So I was standing in line at Walmart along with virtually everyone else in North Arkansas, waiting for my turn to check out when I suddenly heard a voice yelling “HEY YOU!” I looked around decided I was just hearing things and went back to staring blankly off into the distance and waiting patiently.
“HEY MAN! JAY! I'M TALKING TO YOU! HEY!”
Again I look around and I suddenly realize that it's Natalie Portman, yelling at me from the cover of .. uh .. some magazine that I can't remember.
(not the actual magazine cover)
I looked at her and then looked around and pointed at myself as if to say “Who, me?”
Nat: “Yes you!”
Me: “Uh, what do you want?”
Nat: “I was listening to I'm With Stupid a couple of weeks ago and heard you say that I was dead to you. What's up with that??”
Me: “Hey, I can't be talking to you here. The restraining order....”
Nat: “Forget that. I initiated the conversation. Anyway, so why am I dead to you?”
Me: “Well, just like I said. You got pregnant and engaged to some twinkle toes nancy boy and then did a romantic comedy with Ashton Kutcher. That rom-com was just a bridge too far babe.”
Nat: “Oh that's bullshit. Anyway, after all these years of ranking me #1 on your “list” now I'm dead to you? That really hurts.”
Me: “You'll get over it.”
Nat: GASP! “You don't understand. It really does hurt”
Me: “Well maybe you should have thought about that while you were ignoring me all these years.”
Nat: “Haven't you ever heard of playing hard to get?”
Me: “Now THAT'S bullshit. You're just saying all this because I finally had enough and dumped you. I do have some pride ya know.
Suddenly a new voice: “Oooo I like a man who stands up for himself! Very nice”
Me: Looks around … “Oh .. Jennifer Aniston on the cover of some other magazine. How YOU doin?”
(also, not the magazine cover)
Nat: “Who asked your opinion Jen? You're all washed up. Your movie with Adam Sandler tanked and I'm about to win an Oscar.”
Jen: “Well, nobody asked me, but I heard how mean you were being to such a sweet guy and I just had to chime in. Congrats on your Oscar Ms “I'm such a great fucking actress and I'm so much better than everyone else.”
Jen: “Anyway, thanks for the birthday shout out to me on your Tumblr the other day. That was very sweet. Well, techinically I think you only wished my legs a happy birthday, but that was nice anyway.”
Nat: “See, you are just sooooo shallow. That's insulting. But, since you have no substance and will never win an Oscar, I guess I should expect nothing less from you.”
Me: “You're welcome Jen and I only mentioned your legs because they're so freaking spectacular. Anyway, I hope it was a great birthday. Well, it's my turn to checkout ladies. Nice talking to you both.”
Jen: “Have a great day sweetie.”
Nat: “I'm serious about playing hard to get I never meant to hurt you.”
Jen: “Oh good grief. Whatever. Bye Natalie the fake nerdy girl who was in Star Wars.”
Nat: “Bye Jen and your perfect fucking hair and your complete lack of acting talent.”
Me: “Bye!”
Jen: “Bye. Have a great day.”
Nat: “Shalom! Call me!”
No comments:
Post a Comment