Hey-OOOOOOOOOO!

I should probably leave this to people with talent like Israel Carrasco, but I thought I'd try a few monologue jokes today...

A Florida school district is considering returning a $20,000 donation because the man who donated the money is a strip club owner. Officials found out the donor owned a strip club when the donation came in four suitcases full of one dollar bills.

Washington University at Saint Louis had to drop Bristol Palin as a speaker on a panel discussion that was set to be part of “Sexual Responsibility Week.” Maybe if they have a “Sexual Irresponsibility Week” sometime she could appear at that one.

President Obama and Sec. of State Clinton have called for an “orderly transition of power” in Egypt. Much like the one the U.S. will have in Jan of 2013.

There was some question over the weekend whether or not President Obama was really willing to let Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak fall. But, then Obama showed how serious he was when he de-friended Mubarak on Facebook.

Last week NASCAR announced a new scoring system. They said it was mainly to make things easier on their fans, who tend to struggle with basic math skills.

Tiger Wood's struggled in the first PGA tournament of the season this weekend. After the tournament he said he needed to find a Perkin's Family Restaurant NOW!

Friends of Charlie Sheen say that his biggest problem is that he needs to quit hanging out with other drug addicts and porn stars. So, he went into rehab.

Miley Cyrus was named “Worst Influence on Kids” by readers of AOL's Just So You Know. The cast of Jersey Shore say they're embarrassed to lose to Miley and vow to do more to be a worse influence on your kids next year.

A BBC reporter was roughed up by Egyptian police over the weekend. He got bandaged up and was back on the street reporting in a matter of minutes. Jay Cutler was amazed.

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Ever wondered what Mike (and Mrs. Mike) sounds like? Well, wonder no more cause he called into “I'm With Stupid” last week, and even though some people think the show is “crap” we had a good time with him as always...

Fun Times On The Golf Course ....

So, yesterday Mike had a pretty funny story about a friend of his having a tough day on the golf course.  I told him that he inspired me to tell a few of my golfing stories.  So, I will.

As I have mentioned here a few times I used to play a lot of golf.  And, I was actually pretty decent, if I do say so myself.  Not “go pro” good, but still an above average player who hit the ball really well and could play a lot of different shots.  But, sometimes weird things happen in golf.  So, I thought I would tell you about some of those weird things today.

- At the State Amateur there was a hole that was about 430 yards that ran along a road.  The fence was out of bounds.  I hit my drive onto the road. It bounced and kicked and skipped along until it hit a rock and shot back towards the fence.  When we got down there to the ball it was about 6 inches inside the fence in play only about 20 yards from the green.  I promptly dumped my chip shot into the sand trap and make double-bogey six anyway.

- In high school a friend of mine, we’ll call him “Ricky” cause that was his name, got a brand new Trans Am for graduation.  He parked in his usual spot and we played golf.  The ninth hole was a par three that brought us back to the club house.  Ricky pulled his tee shot hard to the left and it was sailing right at his new car.  He began screaming “NOOOOO!”  The ball landed a few feet in front of bounced right onto the hood of his car and skipped over roof.  Minimal damage which was good cause the rest of us were laughing so hard we were crying.

- A guy we’ll call “Fred” was teeing off from the first hole.  After talking big about how he was going to beat everybody and take their money he hit his drive off the heel of the club.  It shot straight left and hit the back of the ramp that went to the ladies room.  The ball bounced off the ramp and right back at Fred who had to dive for cover. 

- I was playing in a golf tournament in Charthage, MO and there was a pretty good crowd around the first tee watching everyone tee off.  After going through my usual pre-shot routine I unloaded on a drive.  It sounded like a cannon going off.  But, there was an immediate “thwack” sound. 

The ball had hit a limb hanging from a tree just to the right and in front of the tee box. The ball shot straight up in the air and then hit the (or a) limb again on the way down and bounced back onto the front of the tee box about 20 feet in front of me. 

I heard several gasps in the crowd and one “Well, I’ve never seen that happen before.”

- When playing a high school tournament in Mt. Home, AR once, one of the holes had an elevated tee that you had to climb stairs to get to.  Someone noticed a snake near the tee and went over and killed it.  After we teed off, he went back and picked up the snake and laid it across the tee for the next group to find. 

When we got to the green we looked back and saw four guys standing on the stairs of that tee box throwing tees and golf balls at the snake to see if it was still alive.

- Once while playing (badly) in Rogers, AR I hit a drive that sliced over towards one of the houses across the road that ran along the course.  Everyone cringed and waited for the sound of glass breaking.  Apparently the ball hit the side of the house or something in the garage because it made a really loud bang.  Then the ball came bounding back down the driveway towards the road.  I thought it might make its way all the way back on the course.

But, just as the ball got to the road, the family’s dog, a basset hound, came sprinting out of the garage chasing after the ball.  The dog picked up the ball in his mouth, turned around and ran back into the garage with it.  Never to be seen again.

- Another friend “SJ” hit a ball into someone’s yard once.  The homeowner was outside weed eating along the fence.  SJ said “Excuse me, I think I hit my ball into your yard.” The man stopped the weed eater, looked over his fence and said “Yup, it’s there.”  He then started his weed eater back up and went back to his yard work without saying another word.  So, we just moved along.


Okay, I’ll end there so this doesn’t get too long.  But, I will say that yesterday morning I saw this headline online:

“Tiger’s swing coach resigns.”

Yeah, a “swing coach” for someone with anywhere from 13 to 121 mistresses.  I admit it. My inner 13 year old laughed at that headline.  A lot.

Tiger Woods

Tiger's lost his family, endorsement deals, and now his eyebrows! Is nothing sacred?!

Tiger Woods' New Hat

Is anyone else tired of hearing about Tiger Woods? For crying out loud he's just an athlete. I went to the gym yesterday and when I got on the elliptical, they had breaking news on ESPN that Tiger was going to play in the Master's.

Fantastic. He's coming out of hiding after cheating on his wife and getting his ass kicked by her. Is some sort of hero now? Seriously - he has one of the hottest wives on the planet and he's two-timing with $20 whores and cocktail waitresses? Yes, I understand that he has a problem. That's kind of obvious in more ways that one. Do I have any sympathy for the billionaire athlete who destroyed his marriage and drove a wedge (or was it a 3-iron) between himself and his wife and children? Hell no.

Thirty minutes later when I finish my workout - they are still S.T.I.L.L. talking about Tiger Woods. Now they have special guests calling in to give their opinion about what this means for Tiger, golf, the Master's, ESPN, America, and the Federal deficit. OMG. And I hate golf, so it was a terrible workout. They could have put Ellen on the television and I would have been happier.

But there is good news in this. Because of Tiger's infidelity, he will be wearing a new hat. This time it is a white cap with the scarlet letter A on the front. For those of you that attended public schools in Baltimore City, you'll have to read this.

2009 - A Year In Review

This is way late, but like Martin O'Malley, I think we should just keep moving forward.

January

Chesley Sullenburger successfully lands a Charlotte-bound United Airlines Airbus A320 in the Hudson River after a double bird-strike over New York City. No passengers were injured and Sully is hailed as a hero. No word from United Airlines if the Hudson River will be a permanent layover stop for North Carolina-bound flights.

Americans saw the 43rd different man who was raised by a white woman to be sworn in as President of the United States. Obama quickly stated, "remember all those promises I made? Psych!!!"

Blogger Eludius goes under the knife to repair a hernia. He is forced to stay home from work for nearly 2 weeks, sleep, and watch dozens of movies. Eludius then spends the rest of the year trying to get additional hernias.

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon is indicted on 12 counts including perjury, theft, and misconduct. She ducks the critics and gives the O'Malley-esque ambiguous rhetoric that she needs to keep the city moving forward. Meanwhile, hundreds of poor children go without the toys as Mayor Dixon buys thousands of dollars worth of bling for herself.

Nadya Suleman, an only-child better known as the Octomom, gives birth to 316 babies at one time. She already has 75 children and hopes to have more. Her goal is to house an entire elementary school in her vagina.

February

The hated Pittsburgh Steelers won the 43rd Super Bowl defeating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23. Fortunately for viewers, half-time performer Bruce Springsteen did not have any wardrobe malfunctions.

Former Congressman Tom Daschle withdrawals his name for Secretary of Health and Human Services after it is revealed that he doesn't like to pay taxes. However, Timothy Geithner, who also didn't pay his taxes, is nominated and confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury, the cabinet position that is in charge of money, without question.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez admits to using performance enhancing steroids, but Major League Baseball declines to punish him because of his continued collapse in the playoffs.

President Obama announces that he is setting a date to end the war in Iraq. By 2752 all American soldiers will be out of the country.

March

President Obama quickly follows up his target date to end the war in Iraq by declaring a surge in the war in Afghanistan. Throngs of cheering liberals suddenly fall silent.

Later in the month President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declare the U.S. will spend $40 million to ensure that the elections in Afghanistan are free, safe, just, and that our guy gets elected.

April

World leaders at the G20 conference rally and commit to spending $1.1 trillion to fix the financial crisis. AIG gets most of that and promptly uses the money to pay their top executives million dollar bonuses.

North Korean President Kim Jong-Il is elected to his 5th term as President by the North Korean Parliament. Kim claimed that the entire North Korean army being inside Parliament at the time of the election in no way influenced the voting.

Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich is indicted on 16 felony counts of corruption for selling Obama's U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. Blogojevich is forced out of office and into a career in reality television shows, but the winning bidder, Roland Burris, is allowed to stay in office.

The University of North Carolina wins the men's NCAA Basketball Championship. I have nothing funny to say about it, other than my wife is making me put this on the list as she is a 1994 Tar Heel graduate.

The United States declares a public health emergency over the swine flu. Though some people die, millions of others get a mild flu-like symptoms that include temperatures and a sore throat, so they stay home from school or work and are forced to watch Drew Carey destroy what was The Price is Right.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announces his retirement after he fell off of the left-side of the bench. You may recall that the Socialist-sympathizing Souter wrote the opinion that the government has the right to confiscate your property and use it for other purposes if it will generate more tax revenue.

Unemployment reaches 8.5% while General Motors announces that it will scrap Pontiac. Instead, GM will focus on producing geriatric-centric vehicles like Buick and Chevrolet. GM then continues to lose ground in the auto industry and has no idea why.

May

The United States Senate passes tough new credit card laws designed to regulate the industry. Eager to beat the deadline before the law goes into effect, credit card companies dump millions of deadbeats and jack up interest rates to 75% on all of the other chumps.

June

Several days away from summer, the hated Pittsburgh Penguins won Lord Stanley's Cup in the NHL championship, defeating the Detroit Red Wings 4 games to 3. Sidney Crosby considered the best hockey player ever by ESPN, continued to prove that he is the 2nd best player on the team after Evgeni Malkin who totaled 36 points in the playoffs. It was 30° on the ice, but 80° outside. Several delusional Pittsburgh fans start cheering "Pittsburgh, city of champions!", but fortunately the Pirates still suck.

Also in June the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in the NBA championship. In a pre-tournament meeting the NBA referees decided to let the Lakers win after a 5 gave series and that Kobe Bryant would be allowed to foul as much as needed in order to get enough points to earn the MVP award. The referees and the NBA denied any wrong-doing.

Men who were teenagers in the late 1970's and early 1980's mourned the death of actress and poster-model Farrah Fawcett who passed away from anal cancer. Perhaps best known as Jill Munroe on Charlie's Angels, she was once married to Lee Majors, the Bionic Man, and was in a domestic partnership with Ryan O'Neal. She was 62.

Not to be outdone my Fawcett, Michael Jackson allegedly died the same day, the story being broken by TMZ, after being put to sleep by an anesthesiologist per MJ's request. However, critics claimed that Michael Jackson's soul has been dead for years and his body has only been functioning because of robotics and experimental cosmetics. Millions of emotionally unbalanced people swarmed Los Angeles to mourn his loss.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to lying to everyone and having an affair with an Argentine woman. A staunch critic of Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, Sanford refuses to step down because, as he stated, at least his girlfriend wasn't chubby.

Unemployment in the United States reaches 9.4% while Bernie Madoff swindled billions of dollars from investors in a Ponzi-scheme. Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in prison, at which time he plans to reopen his investment company and form an alliance with Morgan Stanley and turn a new leaf on life.

July

Alaskan Governor and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin resigns from office stating her desire to be the manager of her son-in-law's nude modeling career.

Three New Jersey mayors are arrested on corruption charges. Their names are Tony Soprano, Tony Gambino, and Tony Castellano. No one saw it coming.

Unemployment reaches 9.5% as Goldman Sachs reports a profit of $3.44 billion, most of the profit coming from the $3.44 billion in bailout money received from the Treasury. The company uses profits to pay its executives huge bonuses for their hard work.

August

Former Louisiana Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is convicted of bribery, racketeering, and money laundering. Investigators found money stashed in his freezer. Jefferson claimed it was safer in his freezer than in the stock market.

The great promoter of socialism for the common people, millionaire Senator Ted Kennedy, the drunken brother of former President John F. Kennedy and former Attorney General and Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, passed away after a valiant battle with brain cancer. Fortunately for Mr. Kennedy he didn't drown in a river after some drunk driver drove him off of a bridge and walked away and didn't report it to the police until the next day. Only common people go to jail for such things.

Obama pushes the Cash for Clunkers program to invigorate the economy. Used cars are required to be destroyed by filling them with deadly toxic acid and dumping them in junk yards. Liberals praise the program as a way to clean the environment. Meanwhile, millions of Americans by Japanese cars in August, but no one buys any cars for the rest of the year, sending car makers into an even greater depression.

Blogger Eludius celebrates his birthday while simultaneously being nominated by various anonymous readers as the best political blog in the universe.

September

Serena Williams loses her temper at the U.S. Open on a questionable call and excoriates the line judge by telling her she will shove her sister Venus down the judge's throat.

President Obama speaks to children across the nation via a special webcast. Initially created as a quick way to indoctrinate impressionable minds to the advantages of tax and spend liberal propaganda, parents riot and burn down schools and refuse to bring extra boxes of tissues to school until Obama changes his tune, which he eventually does. The new webcast is a 10 second blip of him telling kids to stay in school.

South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson yells out, "You lie!!" at Obama during a speech promoting socialized healthcare. Congressman Wilson is quickly rebuked for pointing out the Obama lies, but Wilson claims that he will refrain from speaking the truth in the future.

The Center for Disease Control announces that a swine flu vaccine will be available later in the year, just in time for the disease to have already infected everyone. In related news, the pork industry lobbies health officials to stop calling it the swine flu because pork sales are way down. The name for the disease will now be Rosie O'Donnell.

October

The New York Yankees purchased their 27th World Series title. Critics say that their $8 billion payroll is the reason, but General Manager Brian Cashman argues that he bought the World Series fair and square.

Federal employees are officially banned from texting while driving. The message was sent to the Blackberries of all federal employees during rush hour so that they could read the message while they were driving.

President Obama declares that his economic recovery plan has saved millions of jobs in the United States. He points to millions of people with jobs as evidence to support his claim.

General Motors announces that it will also discontinue the Saturn line after they finally realized that those cars are ugly as crap. The company will focus on subcompacts while sales continue to fall for the once thriving American car company, but executives still have no idea why.

Unemployment in the United States surges to 9.8% as Obama demands banks stop paying executives huge bonuses. Several bank executives suffer from sever joint strains while giving the President the finger.

November

Best known as the D.C. Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad was executed in Virginia by lethal injection. Neighboring Maryland Governor and raging anti-death penalty advocate Martin O'Malley condemned the execution and stated that we need to do more to protect the lives of mass murderers.

A shooting at Fort Hood in Texas claim the lives of 13 people with 31 injured. Self-proclaimed al-Qaida terrorist Army Major Malik Hasan is a prime suspect after he announced for months that jihad was necessary and he would kill everyone. Military officials continue to question him to find out if he is really the shooter and whether or not it is politically correct to imprison him.

Obama announces expanded government aid to people that are unable to pay their mortgages. Those that are nearly bankrupt, but have been making their payments are ineligible for aid. Those that have been having rave parties, driving Hummers, and spending what cash they have like a prostitute at a slot machine will continue to be eligible to receive tax-payer-backed funding.

December

GM Chief Executive Fritz Henderson resigns as he is tired of the government telling him what to do. As the largest shareholder, the government is pushing GM to produce tiny economy cars that seat 2, are made of plastic, and get 40 miles per gallon. Unfortunately for GM, Americans continue to buy Honda Accords that weigh 2000 pounds and get about 28 miles per gallon. Sales of GM cars continue to slide and no one has any idea why.

Police are called to the scene of an accident in Florida only to find Tiger Woods' vehicle smashed into a tree with Tiger lying on the ground with a 3 iron wrapped around his neck. Tiger's wife, Swedish model Elin Nordergren admits that Tiger went down 5 seconds into an ultimate fight club match with her after she found out that he was hooking up with trashy New Jersey waitresses. Tiger officially changes his name to Cheetah.

And that is 2009 as I remember it.

He's a Real Tiger....

"I always expect people to behave much better than I do. When they behave worse, I am frankly incredulous."
- Elaine Dundy, The Dud Avocado

He was the one who always reveled in the flaws of his competitors. He held them all in contempt. None of them lived up to his standards.

Phil Mickleson was a fraud and a fat, insincere prick. (which is true)
Vijay Singh was an asshole. (also true)
Davis Love III was an over privileged snob who played golf as a hobby and no drive to win because of his comfortable upbringing. (yep, that was true too. and it's still true of the vast majority of players on tour.)
Ernie Els was a choker.
Greg Norman? Washed up.
David Duval? Emotional wreck.
John Daly? Drunk redneck. (again, true)
Jesper Parnevick? Fashion disaster.

There was something wrong with each and every person on the PGA Tour. Except the perfect one. Tiger Woods was always the perfect one. The one who never choked (even when he did). The one who could do no wrong. The perfect human being with the perfect wife, perfect family and perfect life.

It was Tiger who would sit in the locker room at the country club hosting the latest tournament he deigned to play in, surrounded by his sycophants in the media, ripping on his fellow golfers. Making fun of them. Ridiculing all their faults and personal flaws. The media friends, you know, those sports journalists laughing up a storm with him, would then go out and lavish praise on Tiger on the air and in print while trashing, mocking and sitting in moral judgment of other golfers. It was just as he demanded. Ever step out of line, and accidentally criticize Tiger and you were out. Ever point out that he made a mistake, or question his motives and you were sent to Siberia. Your network, paper or other publication would take you off of golf coverage. Access to Tiger, the most popular and well known "athlete" in the world was all that mattered.

But now it's Tiger who everyone on tour will be looking down on. It's Tiger who they (and everyone else including late night comics) will be sitting around making jokes about.

"He drives in the fairway well, but doesn't fare well in the driveway."
"He gives a whole new meaning to 'Ram it in the hole!'"
"Apparently he's really good at playing in the rough."
"I hope Elin kept her left arm straight in her back swing when she clobbered Tiger."

They'll all look at him in disgust. "How could he do that to his family?" They'll ask. "Man, that guy is all kinds of fucked up." Others might say. And others will sit with their media buds and gossip about and rip on Tiger and his public transgressions.

And they, just like Tiger, will be ignoring their own hypocrisy. Forgetting that they engage in the very same behavior. But, that's what makes it so entertaining.

Yeah, yeah, I know. YOU don't care. YOU are above such salacious stories. Bullshit. Personally, I love this story and am fascinated and highly entertained by it. Not for the pain he has caused his family. I feel terrible about that. But for the fact that it confirms something that I have suspected for a long time. That Tiger is a bad guy. And I love being right about things like this. Remember my gloating over John Edwards? Yeah, that was some good times. I'm not quite as happy about being right about Tiger as I was Edwards, but it's close.

I've also been entertained over the last week or so by all psychobabble* from people trying to explain or even excuse Tiger's behavior. Some people have even go so far as to make up facts about Tiger's life to make it fit their particular beliefs. I've heard people claim that he was raised by a single parent. That's false. I've heard people claim he came from "nothing." Again false. Was he "Davis Love III" rich? No, but he didn't come from poverty either.

There are people who claim it was the death of his father, a very strong and central character in his life, that cause Tiger to "lose his way." Again, that's bull cause Tiger was a known hound dog way back in the day. Still others always take the opportunity in these types of situations to say that they're pretty sure the wife is just an impossible person, a Royal Spoiled Brat Bitch on Wheels type who probably drove him to this. More silliness. Even if she is, this type of behavior isn't justified by that.

One of my favorite arguments being pushed by people like Adrianne Curry is that Tiger isn't a celebrity (like her) so we shouldn't be talking about him. Sorry babe, but he's the most recognizable athlete in the world. He's a name brand. Corporate pitch man. He sells photos of himself and his wife and babies to the tabloids for big bucks. Only celebrities get to do things like that. Besides, just for fun, lets take pics of both Adrianne and Tiger and take them around the world and see who is the most recognizable.

Although, I should say that Adrianne's Twitter stream is quite entertaining. Mostly because she tends to post pics of herself paying WoW while high and nekkid. I support that type of thing.


Anyway, I have my own crazy, whacked out theory about Tiger:

Tiger is a just a bad guy. He's a piece of shit. He's just another entitled asshole who thinks the rules don't apply to him and he can do whatever and whoever he wants. He deserves it. He's selfish and self-indulgent and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. If it feels good, then he does it. If he wants to have unprotected sex with a 22 year old waitress from Perkins Family Restaurant in the backseat of his Escalade in a church parking lot, he should be able to. So what if it destroys his family. Fuck them.

Yeah, pretty radical theory huh? I just hope that if there's a divorce we get a good look at all of Tiger's financial dealings with unsavory characters like Venezuela's Chevron, oil oligarchs and Middle Eastern strongmen. That will be pretty entertaining too.

But, let's not all feel sorry for poor Tiger. He'll be fine. Next year during the Masters (which he'll win) he'll sit down for an well rehearsed, all questions and answers cleared by his lawyers, interview with the lead dog of Tiger's media sycophants, Jim Nantz. That, of course, would be the good, decent family values supporting Jim Nantz who himself is fresh off his own divorce after admitting to his own affairs. And, at the perfect moment (or the moment Woods' public image consultant tells hem to) Tiger will tear up and tell everyone how sorry he is. So, don't worry. Everything is going to be just fine.


Oh, and one other thing...

Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and me?

A: I like black women.



*Oh okay, if you want to push the "Child Star Syndrome" theory whereby Tiger is essentially a victim of his own success, starts to feel trapped and can't take the pressure which results in the subconscious acting out in a self-destructive manner and Tiger is powerless to stop it (and this run-on sentence) which leads to his falling further into a deep alcohol and prescription drug fueled depression where his self loathing is so great that the only comforting thoughts he has is that when the Ambien finally takes affect some night he might drift off to sleep and not wake up in the morning then I'm willing to listen. Kinda.