How come you are such a dick?
Well, this is just something that comes naturally to me. I can’t really help it. And, sometimes it’s because the person I’m dealing with is just an asshole. ;-)
What is the best thing you have ever gotten?
I really don’t know. I think that the bike I got when I was in like 3rd grade was pretty freaking awesome. There have been lots of other awesome things over the years too. What that hooker in Vegas gave me would NOT be on the list though.
Do you ask for directions when you get lost?
I really don’t get lost. I’m a very good map reader and have a good sense of direction. But, the few times that I have gotten lost and actually asked for directions, the person I asked has been of no help at all. So, I don’t really bother anymore.
Besides, it’s kind of embarrassing to stop and ask a convenience store clerk where Miss Mabel’s Gentleman’s Club and Pleasure Palace is.
One wish, seriously, what would it be?
Well, I guess I should wish for World Peace. I mean, if I don’t I’m a selfish jerk or something right? But, basically I would wish for happiness and security for my family and friends.
What is the best swear word(s) to use while in a Catholic confessional?
Oh, I’m pretty sure that priests love the word “cunt.”
What part of a dog do you find the most attractive?
Do you think that you'll ever be able to visit another planet?
Someday, yes we will be able to visit another planet. Maybe not in my lifetime, but there are too many people committed to making this happen for it not to. Not that I’ll ever take that trip, should it be available while I’m still alive.
If a train is going south at 62mph and a train is going North at 73mph and they are on the same tracks and 1 train has 102 cars & the other has 98 cars, what time do they serve lunch?
Lunch is served at 12:15 pm sharp! Please dress accordingly and bring a healthy appetite.
How much does a cup of tea cost in China?
Probably around 13.00 CNY
What is the wing velocity of an African sparrow?
I think the technical term for it is “hauling ass.” Which isn’t quite as fast as “A bat outta hell.”
After you wipe, do you look at the toilet paper before you drop it in the toilet?
No, I’m not all that fascinated by poop. I don’t normally inspect mine unless it was a rather painful experience. Or, if maybe it came running out really fast.
BTW, I don’t know if any of you guys ever eat Walmart’s Great Value Fruity Puffs, They’re good, but they turn my poop green. I just thought I’d share that with you.
What kind of cookies would you like me to bring you out in the bushes?
I’m a pretty regular guy, so just basic everyday chocolate chip cookies would be perfect for me. Unless you want to make some fancy cookies with icing on them. I love those too.
Just how many licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? and precisely how far is the distance between here and yonder?
The average person takes 69 licks. This was determined scientifically. Also, it was discovered that the average porn star only takes 21 licks. They’re professionals, ya know.
The distance between here and yonder is a One Country Mile.
What song would we be shocked to see on your iPod?
I have a bunch of Andy Griffith’s old time gospel music on there. I think that would surprise a lot of people.
I have like a really, really big butt. I sleep on my back. will this suck up my extra mass?
Nope, it just leaves a really awesome Kim Kardasianesque imprint on the mattress. However, unlike Kim, you won’t necessarily leave a big stain there.
What is the meaning of life? Why is there so much beer and so little time? Why do I admire Homer Simpson so much?
The meaning of life is to have fun while always treating each other with respect. And some other philosophical mumbo-jumbo.
Because you sleep too much. Less sleep, more beer. It's that simple.
Because Homer is the premiere philosopher of our time. His wisdom cuts across the generations and all races, religions and genders.
How often do you spank it? Do you have a glory hole installed anywhere in your home?
Only when I get the urge. It really sucks that I'm usually hanging out near the jr. high when the urge hits though.
No, not here. I did have three at my old apt. One in the closet that led into the neighbor's closet. Another in the bedroom that led into a different neighbor's bedroom and one in the floor leading into the downstairs neighbors apt. The one in the floor got the least action. But, that’s only because the 94 year old man who lived downstairs wasn’t very steady on the ladder. Poor guy. That fall looked like it must have hurt.
So, there ya go. Fascinating stuff huh? Anyway, you can go to my Formspring page and ask me anything you want, anytime you want. You can even ask anonymously.
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