A Big Surprise and Miley Cyrus for my Birthday...

So, what started out as a show about Charlie Sheen and Hollywood Train Wrecks turned into something completely different. Sneaky old bastard Matt-Man had planned a surprise on air birthday party (my birthday is the 7^th) for me without me even so much as having a clue. Okay, so I don't have a clue most of the time, but I totally didn't know about this one.

Matt-Man got our intern, Little Jimmy Stewart, The Weirdo King, Dana, Catcherdude's Mom and Mike to all call in! Plus, he arranged for the oh so lovely and talented Desert Rat to call and sing “Happy Birthday” to me!

Isn't she lovely?

Hell, Matt even got MY MOTHER to call in! 

It's a testament to my professionalism and talent as a talk radio host that I was able to keep my composure and continue to co-host the show. And, my strange, reserved personality that often times puts people off and creeps 'em out. Although, I did kind of miss the chat room. I've working on paying better attention there, but didn't do so well this week.

Anyway, it was a great time and thanks to Matt-Man for such a sweet surprise. And to everyone who called and made my day a little brighter. And, of course to Agent Rat for singing. I'll be posting a snippet of her singing here on Monday.

Oh, and I also need to send a great big thank you to Saturday Night Live for their birthday gift to me too. Miley Cyrus is hosting this week's show! AND, she was on Jimmy Fallon last night. This is gearing up to be the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!!!

So, if you like, you can listen to the Charlie Sheen and Hollywood Train Wrecks show that turned into a Surprise Birthday Party Show here. A great time was had by all!

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Joe Effing Biden ...

Before we get to today’s jocularity, Matt-Man’s BBF Schmoop’s mother died on Saturday, which also happened to be Schmoop’s birthday.  So, I wanted to take a moment to express my condolences to Schmoop and let her know that I’m thinking about her today. 

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As you probably know, after the health care reform bill (sorry dems, I know you want us to call it health insurance reform, but I’m sticking with the original name) Vice President Joe Biden was caught on an open mic telling President Obama “This is a big fucking deal!” Of course this resulted in the media's failed attempt to crank up the Fake Outrage Machine™.  Unfortunately, the media doesn't realize that they don't run the Fake Outrage Machine™, it runs them. Anyway, what you might not know is that Biden has had a similar reaction to many other big fucking deals…


After seeing the Baby Jesus:  This is an important fucking baby!

After seeing the Mona Lisa: This is a beautiful fucking painting!

After reading “Common Sense” by Thomas Paine:  He makes some good fucking points!

After Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation:  This is a momentous fucking occasion!

After watching “The Godfather”  That was an epic fucking movie!

After seeing Raquel Welch for the first time:  That’s a sexy fucking woman.

After seeing John Holmes in a porno for the first time:  That dude is fucking HUGE!

After seeing the Taj Mahal:  That’s a beautiful fucking building.

After seeing “Love Story” That was so fucking sad!

After listening to “Stairway to Heaven” That’s an amazing fucking song!

After seeing Giada De Laurentiis:  That’s some awesome fucking cleavage!

After seeing the Great Wall of China: That’s a long fucking wall! 

After Pearl Harbor: This means fucking war!

After seeing George Carlin:  This guy is fucking funny!

After eating a hamburger:  Meat is fucking delicious!

After drinking his first beer:  This was a brilliant fucking invention!

After reading about the Roman Empire: They controlled a lot of fucking territory!

After seeing a Ferrari: That’s a fast fucking car!

After drinking tequila:  Viva la fucking Mexico!

After the British burned the White House in the War of 1812:  Damn! They trashed the fucking place!

After seeing the Sears Tower: That’s a tall fucking building!

After seeing the Grand Canyon: That’s a big fucking hole!

While staring at the ocean: That’s a lot of fucking water!

After seeing Twighlight:  WTH? Vampires don’t fucking sparkle!



And … after reading my blog:  This guy is a real fucking smart ass!

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Also, I want to give a big Happy Birthday shout-out to my wonderful friend KAT!  Happy birthday babe! 

Just A Random Monday ...

First of all I totally forgot to wish Dianne a happy birthday last week. Well, I didn’t totally forget. I did go by her blog and wish her a happy birthday. But, I had intended to do so here too. That part I did forget. Cause I suck.

But, it’s never too late, right?

So Happy Birthday to the hot and sexy Dianne!

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My friend Kim sent me a Google Wave invite last week. At first I would just sign in and stare at it for a few minutes and then, when nothing happened I would just go on and do something else. I really didn’t even know where to begin.

Luckily, after I mentioned on Twitter that I had no idea what the hell to do with Google Wave, Kim got on there and we started working with it a bit. I can see where it would be really useful in a business setting. And it would be cool as a kind of chat room with several people. Or a place where several people can get online and plan an outing or party or whatever. You can upload pics and videos and fun stuff like that too.

But, I also noticed that as the conversation (or are they called waves?) grew, my computer starting getting bogged down a bit. So, I wonder if I’m going to be limited on there since my computer is kind of old and slow and doesn’t have a lot of memory.

Or, it might have been that I had TweetGrid, Facebook, Google Reader and Gmail all open at the same time too. Okay, so that might have had something to do with it.

Also, after we got finished I saw that Wreggie had tried to start a wave with me earlier and I missed it because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And still don’t, btw. So, sorry about that dude.

Anyway, Google Wave seems pretty cool. Anyone out there an expert at it yet?

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I've been having a lot of trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year. But, this pic does help a little...


The only way that pic could be any hotter would be if she was holding a platter of Christmas cookies and fudge.

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So the Fantasy Football Playoffs are underway again. And, once again, without me. As usual I finished one game out of the playoffs. This year I had a particularly fun and exciting way of not making the playoffs.

See, all I need was for my good friend Matt-Man to win his final game. And, given that The Jonas Brothers are in first place, and the fact that I know he would want to help a friend out, I figured this was a done deal. I felt that he would be especially appreciative of what an awesome friend I was while he was lying near death in the hospital. Right? RIGHT??

Ahem. Not so much …


That’s right kids. Matt-Man could do no better than a tie, thus knocking me out of the playoffs. He couldn’t just go out and fucking lose. That would have been too easy. Oh no. Tying would be soooooo much more fun.

Fucker.

1000 Words for Post #1000 ...

Yup, this is my ONE THOUSANDTH post baby. Can you believe that? Me neither. It seems kind of weird actually. Man, if I had a dollar for every post I would have, uh, one thousand dollars. Hey, that would be enough for a nice new laptop. Maybe I should have put up one of those Pay Pal buttons a long time ago and said “Like what you see here? Then donate!”

Is that considered income when people do that? Or is it considered a gift? Somebody look into that for me, will ya. Just cause I’m wondering now and I don’t want to Google it. I’m not going to put a Pay Pal button on my blog. Probably. But, it is tempting just to ask all the people who come by to look at pics of hot babes and never comment to leave a couple of bucks. It’s more than fair. I go to the time and effort looking for just the perfect picture of a smoking hot babe and post it here for you enjoyment. No mine! Yours!! I do it for those horny teenagers lonely men sitting at home alone naked on a beanbag chair surfing the net and watching infomercials late at night. They need a little pick me up every once in awhile. But, still paying a buck for it isn’t unfair.

Okay, I don’t really know where I was going with that. Other than it would be nice to have one dollar for every page view this blog has gotten. But obviously, the chances of that happening are about the same as me having sex with some young crazy hot babe. Like this chick…


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Okay, so I did know this 1000th post was coming up, but I kind of lost count. A couple of weeks ago I thought that I should do something big. But, I couldn’t think of anything that would be all that great. Other than maybe a little full frontal nudity. But, I didn’t want to scare everyone off. I also thought about a contest, but that would be too much effort.

So, I decided to get drunk and blog use post #1000 for a few toasts to be sent out to some folks today…


Toast #1 goes out to my good friend Mr. Vinny Bond.

As most of you know, Vinny will be getting married this Saturday. I feel bad that I won’t be able to be there, but I will be there in spirit Vinny. I’ll raise my glass to you and Nancy and wish you guys all the best.

And then I’ll make some smart-ass crack about how Nancy had plenty of opportunity to run away and didn’t take advantage of it. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of old sentimental fool, ya know. ;-)

What the hell. I’ll dedicate this first shot of bourbon to Vinny and Nance. Then another drink to them on Saturday. Here’s to Vinny and Nancy!


The next toast goes out to Lisa from “A Clear View to a New Life.” Today (Wed) is Lisa’s birthday! Even though Lisa doesn’t blog too much anymore. I still wanted to wish her a happy happy birthday. So, this shot of tequila is for you Lisa.


Oh and another Happy Birthday toast goes out to Laura over at “Living Laura.” Her birthday was, uh, last Wednesday. Oops. Sorry about that babe. Anyway, I raise this next shot of bourbon to Lisa. Happy birthday babe!


The next toast goes out to the ladies who make up the bulk of the hits to this blog. We’re talking about…

Giada de Laurentiis:


&

Rachael Ray:


It still boggles the mind how many hits I get every single day for “Giada de Laurentiis Boobs” or some variation of that, and “Rachael Ray Bikini” or some variation of that. Obviously there are a lot of sex crazed teenage boys lonely men who watch a lot of Food Network and get bored at school work and decide to search for pics of their favorites chefs/cooks.

So, this shot of tequila goes out to Giada de Laurentiis.
And this shot of bourbon goes out to Rachael Ray.


Next, I raise my glass to all the haters. The people who have left rude comments attacking me or have sent emails telling me how immoral I am, or how disgusted you are with me, or how much I obviously hate America because I don’t agree with you on every single issue. Fuck all you Gawd Damn worthless fucks. (Hey, I’ve already had 6 total shots of liquor, you can’t expect me to be diplomatic, can you?) Anyway, I drink yet another shot of tequila for those people.

Oh and just to piss off the people who email me about my immorality and shit whenever I express my support for same sex marriage here:

The next toast goes out to my Man Crush. Even though he has gotten married and had a kid and stopped smoking and seems to be softening up just a bit, this shot of bourbon goes out to Anthony Bourdain:



And this next toast is for all of my blog crushes that I’ve developed over the last 3 ½ years. These are the women of the blogosphere who are brilliant, talented, funny, thoughtful, inspiring and who I want to have sex with until my penis sends me a Cease and Desist Order. For you ladies, I raise yet another glass of tequila. What the hell, I also raise another glass of bourbon. You’re worth it.


Finally, this toast goes out to EVERYONE in the bloggerhood. It never ceases to amaze me how awesome you guys all are. My experiences and the connections I’ve made here have been beyond my wildest expectations. You guys all rock!

So on my 1000th post, I say Here’s to the Bloggerhood!

Damn I’m drunk!

Paradise Just Got Better ...

Okay, so I’ve mentioned before here that I think that Mexico would actually be a pretty awesome place to live. Great beaches, hot babes and lots and lots of cheap tequila. I can’t really think of anything else anyone could want out of life. I don’t know if you can get cable TV down there, but if you can that would make it even better. But, I don’t think that lack of access to cable TV would be a deal breaker. Well, not anymore at least.

My friends, it seems that Mexico has found a way to make paradise just a little bit better. They’ve decriminalized small amounts of drugs for personal use. You can have up to five rolled joints and enough cocaine for four lines. Holy Jesus I didn’t think they could make life any better down there! Now, apparently you can spend the afternoon at the beach drinking Dos Equis and then spend the night doing lines on a hooker’s ass while slamming tequila shots and not be breaking any laws!

I used to think that the best part of living in Mexico would be the fact that when the world economy collapsed completely, you wouldn’t notice any real difference in the way people lived down there. But now, that’s number two on the list.

To hell with Amsterdam. Right after I buy the Rosetta Stone “Learn to Speak Spanish” thing, I’m going to Mexico for all my fun and games.


Of course, it does look like I’m going to have to win the lottery or get some big inheritance from a long lost relative though. It won’t have to be all that big, cause it’s not really expensive to live there. But, it seems that Mexico, a country that actively encourages it’s citizens to up and move, either legally or illegally, to the US, isn’t that big of a fan of Americans who just up and move to their country and work there. That’s kinda rude if you ask me. So, the lottery or an inheritance is necessary so I can buy my way into the country just claim to be a “writer” and won’t have to work to live in paradise.

--

Okay, now a couple of birthday shout-outs..

First to the Mickster! Micky-T’s birthday was Saturday. Or was it Friday? I don’t know for sure, but it was this last weekend! I’m sure Micky celebrated by taking a hammer, chisel and flathead screwdriver and building a replica of Stonehenge or something. Anyway, happy birthday Micky!


Aaaaaaaaaaaand lets not forget the quirky and sexy Ms Undecided. She spent her birthday just being freaking awesome. Happy birthday Ms. Undecided!

Fear of Four ...

Hey check this out kids! My friend Kay has a book of short stories coming out on October 7th called Links. Here’s the description from HER OFFICIAL WEBSITE:

Links is a short story collection exploring the complex nature of human relationships, and how we all strive, often in vain, to connect with others.

Cool huh? You can also check out her blog Right Here.

But wait! That’s not all! Kay was also on TV to talk about her book! And she was freaking awesome too! She posted the video of her appearance on Good Day Sacramento on here blog. You can see that RIGHT HERE!

Congrats on the book Kay!

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Gotta send out a happy birthday to my favorite Iowan living in Scotland. Happy birthday Peggy!

And, yesterday was the super hot and awesome Girl’s birthday too. She says that she is 36, but she has the body of a 21 year old. Happy birthday to The Girl!

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Brought to us by the amazing and alluring Tink of Pickled Beef. This week’s words are “Four” and “Fear.”

Four 4’s…


Individual Mexican Cornbread cut into Four pieces…


The B-52 has eight engines. Four on each wing…



Lots of people have a Fear of flying…


And a Fear of horses…


And a Fear of dying…


And a Fear of drowning…


And finally, one of the greatest books of all time: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas…

Lots of Kaka ...

And the birthday’s just keep on coming! Here’s a couple I missed over the weekend.

Friday was Fiwa’s birthday and Saturday was Cheryl’s birthday. So happy birthday to both Fiwa and Cheryl!

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I've been following the events in Iran pretty closely. I have been reading several websites and using a tweetgrid that someone on Fark.com set up to follow different news agencies and people trying to get news out. It's all pretty amazing. And I gotta tell ya. I'm kind of inspired here.

In fact, I'm so inspired by the Iranians struggle for free and fair elections and the right to protest their government that I'm thinking of showing some solidarity. I think I'll go down to the local courthouse and pay a fair and minimal fee for permit that will allow me to go to the governement designated spot at the government designated time and get my free speech on in favor of the Iranian people. Of course I will be sure not to hold up any signs that the local authorities might consider offensive though.

Cause you know they're not free like us. They don't get to just up and say what they think. They have to get the okay from their government to protest and shit.

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After shocking the soccer world earlier this week by beating world #1 Spain, team USA took Brazil to the brink today in the Confederation Cup in South Africa. US had a 2 - 0 lead at the half, but Brazil was wayyyyyyyyyy too much for us in the second half and came back for the win.

I don't agree with some who said that a USA win would suddenly make soccer relevant in the US, but it would have at least made team USA relevant in international competition.

And, I have to say that South Africa is going to have to ban that fucking horn they love to blow throughout the matches before the World Cup next year.


It's a cheap little plastic horn that makes it sound like there is a massive swarm of killer bees heading our way. And not the funny killer bees like John Belushi or Elliot Gould either. I'm talking about the real killer bees that make this really scary and annoying BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT sound when they're coming at you!


After having to listen to that damn thing all day, I'm suddenly thinking that maybe those fucking thunder sticks that they used to hand out at NBA games weren't so bad. Okay, they were, but still, that horn has got to go!

Also, I got to entertain myself listening to the God-awful announcers talk about Brazil's Ricky Kaka a lot. While it wasn't quite as good as golf sexy talk last week, it was still pretty entertaining for my very juvenile sense of humor:

- "The Great Kaka"
- "He had a hold of Kaka"
- "A big handful of Kaka there"
- "The brilliant Kaka"
- "The very fast Kaka"
- "Very smooth Kaka"
- "A frustrated Kaka"
- "Kaka is blocked"
- "Kaka went down easily"

I guess it's at this point of the post that you are expecting me to post some pic of a hot babe that could in some way be associated with this post. Like maybe a super hot Brazilian beauty? Well, sometimes it's only fair to give the ladies a little eye candy too.

So ladies, I give you ... Wet Kaka:

Got Wood?

First, the birthdays just keep coming!

Happy Birthday to Carmen! Don’t forget to wish her a happy birthday today.

And, it’s Annie birthday! Annie is the co-host of Annie and Burl Live! Which can be heard every Wednesday and Saturday nights at 10 PM Eastern time on Blog Talk Radio. There is a button on the right sidebar that will take you to their page. Happy Birthday Annielicious!


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Brought to us by the sweet and sexy Tink of Pickled Beef. This weeks words are “C” and “Wood.” Obviously Tink decided to test my maturity level with “wood.”


A Wooden Cross…


Some Wood outside a lumber yard…



The b&w version…


A Wood storage unit…


And a Cat hiding out on a Wooden birdhouse in a tree…




And who is the Cat hiding from? Cosette, of course…

Golf Is So Sexy ...

First a couple of general announcements ….

- I am guest posting over at You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto. IKNOW! Hannah AKA NeBaby is trusting me to post over on her blog. Cute kid, baaaaaaaaad judge of character. Seriously though, I have no intentions of spoiling her very nice and pretty much g-rated blog with my usual anti-social, foul-mouthed ugliness. I try to keep that stuff over here on my blog. And Twitter, of course.

Speaking of Twitter. I was let out of Twitter Jail on Friday with apologies from the Twitter Overlords. So, everything is fine on that front. Just goes to show that persistent but polite dialog can, in fact produce acceptable results.

More freaking birthdays!

- Saturday was Wreggie’s birthday. Go wish him a happy birthday.

- Sunday is Jenn's Birthday. So go wish her a happy birthday.

- Monday is Aunt Jack-EEEEEE’s birthday. Go wish her a happy birthday too.


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So I was watching the US Open golf tournament this weekend because it was 937 degrees and 1,598% humidity here and I didn’t want to get out much. I never really noticed how sexy the game of golf is.

No, not THIS kind of sexy…


Although golf clearly needs more Maria Verchenova types.

But, I’m talking about all the sexy talk that goes on during a golf tournament like …

“This hole is really tight.”
“Nice and tight.”
“This hole is really wet.”
“Smooth stroke.”
“Firm stroke.”
“Light stroke.”
“Fast stroke.”
“Slow stroke.”
“Really hard strokes”
“Can’t get it up.”
“He rams it in the hole.”
“He’s going right for the hole.”
“He can’t find the hole.”
“All around the hole, but not in it.”
“He needs to get off this hole.”
“His body is so supple.”
“He’s a smooth swinger.”
“He’s a free swinger.”
“He has great hip movement.”
“He really creamed it.”
“He’s got about 6 inches”
“He’s got close to 10 inches!!!!”
“He’s got his wood out.”
“He’s been going up and down.”

And there’s lots of talk about “balls” too. Big balls, good balls, bad balls, nice balls etc.
And some talk about “hooking” and Johnny Miller even said “A little hooker here.”

Also, lots of players shot “69.”

Aaaaaaaand of course this being golf and considering their target audience, there were a TON of Cialis and Viagra ads.

Maybe the Parent Teacher Council should give up on getting prime-time TV shows off the air and do something about this really dirty, offensive game of golf!




In other news, OMG y’all! I’ve been seeing ads all weekend for the Hall of Fame game on Aug 2nd. You know what that means, right? It’s just about time to start getting your shit together and prepare for the Fantasy Football draft!

Lots of off season moves have been made. Players have had surgery, gotten a year older or may see their time diminished because of new acquisitions or new coaches with new philosophies. So, you better get busy!

WWC and Songs ...

I swear I'm going to deactivate my Facebook account just so I won't know when it's somebody's birthday. I keep saying I'm not going to get into the habit of this, but I'm still doing it. Besides, if I skip this dude’s birthday it will really hurt his feelings. He’s a very sensitive guy.

So, Happy Birthday to Vinny from Big Leather Couch!!! Everyone go wish the Vinnmeister a happy birthday. He’s a pretty cool guy.

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Brought to us by the lovely and talented Tink of Pickled Beef. This weeks words are A and Your Favorite Song.


I found it really impossible to come up with anything for “favorite song” but I did come up with some pics for songs I really like. Some of the pics work for both A and Favorite Song. And as always you can clickr for biggr in Flickr.

A …


Airport and "I’ll Fly Away" (Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch)


Air conditioners and "Summertime" (Billie Holliday)…


Audio System and "Radio Nowhere" (Bruce Springsteen)…


And a couple of recycled pics that I’ve used before:

“Bridge Over Troubled Water” Simon and Garfunkel…


"Girls Girls Girls" Motley Crue
"I Touch Myself" Divinyls
"Shook Me All Night Long" AC/DC

I never really intended to get into the habit of constantly wishing people happy birthdays, but I've been on a roll with them lately and didn't want to just stop and have it look like like I'm snubbing or don't love some people.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Karen! (Link opens in a new tab/window) Go wish her a happy birthday everybody.

And then ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Kathy! (Link opens in a new tab/window) Go wish her a happy birthday too!



(click for a link to see everyone who plays regularly)

Brought to us by the sweet and thoughtful Tink of Pickled Beef. This week's words are Lean and 3.

(Clickr for Biggr in Flickr)

Comfort 3...


Thirty-three percent free!...


Spot number one-three...


Push 3 to fast-forward...


This basketball goal has a bit of a lean to it...


Two signs leaning...


Lean your bike against the kickstand...


Pork is very lean....

First of all let’s all go over to Knight’s place and wish her a Happy Birthday! If you don’t know Knight, then you life sucks. She is smart, charming, gorgeous and ridiculously talented. She doesn’t blog as much as I wish she would, but I have all those photos that I taped to the shrine I built in her honor to keep me happy between blog posts.

Okay, so technically I’m late with this because Knight’s birthday was on Tuesday. But, here’s the deal. See, I thought her birthday was on Wednesday. So, that means that by posting this on Wednesday night, even though it’s my Thursday post, I’m still technically no … uh … yeah, I’m late with this. I could have posted this Tuesday night, but I was too lazy.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Knight!!!

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Check out this monster I found wandering down the side of the wall today!


Yeah, I posted the pic on both Twitter and Facebook today. So shoot me. But I didn’t tell you about the epic struggle to kill him.

So I was sitting there doing something important when I heard a voice say “You gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?” This kind of freaked me out cause I was the only one in the room. I looked all around the room and couldn’t find anyone so I went back to doing whatever important thing it was that I was doing *coughTwitteringcough* when I heard the same voice again.

“And that Diet Sierra Mist would really help wash it down.”

This time I instinctively looked to the right, where the voice came from and there that big bad-ass spider was. He was looking at my sandwich the way the way I look at the Gossip Girls…


Except that underage one. I’m not even noticing her at all. The one in the middle. I think. Cause I didn’t look.


Anywhoo, I jumped up and said “No way Mr. Spider! You aren’t getting any of my sandwich or Diet Sierra Mist.”

Mr. Spider then said “Oh come on! Just share with me and I’ll be on my way and promise not to haunt your dreams.”

To which I replied “NEVER! We shall fight to the death! Besides, it’s too late. You’ll already haunt my dreams anyway.”

Then, using my cat-like super ninja skills I sprang to my feet and grabbed the sports section from today’s newspaper, rolled it up and took a mighty swing at him.

Unfortunately the spider took the newspaper away from me and said “That’s not very nice!”

Then he chased me into the other room. Luckily had my 12 gage shotgun ready to go and blasted away. This really pissed him off. So there was only one option left. I took some of the leftover C4 that I have in a drawer and set a booby trap for him. And, because spiders have brains about the size of sand pebble, he walked right into it.

Unfortunately there isn’t a roof on my building anymore. And it’s supposed to rain tonight, which is really gonna suck. But, at least I can sleep peacefully knowing that I blew that spider’s legs all in different directions and his little testicles probably few all the way to Missouri.

And that’s all that matters.