Dating Disasters ...

Another award winning show bitches!  Great stuff today and great calls from Mike, Dianne and Doc even called in from the tailgating at the Carolina Panthers game. 

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Mawwiage

"Mawwiage. Mawwiage is wot bwings us togedew tooday. Mawwiage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... And wuv, twoo wuv, will fowow you fowevaw..."

So, I officiated my first wedding a week ago last Saturday. Ask me how violently tempted I was to begin in the above manner we have all come to know, love and quote. Honestly, what else could someone expect - asking one of the world's most irreverent people to perform their wedding ceremony? But I didn't. I began it like any normal person would - screaming, "What the hell are you thinking???"

Kidding. Sort of.

Dear friends of mine - he, a cinematographer and she, a make-up artist - asked me to marry their daughter. It was lovely and incredible and the feedback was humbling. I had several requests to other ceremonies which only solidified for me that which was my first thought when asked to do this one, "I guess I better start thinking about believing in marriage again, huh?"

It's funny, I am such an advocate for Gay Marriage but it dawned on me a while ago, that what I'm really a supporter of is equal rights - not necessarily marriage. Once upon a time it was all I dreamed about. Then I actually got married. And divorced. And have now been single and dating for ten years. I have been in and out of love, I have dumped and been dumped, been cheated on and lied to and had my heart broken more times than I can count. Somewhere along the way I threw up my hands and declared myself done. Somewhere along the way I became the bitter best friend in every Nora Ephron film - the one that has all the funny one liners that mask her loneliness and disappointment. Somewhere along the way I became the woman that gets the laughs but not the guy. And, somewhere along the way I decided that it was fine and that I no longer cared.

And then I was asked to officiate a wedding. Then I stood in front of a beautiful couple and their beautiful parents that have the beautifully-imperfect-yet-exactly-what-I-always-wanted marriage and felt a stirring. I remembered the conclusion that I came to a couple of years ago - that we get married to have a witness to our lives - and something shifted again. Granted, the shift was tiny. But it was there.

I'd like to believe in marriage. I do for others. For myself? Eh. Who knows? Wondering if I even care. I think I do. I guess I should be happy with the fact that, after everything, I still believe in love. Love is what it's really about anyway, right?

I'll figure it out. The love thing. The relationship thing. The marriage thing. And, while I'm figuring it out for myself I'm more than happy to support all of you all that are already there and already know what you want. When I know what I want I'll be closer to having it. And maybe I am already closer. Maybe it's not as complicated as I make it. Maybe I just haven't met HIM yet. Maybe he is just around the corner. Maybe he is already here and I just don't know it yet. Maybe that is still a ways off for me. Like I said, I'll figure it out. In the meantime I have my incredible kids and friends and work and passions and fun and chocolate and humor and sweet amorous adventures.

I love. I am loved. I am free. And I am happy. I finally have the cake and am fine to wait a while longer for the frosting. Cause then I get to lick it off of my Twoo Wuv.

And, what could be better than that?

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Related Posts:
Dating Again
I Still Believe In Love Dammit
The First Kiss
Craving
Rescued
Making Rumi For Love
Simply Crushing
Remembering Love
A Witness

Someone Needs My Advice on Meeting Women ...

Anon asked:

So, there’s this chick that I really REALLY like.  She’s super cute and I think we would make a great couple together.  Problem is, I can’t seem to figure out how to get her attention and get her to notice me.  Got any ideas?

You’re in luck.  I’ve been in this same situation and I know just what to do.  First thing you do is google this chick.  See how much you can find out about her.  If you’re lucky you’ll find her phone number and maybe even home address.  Also, she might have an old Myspace page that she just left sitting there when she moved over to Facebook.  This is always a great place to learn more about your new victim love.

On that Myspace page you will probably find pictures of her. Maybe even some of her in a bikini.  Save those so you can make your shrine to her.  Also, you will find out who her friends are and what kind of music she loves and shit like that.

Then start learning the places she likes to hang out at.  Like coffee houses, bars, restaurants and if she likes to go for walks at the local park or whatever.  After you do this, start scouting those places out at different times of the day and find out when she’s there.

Don’t go in immediately.  Just sit back and watch.  It helps to wear a disguise and park in an inconspicuous location while doing your research.   Gather all the info you can.  Take pictures, make notes and be thorough.

Now that you have all this down, formulate your plan.  Start showing up at her favorite places and bumping into her.  Be like “HEY! Didn’t I just see you at Starbucks earlier today?” And she’ll be like “Oh yeah! I saw you there!”

You know why? Cause she noticed that you were wearing a t-shirt of her favorite band and ordering the exact same thing she was about to order.  THIS is where your research is paying off.  And, now? Now you’re at the park, staying shape like she likes to do and your walking your pet bulldog that you just got at the local animal shelter after reading her blog about how she still missed her pet bulldog “Brutus” that died when she was 12 on her old Myspace page that she forgot she had. 

This is important.  Don’t use her current Facebook page, blog or Twitter for research.  It needs to be on that old page she forgot about.  That way it won’t seem weird or creepy.

So, now you can ask her for her phone number and you’re in!  Just start calling her like every half hour asking her out and telling her how much you love her and how you can’t live without her.  Tell her how you saw her at her favorite bar the other night with her friends and how her ass was looking delicious in that short dress.  And then ask her about that guy she was grinding on while dancing.  Be forceful wanting to know who he is and stuff.

Then, tell her about how you were driving by her house every hour or so all night long and noticed that she seems to go to bed around midnight cause that’s when the lights go out.  And you saw that she leaves the house at around 7:30 in the morning.  But that you noticed that she didn’t get home until around 5 am the night you saw her at the bar and ask just what she was doing all night.

Finally, tell her about how you fantasize about her while you’re masturbating every single night.  Be graphic.  Don’t leave any details out.  Chicks really love that. 

Hope this helps.