She Rant #7: Waaaaay Too Much Information!!!

I was recently reminded of one of my biggest She-Peeves. Women telling other women, in vivid detail, about their man's private parts. Seriously???

I cannot tell you how many of my friends - not to mention, women I hardly know - have dropped the TMI bomb on me before I have time to plug my ears, scream, "La la la la la la la!" and curl up in a ball under my desk. Really? You really think that I need, or want, to know that your husband has a really low hanging scrotum, one ball, small penis, penis discolored a certain way from circumcision, crooked penis, purple polka-dot penis, or anything at all about his penis???

I do not, repeat - DO NOT, want to know anything about the junk belonging to your husband or boyfriend. I think this is such an incredible violation of your relationship. And I don't want to hang around him knowing that his balls touch his knees or that he curves to the left. Not that it makes me uncomfortable, it's just that he's not my guy - it's none of my business.

The only sort-of, kind-of, maybe exception is if your guy is large. Fine. He has a big dick. Bravo. I have no problem with the brief advertising of your circus pony and most guys I know that have Mr. Ed living in their pants actually prefer that information be passed around. It's like people knowing he owns a Lamborghini - not really something he's looking to hide. (Which is weird because, honestly, for us women... Never mind. Penis size. Maybe a post for another day. Or not.) But that's it! That's all the information I need. He's big. End of story. Keep shape, texture, color, and all other identifying information to yourself. I am begging you.

Women are really weird about this - somehow not understanding how boundary impaired and beyond inappropriate it is. Ladies, men get pissed about it for a reason. And, no, they don't do the same thing. Guys DO NOT sit around talking about the fact that your right boob is bigger than your left, the size of your clitoris, how your V-Jay-Jay looks, or the color and length of your vaginal stretch marks. Could you imagine how you'd feel if they did??? Horrified, right? IT'S THE SAME FREAKING THING!!!

I have actually warned my son about this - just so, when he is older he can lay down ground rules with girlfriends and wife. And you better believe that my daughter will be schooled in the ways of relationship boundaries, privacy and loyalty.

Can't believe it took me so long to bitch about this. Seriously, Ladies, I don't want to hear it and he doesn't want me, or anyone else, to know it. If you still insist on divulging then I give him full permission to tell his friend about your crooked nipple and low hanging labia.

It's only fair.

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Related Posts
She Rant #1: Sister Suffragettes
She Rant #2: What Is Wrong With This Picture?
She Rant #3: From Where I Stand
She Rant #4: The Toilet Seat
She Rant #5: Having Our Cake
She Rant #6: Cougariculous

A More Perfect Union

Oh, how I Love this. A Taiwanese woman "uninspired by the men she has met" has officially married herself. There was a ceremony, honeymoon and everything.

One of my favorite monologues to do for auditions is always a woman who is attempting to register for gifts for herself even though she is not getting married. I think that this just sounds like sheer bliss. Not because I don't need or want a man in my life. I do. And, it's not because I am uninspired by the men I meet. I meet and date incredible men all the time (ever since getting my Man Picker fixed. )

[Side note: I actually had to take a moment just now to have a serious head-party to celebrate the fact that I have not dated one asshole since being demolished by the granddaddy of them all 4 years ago. That is HUGE for me - as my romantic diet up until then consisted almost entirely of men that I allowed to commit emotional and mental homicide.]

No, I have incredible men in my life - just haven't yet found my perfect fit. Friends often ask me if I don't want to grow old with someone. Yes, without question I do. Myself. I lived the majority of my life completely disconnected from my little stranger of a self. But, I am now in full possession of ME. I am finally head over heels in love with ME. I figure if I grow old with ME - then I am good to go. Would I like a partner to share life with - especially as I age? Sure. But, until he comes along and we sweep one another off our collective feet - I can imagine nothing better than having a commitment ceremony with myself and going on a honeymoon trip somewhere exotic completely alone.

In fact, I think that every single person should first be introduced to, and fall in love with, themselves; have a ceremony solidifying their commitment to themselves and experience taking a vacation totally alone, thoroughly enjoying their own company, before they are EVER allowed to commit to another person.

Despite my reservations, I support marriage - of both the gay and regular varieties. But, Self Marriage? Now, that is a train I can jump aboard without reservation.

Friday Video: Embrace Life

This is, without question, the most beautiful ad I have ever seen. I saw it and was stunned to tears. Not only are it's visuals, and the emotions they elicit, extremely powerful but it also makes a very compelling argument for having real, supportive and solid relationships and not navigating the road of life alone and unprotected either. Sigh.

Buckling up. Something to think about.

Amendment To The Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

...And then one day, after both the Prince and Princess had given themselves years and years of adventures and growth and maturing and after much merriment and dating and drinking of Tequila and Scotch they discovered that they were lonely. They re-connected on Royal Facebook and they fell in love. And they rode motorcycles together and read books and he went camping with his friends and she went on retreats with hers. And he lived his life and she lived hers. And they slept together and deposited separately. And he lifted the toilet seat when he used it and she lowered it when it was her turn. And they were happy.

And the Prince asked the beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "YES!"

And they vowed to love and support one another and to not parent one another and to be responsible for their own happiness while still giving happiness to one another. And they still farted.

And then they lived, remarkably, Happily Ever After. Together.

An Equal Opportunity Fairy Tale

I was forwarded the following email the other day:

Guy Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

I absolutely LOVE this but it is incomplete. I just have to add:

Gal Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Princess lived happily ever after and grew a pair and ran marathons and wrote books and traveled and got an education and her own bank account and dated men half her age and drank beer and Tequila and ate chocolate and had an ass the size she wanted and mothered the planet and never even gave the toilet seat a second thought and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

I'm just sayin...