Marriage: Bad Idea? Or Worst Idea Ever?

Last Saturday on I'm With Stupid (what? So it took me a few days to get this posted) Matt-Man and I pretty much settled the whole “should people get married, stay single or just shack up?” question. The results are 1. shack up, 2. stay single and 3. get married if you must.

Seriously people, marriage just sucks and we all know it. Well, for everyone except you and you and .. you're lying so not you. You get the picture. After listening to Matt-Man run down all the ominous signs that he should have picked up on before the wedding and during the honeymoon, but didn't, marriage sounds very scary.

We also had an ad from our new Marriage and Divorce Planning Services business venture as well as a live report from Kim Fragile. All that and so damn much more fun and jocularity. Oh and BTR had a technical glitch and didn't cut us off at 45 minutes like usual. Boy are they sorry that happened. And so are we. We 66 minutes, which was 65 20 minutes too long.

Anyway, give it a listen if you need some quality entertainment at a fair price.

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

And, to thank you for listening here's former tennis great uber cutie Anna Kournikova who is the newest trainer on “The Biggest Loser” and who is celebrating her 30^th birthday today...

A More Perfect Union

Oh, how I Love this. A Taiwanese woman "uninspired by the men she has met" has officially married herself. There was a ceremony, honeymoon and everything.

One of my favorite monologues to do for auditions is always a woman who is attempting to register for gifts for herself even though she is not getting married. I think that this just sounds like sheer bliss. Not because I don't need or want a man in my life. I do. And, it's not because I am uninspired by the men I meet. I meet and date incredible men all the time (ever since getting my Man Picker fixed. )

[Side note: I actually had to take a moment just now to have a serious head-party to celebrate the fact that I have not dated one asshole since being demolished by the granddaddy of them all 4 years ago. That is HUGE for me - as my romantic diet up until then consisted almost entirely of men that I allowed to commit emotional and mental homicide.]

No, I have incredible men in my life - just haven't yet found my perfect fit. Friends often ask me if I don't want to grow old with someone. Yes, without question I do. Myself. I lived the majority of my life completely disconnected from my little stranger of a self. But, I am now in full possession of ME. I am finally head over heels in love with ME. I figure if I grow old with ME - then I am good to go. Would I like a partner to share life with - especially as I age? Sure. But, until he comes along and we sweep one another off our collective feet - I can imagine nothing better than having a commitment ceremony with myself and going on a honeymoon trip somewhere exotic completely alone.

In fact, I think that every single person should first be introduced to, and fall in love with, themselves; have a ceremony solidifying their commitment to themselves and experience taking a vacation totally alone, thoroughly enjoying their own company, before they are EVER allowed to commit to another person.

Despite my reservations, I support marriage - of both the gay and regular varieties. But, Self Marriage? Now, that is a train I can jump aboard without reservation.

Mawwiage

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wot bwings us togedew tooday. Mawwiage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... And wuv, twoo wuv, will fowow you fowevaw..."

So, I officiated my first wedding a week ago last Saturday. Ask me how violently tempted I was to begin in the above manner we have all come to know, love and quote. Honestly, what else could someone expect - asking one of the world's most irreverent people to perform their wedding ceremony? But I didn't. I began it like any normal person would - screaming, "What the hell are you thinking???"

Kidding. Sort of.

Dear friends of mine - he, a cinematographer and she, a make-up artist - asked me to marry their daughter. It was lovely and incredible and the feedback was humbling. I had several requests to other ceremonies which only solidified for me that which was my first thought when asked to do this one, "I guess I better start thinking about believing in marriage again, huh?"

It's funny, I am such an advocate for Gay Marriage but it dawned on me a while ago, that what I'm really a supporter of is equal rights - not necessarily marriage. Once upon a time it was all I dreamed about. Then I actually got married. And divorced. And have now been single and dating for ten years. I have been in and out of love, I have dumped and been dumped, been cheated on and lied to and had my heart broken more times than I can count. Somewhere along the way I threw up my hands and declared myself done. Somewhere along the way I became the bitter best friend in every Nora Ephron film - the one that has all the funny one liners that mask her loneliness and disappointment. Somewhere along the way I became the woman that gets the laughs but not the guy. And, somewhere along the way I decided that it was fine and that I no longer cared.

And then I was asked to officiate a wedding. Then I stood in front of a beautiful couple and their beautiful parents that have the beautifully-imperfect-yet-exactly-what-I-always-wanted marriage and felt a stirring. I remembered the conclusion that I came to a couple of years ago - that we get married to have a witness to our lives - and something shifted again. Granted, the shift was tiny. But it was there.

I'd like to believe in marriage. I do for others. For myself? Eh. Who knows? Wondering if I even care. I think I do. I guess I should be happy with the fact that, after everything, I still believe in love. Love is what it's really about anyway, right?

I'll figure it out. The love thing. The relationship thing. The marriage thing. And, while I'm figuring it out for myself I'm more than happy to support all of you all that are already there and already know what you want. When I know what I want I'll be closer to having it. And maybe I am already closer. Maybe it's not as complicated as I make it. Maybe I just haven't met HIM yet. Maybe he is just around the corner. Maybe he is already here and I just don't know it yet. Maybe that is still a ways off for me. Like I said, I'll figure it out. In the meantime I have my incredible kids and friends and work and passions and fun and chocolate and humor and sweet amorous adventures.

I love. I am loved. I am free. And I am happy. I finally have the cake and am fine to wait a while longer for the frosting. Cause then I get to lick it off of my Twoo Wuv.

And, what could be better than that?

* * *
Related Posts:
Dating Again
I Still Believe In Love Dammit
The First Kiss
Craving
Rescued
Making Rumi For Love
Simply Crushing
Remembering Love
A Witness

Why I'm Still Single ...

Not too long ago someone wrote an article for CNN.com about being single into her 40s.  The article was aimed mostly at women, but much of the same things apply to men.  The gist of the article was that most people assume there’s “something wrong” with anyone who reaches his/her 40s without ever having gotten married.

So, I thought I would list my reasons for not having gotten married yet:

- Prefer the wild and crazy life of a playboy.

- It’s the only way I can fulfill my dream of dying old and alone.

- I would feel guilty about being a dirty old man if I was married.

- I’m opposed to straight marriage.

- Call me weird, but having someone around who points out all my faults everyday doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.

- I just haven’t found the stripper I want to marry yet.

- How can I decide which blogger I’m going to marry if none of them will send me sexy pics?

- I’m still holding out for Natalie Portman


- I don’t like people messing with my stuff, like moving it around and going through my closets or drawers and shit.

- I haven’t found anyone I want to give half my fortune to.


Okay, so actually I made a little graph that is probably more realistic…

Danielle Don't Do It

Amendment to the amendment to the Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale...

...But, behold, if a Prince or Princess are royally gay - they shall not marry one another but shall be the best of friends. They shall travel to a state where ogres do not dwell and the handsome Prince will wed another handsome Prince and the beautiful Princess will wed another beautiful princess. And there shall be much merriment and equality and full bank accounts and properly placed toilet seats. And there will be farting.

And, yes, they too shall live Happily Ever After.

Amen.

Danielle Don't Do It
Danielle Don't Do It: Affirmation

Amendment To The Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

...And then one day, after both the Prince and Princess had given themselves years and years of adventures and growth and maturing and after much merriment and dating and drinking of Tequila and Scotch they discovered that they were lonely. They re-connected on Royal Facebook and they fell in love. And they rode motorcycles together and read books and he went camping with his friends and she went on retreats with hers. And he lived his life and she lived hers. And they slept together and deposited separately. And he lifted the toilet seat when he used it and she lowered it when it was her turn. And they were happy.

And the Prince asked the beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "YES!"

And they vowed to love and support one another and to not parent one another and to be responsible for their own happiness while still giving happiness to one another. And they still farted.

And then they lived, remarkably, Happily Ever After. Together.

An Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

I was forwarded the following email the other day:

Guy Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

I absolutely LOVE this but it is incomplete. I just have to add:

Gal Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Princess lived happily ever after and grew a pair and ran marathons and wrote books and traveled and got an education and her own bank account and dated men half her age and drank beer and Tequila and ate chocolate and had an ass the size she wanted and mothered the planet and never even gave the toilet seat a second thought and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

I'm just sayin...

Butts McCracken

Okay Internetland, time to be twelve years old again. I think these people got married just to entertain me. Bless 'em!






























Anybody know a guy with the last name of Nipple that I can marry?

On Marriage ...

Okay, so TT was the first to ask and then Drowsey Monkey and Anndi both said that they also wanted to know: “How is it you've managed to stay single for so long?? Is there a commitment issue?”

First let me tell you that the story of my love life is not particularly interesting. In fact, there really isn’t a lot to tell. I’m not exactly the most suave dude when it comes to women.

But, the short answer the question of why I am not married is … Basically because I have pretty much NOT wanted to get married. And because there really hasn’t been anyone that was willing to marry me. So it’s worked out pretty well.

Part of it is because I’ve moved so much. I moved something like 17 times in an 18 year period. No, not 17 different cities, but it was kind of indicative of how my life was going. Nothing was all that stable. Women hate instability almost as much as prospective employers.

I also admit to having been really picky. WAY pickier than someone of my general averageness has any right to be. But, I couldn’t help it. The first rule I had was no kids. Now, when I say that I hate kids I’m not kidding. Okay, I am. But, I really just didn’t ever feel up to taking over as daddy for someone else’s kids. I in know way was judging single mothers. Hell, I was raised by a single mother! I agree that this was a pretty selfish attitude, but at least I was always honest about it. And then there is the fact that I’m pretty sure I would be a shitty father.

Although I do have to admit that now that I’m the big 4-OH, I’m finding that so many single women my age have older kids and even some have grown kids and that doesn’t bother me all that much. Besides, if anyone is looking for a “daddy” to pay for college, they aren’t looking at me! LOL

And then there is the “I’m not really where I want to be, but things will be better and more stable soon and that will be a better situation” thing. Yeah, that keeps happening too. And before you say it, YES, if I would stay in one freaking place and settle down a bit then this wouldn’t be a fucking problem. You got me on that one.

And then there’s my general lack of game when it comes to women. Don’t let my rugged good looks and boyish charm fool you. Or the fact that I have brought sexy back to the blogosphere. I have NO GAME when it comes to the babes. None. That’s why I’m going to have to have a contest where everyone comes up with a personal ad for me and I’ll pick a winner and post it sometime next year.

MOM: STOP READING

Just for the record here, I have had FOUR one night stands. But, despite my general lack of game, I have had TWO afternoon stands, ONE very late night stand, ONE mid-morning after class stand, ONE private booth at a strip club stand and ONE out back behind the dumpsters stand. Just thought I’d share. ;-)

MOM: YOU MAY RESUME READING

And then there’s the “the ones I wanted didn’t want me” thing. Okay, we’ve all been there. And admittedly there is the “I didn’t want the ones who wanted me” thing. But the second one hasn’t happened nearly as often as the first.

And I could go into a rant about how I am apparently too nice. It kind of looks to me like if I treated women like shit and was abusive and a cheater then the women would be all over me. Or at least it seems that way sometimes. But, I won’t go into that now.

So, why am I not married? As you see there are a number of reasons. Some of them are good reasons and some of them not so good. But it usually made sense to me at the time at least.

We've Got to Let Love Rule ..

So it’s time again to make a toast to a couple of love birds! Real Live Lesbian’s girlfriend proposed to her last week. And I think you know what that means. Yup, another vlog toast!



You can read all about how the proposal went down RIGHT HERE.



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In other news …

Don’t feel so bad, Cubs fans …


There’s always next year.


Besides, anyone can have a bad century.