I'm Just Being Helpful ....

So a lot of people love to open up their blogs to questions from their commenters. Or they start up a Formspring account so people can ask or even have an ask box on Tumbr. I know a lot of times it's hard to come up with a question right on the spot. So, I thought I would help everyone out with that and list a few questions that you can ask people in these situations...

Is it normal to get so much pleasure from scratching that little area between my balls and my asshole?

If a 15 year old girl LOOKS 25, it's totally okay to masturbate to her, right?

Who is more likely to be a homicidal child molester: Atticus Finch or Rhett Butler?

More useful super power for a stalker: X-Ray Vision or Night Vision?

Would you rather have a super high IQ or genitals that taste like bacon?

Seriously, isn't it obvious that Cameron ended up marrying Sloan after they and Ferris Bueller graduated?

Do you ever look at the Dali Lama on TV and think “I could sooooo kick that old dudes ass?”

Which of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs do you think is the hottest and why?

Who would win in a fight between Verne Troyer and Woody Allen?

Could you describe for me, in detail, your most recent sexual experience?

Honestly? Is taking my girlfriend to Waffle House for our anniversary THAT bad of an idea?

Do you ever take suggestive or naked pics of yourself and could you send some of them to me?

Do you know of any good home hemorrhoid remedies?

How many restraining orders would you consider to be excessive?

Be serious. Do you find me creepy just because I downloaded all your Facebook pics and taped them up around my mirror?

So, I hope this helps the next time someone requests that people ask them questions and you can't come up with anything right away.

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In other news, whenever a terrible event such as the shootings in Arizona this past week happen, it's always important for someone to help the country get past it emotionally by lifting their spirits and making them feel better. Well, that's just what Matt-Man and I plan on doing this week on “I'm With Stupid”

Tragedy in Tucson: The Lighter Side will air at 11 pm EST on Blog Talk Radio. We'll talk about how hot Gabby Giffords is, get a live remote from Matt-Man's Ego by Kim Fragile, check in with Marty Marstein live in Tucscon and I will have a special, exclusive interview with God. All that and more! So tune in and if you'd like to, you can give us a call and help us, help America.

Pasta and Country Music...

A couple of very interesting and important questions that need to be answered so that you can learn more about me that you never needed to know and don’t give a shit about:

Gary asked:

OK, big question for you to write about next time: where do you stand on PASTA? Do you like just spaghetti or maybe crazy corkscrews or zitis or raviolis and what kinda sauce, like tomato or cream or veggie or with meatballs or sausage or what about pasta salad too????

Excellent question!  I am a big fan of pasta.  All different kinds too.  Spaghetti, fettuccine, bow-tie, elbow macaroni, twisted spirals, the kind with grooves in them so the sauce sticks to the pasta better. I love it all.  Except maybe angel hair cause I’m not sure what part of the angel that hair came from cause it’s just too thin and gets all bunched up.

As for sauces I prefer the red sauces.  I’m okay with white sauces sometimes, but you gotta be careful with those.  If they’re bad you can have a raging case of flaming asshole for the whole night.  Yes, you do have to be sure that your red sauce isn’t too spicy, but I don’t usually have that problem.

I do NOT do veggie lasagna or veggie spaghetti though.  I like meat.  I’m good with half turkey and half ground beef though.  Or turkey, ground beef and some sausage in there.  AND, I will do just the red sauce and the spaghetti pasta.  That’s pretty yummy if the sauce is good. 

Also, just some good old mac & cheese (the .39 cent Always Save or Great Value box from the store) and mix in some hamburger meat is always pretty tasty. 

Or, if you prefer, you can mix in some chicken and broccoli (or asparagus) into your mac & cheese.  And maybe sprinkle some bread crumbs over the top of it, then put it into the oven to brown up the bread crumbs and serve it with garlic bread and a nice merlot.



But even though I don’t do vegetarian, a cold, crisp salad does go nicely with pasta meals.  However, when it comes to salads I am, not surprisingly, pretty basic.  Lettuce, shredded carrots, ham, some pepperonis, shredded cheese, bacon bits and sexy French babes dressing.  I’m good with mixing some fresh spinach into my salad too. And a basic vinegar and oil house dressing is usually acceptable too.

But, I’ll pass on other veggies like cauliflower, broccoli, that stuff that looks like grass, as well as chicken, fish, nasty cheeses and basically any gross dressing that people come up with.



Okay, Farmer’s Wife also had a very important question:

“I know you don't really care for country music.  But, say you were tied to a chair in a room with nothing but surround sound and your captor would release you after forcing you to a listen to one country music song for 24 hours played over and over again.  What song would you choose and why?”

So here’s the deal.  I don’t really consider most of what’s called country music today to be real country music.  It’s mostly bad pop music.  But, if you’re talking about people like Patsy Cline, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson and others from back in the day?  Now THAT’S real country music. 

First of all, in this situation I’m going to assume that while I’m tied to that chair I will be getting a lap dance from country music star Miranda Lambert.  Right?



Yes? Thanks. 

If I’m getting the lap dance from Miranda, I’ll go with “Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC … what?  Ohhhhhhh Yeah.  That really isn’t a country song, is it?  Damn.

How about “I Touch Myself” by The Divinyls?

No? Okay then I’ll probably go with “Folsom Prison Blues” by Johnny Cash cause I freaking love him and that’s pretty much my favorite song of his. 

Questions for Me and Questions for You...

Okay, so Savannah did one of those “Questions” memes, but this one has a bit of a twist.  In the old one, everyone got questions just for them, but in this one, after answering her questions I post 10 questions for anyone to answer on their blog or in comments.  So, first I will answer her questions.


1. is there one book that you reread with some sort of regularity? (every 2 years, once a decade sort of thing) and if so, why?

There are several I’ve read multiple times like “To Kill a Mockingbird,” “The Great Gatsby” and “Fear in Loathing in Las Vegas” But, I don’t reread them regularly.  Just when I feel like it.  

Doc is rereading the whole Harry Potter series this summer and I was kind of inspired to do that too.  But, now I think I might do something else.  Not sure what though.


2. do you still watch cartoons? and if so, which ones and why those in particular?

Well some people consider anything animated a “cartoon.”  I think that’s kind of silly, but if you do then I guess the answer is yes cause I do watch “Family Guy” and “South Park.”  I also LOVE “King of the Hill”   And, I do watch “Futurama” which I guess really is a cartoon.  My favorite of all time?  “The Tick.”


3. what's the one thing you can't imagine living without on a daily basis?

All my Twitter friends.  I enjoy getting on there and chatting with everyone.


4. take out/take away or home cooking more than three times a week?

I rarely do take out.  When I do a fast food burger it’s usually Wendy’s.  I also love Subway.  And, there is a local BBQ dude who works out of a trailer that kicks ass. 


5. which is your most favorite room in your home?

Oh, I guess they’re all about equal.  The room with the desktop is cooler and has a TV very close so I can better hear the dialog of whatever I’m watching though.  So if I had to choose it would be that one.


6. are you currently following/regularly watching a tv series? which one and why?

“Justified”  Because I enjoy that type of show and both Timothy Oliphant and Walt Goggins are tremendous in it. 

“Treme”  It’s an amazing story full of complicated and brilliant characters.  I love shows that make you think and make you pay attention and draw you in and make you care about the characters.  Also, I love New Orleans Jazz music and this show really highlights it beautifully.


7. have you seen the player?

Nope.


8. other than your blog, do you keep a personal journal?

Nope, but I guess this blog started out that way.  At some point I decided that it was boring.  Maybe I’ll do some sort of online journal sometime though.


9. do you have a favorite movie quote that you routinely use?

Lots of ‘em.  The one I probably use most is “WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION NUMBNUTS!?!? From "Full Metal Jacket"  I could probably do a whole post about favorite movie quotes though.  Maybe I will someday.


10. will you tag 6 bloggers or will you leave this open ended and accept answers in comments?

No, I’m not gonna tag anyone, but here are 10 questions that you can answer or not.


1. You’re building your dream house. What’s the one thing that this house absolutely, positively MUST HAVE? (other than the obvious basics of course)

2. What is your dream car?

3. What is your favorite website that isn’t a blog.

4. iPhone 4 or Droid, which do you want?

5. When you’re feeling down or lonely or just generally out of sorts, what do you do to cheer yourself up?

6. Tell me about something or someone that you love that most people seem to hate.

7. What do you want to be when you grow up?

8. Would you go on a reality show if given the chance?

9. Who was your favorite teacher when you were growing up.  (Grade school, Middle School, Jr. High or High School only.)

10. You get one pass to do something illegal or immoral. What are you gonna do?

A Little Q&A ...

You guys have questions? I have the answers …


How come you are such a dick?

Well, this is just something that comes naturally to me.  I can’t really help it.  And, sometimes it’s because the person I’m dealing with is just an asshole. ;-)


What is the best thing you have ever gotten?

I really don’t know.  I think that the bike I got when I was in like 3rd grade was pretty freaking awesome.  There have been lots of other awesome things over the years too.  What that hooker in Vegas gave me would NOT be on the list though.


Do you ask for directions when you get lost?

I really don’t get lost.  I’m a very good map reader and have a good sense of direction.  But, the few times that I have gotten lost and actually asked for directions, the person I asked has been of no help at all.  So, I don’t really bother anymore. 

Besides, it’s kind of embarrassing to stop and ask a convenience store clerk where Miss Mabel’s Gentleman’s Club and Pleasure Palace is.


One wish, seriously, what would it be?

Well, I guess I should wish for World Peace.  I mean, if I don’t I’m a selfish jerk or something right?  But, basically I would wish for happiness and security for my family and friends.


What is the best swear word(s) to use while in a Catholic confessional?

Oh, I’m pretty sure that priests love the word “cunt.”


What part of a dog do you find the most attractive?



Do you think that you'll ever be able to visit another planet?

Someday, yes we will be able to visit another planet.  Maybe not in my lifetime, but there are too many people committed to making this happen for it not to.  Not that I’ll ever take that trip, should it be available while I’m still alive. 


If a train is going south at 62mph and a train is going North at 73mph and they are on the same tracks and 1 train has 102 cars & the other has 98 cars, what time do they serve lunch?

Lunch is served at 12:15 pm sharp!  Please dress accordingly and bring a healthy appetite.


How much does a cup of tea cost in China?

Probably around 13.00 CNY


What is the wing velocity of an African sparrow?

I think the technical term for it is “hauling ass.”  Which isn’t quite as fast as “A bat outta hell.”


After you wipe, do you look at the toilet paper before you drop it in the toilet?

No, I’m not all that fascinated by poop.  I don’t normally inspect mine unless it was a rather painful experience.  Or, if maybe it came running out really fast. 

BTW, I don’t know if any of you guys ever eat Walmart’s Great Value Fruity Puffs, They’re good, but they turn my poop green.  I just thought I’d share that with you.


What kind of cookies would you like me to bring you out in the bushes?

I’m a pretty regular guy, so just basic everyday chocolate chip cookies would be perfect for me.  Unless you want to make some fancy cookies with icing on them.  I love those too.


Just how many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? and precisely how far is the distance between here and yonder?

The average person takes 69 licks.  This was determined scientifically.  Also, it was discovered that the average porn star only takes 21 licks.  They’re professionals, ya know.

The distance between here and yonder is a One Country Mile.


What song would we be shocked to see on your iPod?

I have a bunch of Andy Griffith’s old time gospel music on there.  I think that would surprise a lot of people.


I have like a really, really big butt. I sleep on my back. will this suck up my extra mass?

Nope, it just leaves a really awesome Kim Kardasianesque imprint on the mattress.  However, unlike Kim, you won’t necessarily leave a big stain there.


What is the meaning of life? Why is there so much beer and so little time? Why do I admire Homer Simpson so much?

The meaning of life is to have fun while always treating each other with respect. And some other philosophical mumbo-jumbo.

Because you sleep too much. Less sleep, more beer. It's that simple.

Because Homer is the premiere philosopher of our time. His wisdom cuts across the generations and all races, religions and genders.


How often do you spank it? Do you have a glory hole installed anywhere in your home?

Only when I get the urge. It really sucks that I'm usually hanging out near the jr. high when the urge hits though. 

No, not here. I did have three at my old apt. One in the closet that led into the neighbor's closet. Another in the bedroom that led into a different neighbor's bedroom and one in the floor leading into the downstairs neighbors apt. The one in the floor got the least action.  But, that’s only because the 94 year old man who lived downstairs wasn’t very steady on the ladder.  Poor guy. That fall looked like it must have hurt.



So, there ya go.  Fascinating stuff huh?  Anyway, you can go to my Formspring page and ask me anything you want, anytime you want.  You can even ask anonymously.

On Marriage ...

Okay, so TT was the first to ask and then Drowsey Monkey and Anndi both said that they also wanted to know: “How is it you've managed to stay single for so long?? Is there a commitment issue?”

First let me tell you that the story of my love life is not particularly interesting. In fact, there really isn’t a lot to tell. I’m not exactly the most suave dude when it comes to women.

But, the short answer the question of why I am not married is … Basically because I have pretty much NOT wanted to get married. And because there really hasn’t been anyone that was willing to marry me. So it’s worked out pretty well.

Part of it is because I’ve moved so much. I moved something like 17 times in an 18 year period. No, not 17 different cities, but it was kind of indicative of how my life was going. Nothing was all that stable. Women hate instability almost as much as prospective employers.

I also admit to having been really picky. WAY pickier than someone of my general averageness has any right to be. But, I couldn’t help it. The first rule I had was no kids. Now, when I say that I hate kids I’m not kidding. Okay, I am. But, I really just didn’t ever feel up to taking over as daddy for someone else’s kids. I in know way was judging single mothers. Hell, I was raised by a single mother! I agree that this was a pretty selfish attitude, but at least I was always honest about it. And then there is the fact that I’m pretty sure I would be a shitty father.

Although I do have to admit that now that I’m the big 4-OH, I’m finding that so many single women my age have older kids and even some have grown kids and that doesn’t bother me all that much. Besides, if anyone is looking for a “daddy” to pay for college, they aren’t looking at me! LOL

And then there is the “I’m not really where I want to be, but things will be better and more stable soon and that will be a better situation” thing. Yeah, that keeps happening too. And before you say it, YES, if I would stay in one freaking place and settle down a bit then this wouldn’t be a fucking problem. You got me on that one.

And then there’s my general lack of game when it comes to women. Don’t let my rugged good looks and boyish charm fool you. Or the fact that I have brought sexy back to the blogosphere. I have NO GAME when it comes to the babes. None. That’s why I’m going to have to have a contest where everyone comes up with a personal ad for me and I’ll pick a winner and post it sometime next year.

MOM: STOP READING

Just for the record here, I have had FOUR one night stands. But, despite my general lack of game, I have had TWO afternoon stands, ONE very late night stand, ONE mid-morning after class stand, ONE private booth at a strip club stand and ONE out back behind the dumpsters stand. Just thought I’d share. ;-)

MOM: YOU MAY RESUME READING

And then there’s the “the ones I wanted didn’t want me” thing. Okay, we’ve all been there. And admittedly there is the “I didn’t want the ones who wanted me” thing. But the second one hasn’t happened nearly as often as the first.

And I could go into a rant about how I am apparently too nice. It kind of looks to me like if I treated women like shit and was abusive and a cheater then the women would be all over me. Or at least it seems that way sometimes. But, I won’t go into that now.

So, why am I not married? As you see there are a number of reasons. Some of them are good reasons and some of them not so good. But it usually made sense to me at the time at least.

I Actually Accomplished Something ...

The Christmas and Hanukkah cards have been sent!

That’s right kids, more than 30 people across the U.S. and Canada now have both a handwriting and DNA sample from me.

What? The DNA sample is on the envelope you pervs!!

Anyway, that is done. Unless YOU were wanting a card and haven’t yet emailed me an address to send it too. Better hurry if you do!

--

Okay, how ‘bout I answer a couple more questions from way back when I asked if anyone had any …


The lovely and talented Scarlet wants to know if I will play “Truth or Dare” here on my blog. Hmmmm …. I’ll have to think about that one. You guys are pretty perverted so I would definitely have set boundaries if I did. I’ll think it over.

Jeff wants to know What was the mischievous thing you ever did growing up?

Well, as you know I was a very good kid who never got into any kind of trouble EVER. But, I would say the most mischievous thing was when, right after we all watched “Poltergeist” I snuck into my sister, Kell’s room and placed a clown doll on her bed. It scared the shit outta her. That was good times, man. Good times.

Apathy Lounge had three questions: 1) If you could ONLY watch one sport on television (and in real life)...what would it be?

Probably college football. It’s usually much more compelling than most other sporting events.

2)Do you call it dressing or stuffing? … Dressing.

3)Favorite kind of pie. … Apple. With some vanilla ice cream on the side.


And anonymous emailer asked: Blondes, Brunettes or Redheads?

Yes, please. ;-)

Okay, I know a lot of people who ALWAYS go for basically the same type of chick or guy. I remember when I was a kid a local funeral parlor director got a divorce. A couple of months later I saw him and his wife at the store and I turned to mom and said “I thought you said he got a divorce?” She was like “He did. That’s his new wife.”

I just looked at mom for a minute and she finally said “Yes, his new wife does look EXACTLY like is ex-wife.”

I don’t think I’m that way. I find all kinds of sexiness and attractiveness in all kinds of different women. Mostly it comes from them being smart and funny and nice people.

But, I do admit that I have always found dark-haired, dark-eyed chicks pretty hot.

Freakazodj asked: Question #1. What do you love most about yourself?

That I’m a pretty good friend who people can count on. I hope so anyway.


Question #2. Do you have a favourite (she’s Canadian so she gets to put that “u” in there) cheerleader (or group thereof)?

I love them all. ;-)

Moe Wanchuck asked: Jay....do ladies watch as much internet porn as guys like us do?

Well, this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I actually don’t watch very much porn. Most of it is boring and has bad lighting.

But, I’m guessing that women watch just about as much as I do and considerably less than you. ;-)


--


And finally if you’re wondering what that smell is, it’s the foul stench of failure that still lingers over my fantasy football team. I couldn’t even make the playoffs in my own freaking league.

I think it was kind of fitting to come into the final week of the regular season only needing a win to make the playoffs and have my guys all play like crap. You guys are such teases! Win two straight only to tank on the final week. Clever!

I especially want to thank David Gerrard for his steadfast refusal to stop throwing the ball to the other fucking team. Way to stick by you beliefs there dude!


Okay, that’s all I’ve got. I’ll be back tomorrow to discuss my love life.

A Few Answers and One Story ...

Okay, so you might remember that way back before I left for Thanksgiving I opened the floor for questions. So, I’ll answer some of them here today and then I’ll answer some others later.

Captain Corky asked: Are you ready to admit that the Colts are going to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl this year, or what?

No. The team to beat in the AFC is Pittsburgh.


Avitable asked: When applying peanut butter to your crotch for a dog to lick off, is it better to use creamy or chunky?

Chunky. You know, there really isn’t anything funnier than feeding a dog peanut butter. That shit gets stuck to the top of his mouth and it may take him 30 minutes to get it unstuck. Do that some night after you’ve been drinking and you’ve got some quality entertainment right there.


Newt asked: What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Pee. Then I check my email.

What is the last thing you do before you fall asleep at night?

Check my email then pee.


Mr. Vinny Bond asked: 1) how did you select such a punk-a** fantasy football team?

Hey that punk ass team is on the verge of making the playoffs thanks to Steve Slaton’s stunning performance on Monday Night Football!


2) When is your a** getting to Memphis and some beers and some Uncle Lou's Fried Chicken?

As soon as I can get a bullet-proof vest.

3) Are we really going to arrange an event to Tunica in the spring...get some people off their a**es for a blog-union of sorts?

I think that would be an excellent idea. Tunica would work. There are shows, buffets, gambling and … well, I don’t know what the strip clubs are like there, but we’ll figure something out.


Brad asked: What was your favorite toy as a child and what is your favorite toy as an adult?

Let’s see. Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots was really cool. I had these little hand-held electronic football and basketball games that I played A LOT. And various other electronic devices.

As an adult? My Real Doll.*


Catscratch asked: Please tell me, Jay.... Why is it you chose the Viking hat?

I didn’t choose the Viking Helmet. The Viking Helmet chose me. That’s the way those things work.


Anonymous asked: Have you ever had a sexual experience with another man?

Actually no. Not that I haven’t been asked though. Funny story. I went to Eureka Springs one day with two other dudes. They had something to do there and I just went with them cause I didn’t have anything else going on. Anyway, we hit this bar cause it said $1 longnecks on the sign. So we go in and order our beers and are just hanging out right? After a bit, I get up and go to the pisser. I get in there and they have these two urinals. So I’m doing my thing and I look over and there’s this dude looking at my junk! Then I realized he was actually looking at this mirror that was strategically placed on the wall so anyone who walks into the bathroom can get a look.

Needless to say I found that a bit strange.

So, I get back to our table and I’m not about to say anything to my buddies cause I don’t want to be the only one to experience that. So a few minutes later, both of my friends had to go to. Then, while they were gone, that dude who was checking me out in the bathroom comes up to me and starts trying to chat me up! Well, honestly sometimes it’s just nice to be asked, right?

Anyway, my friends both came back and were like. Dude. Did you see those mirrors? And I was trying to be all cool like and said “NO” Then one of them asks "You think this is a gay bar?" I was like "Well, the guy who just hit on me is probably gay. "

So, we stayed for a couple more beers anyway. I mean, $1 longnecks is a good deal. I think both of my friends were kind of jealous that they didn’t get hit on though.

So … uh .. what were we talking about? Oh yeah, the answer to that question is “No”.


Okay, that’s all for now. I’ll be back with more answers tomorrow.


* I keed, I keed. Those things are expensive as hell!