Strip Club Rules ...

Another one from the mailbag:

Yo, Viking Dude, first of all I just wanted to let you know that you’re my fucking hero.  I’m serious.  I fucking love your blog and think you are the coolest cat around. 

Here’s my situation.  I think I’ve finally worked up the courage to go to a strip club this weekend.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Thanks,
G-Dawg


G-Dawg,

Thanks for the kind words.  That was very nice of you to say.  It’s nice to get positive feedback every once in a while.  I mean sure all those sexy pics and love letters that women email to me are awesome, but sometimes having a stranger take the time to tell me how awesome I am is really nice too.

So, as for your question you’ve come to the right place dude.  Here is the information you need.

- First I recommend that you go during the day until you learn the ropes.  Things are usually more laid back during the day, the crowds are smaller (and less scary) and you can settle in better.

- BE NICE TO THE GIRLS.  I can’t stress this enough.  For the most part the girls are friendly and nice and they take a lot of shit from douche bags.  Don’t be one of them.

- TIP!  Go up to the stage, stand where you’re supposed to stand (learn from watching other people) and tip the girl.  And then .. SAY THANK YOU to the girl. 

- Don’t drink too much.  People say and do stupid things when they’re drunk.  By not drinking too much you won’t risk doing something that will get you physically removed from the club.

- Don’t start going to the club every single day.  That’s pathetic.  At least don’t go to the SAME club everyday.  Go to different places.  You don’t want the girls to look up and say “OMG, him AGAIN??”

- Fee free to ask the girls what the “rules” are.  They’ll probably ask you if you’ve been there before and then tell you the rules when you say “no” but if they don’t just ask.  They’ll appreciate your consideration.

- Don’t get all grabby.  Let her do her thing when getting a lap dance.  Also, keep your fucking tongue to yourself you sick fuck.  And don’t try to kiss her either.  The dancer sets the rules and you just follow her lead.

- Do not. I mean DO NOT bitch about the prices to the girls.  Anytime you complain about the price of a lap dance you are basically telling the girl she isn’t worth it.  That’s rude.  Besides, complaining about the prices also tells the girls that you’re a cheap bastard.

- TIP!  This one bears repeating. The girls are working hard. They’re trying to make sure you have a great experience and their time is worth paying for.  

- Maker her laugh.  Dancers put up with the absolute worst of society. Every single kind of asshole and rude, arrogant fuck come into their clubs every single day.  Instead of being one of those guys, be the one who made her laugh and feel good.  Compliment her and be casual and comfortable around her and just be a gentleman in general.

Okay, so the last two thing you are probably wanting to ask, or maybe the ONLY things are whether or not it’s okay to ask for “extras” in the VIP room or even ask her on a date.  Well, that’s a tough one.

Let’s just say “NO” to asking for extras.  If you happen to find a girl who does that, she will find a way to let you know that it’s available. 

Anyway, as for asking her out, after you’ve kind of gotten to know her a bit and have been to the club and are comfortable with her and have been VERY nice to her and generous then it is probably okay to ask her if she would like to get lunch or maybe some coffee sometime.  Don’t ask her if she wants to go home with you or go someplace like a bar or something.  If (uh well, WHEN actually) she says no, just tell her you understand and then continue to be nice to her. Don’t go all psycho stalker.  That’s basically why most dancers are so guarded. 

And one more time …. TIP THE DANCERS … This is their job. They’re there to make a living and pay their bills.  You are the customer and you are getting something from them of value (there time and the chance to see their boobies up close).  Expect to pay for it and be willing to do so.


And just for the hell of it, what Natalie Portman would look like as a stripper:

My Soon To Be BFF...

So Friday was liquor store day.  As you know, I live in a dry county so that means I have to make a run to Missouri to go to the liquor store.  That means about 50 mins to an hour total round trip.  Not really all that bad, but not as great as just running to the corner and back.   Of course, I could go to Quicker Liquors over in Carroll County or to the stores in Marion County, which are closer.  But, they are much more expensive too.  And the people who work in one of those stores seem like the type who might have been burying customers under the back porch for years.

So, I to Missouri.  This means deciding between Rapid Roberts and Wild Bill’s Travel Center.  Wild Bills usually has better prices, but Rapid Roberts is MUCH cleaner and has a better selection.  There is a really cute woman who works at Wild Bill’s, but I don’t know what hours she works, so I would hate to go there and her not be there.  So, I decided on Rapid Roberts. 

And it worked out better than I could have dreamed.  First, they had the 5 liter Franzia box wine for only 10 bucks!  That’s a bargain as it’s usually over $13 around these parts.  Second, there was a ridiculously good looking woman there.  I mean, crazy fucking hot.  Blond hair, sizzling blue eyes, perfect hand-sized firm boobs, an amazing ass and long, long legs.

Coincidentally I got in line at the register behind her.  I found waiting in line behind her for a few minutes while she bought two bottles of Boone’s Farm, a carton of Camel Lights and some lottery tickets to be an enjoyable experience.  She was making small talk and made a point to turn around and include me in her conversation with the clerk.  That was very nice of her to do as a girl as hot as her is under no obligation to talk to ANYONE, let alone someone like me. 

So, after she left another clerk came over and he and the one working my register both agreed that her coming in every Friday was more than enough reason to never change their schedules.  Then the woman who worked there also came over, but she seemed more sad about that girl buying that booze every Friday. 

Personally I was wondering why they didn’t card her.   I mean, her ass looked about 19 to me.  But, these are professionals, so I assumed they knew what they were doing and better at judging ages than me. 

Anyway, according the older woman who works there, this girl lives right here in Redneckville.  When I heard her mention that, my penis I became much more interested in this conversation.  Then, things really got erect eyebrow raising.  The lady said that little miss perfect ass comes through every single Friday and buys the same thing while on her way to Springfield, MO where she stays in a motel room and …



Wait for it ….



Works at one of the strip clubs on Friday and Saturday night!



Suddenly I was reminded of the scene in “Treme” where Davis discovered that there was a stripper living in his neighborhood and he ran into his house and wrote a song about it. 

Then I stared wondering if this chick is on Twitter.  Maybe @RedneckStripper? Or @MissPerfectAss?  I don’t know, but I think we need to follow each other on Twitter and be BEST FRIENDS! 

Or maybe she has a blog.  “Confessions of a Weekend Stripper?” “Stripping in Redneckville?” 

Oh sure, I could just go to Springfield, MO and hit each of the clubs and try to find her.  But, that would actually be kinda creepy.  I would prefer her to find me on the net and follow me on Twitter.  Mostly because I’m much cooler on the internet than I am in real life.

So anyway, that was the big thing that happened to me this weekend.  I found out there is actually a stripper living right here in Redneckville who drives up to Springfield, MO every weekend to work.  And I’m pretty sure that she and I are going to be BFFs very soon.   

Golf Trick Shots and Beer Babes ...

So, I thought I would follow up yesterday’s crazy golf stuff post by telling you about two great moments.

The first one was a really cool trick shot I hit once.  I was playing in a high school tournament in Mt. Home and had hit my second shot on a par five hole to the left of the green and it stopped on a dirt cart path near a wall.  When I got up to the ball I found that I couldn’t get a good stance that allowed me to hit the ball towards the hole.  It looked like my only option would be to hit it onto the front of the green, but that would be a long ways from the hole.

I considered hitting left handed, but I was afraid that I would hit it way too hard that way.  Even if I used my putter.  But then I had an idea.  A brilliant idea!  I decided that I would bank the ball off the wall and down on the green.  I figured I didn’t have much to lose so I lined it up as best I could and hit it. 

The ball bounced off the wall, ran down the slope and onto the green.  Then it rolled across the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.  So then I tapped it in for my birdie and went on.

After the round I saw one of the Mt. Home guys arguing with his coach.  He was insisting that my trick shot was illegal, but his coach wasn’t listening.  That freaking little crybaby stomped off and then tried to convince the coach of another team.  He failed again.  I couldn’t believe that guy was trying so hard to ruin my great moment like that.  What an a-hole.

--

Also, Jesta, who you may remember as Mrs_JCC from my Cinco de Mayo post asked an interesting question yesterday …

Did golfing bring any trashy waitresses to your life? I'd be interested in reading about that!

Well, funny you should ask.  When we played in the state championships at the Arlington Golf Course in Hot Springs, we got to go down a day early and play a practice round.  Coach Hart wasn’t really a golf coach.  He was the strength and conditioning coach for the football team.  But, he did play and he was out there with us. 

Somewhere on the back nine this young (college aged) girl wearing short shorts and a low cut top came rolling up to us in a golf cart.  She stopped and said “Anyone want a beer?”

Well all four of us guys all said “YES!” at the very same moment that coach said “NO!”  We all laughed and told coach he could have one, we wouldn’t tell.  The girl then said “I won’t tell either.”  Again he refused and she told us she had soft drinks and candy bars so coach bought us all something to drink and eat. 

What a beer girl might look like..


The girl put on a nice show for us too.  She bent over and pulled each candy bar out of the cooler individually and handed them to us.  Then she did the same thing for the soft drinks.  Our eyes never left her ass.  Well, until she stood up and then our eyes never left her cleavage.  Hell, I don’t even remember what color her eyes or hair were.

But, the kicker came just after coach paid her for all our stuff when she told him “By the way, I dance at the Centerfold Lounge nights.  You should come by and see me.”

Here’s the sign for Centerfold Lounge in Springfield, MO.  I’m sure the one in Hot Springs is pretty similar..


Needless to say our day was shot.  None of could play golf anymore cause we were so busy laughing and needling coach Hart over his stripper girlfriend.  He was red faced the whole rest of the day.  But, he didn’t go to the club that night.  He was mostly afraid of what we would get into if he left us alone.  Probably a good fear to have.

Also, there were no beer girls working the day of the state tournament.  Total bummer.

Women Must Be Kept In Line ...

So much has been made this week of the RNC's big party held at "Voyeur" in Los Angeles and the $2,000 that was charged to the republican party's donors.  Now, I'm not going to criticize them for going to a lesbian bondage strip club, cause I totally approve of this type of activity.  Well, I approve of lesbians and strip clubs.  Not so sure about the bondage part.  But, we all know that republicans are kinky, so whatever you like folks.

What I do find interesting is that the RNC quickly found their scapegoat and fired her.  Yes, of course it was a woman that they found to fire.  But, the most interesting thing to me was that it was actually a GOP donor who picked up the tab.  Not the RNC staffer.

So, the staffer organized the field trip to the lesbian bondage strip club, but it was paid for by a GOP donor.  The donor then turned in the receipts asking for reimbursement.  So, why fire the staffer?  She isn't the one who requested RNC funds pay for the trip.  And she isn't the one who approved it?  This is typical of how Washington works.  Find someone to blame who actually has no authority or power over anything, and fire that person (usually a "her") and then pretend that everything is just fine.  And, the media generally goes along with that.

A lot of people have had a lot to say about the club "Voyeur" that they went to. But come on people. We're talking about republicans here.  They aren't gonna get together and go to Baby Dolls which is located under the I-35 overpass in San Antonio and hang out with the "Real Americans."  No, republicans like their strip clubs the same as their golf and country clubs.  Exclusive.

For the record, I found Baby Dolls (not sure if it even still exists) to be really scary.  In fact, I remember thinking to myself that if it was THIS scary at 3:00 in the afternoon, I REALLY didn't want to see that place at night.  So, although the conversation with "Willow," a very sweet girl who was only 8.75 months pregnant at the time, was quite fun, I chose not to return to that place.  I stuck to Wild Zebra from then on. Although, I'm pretty sure the RNC people wouldn't go there either.


What strippers might look like...



Speaking of strip clubs.  Did you see that Iceland has outlawed them completely?  So much for my ever visiting that shit hole.  I've seen a few articles by women hailing this new law as a great victory for feminism.  Personally, I see it as a horrible (and ominous) defeat against freedom of expression, speech and women's control over their own bodies and lives.

One thing I've always been amazed at, is left-wing "feminist" groups willingness to team up with right-wing "Christian" groups to go after places like strip clubs and legalized prostitution.  But, it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that they would team up like this.  The one thing both groups have in common is their desire to control women.  Strippers and prostitutes and others are in danger of not being dependent on feminist groups, so those groups try to outlaw strip clubs and whatever else in an attempt to get women back into line.

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm not saying that stripping is a beautiful and wonderful life.  Although for some it really probably is.  I'm not saying that it isn't humiliating and doesn't often times lead to heavy drinking and drug use and other bad things.  But, outlawing strip clubs does nothing to address the real economic and social issues that drive women into the world of stripping, prostitution and porn to begin with.

And, none of the "feminist" or "Christian" groups that are so happy by Iceland's new law, and who tirelessly attempt to pass similar laws here, actually do a damn thing about those REAL problems.  They just want to be the ones who tell women what they can and can't do to make money.  And, their biggest fear is that women will not be dependent on them, so they try to use the laws to force them to be.

Okay, so that isn't really where I intended this post to go, but there it is.

After all, as I have said many times, Strippers are People Too!

Strippers Are Easier to Talk to Than Hookers ...

I haven’t posted in a few days so I thought I would throw something up here today.  Not that I have anything really all that great to blog about.  But, I don’t want everyone forgetting about me or anything.  So, I thought I would just do a stream of consciousness thing here. 

Aaaaand go….

So my determined march towards dead last place in the tournament pick ‘em game continues unabated.  It began with Florida and Vandy both losing in the early games on Thursday and ended when Texas came from ahead to lose to Wake Forrest on a buzzer beater.  Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory assholes.  Thanks for the big roundhouse kick straight to the balls.  I swear I’ll never forgive Texas for losing that game.  It was completely and totally embarrassing.  There’s nothing you can do to make me change my mind either Texas.  Not even a weekend alone in a luxury hotel with this cheerleader will make me change my mind…


Uh … Like I said.  I will never forgive Vanderbilt for losing that game. 

Hahaha … see what I did there?  I admitted that she could make me change my mind.  Hell, she could have convinced me to vote for McCain.  Maybe.  Well, I would probably have just lied to her and told her that I did vote for McCain when I really didn’t.  That’s just the kind of guy I am sometimes.  Not all the time.  I mean, I would definitely go get Scmoop some ice cream if she asked me to.  And even though I joked to Matt-Man that it would give me a chance to see if the streetwalkers were out at night yet as the weather warms up, I really wouldn’t have done that either.  Bagwine, Ohio streetwalkers are even a little beneath my standards.  Not far, but far enough.  Actually, it probably depends on the girl and the situation.  

Did I ever tell you about the hooker who was my neighbor in San Antonio?* Yeah, I lived in the ghetto.  Anyway, she was pretty friendly.  I would run into her at the mailboxes a few days a week.  Totally by coincidence too.  I mean, I never sat there staring out the window until I saw her heading for the mailboxes and then took off running to “accidentally” run into her at all.  I’m not that pathetic.  Well, I am, but I really didn’t do that.  Maybe I should have though.  Anyway, if I was still her neighbor I would try to convince her to write a blog.  I bet it would be interesting.  Actually I don’t know if it would be or not cause I never talked “bidness” with her.  Just general chit chat.  But, I was pretty fascinated and dying to ask her some questions about her chosen profession.  Unfortunately I’m a total freaking coward when it comes to those things so I never did.  It’s easier to talk to strippers about stripping than it is to talk to hookers about hooking.

When I lived in Springfield, Mo I lived in another ghetto apt complex.  They rented these studio apts in the back near the highway for like $210 a month.  Turns out there were some hookers working out of those apts too.  Great business plan.  Very low overhead.  I was impressed with their business sense.  Of course, I never knew about them until after the cops had arrested them and the apt complex owners had to “clean up their act” and shit.   So, I never got to run into any of them at the mailboxes there.  Or talk to them at all.  I did talk to the woman who was selling crack out of her apartment once.  It was a very brief conversation that went something like…

Her: “Dude! Why are you fucking parked over here on this side?”
Me: “All the spots in front of my building were taken.”
Her: “Well you need to move your fucking car cause I need that spot for my friends.”
Me: “Uh … Okay, I’ll park on the side.”
Her: “Well hurry up and fucking do it.  That spot needs to be open.”

She was another really smart businesswoman.  Low overhead in a cheap apartment.  Good exposure to a main road that ran in front of one of the high schools so there were customers nearby.  And she understood that people needed convenient parking.  Very smart.  She kind of scared me though.  Don’t know what it was, but I found her intimidating. 

Oh BTW, I never told you who my final four picks are.  I’m going with Kansas v Pitt in one game and West Virginia v Duke in the other.  I’m taking Duke even though I don’t think that they’re that good. But, I’m just assuming they will get there because God hates me. 

Anyway, my national championship match up is Kansas v West Virginia and my national champion pick is …..

West BY GOD Virginia!


I know you were wondering who I was picking.  So, there ya go.  Okay, that’s all I’ve got.




*That was a joke.  I know I’ve mentioned my neighbor the hooker many, many times.

Where Are My Stripper Friends?

So yesterday I talked about the celebrities who are following me on Twitter and how I’m now kind of a big deal over there. At least in my own mind I am. I would appreciate your not trying to inject reality into this thankyouverymuch.

But, even with my great triumph there is still something missing for me on Twitter. Something that leaves me feeling a little empty inside. Yes, I’m talking about the lack of strippers who are following me. I follow a few strippers on there, and I’m totally respectful to them. I reply to them from time to time nicely and even RT when they say something clever.

But do they follow me back? No, they don’t. And it hurts.

Look, I get that strippers are leery of people. People are always trying to hustle them or wanting to preach to them or be judgmental and shit. And most the men who they come across are just wanting to live out the dream of having a stripper girlfriend. You know the one where every day would consist of her bringing her hot stripper friends home and he would get all kinds of free lap dances and then do some blow off one of the strippers asses and then watch the girls put on a sex show and then have a MFFFFF orgy. So, I totally understand their being careful.

But, that’s not me at all. Oh sure, I wouldn’t turn down the party thing, but I’m not looking to use them or set them up for ridicule. I think anyone who has been paying attention around here for very long will know that I truly love and respect strippers. And it’s a crying shame that I don’t have any stripper friends.

I think they’re missing out. I’m a very supportive friend and I would never crush their dreams or disappoint them by becoming just another jerk who was just trying to fulfill his dream of banging a stripper.

I’ve done my best to prove this to them over the years. First I’ve never been a cheapskate with them. In San Antonio there was this club called the Wild Zebra. Every Wednesday was $5 lap dance on day shifts. Night shift was $10. But, did I go on Wednesdays? Hell NO! You know why? Because I thought half-priced lap dances was an insult to the girls. Not to mention a stupid business move. Think about it. If lap dances are half price on Wednesdays, why would anyone go to the club on Tuesday or Thursday? They wouldn’t. They would plan on going the half price night and then business would be dead on the other days. They’re just taking business away from themselves and the girls.

As a side note, I should totally own my own strip club. I’m pretty sure it would be the most awesomest club EVER! And the girls would love working there cause I would never screw them over and try to take a big percentage of the money the girls make like so many clubs do. And I would get rid of the DJs. Seriously, every DJ in every strip club in America is a total fucking douche. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, back to my point. And I do have one. I think.

As I was saying. I’ve been a great customer of strippers over the years. I don’t get grabby with the ladies. I’ve never tried to get any freebies, or and extras or anything like that. Okay, there was the one chick in Vegas, but that doesn’t count. I was bombed out of my mind and she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Besides, she gave me a kiss and told me I was sweet. So it’s all good, right? And I was sweet. I mean, “freaking adorable” is probably a better way to describe me that night.

As I said, I’ve always been totally supportive of the girls. I’ve supported their dreams of going to college and law school or med school or just go and get their degrees and do something different with their lives. I’ve listened to them talk about their loser boyfriends or when they rag on other dancers. I’ve totally respected that! If a dancer tells me that another dancer is a bitch and to stay away from her, I do it. And, I’m a great cuddler.

So, since I think I’ve pretty much proven myself as probably the best stripper customer on the face of the Earth. And proven how much I love strippers. So, I have to say that it really hurts my feelings that none of them are following me back on Twitter. Or, here in the bloggerhood for that matter. Yeah, there are some stripper blogs out there and I’ve been nice enough to leave supportive comments from time to time on them. But, they never respond.

Sorry, I’m starting to tear up a bit. I don’t handle rejection well.




Injury report…

Matt-Man is still in the hospital and is hoping to be sent home on Saturday.

Gary has been sick and hopefully is getting better. If not, he might should go see a doctor.

Wreggie has Bacon Flu Hamthrax H1N1 (Swine) Flu. Get better fast Wreggie!

Apologies Are In Order ...

Okay, I’m the kind of guy who can admit mistakes and apologize when it’s called for. I think it’s important for men to be able to apologize and guys, I tell ya, girls find a man who can admit when he’s made a mistake pretty damn sexy. So, because I’m a decent person and want everyone know that I don’t think I’m too good to apologize, I thought I would do this post today.

Last week I included, in one of my posts, something that quite honestly was just uncalled for. It was mean and thoughtless and hurtful. It was just another one of my cheap, desperate attempts at being a Cynical_Bastard and trying to fill space on this bog. And it was totally unwarranted.

So today I apologize to Buddy II for implying that he was “dim.”


Buddy II is a really sweet, caring and loyal dog and he didn’t deserve for me to simply call him “not too bright” just because the WWC word for last week was “bright.”

What? You thought I was going apologize for the Brady post? Pfffffft ... Please.


Anyway, now that I’m on a roll showing everyone how sensitive and thoughtful I am, I thought I would issue a few other apologies that I probably should have done in the past, but haven’t because I haven’t joined any 12-step programs yet.


- Okay, I apologize for that 12-step program crack.


- Back when I was in 7th grade a new girl started school at the semester break. Her name was Betsy and I might have engaged in a little good-natured fun by calling her “Betsy Wetsy.” Obviously I didn’t make this nickname up for her and call her that first. I made it up and told someone else to call her that.

Seriously though, it’s really her own fault. If she hadn’t been so busy ... uh ... developing faster than the other girls and if she hadn’t had those amazing green eyes and long legs I would never have had to pretend that I didn’t think she was hot.

Anyway, sorry about that Wet ..uh .. Betsy.


- While I was in high school I was playing in a golf tournament over in Diamond City, Arkansas. On that course the 1st hole and the 4th hole run side-by-side. I was on the 1st and a person that, well let’s just say that he and I were competing against each other, was over on the 4th. Anyway, that person hit his drive over into the 1st fairway. So I might have driven over his golf ball with my golf cart and smushed the ball it into the ground a bit.

That was kind of unsportsmanlike. So uh, sorry dad.


- When I was a junior at the University of Arkansas, a freshman student came up to me and asked where Geology Dept offices were. So, I sent him to the complete opposite corner of the campus, which meant, he not only had to walk all the way across campus and back to the get to the right place, he had to walk up a very steep hill on the way back.

When I ran into him a couple of weeks later he told me “that wasn’t cool man” and when I asked what he was talking about he reminded me. I then said “Ohhh dude, I thought you were asking about the Geography Dept.” Best part was he bought it.

Sorry about that dude.


- Many years ago I worked for a tooling manufacturing company running some mills and lathes. It was pretty hot and nasty work and I got damn dirty every night. We had this goofy maintenance technician who would take off his glasses and set them on the table and go into the men’s room right before lunch break. So, I would go over and grab his glasses so that I left a greasy fingerprint right in the center of the glasses.

Yeah, that was kind of childish, so I apologize to that dude too. But, you do have to admit that the fact that I was able to do this every single night for 3 freaking weeks before he FINALLY stopped leaving his glasses there was pretty funny.


- To all the strippers who I have told I was a doctor, lawyer, corporate CEO or someone that would make oodles of money, I apologize. Strippers are good decent people and they don’t deserve to have people like me lying to them like that.


Okay, so there are probably a few other things that I have done that I should have apologized for, but can’t seem to think of any right now. But, I tell ya, I feel pretty good about myself today after this. I think I’ve shown all men that it’s okay to say you’re sorry. And I know you guys are all very proud of me too.

I'm Totally Getting Ripped Off ...

So I guess we’ve all seen the Paris Hilton video where she responds to that “wrinkly white haired dude” John McCain? If you haven’t Knight posted it yesterday.

As I said in comments on Kinght’s blog yesterday I thought that video was pretty funny. And I’m one of the few people I know who will actually say that I think Paris is beautiful. But, she’s not sexy.

See, you gotta have brains to be sexy and Paris is stooooopid. Really, really stupid. You also have to have a sense of humor to be sexy and you also can’t have a sense of humor if you are stupid. Okay, maybe you can, but not a good one. So Paris loses out completely.

But, that isn’t really what I was going to talk about concerning that video.

How much of a geek does it make me if right after watching the Paris for Prez video, I said “Pffffft .. She can’t run for President. You gotta be 35 years old. And Rihanna can’t be her running mate cause not only is she not 35 either, she’s not even a native born American. Sheesh!”


--


Ok, so now let’s deal with the other bimbo that was in that McCain ad. Now this one has really got me fired up!

Britney Spears has apparently been offered the role of Varla in a remake of the 1965 cult film “Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!” That is Quintin Tarantino’s latest project.

Now, I know this is a remake, but that doesn’t change the fact that I proposed an idea very similar to this more than a year ago. Yes, my idea was for Britney to be a superhero and in this movie she would be a totally whacked out freak (type casting) who is a murderer. But, she is still going to be a stripper which was really the whole idea of the move. Britney playing a stripper and getting nekked a lot.

And yes, in this movie Brit would also be a lesbian, but that’s not really that much different from my idea either. I mean, if Brit is a stripper then it’s pretty much understood that she is at least bi-sexual, right? Hell, every stripper I’ve ever met was bi, so I just assumed Brit’s character would be too.

You know, it’s funny. Every single stripper who has ever come over and sat down next to me has pointed to some outrageously hot girl who was on stage and said “that’s my girlfriend up there.” I always thought that was odd that I ALWAYS had that kind of timing. Get the girl on stage’s girlfriend to sit with me every single time. I know some people have told me that the girls do that just to get the idea of them and another hot girl together in my mind and then I will want lap dances or whatever. But, that’s a pretty cynical view of these really sweet girls who are just trying to work their way through college, so I refuse to accept that. I just think I have unique timing.

Anyway, I’m not saying that Quintin Tarantino saw my blog post about making a Britney a superhero stripper who kills bad people like Ben Affleck, and thought “that’s brilliant” and then decided to do this remake so he could use her as a stripper who kills whoever she kills in this movie.

Oh wait ...

Yes I am!

I’m so getting a lawyer.

I want royalties.

Or a part in the movie.

Or to be invited to the premiere.

Or at a very minimum to be invited to the post premiere party where Britney and any other chicks who play lesbian strippers show off some of their stripper moves.

Ok, I’ll settle for going to strip clubs with Britney as she learns how to do stripper dancing and how to be bisexual.

Is that really asking too much?

Come on dude, it's the least you can do since I still pimp Reservoir Dogs as a bad ass movie and never said a bad word about Grindhouse.