Let's Get Wet!

After more than 70 years of oppression at the hands of the Nanny Staters and Moralists (basically the same thing) a majority of the residents of Boone County, Arkansas have voted to repeal the ban on the sale of intoxicating liquors within our borders.  The final vote tally was 7,582 who voted “Yes” and 6,756 who voted “No.” 

Pretty soon this is what my town will look like ..


Which will undoubtedly lead to this…


And this (at least I hope so)…



I’m very, VERY surprised that the “Wets” won this time.  But, apparently a lot of people took the Tea Party’s call to tell government to stop telling us how to live our lives, and to get out of the way of the community’s ability to grow and expand small business and applied it at the polls. 

How fucking great is that?

Hell, we didn’t just overturn the prohibition on the sale and manufacture of alcohol folks.  Oh hell no.  We overturned the whole damn city government.  Our incumbent mayor finished third in a three-way race and is done after only one term.  And, five of the six members of the city council who were up for reelection were defeated and the sixth finished second in a four-way race and will be in a runoff with Rock ‘n Roll star Johnny Savage!

Looks like we REALLY were ready to clean house and have a fresh start in these parts.  And, I totally approve.  This town desperately needed new blood and it looks like that’s what we’re going to get. 

And we’re gonna have a drink too.



Oh, and you know what else might suddenly appear?


Oh yeah baby!  

In fact, I’m thinking now is the perfect time for me to open my own club.  What do you guys think?  Yeah, I think it would be really cool too. 

So, ladies …. Send me your resumes!!!

Strip Club Rules ...

Another one from the mailbag:

Yo, Viking Dude, first of all I just wanted to let you know that you’re my fucking hero.  I’m serious.  I fucking love your blog and think you are the coolest cat around. 

Here’s my situation.  I think I’ve finally worked up the courage to go to a strip club this weekend.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice.

Thanks,
G-Dawg


G-Dawg,

Thanks for the kind words.  That was very nice of you to say.  It’s nice to get positive feedback every once in a while.  I mean sure all those sexy pics and love letters that women email to me are awesome, but sometimes having a stranger take the time to tell me how awesome I am is really nice too.

So, as for your question you’ve come to the right place dude.  Here is the information you need.

- First I recommend that you go during the day until you learn the ropes.  Things are usually more laid back during the day, the crowds are smaller (and less scary) and you can settle in better.

- BE NICE TO THE GIRLS.  I can’t stress this enough.  For the most part the girls are friendly and nice and they take a lot of shit from douche bags.  Don’t be one of them.

- TIP!  Go up to the stage, stand where you’re supposed to stand (learn from watching other people) and tip the girl.  And then .. SAY THANK YOU to the girl. 

- Don’t drink too much.  People say and do stupid things when they’re drunk.  By not drinking too much you won’t risk doing something that will get you physically removed from the club.

- Don’t start going to the club every single day.  That’s pathetic.  At least don’t go to the SAME club everyday.  Go to different places.  You don’t want the girls to look up and say “OMG, him AGAIN??”

- Fee free to ask the girls what the “rules” are.  They’ll probably ask you if you’ve been there before and then tell you the rules when you say “no” but if they don’t just ask.  They’ll appreciate your consideration.

- Don’t get all grabby.  Let her do her thing when getting a lap dance.  Also, keep your fucking tongue to yourself you sick fuck.  And don’t try to kiss her either.  The dancer sets the rules and you just follow her lead.

- Do not. I mean DO NOT bitch about the prices to the girls.  Anytime you complain about the price of a lap dance you are basically telling the girl she isn’t worth it.  That’s rude.  Besides, complaining about the prices also tells the girls that you’re a cheap bastard.

- TIP!  This one bears repeating. The girls are working hard. They’re trying to make sure you have a great experience and their time is worth paying for.  

- Maker her laugh.  Dancers put up with the absolute worst of society. Every single kind of asshole and rude, arrogant fuck come into their clubs every single day.  Instead of being one of those guys, be the one who made her laugh and feel good.  Compliment her and be casual and comfortable around her and just be a gentleman in general.

Okay, so the last two thing you are probably wanting to ask, or maybe the ONLY things are whether or not it’s okay to ask for “extras” in the VIP room or even ask her on a date.  Well, that’s a tough one.

Let’s just say “NO” to asking for extras.  If you happen to find a girl who does that, she will find a way to let you know that it’s available. 

Anyway, as for asking her out, after you’ve kind of gotten to know her a bit and have been to the club and are comfortable with her and have been VERY nice to her and generous then it is probably okay to ask her if she would like to get lunch or maybe some coffee sometime.  Don’t ask her if she wants to go home with you or go someplace like a bar or something.  If (uh well, WHEN actually) she says no, just tell her you understand and then continue to be nice to her. Don’t go all psycho stalker.  That’s basically why most dancers are so guarded. 

And one more time …. TIP THE DANCERS … This is their job. They’re there to make a living and pay their bills.  You are the customer and you are getting something from them of value (there time and the chance to see their boobies up close).  Expect to pay for it and be willing to do so.


And just for the hell of it, what Natalie Portman would look like as a stripper:

Golf Trick Shots and Beer Babes ...

So, I thought I would follow up yesterday’s crazy golf stuff post by telling you about two great moments.

The first one was a really cool trick shot I hit once.  I was playing in a high school tournament in Mt. Home and had hit my second shot on a par five hole to the left of the green and it stopped on a dirt cart path near a wall.  When I got up to the ball I found that I couldn’t get a good stance that allowed me to hit the ball towards the hole.  It looked like my only option would be to hit it onto the front of the green, but that would be a long ways from the hole.

I considered hitting left handed, but I was afraid that I would hit it way too hard that way.  Even if I used my putter.  But then I had an idea.  A brilliant idea!  I decided that I would bank the ball off the wall and down on the green.  I figured I didn’t have much to lose so I lined it up as best I could and hit it. 

The ball bounced off the wall, ran down the slope and onto the green.  Then it rolled across the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.  So then I tapped it in for my birdie and went on.

After the round I saw one of the Mt. Home guys arguing with his coach.  He was insisting that my trick shot was illegal, but his coach wasn’t listening.  That freaking little crybaby stomped off and then tried to convince the coach of another team.  He failed again.  I couldn’t believe that guy was trying so hard to ruin my great moment like that.  What an a-hole.

--

Also, Jesta, who you may remember as Mrs_JCC from my Cinco de Mayo post asked an interesting question yesterday …

Did golfing bring any trashy waitresses to your life? I'd be interested in reading about that!

Well, funny you should ask.  When we played in the state championships at the Arlington Golf Course in Hot Springs, we got to go down a day early and play a practice round.  Coach Hart wasn’t really a golf coach.  He was the strength and conditioning coach for the football team.  But, he did play and he was out there with us. 

Somewhere on the back nine this young (college aged) girl wearing short shorts and a low cut top came rolling up to us in a golf cart.  She stopped and said “Anyone want a beer?”

Well all four of us guys all said “YES!” at the very same moment that coach said “NO!”  We all laughed and told coach he could have one, we wouldn’t tell.  The girl then said “I won’t tell either.”  Again he refused and she told us she had soft drinks and candy bars so coach bought us all something to drink and eat. 

What a beer girl might look like..


The girl put on a nice show for us too.  She bent over and pulled each candy bar out of the cooler individually and handed them to us.  Then she did the same thing for the soft drinks.  Our eyes never left her ass.  Well, until she stood up and then our eyes never left her cleavage.  Hell, I don’t even remember what color her eyes or hair were.

But, the kicker came just after coach paid her for all our stuff when she told him “By the way, I dance at the Centerfold Lounge nights.  You should come by and see me.”

Here’s the sign for Centerfold Lounge in Springfield, MO.  I’m sure the one in Hot Springs is pretty similar..


Needless to say our day was shot.  None of could play golf anymore cause we were so busy laughing and needling coach Hart over his stripper girlfriend.  He was red faced the whole rest of the day.  But, he didn’t go to the club that night.  He was mostly afraid of what we would get into if he left us alone.  Probably a good fear to have.

Also, there were no beer girls working the day of the state tournament.  Total bummer.

Where Are My Stripper Friends?

So yesterday I talked about the celebrities who are following me on Twitter and how I’m now kind of a big deal over there. At least in my own mind I am. I would appreciate your not trying to inject reality into this thankyouverymuch.

But, even with my great triumph there is still something missing for me on Twitter. Something that leaves me feeling a little empty inside. Yes, I’m talking about the lack of strippers who are following me. I follow a few strippers on there, and I’m totally respectful to them. I reply to them from time to time nicely and even RT when they say something clever.

But do they follow me back? No, they don’t. And it hurts.

Look, I get that strippers are leery of people. People are always trying to hustle them or wanting to preach to them or be judgmental and shit. And most the men who they come across are just wanting to live out the dream of having a stripper girlfriend. You know the one where every day would consist of her bringing her hot stripper friends home and he would get all kinds of free lap dances and then do some blow off one of the strippers asses and then watch the girls put on a sex show and then have a MFFFFF orgy. So, I totally understand their being careful.

But, that’s not me at all. Oh sure, I wouldn’t turn down the party thing, but I’m not looking to use them or set them up for ridicule. I think anyone who has been paying attention around here for very long will know that I truly love and respect strippers. And it’s a crying shame that I don’t have any stripper friends.

I think they’re missing out. I’m a very supportive friend and I would never crush their dreams or disappoint them by becoming just another jerk who was just trying to fulfill his dream of banging a stripper.

I’ve done my best to prove this to them over the years. First I’ve never been a cheapskate with them. In San Antonio there was this club called the Wild Zebra. Every Wednesday was $5 lap dance on day shifts. Night shift was $10. But, did I go on Wednesdays? Hell NO! You know why? Because I thought half-priced lap dances was an insult to the girls. Not to mention a stupid business move. Think about it. If lap dances are half price on Wednesdays, why would anyone go to the club on Tuesday or Thursday? They wouldn’t. They would plan on going the half price night and then business would be dead on the other days. They’re just taking business away from themselves and the girls.

As a side note, I should totally own my own strip club. I’m pretty sure it would be the most awesomest club EVER! And the girls would love working there cause I would never screw them over and try to take a big percentage of the money the girls make like so many clubs do. And I would get rid of the DJs. Seriously, every DJ in every strip club in America is a total fucking douche. Fuck those guys.

Anyway, back to my point. And I do have one. I think.

As I was saying. I’ve been a great customer of strippers over the years. I don’t get grabby with the ladies. I’ve never tried to get any freebies, or and extras or anything like that. Okay, there was the one chick in Vegas, but that doesn’t count. I was bombed out of my mind and she was the cutest thing I had ever seen. Besides, she gave me a kiss and told me I was sweet. So it’s all good, right? And I was sweet. I mean, “freaking adorable” is probably a better way to describe me that night.

As I said, I’ve always been totally supportive of the girls. I’ve supported their dreams of going to college and law school or med school or just go and get their degrees and do something different with their lives. I’ve listened to them talk about their loser boyfriends or when they rag on other dancers. I’ve totally respected that! If a dancer tells me that another dancer is a bitch and to stay away from her, I do it. And, I’m a great cuddler.

So, since I think I’ve pretty much proven myself as probably the best stripper customer on the face of the Earth. And proven how much I love strippers. So, I have to say that it really hurts my feelings that none of them are following me back on Twitter. Or, here in the bloggerhood for that matter. Yeah, there are some stripper blogs out there and I’ve been nice enough to leave supportive comments from time to time on them. But, they never respond.

Sorry, I’m starting to tear up a bit. I don’t handle rejection well.




Injury report…

Matt-Man is still in the hospital and is hoping to be sent home on Saturday.

Gary has been sick and hopefully is getting better. If not, he might should go see a doctor.

Wreggie has Bacon Flu Hamthrax H1N1 (Swine) Flu. Get better fast Wreggie!