have thought about that while you were ignoring me all these years.”

Nat: “Haven't you ever heard of playing hard to get?”

Me: “Now THAT'S bullshit. You're just saying all this because I finally had enough and dumped you. I do have some pride ya know.

Suddenly a new voice: “Oooo I like a man who stands up for himself! Very nice”

Me: Looks around … “Oh .. Jennifer Aniston on the cover of some other magazine. How YOU doin?”

(also, not the magazine cover)

Nat: “Who asked your opinion Jen? You're all washed up. Your movie with Adam Sandler tanked and I'm about to win an Oscar.”

Jen: “Well, nobody asked me, but I heard how mean you were being to such a sweet guy and I just had to chime in. Congrats on your Oscar Ms “I'm such a great fucking actress and I'm so much better than everyone else.”

Jen: “Anyway, thanks for the birthday shout out to me on your Tumblr the other day. That was very sweet. Well, techinically I think you only wished my legs a happy birthday, but that was nice anyway.”

Nat: “See, you are just sooooo shallow. That's insulting. But, since you have no substance and will never win an Oscar, I guess I should expect nothing less from you.”

Me: “You're welcome Jen and I only mentioned your legs because they're so freaking spectacular. Anyway, I hope it was a great birthday. Well, it's my turn to checkout ladies. Nice talking to you both.”

Jen: “Have a great day sweetie.”

Nat: “I'm serious about playing hard to get I never meant to hurt you.”

Jen: “Oh good grief. Whatever. Bye Natalie the fake nerdy girl who was in Star Wars.”

Nat: “Bye Jen and your perfect fucking hair and your complete lack of acting talent.”

Me: “Bye!”

Jen: “Bye. Have a great day.”

Nat: “Shalom! Call me!”

R.I.P. Beauregard ...

First a little Walmart story…

I came walking around the corner of the chip isle planning on grabbing a bag of Great Value Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips.  Standing right in front of where they normally are was an older lady.

Lady: “Yooooo lookin’ for Nah-cho cheese chips hun?”

Me: “Yep.” While thinking to myself “I think I can take her.”

Lady: “Well, there’s only one. You take it.”

Me: “Oh no, you go right ahead.”

Lady: “No, I don’t need ‘em anyway hun.”

Me: “Well, neither do I. I’ll ju … oh here’s some more down on the bottom shelf in the back.”

Lady: “Oh goody!  I’ll take this bag then hun. I’m glad I didn’t hafta fight ya for it. I’m gettin’ too old for that.”


--


So, I need to say goodbye to a good friend today.  Beauregard the Bumble Bee died late last week.   Beau was a good bee.  He took up residence in a hole in the wall of my patio a couple of years ago and every time I would leave he would be right there, buzzing around and loving life. 

The first time I met Beau, he came buzzing right towards me.  Naturally I thought he was attacking, but he wasn’t.  He was just coming over to say “Hola!”  From that day on, whenever I would be leaving or coming home Beau would buzz right up next to me and just hang out there for a second and then go on about my business.  Such a friendly bee!

One day, as I was walking down the sidewalk I started sneezing.  I probably sneezed five or six times and here cam Beau.  Flying out of the bushes where he was busy doing his bee thing.  He came up to check on me and make sure I was okay.  I told him it was just my allergies.  He was like “Oh, uh, allergies. Yeah, sorry about that dude.”  But, I told him it was okay, I understood he had a job to do.

Anyway, as I was leaving on Friday I found Beau lying on the patio motionless.  Poor, poor Beau.  He had died sometime during the night I guess.  I felt bad for him.  Just lying there dead on the concrete all alone like that.  And I guess my taking the toe of my shoe and flipping him off into the grass wasn’t the most dignified way for him to go either.  And it was especially sad to see that bird swoop in and snag is carcass and fly off with him to have him for dinner. 

But, you know there’s that whole cycle of life thing too. Maybe this is the way Beau would have wanted it.  The way God intended it to be. 

Anyway, R.I.P. Beauregard the Bumble Bee. 


--


Also, in case you missed it, yesterday was probably out best episode of “I’m With Stupid” yet.  You can listen to it anytime you want in archives or download the show from the main page.  Or just by scrolling down to the post below this one and playing it from here.  (The player will also pop out so you can minimize it and go on about your important business.) 

Or, thanks to Matt-Man, you can check out the show’s brand new website RIGHT HERE! How cool is that?

Random Friday

First a conversation with mom…

While we were watching Jeopardy, a commercial came on for the Missouri Lottery.  The spokesman was saying that they have scratch off games from $1 to $20 dollars.  And he says that the twenty dollar game winner can win $200,000 a year for life! (He doesn’t mention that the state immediately puts out a hit on any winner.)

Mom: “If I ever spend $20 on a scratch off game, just go head and make reservations for me at Shady Pines Rest Home.”

Me: “I’m not worried. You won’t even play dollar slot machines in Vegas.  It’s nickels and quarters only for you!”

--

Okay, so now I’ve seen it all.  I was in Walmart, cause I love going to Walmart, and there was this chick walking in just ahead of me wearing a very tight white tank top (wife beater) and cut-offs.  I noticed her because she had a really awesome body.

Anyway, I walked in and went over to get my razors and some sinus/allergy stuff and then headed across the building to the grocery side.   As I was walking along, I noticed miss white tank top chick in the women’s clothing section.  And what was she doing?

She was trying on shirts. Over her white tank top. In front of a mirror right in front of everybody.  And, the shirts she liked she would put back on the hanger and hang on the wall.  The ones she didn’t like? She just tossed them onto a pile on the floor. 

I mean, I guess I give her credit.  She was dressed and didn’t take her tank top off to try on those shirts in front of everybody.  Although that would been pretty damn awesome. 

So, I guess I’ll add that to my list.  I’ve never seen anyone trying on clothes in a store without going into the dressing/fitting rooms.  Maybe this is a new trend just like the bikini tops and cut-offs trend this summer that I enjoyed so much?  We can only hope so.


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If you watch Food Network for longer than about seventeen second you have probably seen the promos for latest Next Food Network Star Aarti Sequeria’s new show “Aarti’s Party.”

I noticed that at first they were spelling “Party” as “Paarti” and then “Paarty” and then finally just said to hell with it and decided to spell “party” correctly.  Even though I normally really hate it when anyone changes the spelling of a word to make it cute or whatever, in this case I was a little disappointed that they changed it back to the correct spelling.  Mainly because I now doubt there’s any chance that in her first episode she’s going to be deep-frying some potatoes and start singing  “It’s my party and I’ll fry if I want to, fry if I want to…”


--


Don’t forget, this Sunday at 11 AM Easter is “Yom Kippur Me Another One” on “I’m With Stupid” with me and Matt-Man.  We’re opening the phone lines and giving everyone the chance to call in and atone for your sins.  I hope you guys have some good ones.  Make them up if you need to.  And, don’t forget, if you can’t be there to catch us live, you can listen anytime you want in archives or just download the show.

Daisy Dukes, The Sopranos and Premium Cable Shows ...

So it looks like spring has finally sprung here in the Ozarks.  Temps climbed into the upper 80s this weekend and people were out and about.  This was a pretty common sight all weekend long...


There were also lots of people all over the area on motorcycles.  This area has become a bit of cycling hub over the last couple of years.   There is place down at Marble Falls that's hosts a number of different ride ins and whatever else they call them.  They have a hotel and a restaurant and they organize rides around the curvy and scenic back roads.  And it seems to have become pretty popular.  Hope we don't become the new home to the Hell's Angels.

Also, while at Walmart on Sunday I saw another sure sign of spring and summer.  As Bruce Springsteen puts it "Girls in Their Summer Clothes."  Ah yes, my favorite thing about summer.  Girls running around in Daisy Dukes and skimpy clothes trying to stay cool.  At Walmart there were two girls who actually went inside wearing bikini tops and Daisy Dukes.  I've gotten used to seeing them in there in their PJs, but I was a little surprised at this.  I was wondering where their mother was, until I noticed that their mother was there with them.  Mom was also wearing a bikini top and Daisy Dukes.

I may start just hanging out at Walmart on weekends for the summer.

--



Over the last few months I have been in a simple Sunday morning routine.  I get up and watch The Sopranos on A&E.  They show four episodes every Sunday from 8 am til 12 noon.  I never got to see The Sopranos when it ran on HBO because I didn't have HBO at the time.  I know I missed lots of good stuff over those years.  The Sopranos and The Wire are the two that I was most bummed about missing.

Until now!  I have now officially seen The Sopranos all the way through.  Just like any other normal human being.  And I loved it of course.  In fact, A&E started up the whole series again from Season One, Episode One again this last Sunday, and I'm going to watch it all the way through again.

The Wire is more problematic.  Unless I want to watch it illegally online I will probably have to get the DVDs on NetFlix to see it.  Everyone I know who watched that show goes on and on about how great it was.  But, not in the same annoying way everyone goes on and on about Lost. Also, it was created by David Simon who is the creator of Treme, which I really love.  Anyway, my only real goal in life now is to see The Wire.

--

Now that I think about it, I've been pretty deprived of quality entertainment by not having the premium cable channels.  Here's the list of shows that I will have to get the DVDs to watch them from start to finish if they're never shown on basic cable.

1. The Wire
2. Weeds
3. Deadwood
4. Six Feet Under
5. Dexter
6. Californication
7. The Tudors
8. The L-Word
9. OZ
10. Shameless*



*Okay, so Shameless hasn't started yet, but it's going to be on Showtime.  I really know nothing about it, but I hear Emmy Rossum gets all kinds of naked in it.

What Emmy Rossum might look like...


--

Last Friday Doc finally let everyone talk him into posting his Top Ten Twitter Wives on his Twitter Page.  This basically set off the greatest day in the history of Twitter.  Doc survived the day just fine too.  And, now I hear that on Wednesday, Matt-Man is going to post his Top Five Blogger Wives.  I really can't wait.  I don't like to get my hopes up, but I think there's a chance that I might make the list.

682229846144 ...

What is 682229846144 you ask?  The total number of hits this site got last week? Uh, no.  The total number of sexual encounters Paris Hilton had last week? Close! But, no.  The number of Americans who watched the gold medal hockey game against Canada on Sunday? No, but had the US won, that many people would have claimed to have watched it. 

So do you know what that number is?  Do you give up? Okay, I’ll tell ya.  Actually, I kind of cheated.  Here, let me break those numbers down like this for ya …

6822

2984

6144

Now do you know what those numbers represent?

WRONG!

Okay, enough fooling around.  Those are the PIN numbers of the three people using debit cards in front of me at the convenience store today.   I wonder if they even thought about the fact that when they punch in their PIN number on that little thing that everyone standing around them can get their number. 

Now, since I’m not a criminal, and don’t have any real criminal talents, I don’t think there’s anything I can do with this information.  However, there are people out there who can do something with it. 

Whenever I have to punch my numbers in, I make sure that I block anyone else in line and then punch it in real quick like.  I think we should all be sure to be more careful about these things.  It’s too easy to be lazy and think that even if someone does get our PIN number, there isn’t anything they can do without our acct. number or our card.  Well, do we REALLY know that? 

I know people who use their debit card PIN as their password on their email and other sites.  That gives someone with bad intentions even more chance of stealing your identity or engage in other bad activities. 

So, let’s be more careful out there people.  Not everyone is as criminally stupid as I am and can’t think of anything else to do with your PIN numbers other than to post them on a blog.

--

Speaking of the store, it probably comes as no surprise to you that we don’t have a lot of shopping options here.  And the places we do have, don’t have a tremendous variety of stuff to choose from.  We have three grocery stores, but a Super Walmart.  One of the stores is really dirt and ghetto and the people who go there fit right into that theme.  Another one is owned by a family that I would rather have my toenails pulled out one by one than give them any more money.  The last grocery store is very nice and actually has great meat, but its very expensive.

Okay, so we all know that Walmart is going to be cheaper than any of these places already.  But, the problem is, I don’t trust Walmart’s meat.  I’ve had some bad experiences there with their hamburger meat and some steaks.  So, I’ve always just shopped at the nicer grocery store with the really good meat.

Well, I finally decided that maybe I should experiment with getting only the meat at the nice store and everything else at Walmart.  After about four trips to the store it is now clear to me that the saving is somewhere around 18%.  That’s pretty substantial.  I’m pretty sure that the chicken and pork at Walmart is probably okay, it’s just the red meat that is questionable and getting those white meat products at Walmart would probably save even more.  But, for now I’m happy with this arrangement.   Well, as happy as I can be with having to go to two different stores, but that’s life in a small town.

--

Speaking of variety in a small town.  We have our first Thai restaurant here.  I haven’t been in there yet, but every time I’ve driven past the place there has been a pretty good crowd there.  Whenever I finally give it a try I’ll report back. 

Oh, and Grant … I’ll let you know if any Bunnies are working there. 

--

One last thing.  I was given an award by Linda over at The Good the Bad, the Worse.  Normally I don’t do the blog award thing if there isn’t a check involved or if it doesn’t come with an 18 year old stripper, but this award really made me LOL …


How awesome is that?  Thanks babe! 

Also, if you haven’t visited Linda’s blog you should do so now.  She rocks!