Strippers Are Easier to Talk to Than Hookers ...

I haven’t posted in a few days so I thought I would throw something up here today.  Not that I have anything really all that great to blog about.  But, I don’t want everyone forgetting about me or anything.  So, I thought I would just do a stream of consciousness thing here. 

Aaaaand go….

So my determined march towards dead last place in the tournament pick ‘em game continues unabated.  It began with Florida and Vandy both losing in the early games on Thursday and ended when Texas came from ahead to lose to Wake Forrest on a buzzer beater.  Way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory assholes.  Thanks for the big roundhouse kick straight to the balls.  I swear I’ll never forgive Texas for losing that game.  It was completely and totally embarrassing.  There’s nothing you can do to make me change my mind either Texas.  Not even a weekend alone in a luxury hotel with this cheerleader will make me change my mind…


Uh … Like I said.  I will never forgive Vanderbilt for losing that game. 

Hahaha … see what I did there?  I admitted that she could make me change my mind.  Hell, she could have convinced me to vote for McCain.  Maybe.  Well, I would probably have just lied to her and told her that I did vote for McCain when I really didn’t.  That’s just the kind of guy I am sometimes.  Not all the time.  I mean, I would definitely go get Scmoop some ice cream if she asked me to.  And even though I joked to Matt-Man that it would give me a chance to see if the streetwalkers were out at night yet as the weather warms up, I really wouldn’t have done that either.  Bagwine, Ohio streetwalkers are even a little beneath my standards.  Not far, but far enough.  Actually, it probably depends on the girl and the situation.  

Did I ever tell you about the hooker who was my neighbor in San Antonio?* Yeah, I lived in the ghetto.  Anyway, she was pretty friendly.  I would run into her at the mailboxes a few days a week.  Totally by coincidence too.  I mean, I never sat there staring out the window until I saw her heading for the mailboxes and then took off running to “accidentally” run into her at all.  I’m not that pathetic.  Well, I am, but I really didn’t do that.  Maybe I should have though.  Anyway, if I was still her neighbor I would try to convince her to write a blog.  I bet it would be interesting.  Actually I don’t know if it would be or not cause I never talked “bidness” with her.  Just general chit chat.  But, I was pretty fascinated and dying to ask her some questions about her chosen profession.  Unfortunately I’m a total freaking coward when it comes to those things so I never did.  It’s easier to talk to strippers about stripping than it is to talk to hookers about hooking.

When I lived in Springfield, Mo I lived in another ghetto apt complex.  They rented these studio apts in the back near the highway for like $210 a month.  Turns out there were some hookers working out of those apts too.  Great business plan.  Very low overhead.  I was impressed with their business sense.  Of course, I never knew about them until after the cops had arrested them and the apt complex owners had to “clean up their act” and shit.   So, I never got to run into any of them at the mailboxes there.  Or talk to them at all.  I did talk to the woman who was selling crack out of her apartment once.  It was a very brief conversation that went something like…

Her: “Dude! Why are you fucking parked over here on this side?”
Me: “All the spots in front of my building were taken.”
Her: “Well you need to move your fucking car cause I need that spot for my friends.”
Me: “Uh … Okay, I’ll park on the side.”
Her: “Well hurry up and fucking do it.  That spot needs to be open.”

She was another really smart businesswoman.  Low overhead in a cheap apartment.  Good exposure to a main road that ran in front of one of the high schools so there were customers nearby.  And she understood that people needed convenient parking.  Very smart.  She kind of scared me though.  Don’t know what it was, but I found her intimidating. 

Oh BTW, I never told you who my final four picks are.  I’m going with Kansas v Pitt in one game and West Virginia v Duke in the other.  I’m taking Duke even though I don’t think that they’re that good. But, I’m just assuming they will get there because God hates me. 

Anyway, my national championship match up is Kansas v West Virginia and my national champion pick is …..

West BY GOD Virginia!


I know you were wondering who I was picking.  So, there ya go.  Okay, that’s all I’ve got.




*That was a joke.  I know I’ve mentioned my neighbor the hooker many, many times.

I Can Make This Choice On My Own, Thanks ...

Well kids, once again some people here in Redneckville have decided to try and defeat the prohibitionists and turn our small, rural county wet.  As I have mentioned here many times before, the sale of alcohol is prohibited here.  We do have a few private clubs who have been given licenses to sell alcohol though.  Both the Elks Lodge and the Country Club have full bars.  There is another golf club up near the lake and a tennis club here in town that both still have a license for full bars, but those places are closed and for sale.  If anyone buys them and reopens them, the licenses are still good. 

And we have two restaurants in town that have a beer and wine license.  The most recent place to get a beer and wine license is Colton's Steakhouse.  Their initial application was denied, but they appealed.  At the appeal all the holy rollers and the county sheriff showed up to argue against the license.  Then the state beverage control board voted unanimously to deny the license.  Luckily though the board's director ignored their recommendation and granted the license anyway.  Nice system huh? Anyway, you can get a beer or glass of wine with your steak there now. 

A lot of people love to claim that the democratic party is the party of the "Nanny State."  And it certainly is in many ways.  But, the fact of the matter is, the desire to tell people what to do and control their lives cuts across party lines.  When was the last time you saw the republicans take control of a city, state or county government and repeal anti-smoking laws?  Almost never. My city and county are republican controlled and they are committed to making sure that I can't smoke anywhere in public (not that I smoke, but if I wanted to I couldn't do so anywhere other than in my own apartment) or run out and buy some beer if I want some without having to drive to another county or even to Missouri.  They also make sure that I don't run the risk of seeing any naked chicks in person or a dirty movie, or accidentally read something controversial either. They're just looking out for my well being, ya know.

Prohibition laws always bring out my libertarian streak.  I get into all kinds of arguments with people over my opposition to smoking laws.  "Why should the gov't be allowed to tell a person that he can't allow smoking in HIS OWN restaurant? He owns it!" I'll ask.  Invariably I'll get some mumbo-jumbo about public health and the health of the employees. "But, nobody is REQUIRED to go there or work there!" And then I get the "Well, I'm allergic to smoke/don't want to expose my kids to smoke and if they allowing smoking in that place I won't be able to go and I like there food" line.  The "It isn't fair TO ME!" Bullshit.

But, YOU don't have a God-given right to eat at that restaurant.  If the person who took the financial risk to open the place wants to allow smoking, he should be allowed to.  If, by allowing people to smoke, he can't find people to work there, or his business is so slow that he can't make money, then maybe he will have to go smoke free.  But, it will be the owner's decision and not forced on him by the gov't.  That's the free market in action.

Anyway, as you can imagine I fully support the county going wet.  Not only that, I think that beer and wine at least, if not liquor should be sold at convenience stores and even at Walmart.  And it should be sold on Sundays too!  That's another one of my pet peeves.  Allowing alcohol sales, but then limiting it to only a couple of stores that essentially engage in price fixing because of the lack of competition and then use the profits to buy off the local politicians to keep control over the liquor trade. Which is exactly what the bootleggers used to do back in the day.

Hell, we might as well go wet anyway now that there's a state lottery and we're all hardcore gambling addicts and our towns have been overrun with homeless and prostitutes.  Well, not yet, but it will happen. They promised us it would if we voted in that lottery.  Maybe if we go wet it will accelerate this a bit.  I'm not looking forward to dealing with the homeless, but the prostitutes will be a lot of fun.


Now don't be stupid people.  I'm not saying that I should be able to sit on a park bench by the lake and drink a fifth of vodka, talk to my bookie about what games I'm betting, smoke a pack of cigs (and maybe smoke a joint) all while having sex with a prostitute as I do in my dreams.
 

I'm just saying that I don't really need the government to protect me from myself.  And, for those of you who don't drink or smoke or gamble do anything "bad" ever? Good for you. Now shut the fuck up and quit trying to tell me how to live my life.

Just Being Helpful ...

Because I didn't post last Monday, and because I have the memory of a gnat, I forgot to wish my friend Kim a happy birthday last week. (Well, on here I did, not on Twitter or Facebook). So, a bit late, but Happy Birthday Kimmeh!

Also, a very happy birthday to my wonderful friend Hannah AKA NeBaby AKA lotsofothernames. I hope you had a truly great birthday babe. You deserve it!


Okay, so that old drunk Matt-Man stole the topic I was going to post about today. As payback I’m going to post about something that happened right in his own backyard. *flips Matt-Man off*




Robert McFadden of Dublin, OH plead guilty to two counts of compelling prostitution after he posted to a website in which people rate and recommend hookers. Now, I'm sure you're thinking that I'm going to focus on the fact that this guy is the former Director of Faith Based and Community Initiatives under Gov. Ted Strickland (D-OH).

Well, that is pretty damn funny. But, I think we've all come to expect this kind of behavior out of people in those "Faith" positions. And, while this kind of hypocrisy certainly calls out for long and forceful mocking, I've got other things to discuss.

Who the hell gets caught, and admits to, posting on websites recommending prostitutes? Everybody knows that when you post to those sites, just like posting to Strip Club Review sites, you make it an imaginary story. Maybe even a dream. Or maybe it all happened because you were being helpful Something like this…



The other night I had to work late and there was an accident on the highway, so I had to take a side road home. As I was driving along I noticed a very pretty lady hanging out at the bus station looking like she was a little afraid. Because I volunteer as a security guard a local women's shelter for my church, I know the signs of a girl in distress, so I turned around drove back to the bus stop.

I drove up and down the road a bit, looking to see if there were any police officers near who could help. As usual there were no cops around when I needed them, so I decided I should stop and talk to her. Sure enough, she was very upset about some bad situations in her life and was a little afraid of some people. She even asked me if I was a cop. I told her I wasn't, but I could help her. I don't know who she was so worried about, but she kept looking around and saying "I don't want to be seen talking to you on the street, can we go over to that parking lot behind the Hobby Lobby."

I understood her concerns, so I agreed. I drove around and parked. After a few minutes she came walking around the building and got in my car and told me her name was Britney. After a few minutes of my counseling her something happened that shocked me. She actually hit on me! I'm not kidding!

Well, the first thing I did was tell her that I didn't think that was appropriate. But, you know, I'm only human. And she was so cute and sweet. A little nervous acting, and kinda paranoid, but still very sweet. So, after checking I.D. to make sure she was of legal age, we headed over to a motel.

As soon as we got there we began to kiss. Her kiss tasted like Cheetos and desperation sunshine and angels. Then she began to press her warm and tender body up against mine as I slowly ran my hand over her firm and spectacular ass. It wasn't long before we were in the throes of ecstasy. She was incredible. Willing to try several different positions and quite talented too!

Afterwards, as we were cuddling, she told me that she never does anything like this. She was just so desperate for someone to hold her and make her feel safe. Even if it was just for an hour or so. It made me feel good to be able to be there for this girl when she needed someone.

Eventually she said that she really needed to go. Lying there in the fantasy of my love was great, but she still couldn't just ignore the realities of the world. I asked her if she needed a ride somewhere, and she said back to the bus stop. She said she is stuck riding the bus because the starter is messed up on her car.

Without being asked, I decided that I should help out. I reached into my wallet and gave her a hundie and told her to let me pay for her car to be fixed. She protested, saying that I had already done so much for her, but I insisted. I knew she really needed that car fixed. I was afraid that if she had to ride the bus too long she would lose hope, and quit her job and have to resort to something terrible to make money. Again, she was incredibly grateful for my generosity.

I gotta tell you guys. I've never felt better about myself. I really made a difference in that young (but of legal age) girl's life. And, I hope that my story can be an inspiration for you to go out and find someone to help too.



See, there was nothing illegal in there. It's just a story about a guy who helped out a grateful young girl in need. A very heartwarming story even. Not that anything like this has ever happened to me. Not that I’m not the kind of guy who would stop and help a young lady in need. Cause I totally am. I think I’ve established that.