Strip Club Rules ...

Another one from the mailbag:

Yo, Viking Dude, first of all I just wanted to let you know that you’re my fucking hero.  I’m serious.  I fucking love your blog and think you are the coolest cat around. 

Here’s my situation.  I think I’ve finally worked up the courage to go to a strip club this weekend.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Thanks,
G-Dawg


G-Dawg,

Thanks for the kind words.  That was very nice of you to say.  It’s nice to get positive feedback every once in a while.  I mean sure all those sexy pics and love letters that women email to me are awesome, but sometimes having a stranger take the time to tell me how awesome I am is really nice too.

So, as for your question you’ve come to the right place dude.  Here is the information you need.

- First I recommend that you go during the day until you learn the ropes.  Things are usually more laid back during the day, the crowds are smaller (and less scary) and you can settle in better.

- BE NICE TO THE GIRLS.  I can’t stress this enough.  For the most part the girls are friendly and nice and they take a lot of shit from douche bags.  Don’t be one of them.

- TIP!  Go up to the stage, stand where you’re supposed to stand (learn from watching other people) and tip the girl.  And then .. SAY THANK YOU to the girl. 

- Don’t drink too much.  People say and do stupid things when they’re drunk.  By not drinking too much you won’t risk doing something that will get you physically removed from the club.

- Don’t start going to the club every single day.  That’s pathetic.  At least don’t go to the SAME club everyday.  Go to different places.  You don’t want the girls to look up and say “OMG, him AGAIN??”

- Fee free to ask the girls what the “rules” are.  They’ll probably ask you if you’ve been there before and then tell you the rules when you say “no” but if they don’t just ask.  They’ll appreciate your consideration.

- Don’t get all grabby.  Let her do her thing when getting a lap dance.  Also, keep your fucking tongue to yourself you sick fuck.  And don’t try to kiss her either.  The dancer sets the rules and you just follow her lead.

- Do not. I mean DO NOT bitch about the prices to the girls.  Anytime you complain about the price of a lap dance you are basically telling the girl she isn’t worth it.  That’s rude.  Besides, complaining about the prices also tells the girls that you’re a cheap bastard.

- TIP!  This one bears repeating. The girls are working hard. They’re trying to make sure you have a great experience and their time is worth paying for.  

- Maker her laugh.  Dancers put up with the absolute worst of society. Every single kind of asshole and rude, arrogant fuck come into their clubs every single day.  Instead of being one of those guys, be the one who made her laugh and feel good.  Compliment her and be casual and comfortable around her and just be a gentleman in general.

Okay, so the last two thing you are probably wanting to ask, or maybe the ONLY things are whether or not it’s okay to ask for “extras” in the VIP room or even ask her on a date.  Well, that’s a tough one.

Let’s just say “NO” to asking for extras.  If you happen to find a girl who does that, she will find a way to let you know that it’s available. 

Anyway, as for asking her out, after you’ve kind of gotten to know her a bit and have been to the club and are comfortable with her and have been VERY nice to her and generous then it is probably okay to ask her if she would like to get lunch or maybe some coffee sometime.  Don’t ask her if she wants to go home with you or go someplace like a bar or something.  If (uh well, WHEN actually) she says no, just tell her you understand and then continue to be nice to her. Don’t go all psycho stalker.  That’s basically why most dancers are so guarded. 

And one more time …. TIP THE DANCERS … This is their job. They’re there to make a living and pay their bills.  You are the customer and you are getting something from them of value (there time and the chance to see their boobies up close).  Expect to pay for it and be willing to do so.


And just for the hell of it, what Natalie Portman would look like as a stripper:

Someone Needs My Advice on Meeting Women ...

Anon asked:

So, there’s this chick that I really REALLY like.  She’s super cute and I think we would make a great couple together.  Problem is, I can’t seem to figure out how to get her attention and get her to notice me.  Got any ideas?

You’re in luck.  I’ve been in this same situation and I know just what to do.  First thing you do is google this chick.  See how much you can find out about her.  If you’re lucky you’ll find her phone number and maybe even home address.  Also, she might have an old Myspace page that she just left sitting there when she moved over to Facebook.  This is always a great place to learn more about your new victim love.

On that Myspace page you will probably find pictures of her. Maybe even some of her in a bikini.  Save those so you can make your shrine to her.  Also, you will find out who her friends are and what kind of music she loves and shit like that.

Then start learning the places she likes to hang out at.  Like coffee houses, bars, restaurants and if she likes to go for walks at the local park or whatever.  After you do this, start scouting those places out at different times of the day and find out when she’s there.

Don’t go in immediately.  Just sit back and watch.  It helps to wear a disguise and park in an inconspicuous location while doing your research.   Gather all the info you can.  Take pictures, make notes and be thorough.

Now that you have all this down, formulate your plan.  Start showing up at her favorite places and bumping into her.  Be like “HEY! Didn’t I just see you at Starbucks earlier today?” And she’ll be like “Oh yeah! I saw you there!”

You know why? Cause she noticed that you were wearing a t-shirt of her favorite band and ordering the exact same thing she was about to order.  THIS is where your research is paying off.  And, now? Now you’re at the park, staying shape like she likes to do and your walking your pet bulldog that you just got at the local animal shelter after reading her blog about how she still missed her pet bulldog “Brutus” that died when she was 12 on her old Myspace page that she forgot she had. 

This is important.  Don’t use her current Facebook page, blog or Twitter for research.  It needs to be on that old page she forgot about.  That way it won’t seem weird or creepy.

So, now you can ask her for her phone number and you’re in!  Just start calling her like every half hour asking her out and telling her how much you love her and how you can’t live without her.  Tell her how you saw her at her favorite bar the other night with her friends and how her ass was looking delicious in that short dress.  And then ask her about that guy she was grinding on while dancing.  Be forceful wanting to know who he is and stuff.

Then, tell her about how you were driving by her house every hour or so all night long and noticed that she seems to go to bed around midnight cause that’s when the lights go out.  And you saw that she leaves the house at around 7:30 in the morning.  But that you noticed that she didn’t get home until around 5 am the night you saw her at the bar and ask just what she was doing all night.

Finally, tell her about how you fantasize about her while you’re masturbating every single night.  Be graphic.  Don’t leave any details out.  Chicks really love that. 

Hope this helps.

Pasta and Country Music...

A couple of very interesting and important questions that need to be answered so that you can learn more about me that you never needed to know and don’t give a shit about:

Gary asked:

OK, big question for you to write about next time: where do you stand on PASTA? Do you like just spaghetti or maybe crazy corkscrews or zitis or raviolis and what kinda sauce, like tomato or cream or veggie or with meatballs or sausage or what about pasta salad too????

Excellent question!  I am a big fan of pasta.  All different kinds too.  Spaghetti, fettuccine, bow-tie, elbow macaroni, twisted spirals, the kind with grooves in them so the sauce sticks to the pasta better. I love it all.  Except maybe angel hair cause I’m not sure what part of the angel that hair came from cause it’s just too thin and gets all bunched up.

As for sauces I prefer the red sauces.  I’m okay with white sauces sometimes, but you gotta be careful with those.  If they’re bad you can have a raging case of flaming asshole for the whole night.  Yes, you do have to be sure that your red sauce isn’t too spicy, but I don’t usually have that problem.

I do NOT do veggie lasagna or veggie spaghetti though.  I like meat.  I’m good with half turkey and half ground beef though.  Or turkey, ground beef and some sausage in there.  AND, I will do just the red sauce and the spaghetti pasta.  That’s pretty yummy if the sauce is good. 

Also, just some good old mac & cheese (the .39 cent Always Save or Great Value box from the store) and mix in some hamburger meat is always pretty tasty. 

Or, if you prefer, you can mix in some chicken and broccoli (or asparagus) into your mac & cheese.  And maybe sprinkle some bread crumbs over the top of it, then put it into the oven to brown up the bread crumbs and serve it with garlic bread and a nice merlot.



But even though I don’t do vegetarian, a cold, crisp salad does go nicely with pasta meals.  However, when it comes to salads I am, not surprisingly, pretty basic.  Lettuce, shredded carrots, ham, some pepperonis, shredded cheese, bacon bits and sexy French babes dressing.  I’m good with mixing some fresh spinach into my salad too. And a basic vinegar and oil house dressing is usually acceptable too.

But, I’ll pass on other veggies like cauliflower, broccoli, that stuff that looks like grass, as well as chicken, fish, nasty cheeses and basically any gross dressing that people come up with.



Okay, Farmer’s Wife also had a very important question:

“I know you don't really care for country music.  But, say you were tied to a chair in a room with nothing but surround sound and your captor would release you after forcing you to a listen to one country music song for 24 hours played over and over again.  What song would you choose and why?”

So here’s the deal.  I don’t really consider most of what’s called country music today to be real country music.  It’s mostly bad pop music.  But, if you’re talking about people like Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson and others from back in the day?  Now THAT’S real country music. 

First of all, in this situation I’m going to assume that while I’m tied to that chair I will be getting a lap dance from country music star Miranda Lambert.  Right?



Yes? Thanks. 

If I’m getting the lap dance from Miranda, I’ll go with “Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC … what?  Ohhhhhhh Yeah.  That really isn’t a country song, is it?  Damn.

How about “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls?

No? Okay then I’ll probably go with “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash cause I freaking love him and that’s pretty much my favorite song of his. 

Time For More Questions and Answers ....

I decided it was time to answer questions again.  In fact, I’m going to make the mailbag a regular feature here.  So click on my Formspring over on the right sidebar or email me (it's in my profile aslo on the right sidebar) and ask me anything.  You can even ask anonymously which allows you to ask more embarrassing questions or tell me how much you hate me.  If you don’t start sending me questions I’ll be forced to make them up. 



1. Who’s legs are those in that pic of the girl leaning over the car in last week’s “love post?”

Oh yeah, I had a couple of people ask this.  One person said that they “look Asian except that they’re too long since Asian girls are usually short.” Grant also said that they looked Asian, but left off the nice “but they’re too long to be Asian” stereotype.

Actually, those are the all-American legs of Columbus, Ohio’s own Maggie Grace, who you probably know from the movie “Taken.”


I’ve also heard a rumor that she was on “Lost” but I haven’t been able to confirm that one since I never watched the show. 



2. How come you never do any blog posts mocking Muslims the way you did last week mocking Mormons and Sarah Palin?

Because Muslims have no sense of humor and will blow up my apartment building. Duh.



3. Why do you hate white people so much?

Unlike Barack Obama I don’t have a deep seated hatred of white people.  I’m white. Some of my best friends are white.  Hell, I’ve even had sex with a white woman once.  But, most of my white friends hate the NBA, so that always seems to be a problem that we just can’t seem to overcome.



4. You’re top 5 Quintin Tarantino movies?

1. Inglourious Basterds,  2: Reservoir Dogs, 3: Pulp Fiction, 4: Jackie Brown, 5:  Grindhouse



5. Why do you hate Christians so much?

Again, I’m not Barack Obama. I don’t hate Christians.  I’m a Christian. Some of my best friends are Christians.  Hell, I’ve even had sex with a couple of women who were Christians.



6. Favorite Miley Cyrus song?

Oh “Party in the USA” Definitely.  No contest.



7. Who is the one person who you wish was on Twitter?

Well, I was going to say Brett Favre, but apparently he creates and then deletes his Twitter account 37 times a day.

But, since you asked, the top five people from the Bloggerhood who need to be on Twitter are:  1: Knight, 2: Scott Oglesby, 3: Grant, 4: Linda Medrano and 5: Israel Carrasco



8. Is there anything worse than wiping your ass after a big dump and your fingers breaking through the toilet paper and you give yourself an unexpected asshole fingerbang?

First, I don’t care if your cabinets and frig are completely full of generic foods or if you are so poor that you eat Ramen Noodles three times a day and drive a 1977 Chevy Chevette, you can NEVER buy cheap toilet paper.

Having said that, the only thing worse than fingers busting through the toilet paper is just stepping out of the shower and realizing that you have to take a dump.  You’re shower was just nullified.  You have no choice but to take the dump and then jump back into the shower for a couple of minutes.  So frustrating.  Unless you install a bidet, of course.  If you do you can’t talk about though without all your guy friends calling you gay.



9.  When are you going to get a smart phone like a Droid or iPhone?

I’m not sure I really need a phone like that.  I think most of its capability would be lost on me.  I have this little point and shoot Kodak digital camera right?  Barely cost $100 but does tons of stuff.  It’s got I don’t know how many settings and shit, yet 99% of the pictures I take the thing is on the “easy” setting.

Just the other day I spent thirty minutes trying to find the indoor setting on the thing.  Then I spent another thirty minutes trying to remember how to do the self timer.  All so I could take this fucking pic…


Not sure it was worth it.



10. Thanks dear for the compliment, it was quite lovely. :) And also for enjoying my raw, obscene, offensive, and sexually explicit output. You probably are a pervert as well if you enjoy my tweets. Just my type. :) ~me.

Okay, so that isn’t a question, just a comment left there by a stripper I follow on twitter.  A really freaking hot, tiny, Asian stripper.  I have printed that comment out and framed it.