Some Observations On My 4.5 Year Bloggiversary...

First, a quick conversation I had with the check out chick at Walmart:

Her: Do you want this Kit-Kat bar kept out?
Me: No, just toss it in the bag.
Her: Are you sure? It’s so hot that it will probably melt in your car.
Me: Just toss it in the same bag with the milk and frozen veggies. That’ll keep it cold.
Her: You are so smart!!  I’m going to have to remember that. That’s such a good idea!
Me: I’m glad I could help.

--

So, this last Saturday was my 4 ½ year blogiversary.   This blog started on Jan 12, 2006.  Seems like only yesterday.  Anyway, I thought I would celebrate my 4 ½ year blogiversary by listing 20 observations about blogging.

1. People are very sensitive about things that they like.  If I don’t like what they like, they tend to get defensive. 

2. Boobies are popular.  Especially Giada de Laurentiis’ boobies.


3. People love to give others advice on how to blog and/or twitter.

4. There are lots and lots of really creative and funny as hell people out there.

5. But, Trolls are sad and pathetic people.

6. There is no observation #6.

7. Strippers that I’ve met in real life are way more friendly than strippers I’ve met on blog and Twitter.  I understand that they have to be careful because of all the creeps and Judgey McJudgersons out there.  But, they should know how much I love them and be my friend.

8. 90% of bloggers are super awesome people. Even the mommy bloggers.

9. If I write a blog post celebrating “curvy” women I’ll get tons of love.

10. If I write a blog post celebrating “petite” women I’ll get lots of grief and even an email telling me that finding petite women (especially Asian women) attractive means I’m basically a pedophile. 


11. So that 10% can be kind of annoying.

12. Sometimes commenting is more fun than writing the posts.

13. It’s amazing how open people can be when they write about their lives and their, um, activities. 

14. It’s almost impossible to stay anonymous in the bloggerhood.

15. I don’t really get the blogs written from the point of view of the family pet thing.

16. Man there are some really damn hot blogging babes out there.

17. More than 90% of my hits are coming only from the US and Canada. I’m finding it much harder to make connections with people outside of the US and Canada than when I first started blogging.  I don’t know why. 

18. People love lists.

19. Sarcasm is something that is either hard to convey through blogs or some people aren’t very good at picking it up.

20. I continue to be amazed at people who can produce quality blogs every single day.

My Blog Is Getting Old ....

Hola Bitches!

Yup, that's right. It’s Blogiversary time again.  Jan 12, Twenty-Ten is this blog's FOURTH birthday.  Given the way people leave the bloggerhood so quickly and often, I think blog years should be counted like dog years are.  One year = seven.  So, this is my blogs 28th birthday.

No wait. That's way to old.  How bout One Blog Year = Four Human Years?  That would make my blog 16.  Yeah!  Much better.  Makes any reference to Dakota Fanning or Miley Cyrus that much less creepy.  I like it.  Also helps excuse the immature and childish humor found here.

So I was thinking this morning about all the people who have come and gone in the bloggerhood and started wondering who has taken Tink's spot as the regular commenter/reader who is still blogging regularly that has been around longest since she left?  So, I had to go through the archives to find out.  Turns out it is Susan from A Slice of My Life!  I bet she's so proud to know that.

This blogging thing has been quite an experience.  Most of it has been awesome.  I've met some pretty amazing people.  I have met a couple of really shitty people too, but you're not going to be able to avoid that.  Just like you can’t avoid the idiots out there who can’t recognize satire when they read it.  But, I would have to say though, that my blogging experience has been about 99% positive.  There are people that I do miss and really hate that they stopped blogging and didn't try to stay in contact at all.  But again, that's part of life too.

On New Year's Day I sat down and organized my Google Reader.  I ended up deleting more than 60 blogs.  Most of them were blogs that I had put in there because I thought they might be interesting, but for whatever reason, I didn't keep them.  Many of them were no longer posting also.  I created a few folders to organize everybody.  I'm not good at categorizing people or blogs, so I kept it simple and went with folders like "Read Every Day" and "Don't Post Often" and "They Don't Read Me" and "Photo Blogs"  No, there isn't one titled "Porn."  That's in my Bloglines Reader along with "Politics" and "Sports."  Okay, I'm kidding, there is no Porn folder there either. But, there is a "Hollywood" folder there.  Which is kinda porn-like.

Anyway, I did create a folder titled "Gone But I Love Too Much to Delete"  Yeah, I sentimental fool.

Speaking of Photo Blogs, several people have decided to join the Project 365 meme and have set up separate blogs to post those pics.  I don't usually comment on photo blogs cause after I while I'm usually just saying the same things like "Nice!" or "Great Shot!" or some other lame thing.  But, I do have them in my reader and you guys are taking some really great pics!

And speaking of the names of those folders, I really suck at that type of thing.  Last year Lists became all the rage on Twitter.  I thought for days and days and all I came up with was "List 1" "List 2" and "List 3" for regular people and then news and politics, sports and celebs.  Pretty creative huh? 

I've been listed by 22 people on there.  Some of the lists I've been put on are "HotChicksAndFunnyBastards" (what about Hot Bastards?), "Smartasses," "Worth More Than 140 Characters" "My Peeps" and of course "Would Kill"

So far I haven't been put on anyone's "People I Hate So Fucking Much I Wish They Would Just Fucking Die of Ass Cancer of the Face" list.  But, I'll keep trying.  Of course, some people keep their lists private, so you never know, right?

Oh and check this out.  The other day I got an email from these people saying that they have given me a blog award and rated my blog and were hoping that I would put their widget linking to their commercial site on my sidebar.  So, I clicked the link in the email and sure enough they had rated my blog....


See, 4.5 stars!  When I saw that I thought "4.5 out of what? 5? That's pretty cool."  Uh, no.  Look at the last blog on that list.  Yeah, 10 stars.  They rated me 4.5 out of 10 and then wanted me to put their widget on my page?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck Yoooooooooooooooooo.

Strange marketing idea there.  "Hey dude!  We've rated your blog as kinda shitty!  And to thank us for this we think you should put our ad on your site for FREE!"  Yeah, no.  Does "NO" work for you?


Oh, and since she is still the boobies name that drives the search engines to this blog, here is your gratuitous Giada De Laurentiis screen grab...




And on one last random note, I guess we all saw the ladies on Facebook posting the color of their bras this past weekend?  It was all done as some breast cancer awareness thing.  Personally I found it kind of amusing and fun.  Did it cure cancer? Of course not. But being creative about keeping the issue of breast cancer awareness front and center is a good cause.

But, what I really loved about all that was the people who got all bitchy about it.  See, anytime someone does something fun and amusing, no matter how big or small, there will be somebody, somewhere who gets all pissed off about it.  And I just love it when that happens.  It’s those people’s insufferable whininess and idiocy that sustains me in my darkest hours.  Going through life with such a bitter, humorless attitude must suck more than anything I can ever think of.

Anyway, I think I’ll celebrate this blog’s fourth birthday by having four drinks.  Or maybe 16.

1000 Words for Post #1000 ...

Yup, this is my ONE THOUSANDTH post baby. Can you believe that? Me neither. It seems kind of weird actually. Man, if I had a dollar for every post I would have, uh, one thousand dollars. Hey, that would be enough for a nice new laptop. Maybe I should have put up one of those Pay Pal buttons a long time ago and said “Like what you see here? Then donate!”

Is that considered income when people do that? Or is it considered a gift? Somebody look into that for me, will ya. Just cause I’m wondering now and I don’t want to Google it. I’m not going to put a Pay Pal button on my blog. Probably. But, it is tempting just to ask all the people who come by to look at pics of hot babes and never comment to leave a couple of bucks. It’s more than fair. I go to the time and effort looking for just the perfect picture of a smoking hot babe and post it here for you enjoyment. No mine! Yours!! I do it for those horny teenagers lonely men sitting at home alone naked on a beanbag chair surfing the net and watching infomercials late at night. They need a little pick me up every once in awhile. But, still paying a buck for it isn’t unfair.

Okay, I don’t really know where I was going with that. Other than it would be nice to have one dollar for every page view this blog has gotten. But obviously, the chances of that happening are about the same as me having sex with some young crazy hot babe. Like this chick…


--

Okay, so I did know this 1000th post was coming up, but I kind of lost count. A couple of weeks ago I thought that I should do something big. But, I couldn’t think of anything that would be all that great. Other than maybe a little full frontal nudity. But, I didn’t want to scare everyone off. I also thought about a contest, but that would be too much effort.

So, I decided to get drunk and blog use post #1000 for a few toasts to be sent out to some folks today…


Toast #1 goes out to my good friend Mr. Vinny Bond.

As most of you know, Vinny will be getting married this Saturday. I feel bad that I won’t be able to be there, but I will be there in spirit Vinny. I’ll raise my glass to you and Nancy and wish you guys all the best.

And then I’ll make some smart-ass crack about how Nancy had plenty of opportunity to run away and didn’t take advantage of it. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of old sentimental fool, ya know. ;-)

What the hell. I’ll dedicate this first shot of bourbon to Vinny and Nance. Then another drink to them on Saturday. Here’s to Vinny and Nancy!


The next toast goes out to Lisa from “A Clear View to a New Life.” Today (Wed) is Lisa’s birthday! Even though Lisa doesn’t blog too much anymore. I still wanted to wish her a happy happy birthday. So, this shot of tequila is for you Lisa.


Oh and another Happy Birthday toast goes out to Laura over at “Living Laura.” Her birthday was, uh, last Wednesday. Oops. Sorry about that babe. Anyway, I raise this next shot of bourbon to Lisa. Happy birthday babe!


The next toast goes out to the ladies who make up the bulk of the hits to this blog. We’re talking about…

Giada de Laurentiis:


&

Rachael Ray:


It still boggles the mind how many hits I get every single day for “Giada de Laurentiis Boobs” or some variation of that, and “Rachael Ray Bikini” or some variation of that. Obviously there are a lot of sex crazed teenage boys lonely men who watch a lot of Food Network and get bored at school work and decide to search for pics of their favorites chefs/cooks.

So, this shot of tequila goes out to Giada de Laurentiis.
And this shot of bourbon goes out to Rachael Ray.


Next, I raise my glass to all the haters. The people who have left rude comments attacking me or have sent emails telling me how immoral I am, or how disgusted you are with me, or how much I obviously hate America because I don’t agree with you on every single issue. Fuck all you Gawd Damn worthless fucks. (Hey, I’ve already had 6 total shots of liquor, you can’t expect me to be diplomatic, can you?) Anyway, I drink yet another shot of tequila for those people.

Oh and just to piss off the people who email me about my immorality and shit whenever I express my support for same sex marriage here:

The next toast goes out to my Man Crush. Even though he has gotten married and had a kid and stopped smoking and seems to be softening up just a bit, this shot of bourbon goes out to Anthony Bourdain:



And this next toast is for all of my blog crushes that I’ve developed over the last 3 ½ years. These are the women of the blogosphere who are brilliant, talented, funny, thoughtful, inspiring and who I want to have sex with until my penis sends me a Cease and Desist Order. For you ladies, I raise yet another glass of tequila. What the hell, I also raise another glass of bourbon. You’re worth it.


Finally, this toast goes out to EVERYONE in the bloggerhood. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome you guys all are. My experiences and the connections I’ve made here have been beyond my wildest expectations. You guys all rock!

So on my 1000th post, I say Here’s to the Bloggerhood!

Damn I’m drunk!

Supporting the Troops ....

Well it’s time for another Back Attack!™ About every four moths or so my back acts up and it decided that this week would be a good time to cause me pain. I never know what sets it off. I could be something as simple as picking something up or twisting funny getting out of my car or whatever. Anyway, I’ve been walking around like a have a corncob stuck up my ass for the last couple of days.


So I was looking at my Site Meter the other day for the first time in like forever and I saw that I was getting several hits form Alexandria, VA. So I clicked on it and look who’s coming by …


Yup, someone at the Pentagon likes my blog. Now, I know you might be thinking that maybe he is coming by because he doesn’t like my blog. Or he considers me some kind of Anti-American nutcase or something. Nope, I think he likes it.

You know why?

Because whatever he was searching for brought him to my blog for this photo …


Heh … yeah baby! Now, you guys should also know that I definitely support our troops. And since I do, I think that I should support my new Air Force friend at the Pentagon with a couple more Giada Pics





Enjoy buddy!


Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Have a great weekend everybody!

Goodbye 2008 ....

So it's 2009!

Well okay, it's not really 2009 right now, while I'm typing this. And it won't yet be 2009 when I post it. But, work with me here people, okay?

Anyway, I guess it's time for predictions and revolutions resolutions.

So here are a few predictions for 2009:

1. The hottest selling toy of the year will be the Governor Rod Blegojevich Action Figure. Mostly because of it's cool accessories.

- The doll comes with three different outfits for him to wear. A business suit for work. A jogging suit so he can run out of his house and meet with the media for a few minutes. And a bright orange prison jump suit.

- A bag full of hair care accessories. Combs, brushes, mousse, hair spray and a blow drier to help keep that awesome helmet head haircut looking good.

- A suitcase full of unmarked non-sequential $100 bills.

- And the best part is the kickbacks refunds that everyone gets. The doll is normally $19.99, but if you slip the store clerk a $5 bill, he or she will sell you the doll for only $9.99. So, you end up saving $5, and the clerk get's $5 under the table. It's a win-win situation!

2. A massive cold front will grip the U.S. in the middle of February. People as far south as Jackson, Mississippi and as far west as Las Vegas will be iced in. Al Gore will give a hastily put together speech saying that this is a result of "Global Cooling" and is man-made and can only be stopped by the elimination of electric and hybrid cars.

3. The Political world is rocked when pictures of Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin wearing leather dominatrix outfits and whipping Bill Clinton and New Gingrich are published by the National Enquirer.

4. Natalie Portman will see the error of her ways and show up at my door one night with the torn up remains of her restraining order against me in her hands ready to beg me for forgiveness and to take her in. But, he hopes will be dashed when the door opens and she sees Olivia Munn in my kitchen making me Beef Stew while wearing her Princess Leia outfit.


Then poor Natalie will scream "HOW COULD YOU!" at me. Or maybe at Olivia, it'll be tough to tell. Then she'll throw the torn up remains of my restraining order on the ground and run to her car while sobbing uncontrollably. She will then sit in her car for a while crying and cursing the bitter twist of fate that has befallen her.

Of course, Olivia will run over and clean up all the paper scraps on the floor, including the scraps that fell on the patio outside. She likes to keep the place tidy, ya know.


--


Okay, on to some resolutions ...

After my "How to be a Better Stalker and Stalkee" post, along with the "Room with a View" post that ended up with my neighbor making a cameo while I was video taping the view out my peephole, I don't think it's possible to raise the level of creepiness of this blog. So, I'm not even going to try. But, here are a few things I will make an effort to achieve ...

1. In honor my good friend Vinny Bond, I will no longer make fun of that decrepit, crime-filled, blight on the American South's landscape that gives ghettos a bad name city of Memphis that he calls home. (Hey, it's not 2009 yet!)

I'm doing this just for you Vinny. I hope you appreciate it.

Besides, how could I waste so much time and creative energy making fun of Memphis when a city like Detroit exists?

2. I will post on this blog a minimum of six days a week. Even if I just don't feel like it.

3. I will give up tequila completely.

4. Hell I'll even give up Tila Tequila completely.


5. I will make a real and honest effort to make sure that for the first time in the history of this blog, the number one search terms for the year will not be "Giada de Laurentiis boobs/cleavage/nude/naked/whatever."


6. I think I will even try to raise the intellectual level of this blog and try to be taken more seriously by not posting any pics of half-naked babes anymore.



Ohhhhhhhhhh darn! Looks like I had my fingers crossed when I made those resolutions!

Sucks!

Well, I guess I'll just have to come up with some vague resolution about being a better blogger and more decent person or some shit like that. Whatever.

Anyway, hope everyone has a great New Year and I hope that 2009 is the best year EVER!

Just Another Day ...

Okay kids, back to answering some of your questions.

Rockdog wanted to know: "What is a typical day with Jay like?"


5:00 am: Wake up to Christian music on the radio.
5:01 am: Masturbate furiously.
5:02 am: Shit, shower and shave.
5:20 am: Check world financial markets to see how my portfolio is doing.
5:21 am: Check email
5:35 am: Check comments on my blog
5:38 am: Check Twitter.
5:41 am: Check my Facebook page for status updates, friend requests, and to see how many Pieces of Flair I have been sent and how many snowballs have been thrown at me.
5:50 am: Check news and sports headlines on several different sites.
5:55 am: Check email.
5:56 am: Check Twitter.
5:57 am: Check blog comments
5:58 am: Check Facebook again.

6:00 am: Do morning stretching exercises.
6:15 am: Do morning Yoga exercises.
6:30 am: Morning meditation time in which I completely block out the whole world and go to my happy place. Which is a tropical island with just me and my blog crush.
6:59 am: Pee.

7:00 am: Check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook again.
7:05 am: Eat breakfast consisting of granola and organic fruits.
7:15 am: Read the New York Times, The New York Post, The Washington Post, The Washington Times (notice I read both the “liberal” and “conservative” papers). The Los Angeles Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Times, La Prensa, Le Monde, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz, Bangkok Post, The Asahi Shimbun, Moskovskaya Pravda, Correio de Brasil, Sydney Morning Herald and Cape Argus.

8:00 am: check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook. (repeat every 8 minutes from now on throughout the day.)
8:05 am: Begin reading and commenting on blogs.
8:30 am: Pee.
8:31 am: Have a banana for a snack.
8:32 am: Resume reading and commenting on blogs.

9:00 am: Begin answering requests for nude pics from all my fans.
9:00:01 am: Begin signing restraining orders agreeing to stay away from Natalie Portman, Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Beckinsale, Lauren Graham, Diane Lane, Nigella Lawson, Mary Kate Olsen, Jennifer Tilly, Megan Good, Judi Dench, Miley Cyrus and various bloggers.
9:15 am: Call President-Elect Obama and give some of my excellent financial advice.
9:30 am: Do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and then mediate again.
9:58 am: All natural granola bar and 8 ounces of pure bottled water.

10:00 am: Watch The View
10:47 am: Pee

11:00 am: Watch Ellen

12:00 pm: Watch Rachael Ray and eat lunch consisting of an organic salad, salt-free crackers and Lentil soup and more bottled water.

1:00 pm: Watch One Life to Live. Marvel at how hot Adriana is.


1:56 pm: Pee and take afternoon dump.

2:00 pm: Go to the mall to walk
2:30 pm: Krav Maga training.

3:00 pm: Practice Belly Dancing while watching “Shimmy” on Fit TV.
3:30 pm: Watch “Everyday Italian w/ Giada de Laurentiis”


4:00 pm: Watch “Gilmore Girls.”


5:00 pm: Watch “Jeopardy.”
5:28 pm: Pee
5:30 pm: Prepare a healthy dinner consisting of some Tofu and two organic vegetables

6:20 pm: Clean up after dinner.
6:30 pm: Bible study.

7:00 pm: Watch wholesome TV show such as “Little House on the Prairie.”
7:58 pm: Pee

8:00 pm: Watch another wholesome TV show such as “Touched by an Angel.”

9:00 pm: Turn off TV so I don’t get corrupted and go back to reading and commenting on more blogs.

10:00 pm: Write up thoughtful, whitty, family-friendly blog post and post it.

10:30 pm: End of day stretching and yoga exercises.
10:55 pm: Pee and before bed beauty ritual.

11:00 pm: Put on my jammies and after checking email, blog comments, Twitter and Facebook one last time, say my nightly prayers and then crawl into bed and sleep while dreaming beautiful, sweet, wholesome dreams.


Of course on weekends I spend most of my time first reflecting on all the good things that happened the week before, and then on all the blessings that will happen in the week to come. And volunteering at a local children’s shelter, of course.


So basically that’s Jay’s schedule.

Other People's Sensibilities Aren't My Concern ...

So, I found out this week from Charlene that my blog is banned in Little Rock. Well, not the whole city, but it has been banned at the Arkansas Heart Hospital. BTW, that is where Charlene’s dad is currently, so if you get a chance please send some good vibes and positive thoughts his way. I’m sure they would be appreciated.

Anyway, Charlene informed me that she could not access my blog through the hospital’s wireless network because it was blocked for “objectionable content.” No. Fucking. Way!

Actually she says that “several” blogs are blocked for the same reasons. So, I guess that the corporate overlords of the Arkansas Heart Hospital have decided to protect their patients, guests and staff from themselves by making sure that they don’t “happen” upon my blog and be all offended like or something. How thoughtful of them, huh?

I’m actually more honored than anything else. This really is one of the proudest moments in the history of this blog. Getting banned, along with getting hate mail (and some fan mail from time to time too) tells me that people really are noticing me and that makes me feel good.

But you know, it’s entirely possible that some of the patients at that hospital would actually feel better if they read my blog. And it might perk them up a bit to get a chance to see a pic of .... Oh IDK ... maybe .... CARRIE UNDERWOOD IN A BIKINI!!


OW! Baby!

So, where was I? Oh yea, getting banned. Maybe I should sue? I wonder if I could get some airtime on Bill O’Reilly over this? Maybe I could turn this into some really good publicity? This would further my life’s desire to become a pseudo-celebrity and get pictures of me partying with Paris Hilton in Hollywood posted onto the pages of the gossip sites! It could happen!



Anyway, this also leads me to another situation that presented itself earlier this week. Tali, over at Misadventures has created a blog for her son. It’s a pretty cool idea too. It gives him a chance to work on his language and writing skills and all that cool stuff. I mentioned to her that I was reading his blog, but not commenting because I didn’t figure that she would want him to follow me back over to my blog. Tali said that she could block my blog if I was worried about that. That was sweet of her wasn’t it? But, if I wasn’t so damn lazy I could follow Dana’s suggestion and just create a separate blogger account and sign in on that one to comment over there. Cause what’s the fun of having a blog if you aren’t getting any comments, right?



BTW, before all you super sensitive mommy bloggers go bonkers I should let you know that Tali is monitoring her son’s internet usage very closely and he has to log on through one of these net nanny type software programs that blocks all the really bad sites. Unfortunately I haven’t achieved the level of offensiveness to get banned by that software ... yet.



What’s really funny about all this is that I’ve never really been particularly concerned that some kid might wander past my blog and see and read things that he/she shouldn’t. Mostly because I don’t really care. Because I don’t really consider it my job to protect anyone’s kids from my blog. I consider that to be their parent’s job. If parents are just going to let their kids get on a computer and surf the net and aren’t going to be worried or concerned about what they are seeing or reading then I’m not going to be either.

I’m fully aware that there are probably teenage boys (and maybe some girls too) are searching “Giada de Laurentiis Nude” or maybe even for pics of Haden Panettiere in her cowgirl outfit (Aunt Jackie was the first one to recognize "Claire Bennett." Good job Jaxxx! And Malcolm too, cause he recognized her also.) or whatever and are coming across this blog. Well, I got news for ya sport. You’ll have to put the lube down and keep searching cause those naked pics of Giada don’t exist. Okay, actually it’s because there really isn’t anything on this blog that they won’t find on network TV or at least on MTV and E! reality shows. So what the hell. If parents are letting their kids surf the net unsupervised then you know they’re not monitoring what shows those kids watch either.

Now, don’t get me wrong here. If I’m standing on a street corner and you and your kid are there too, and you don’t have a hold of your kid’s hand or have him on a leash or something and he starts to run out into traffic, do I feel obligated to grab him and keep him from getting run over by a bus? Yes. Unless I already have my camera in video mode and ready to go. CNN and Fox News will pay good money for videos like that, ya know. But, I don’t feel obligated to make sure your kid doesn’t read dirty words or see pics of scantily clad babes on this blog.

So, what have we learned today? That I don’t really care about your kids. No wait, that’s not it at all. It’s just that I don’t worry about things like kids finding my blog. I don’t really want to lay out a path to my blog for them, but if they happen to come across it then oh well. And if you don’t want your kids to see certain websites or watch certain television programs then it’s up to you to block those things, not up to me try to keep them away or up to the government or corporations to censor them on your behalf. Besides, this blog isn’t really THAT bad, and isn’t doing THAT much damage to society. No matter what crabby, bitchy, whiny, holier-than-thou emailers and the Arkansas Heart Hospital might think.