Golf Trick Shots and Beer Babes ...

So, I thought I would follow up yesterday’s crazy golf stuff post by telling you about two great moments.

The first one was a really cool trick shot I hit once.  I was playing in a high school tournament in Mt. Home and had hit my second shot on a par five hole to the left of the green and it stopped on a dirt cart path near a wall.  When I got up to the ball I found that I couldn’t get a good stance that allowed me to hit the ball towards the hole.  It looked like my only option would be to hit it onto the front of the green, but that would be a long ways from the hole.

I considered hitting left handed, but I was afraid that I would hit it way too hard that way.  Even if I used my putter.  But then I had an idea.  A brilliant idea!  I decided that I would bank the ball off the wall and down on the green.  I figured I didn’t have much to lose so I lined it up as best I could and hit it. 

The ball bounced off the wall, ran down the slope and onto the green.  Then it rolled across the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.  So then I tapped it in for my birdie and went on.

After the round I saw one of the Mt. Home guys arguing with his coach.  He was insisting that my trick shot was illegal, but his coach wasn’t listening.  That freaking little crybaby stomped off and then tried to convince the coach of another team.  He failed again.  I couldn’t believe that guy was trying so hard to ruin my great moment like that.  What an a-hole.

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Also, Jesta, who you may remember as Mrs_JCC from my Cinco de Mayo post asked an interesting question yesterday …

Did golfing bring any trashy waitresses to your life? I'd be interested in reading about that!

Well, funny you should ask.  When we played in the state championships at the Arlington Golf Course in Hot Springs, we got to go down a day early and play a practice round.  Coach Hart wasn’t really a golf coach.  He was the strength and conditioning coach for the football team.  But, he did play and he was out there with us. 

Somewhere on the back nine this young (college aged) girl wearing short shorts and a low cut top came rolling up to us in a golf cart.  She stopped and said “Anyone want a beer?”

Well all four of us guys all said “YES!” at the very same moment that coach said “NO!”  We all laughed and told coach he could have one, we wouldn’t tell.  The girl then said “I won’t tell either.”  Again he refused and she told us she had soft drinks and candy bars so coach bought us all something to drink and eat. 

What a beer girl might look like..


The girl put on a nice show for us too.  She bent over and pulled each candy bar out of the cooler individually and handed them to us.  Then she did the same thing for the soft drinks.  Our eyes never left her ass.  Well, until she stood up and then our eyes never left her cleavage.  Hell, I don’t even remember what color her eyes or hair were.

But, the kicker came just after coach paid her for all our stuff when she told him “By the way, I dance at the Centerfold Lounge nights.  You should come by and see me.”

Here’s the sign for Centerfold Lounge in Springfield, MO.  I’m sure the one in Hot Springs is pretty similar..


Needless to say our day was shot.  None of could play golf anymore cause we were so busy laughing and needling coach Hart over his stripper girlfriend.  He was red faced the whole rest of the day.  But, he didn’t go to the club that night.  He was mostly afraid of what we would get into if he left us alone.  Probably a good fear to have.

Also, there were no beer girls working the day of the state tournament.  Total bummer.

Fun Times On The Golf Course ....

So, yesterday Mike had a pretty funny story about a friend of his having a tough day on the golf course.  I told him that he inspired me to tell a few of my golfing stories.  So, I will.

As I have mentioned here a few times I used to play a lot of golf.  And, I was actually pretty decent, if I do say so myself.  Not “go pro” good, but still an above average player who hit the ball really well and could play a lot of different shots.  But, sometimes weird things happen in golf.  So, I thought I would tell you about some of those weird things today.

- At the State Amateur there was a hole that was about 430 yards that ran along a road.  The fence was out of bounds.  I hit my drive onto the road. It bounced and kicked and skipped along until it hit a rock and shot back towards the fence.  When we got down there to the ball it was about 6 inches inside the fence in play only about 20 yards from the green.  I promptly dumped my chip shot into the sand trap and make double-bogey six anyway.

- In high school a friend of mine, we’ll call him “Ricky” cause that was his name, got a brand new Trans Am for graduation.  He parked in his usual spot and we played golf.  The ninth hole was a par three that brought us back to the club house.  Ricky pulled his tee shot hard to the left and it was sailing right at his new car.  He began screaming “NOOOOO!”  The ball landed a few feet in front of bounced right onto the hood of his car and skipped over roof.  Minimal damage which was good cause the rest of us were laughing so hard we were crying.

- A guy we’ll call “Fred” was teeing off from the first hole.  After talking big about how he was going to beat everybody and take their money he hit his drive off the heel of the club.  It shot straight left and hit the back of the ramp that went to the ladies room.  The ball bounced off the ramp and right back at Fred who had to dive for cover. 

- I was playing in a golf tournament in Charthage, MO and there was a pretty good crowd around the first tee watching everyone tee off.  After going through my usual pre-shot routine I unloaded on a drive.  It sounded like a cannon going off.  But, there was an immediate “thwack” sound. 

The ball had hit a limb hanging from a tree just to the right and in front of the tee box. The ball shot straight up in the air and then hit the (or a) limb again on the way down and bounced back onto the front of the tee box about 20 feet in front of me. 

I heard several gasps in the crowd and one “Well, I’ve never seen that happen before.”

- When playing a high school tournament in Mt. Home, AR once, one of the holes had an elevated tee that you had to climb stairs to get to.  Someone noticed a snake near the tee and went over and killed it.  After we teed off, he went back and picked up the snake and laid it across the tee for the next group to find. 

When we got to the green we looked back and saw four guys standing on the stairs of that tee box throwing tees and golf balls at the snake to see if it was still alive.

- Once while playing (badly) in Rogers, AR I hit a drive that sliced over towards one of the houses across the road that ran along the course.  Everyone cringed and waited for the sound of glass breaking.  Apparently the ball hit the side of the house or something in the garage because it made a really loud bang.  Then the ball came bounding back down the driveway towards the road.  I thought it might make its way all the way back on the course.

But, just as the ball got to the road, the family’s dog, a basset hound, came sprinting out of the garage chasing after the ball.  The dog picked up the ball in his mouth, turned around and ran back into the garage with it.  Never to be seen again.

- Another friend “SJ” hit a ball into someone’s yard once.  The homeowner was outside weed eating along the fence.  SJ said “Excuse me, I think I hit my ball into your yard.” The man stopped the weed eater, looked over his fence and said “Yup, it’s there.”  He then started his weed eater back up and went back to his yard work without saying another word.  So, we just moved along.


Okay, I’ll end there so this doesn’t get too long.  But, I will say that yesterday morning I saw this headline online:

“Tiger’s swing coach resigns.”

Yeah, a “swing coach” for someone with anywhere from 13 to 121 mistresses.  I admit it. My inner 13 year old laughed at that headline.  A lot.

Golf Is So Sexy ...

First a couple of general announcements ….

- I am guest posting over at You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto. IKNOW! Hannah AKA NeBaby is trusting me to post over on her blog. Cute kid, baaaaaaaaad judge of character. Seriously though, I have no intentions of spoiling her very nice and pretty much g-rated blog with my usual anti-social, foul-mouthed ugliness. I try to keep that stuff over here on my blog. And Twitter, of course.

Speaking of Twitter. I was let out of Twitter Jail on Friday with apologies from the Twitter Overlords. So, everything is fine on that front. Just goes to show that persistent but polite dialog can, in fact produce acceptable results.

More freaking birthdays!

- Saturday was Wreggie’s birthday. Go wish him a happy birthday.

- Sunday is Jenn's Birthday. So go wish her a happy birthday.

- Monday is Aunt Jack-EEEEEE’s birthday. Go wish her a happy birthday too.


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So I was watching the US Open golf tournament this weekend because it was 937 degrees and 1,598% humidity here and I didn’t want to get out much. I never really noticed how sexy the game of golf is.

No, not THIS kind of sexy…


Although golf clearly needs more Maria Verchenova types.

But, I’m talking about all the sexy talk that goes on during a golf tournament like …

“This hole is really tight.”
“Nice and tight.”
“This hole is really wet.”
“Smooth stroke.”
“Firm stroke.”
“Light stroke.”
“Fast stroke.”
“Slow stroke.”
“Really hard strokes”
“Can’t get it up.”
“He rams it in the hole.”
“He’s going right for the hole.”
“He can’t find the hole.”
“All around the hole, but not in it.”
“He needs to get off this hole.”
“His body is so supple.”
“He’s a smooth swinger.”
“He’s a free swinger.”
“He has great hip movement.”
“He really creamed it.”
“He’s got about 6 inches”
“He’s got close to 10 inches!!!!”
“He’s got his wood out.”
“He’s been going up and down.”

And there’s lots of talk about “balls” too. Big balls, good balls, bad balls, nice balls etc.
And some talk about “hooking” and Johnny Miller even said “A little hooker here.”

Also, lots of players shot “69.”

Aaaaaaaand of course this being golf and considering their target audience, there were a TON of Cialis and Viagra ads.

Maybe the Parent Teacher Council should give up on getting prime-time TV shows off the air and do something about this really dirty, offensive game of golf!




In other news, OMG y’all! I’ve been seeing ads all weekend for the Hall of Fame game on Aug 2nd. You know what that means, right? It’s just about time to start getting your shit together and prepare for the Fantasy Football draft!

Lots of off season moves have been made. Players have had surgery, gotten a year older or may see their time diminished because of new acquisitions or new coaches with new philosophies. So, you better get busy!