2009 - A Year In Review

This is way late, but like Martin O'Malley, I think we should just keep moving forward.

January

Chesley Sullenburger successfully lands a Charlotte-bound United Airlines Airbus A320 in the Hudson River after a double bird-strike over New York City. No passengers were injured and Sully is hailed as a hero. No word from United Airlines if the Hudson River will be a permanent layover stop for North Carolina-bound flights.

Americans saw the 43rd different man who was raised by a white woman to be sworn in as President of the United States. Obama quickly stated, "remember all those promises I made? Psych!!!"

Blogger Eludius goes under the knife to repair a hernia. He is forced to stay home from work for nearly 2 weeks, sleep, and watch dozens of movies. Eludius then spends the rest of the year trying to get additional hernias.

Baltimore Mayor Sheila Dixon is indicted on 12 counts including perjury, theft, and misconduct. She ducks the critics and gives the O'Malley-esque ambiguous rhetoric that she needs to keep the city moving forward. Meanwhile, hundreds of poor children go without the toys as Mayor Dixon buys thousands of dollars worth of bling for herself.

Nadya Suleman, an only-child better known as the Octomom, gives birth to 316 babies at one time. She already has 75 children and hopes to have more. Her goal is to house an entire elementary school in her vagina.

February

The hated Pittsburgh Steelers won the 43rd Super Bowl defeating the Arizona Cardinals 27-23. Fortunately for viewers, half-time performer Bruce Springsteen did not have any wardrobe malfunctions.

Former Congressman Tom Daschle withdrawals his name for Secretary of Health and Human Services after it is revealed that he doesn't like to pay taxes. However, Timothy Geithner, who also didn't pay his taxes, is nominated and confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury, the cabinet position that is in charge of money, without question.

New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez admits to using performance enhancing steroids, but Major League Baseball declines to punish him because of his continued collapse in the playoffs.

President Obama announces that he is setting a date to end the war in Iraq. By 2752 all American soldiers will be out of the country.

March

President Obama quickly follows up his target date to end the war in Iraq by declaring a surge in the war in Afghanistan. Throngs of cheering liberals suddenly fall silent.

Later in the month President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declare the U.S. will spend $40 million to ensure that the elections in Afghanistan are free, safe, just, and that our guy gets elected.

April

World leaders at the G20 conference rally and commit to spending $1.1 trillion to fix the financial crisis. AIG gets most of that and promptly uses the money to pay their top executives million dollar bonuses.

North Korean President Kim Jong-Il is elected to his 5th term as President by the North Korean Parliament. Kim claimed that the entire North Korean army being inside Parliament at the time of the election in no way influenced the voting.

Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich is indicted on 16 felony counts of corruption for selling Obama's U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. Blogojevich is forced out of office and into a career in reality television shows, but the winning bidder, Roland Burris, is allowed to stay in office.

The University of North Carolina wins the men's NCAA Basketball Championship. I have nothing funny to say about it, other than my wife is making me put this on the list as she is a 1994 Tar Heel graduate.

The United States declares a public health emergency over the swine flu. Though some people die, millions of others get a mild flu-like symptoms that include temperatures and a sore throat, so they stay home from school or work and are forced to watch Drew Carey destroy what was The Price is Right.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announces his retirement after he fell off of the left-side of the bench. You may recall that the Socialist-sympathizing Souter wrote the opinion that the government has the right to confiscate your property and use it for other purposes if it will generate more tax revenue.

Unemployment reaches 8.5% while General Motors announces that it will scrap Pontiac. Instead, GM will focus on producing geriatric-centric vehicles like Buick and Chevrolet. GM then continues to lose ground in the auto industry and has no idea why.

May

The United States Senate passes tough new credit card laws designed to regulate the industry. Eager to beat the deadline before the law goes into effect, credit card companies dump millions of deadbeats and jack up interest rates to 75% on all of the other chumps.

June

Several days away from summer, the hated Pittsburgh Penguins won Lord Stanley's Cup in the NHL championship, defeating the Detroit Red Wings 4 games to 3. Sidney Crosby considered the best hockey player ever by ESPN, continued to prove that he is the 2nd best player on the team after Evgeni Malkin who totaled 36 points in the playoffs. It was 30° on the ice, but 80° outside. Several delusional Pittsburgh fans start cheering "Pittsburgh, city of champions!", but fortunately the Pirates still suck.

Also in June the Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in the NBA championship. In a pre-tournament meeting the NBA referees decided to let the Lakers win after a 5 gave series and that Kobe Bryant would be allowed to foul as much as needed in order to get enough points to earn the MVP award. The referees and the NBA denied any wrong-doing.

Men who were teenagers in the late 1970's and early 1980's mourned the death of actress and poster-model Farrah Fawcett who passed away from anal cancer. Perhaps best known as Jill Munroe on Charlie's Angels, she was once married to Lee Majors, the Bionic Man, and was in a domestic partnership with Ryan O'Neal. She was 62.

Not to be outdone my Fawcett, Michael Jackson allegedly died the same day, the story being broken by TMZ, after being put to sleep by an anesthesiologist per MJ's request. However, critics claimed that Michael Jackson's soul has been dead for years and his body has only been functioning because of robotics and experimental cosmetics. Millions of emotionally unbalanced people swarmed Los Angeles to mourn his loss.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to lying to everyone and having an affair with an Argentine woman. A staunch critic of Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky, Sanford refuses to step down because, as he stated, at least his girlfriend wasn't chubby.

Unemployment in the United States reaches 9.4% while Bernie Madoff swindled billions of dollars from investors in a Ponzi-scheme. Madoff is sentenced to 150 years in prison, at which time he plans to reopen his investment company and form an alliance with Morgan Stanley and turn a new leaf on life.

July

Alaskan Governor and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin resigns from office stating her desire to be the manager of her son-in-law's nude modeling career.

Three New Jersey mayors are arrested on corruption charges. Their names are Tony Soprano, Tony Gambino, and Tony Castellano. No one saw it coming.

Unemployment reaches 9.5% as Goldman Sachs reports a profit of $3.44 billion, most of the profit coming from the $3.44 billion in bailout money received from the Treasury. The company uses profits to pay its executives huge bonuses for their hard work.

August

Former Louisiana Democratic Congressman William Jefferson is convicted of bribery, racketeering, and money laundering. Investigators found money stashed in his freezer. Jefferson claimed it was safer in his freezer than in the stock market.

The great promoter of socialism for the common people, millionaire Senator Ted Kennedy, the drunken brother of former President John F. Kennedy and former Attorney General and Presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, passed away after a valiant battle with brain cancer. Fortunately for Mr. Kennedy he didn't drown in a river after some drunk driver drove him off of a bridge and walked away and didn't report it to the police until the next day. Only common people go to jail for such things.

Obama pushes the Cash for Clunkers program to invigorate the economy. Used cars are required to be destroyed by filling them with deadly toxic acid and dumping them in junk yards. Liberals praise the program as a way to clean the environment. Meanwhile, millions of Americans by Japanese cars in August, but no one buys any cars for the rest of the year, sending car makers into an even greater depression.

Blogger Eludius celebrates his birthday while simultaneously being nominated by various anonymous readers as the best political blog in the universe.

September

Serena Williams loses her temper at the U.S. Open on a questionable call and excoriates the line judge by telling her she will shove her sister Venus down the judge's throat.

President Obama speaks to children across the nation via a special webcast. Initially created as a quick way to indoctrinate impressionable minds to the advantages of tax and spend liberal propaganda, parents riot and burn down schools and refuse to bring extra boxes of tissues to school until Obama changes his tune, which he eventually does. The new webcast is a 10 second blip of him telling kids to stay in school.

South Carolina Republican Joe Wilson yells out, "You lie!!" at Obama during a speech promoting socialized healthcare. Congressman Wilson is quickly rebuked for pointing out the Obama lies, but Wilson claims that he will refrain from speaking the truth in the future.

The Center for Disease Control announces that a swine flu vaccine will be available later in the year, just in time for the disease to have already infected everyone. In related news, the pork industry lobbies health officials to stop calling it the swine flu because pork sales are way down. The name for the disease will now be Rosie O'Donnell.

October

The New York Yankees purchased their 27th World Series title. Critics say that their $8 billion payroll is the reason, but General Manager Brian Cashman argues that he bought the World Series fair and square.

Federal employees are officially banned from texting while driving. The message was sent to the Blackberries of all federal employees during rush hour so that they could read the message while they were driving.

President Obama declares that his economic recovery plan has saved millions of jobs in the United States. He points to millions of people with jobs as evidence to support his claim.

General Motors announces that it will also discontinue the Saturn line after they finally realized that those cars are ugly as crap. The company will focus on subcompacts while sales continue to fall for the once thriving American car company, but executives still have no idea why.

Unemployment in the United States surges to 9.8% as Obama demands banks stop paying executives huge bonuses. Several bank executives suffer from sever joint strains while giving the President the finger.

November

Best known as the D.C. Beltway Sniper, John Allen Muhammad was executed in Virginia by lethal injection. Neighboring Maryland Governor and raging anti-death penalty advocate Martin O'Malley condemned the execution and stated that we need to do more to protect the lives of mass murderers.

A shooting at Fort Hood in Texas claim the lives of 13 people with 31 injured. Self-proclaimed al-Qaida terrorist Army Major Malik Hasan is a prime suspect after he announced for months that jihad was necessary and he would kill everyone. Military officials continue to question him to find out if he is really the shooter and whether or not it is politically correct to imprison him.

Obama announces expanded government aid to people that are unable to pay their mortgages. Those that are nearly bankrupt, but have been making their payments are ineligible for aid. Those that have been having rave parties, driving Hummers, and spending what cash they have like a prostitute at a slot machine will continue to be eligible to receive tax-payer-backed funding.

December

GM Chief Executive Fritz Henderson resigns as he is tired of the government telling him what to do. As the largest shareholder, the government is pushing GM to produce tiny economy cars that seat 2, are made of plastic, and get 40 miles per gallon. Unfortunately for GM, Americans continue to buy Honda Accords that weigh 2000 pounds and get about 28 miles per gallon. Sales of GM cars continue to slide and no one has any idea why.

Police are called to the scene of an accident in Florida only to find Tiger Woods' vehicle smashed into a tree with Tiger lying on the ground with a 3 iron wrapped around his neck. Tiger's wife, Swedish model Elin Nordergren admits that Tiger went down 5 seconds into an ultimate fight club match with her after she found out that he was hooking up with trashy New Jersey waitresses. Tiger officially changes his name to Cheetah.

And that is 2009 as I remember it.

2008 - A Year In Review

The year 2008 started as any year does – Dick Clark pitifully stumbling through the Rockin’ New Year’s broadcast, but humbly being supported by Ryan Seacrest. While I spent the next morning rising early and feeding breakfast to my kids, most people my age went to bed already hung-over and wishing they were someone else.

The year was full of fun and exciting events, some good, some bad, most depending on your perspective. Without any further waste of your time, here is the year as I saw it:

January

Professional con-artists Martin O'Malley gleefully announces that tuition at the University of Maryland system will not increase, making higher education more affordable to the hard working people of the state. This was one of his election priorities, along with raising taxes and increasing spending. While tuition does not increase at the University of Maryland system, mandatory lab fees are raised from $150 per semester to $25,000 per semester.

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment. The toxicology report indicated that his body contained 6 different drugs and was ruled an "accidental overdose". How taking 6 drugs and dying can be considered accidental is beyond my comprehension. Ledger will best be known as the gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain and the crazy Joker in The Dark Knight.

February

The New England Patriots and the New York Giants meet in the Super Bowl. The Patriots enter the game with the longest winning streak in NFL history and a perfect season. The Giants of suburban New Jersey promptly embarrass the boys from the suburbs of Boston. At the conclusion of the Super Bowl, Brett Favre retires from football, but before more overpriced bad commercials can air he changes his mind and decides to play until he’s 57.

Mid-February saw the end of the Hollywood writers’ strike, ending nearly 2 months of reprieve for the viewing public. Unfortunately, some of the terms of the deal included more reality television shows and 6 new versions of CSI.

The billionaire Dictator of impoverished Cuba, Fidel Castro, announces he will resign from office effective February 24^th. Officially his resignation is due to declining health, but rumors have been circulating for several years that he has been dead. Miraculously his brother Raúl is unanimously elected to be his replacement by the Cuban National Assembly whose members voted under gun point by Fidel's troops.

March

New York Governor Elliot Spitzer resigns after it is revealed that he's been having a relationship with a prostitute. Comedians across the nation have a field day. How obvious do the jokes have to be when your last name is 'Spitzer'? I mean, that's a hard joke to swallow.

Brett Favre continues to make his annual retirement announcements. The Green Bay Packers finally declare that Aaron Rogers is their new quarterback, prompting Favre to unretire. Unfortunately, the Packers are tired of his ritual and do not offer him an invitation to training camp.

Arizona Senator John McCain seals the deal to become the Republican nominee for President. At 106 years old, he’s the oldest nominated candidate in the history of the United States. And by the way, he’s a maverick.

April

Kansas defeats Memphis in overtime in the NCAA basketball tournament. Unfortunately, Big South conference power-house Winthrop University didn't make it past the first round.

A polygamist camp in Texas is raided on a tip that men are marrying more than one woman and having sex with underage girls. Federal authorities safely remove 416 children from the government-funded compound. The brain-washed zombie mothers are interviewed on television and deny that the men are polygamists. The thought of being with multiple ladies briefly excites the majority of the male population of the country. However, their attitudes quickly change when they realize that one nagging wife is difficult enough. Imagine if all 25 of your wives were nagging you while you were trying to watch the football game. It just wouldn't be worth it.

May

Nothing significant happens in the entire month of May. So to fill space, have you seen the new Baltimore Sun lately? Due to cut backs and continuing decline in revenue, management makes some more cuts to the staff and the printed paper. The paper now consists of 2 sections – the front page and the back page. My – how times have changed.

June

With just a couple of weeks until summer, the Detroit Red Wings defeat the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup Championship. The most popular souvenirs are the Red Wings tank top/Bermuda shorts combo and the Pittsburgh Penguin bathing suits. Less important, Detroit wins the series 4-2, but Sydney Crosby scores 2 goals in the series and ESPN declares him the best hockey player of all-time during their annual 15 seconds worth of hockey coverage.

A couple of weeks later, the Boston Celtics defeat the Los Angeles Lakes in the 75th NBA finals featuring these 2 teams. Interestingly, the NBA first had to overcome a logistical nightmare when they realized that the playoffs actually overlap the ‘08-‘09 pre-season schedule by 3 weeks. The problem is initially blamed on George W. Bush’s failed economic policies, but later attributed it to 2008 being a Leap Year.

Hollywood celebrated the birth of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby. Jamie Lynn Spears, the former star of Nickelodeon show Zoey 101, was 16 when she got pregnant. Additionally, she is the hot-mess sister Britney Spears, the former hot-mess pop-singer turned hot-mess basket-case socialite. Nickelodeon promptly drops the show in favor of new teenage sitcoms starring actresses that they hope can stay sexually responsible for at least a few seasons.

Anti-religion comedian George Carlin died at age 71. The often-cured drug and alcohol addict is best known for his 7 deadly words routine, in addition to many other profanity-laden skits. He once said that we should think about how stupid the average American is, then realize that half of the country is stupider than that person. Surprisingly he did not die from drugs, alcohol, or abusive language. But after arriving at the Pearly Gates, God looked at him and said, "Are you F-in kidding me? You want to come in here?

July

Oil prices hit $147 per barrel, causing gas prices to spike to $4 per gallon in most places across the country except in California, where they are even higher. Environmentalists predict $1000 per barrel oil by year-end, hurried global warming, and the total annihilation of the polar bears. Meanwhile, July goes down as the coldest July in recorded history.

Perennial presidential candidate John Edwards admits that he's been having an affair with Elliot Spitzer. He says that he asked his wife for forgiveness. Then he asked God for forgiveness. No word on whether he asked for forgiveness from the thousands of obstetric doctors that quit their practice in North Carolina after he sued them for millions of dollars for malpractice while he was a trial lawyer.

Maryland House of Delegates member Kumar Barve gets probation before judgment for his drunk-driving arrest after he repeatedly points out to the judge, one of his fellow drinking buddies, that he has taken a tough stance on drunk-driving laws.

August

The summer Olympics are held in Communist China's capital of Beijing. To help with the inhuman health conditions of the city, China bans automobiles for several weeks, limits the amount of time that its citizens are allowed to breathe, and paints the grass green. Furthermore, the military jails tens of thousands of civilians that they suspect will cause problems. China is unable to imprison Michael Phelps and his giraffe-like arms and he swims away with 8 gold medals. Unfortunately, the medals are tainted with led paint and have to be recalled.

Democratic Presidential candidate Obama selects Joe Biden, a U.S. Senator from Delaware, to be his running mate. Obama must have been impressed when Biden said, "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." (February 9, 2007)

Brett Favre signs with the Jets, then announces his retirement. When he unretires 5 minutes later the Jets get rid of their quarterback, Chad Pennington.

Republican Presidential candidate McCain announces that in addition to being a maverick, he has selected Alaska Governor Tina Fey to be his running mate. Her twin sister Sarah Palin returns to Saturday Night Live to spoof her. Do I have that backwards? I'm not sure. But I am sure that McCain would have done better if had selected Tina Fey as his running mate.

September

Hurricane Ike slams into Galveston, Texas doing millions of dollars worth of improvements. Hundreds of residents whine, cry, and complain that their million dollar beach front homes are ruined and demand a bailout.

Joe Biden, while speaking at a political event, shows some more grace under fire and says to wheelchair-bound Missouri state senator Charles Graham, "Stand up, Chuck, let ‘em see you."

The world's largest insurer, A.I.G. comes to the Federal Reserve, hat in hand, and asks for a bailout for bad investments. When asked how much, A.I.G. responds with $85 Billion. Asked how they came up with that number they say it came out of this hat in their hand. Over the next several months, A.I.G. gets billions more with threats that the financial world will collapse if they don't get it. A.I.G. then throws a huge multi-million dollar party and gives its executives millions of dollars in "retainer" fees. IOU’s are then converted to FU’s.

Still one of the handsomest men in showbiz, 83 year old actor Paul Newman succumbs to lung cancer. Upon arriving in heaven, God quickly pushes Carlin aside and allows Newman fast-track entrance because Cool Hand Luke, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and The Sting are among God’s favorite movies.

In one dramatic day Lehman Brothers declares bankruptcy and Merrill Lynch is sold to Bank of America. These 2 former mighty organizations blame their collapse on big bets on subprime mortgages that were made to people who didn't qualify for mortgages. To save face, both organizations articulately explain their shock when calculations reveal that most people that make $25K per year cannot afford $4000/month mortgages. Congress immediately starts making pledges to stop this housing crisis and help keep people that aren't qualified to own homes to remain in their homes.

October

The World Series features 2 of the most unlikely of opponents - the Tampa Rays (or whatever they call themselves this year) and the Philadelphia Phillies. The Phillies win it 4 games to 1 giving the city of Brotherly Crime its first championship in 25 years. The Flyers and the 76ers are relieved as they can now go a few more decades with abysmal records before someone notices. In a related story, the Orioles are mathematically eliminated from the 2009 playoffs.

Vice Presidential Candidate and former plagiarist Joe Biden criticizes John McCain by saying, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number one problem facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word; jobs. J-O-B-S." However, Biden is later criticized for not recognizing that McCain is a maverick.

With the economic crisis in full swing, Circuit City, Kay-Bee Toys, Linens ‘n Things, and the Maryland Republican Party file for bankruptcy, all claiming they have no resources to continue operating successfully.

November
Election

After 6 years of election campaigning, it is finally over. Americans decide that they are tired of Republicans and boot most of them out of office. Barrack Obama wins on a pledge of change, a change which he never specifies, but does mention that he's cool and wishes there was a college football playoff, a national policy that most Americans can relate to. The 2012 Presidential campaign can now officially get underway.

On the other side, Americans and world leaders announce that they now look forward to a world without Bush. Playboy responds that there hasn't been any Bush in 15 years.

In Maryland, condescending hard left-wing liberal Governor Martin O'Malley and his fire breathing socialist cronies in the General Assembly decide to allow Maryland voters to decide if slots should be allowed in the state. O'Malley, who had previously been against slots when he was busy attacking former Republican Governor Ehrlich who backed the idea, suddenly favors the plan as a way to generate much needed revenue for the state. However, in a move of pure genius, the Constitutional referendum absolves him and other Democrats of having their name tied to the vote and makes it nearly impossible to remove slots from Maryland. It will take Marylanders decades to figure out how to get out of this one.

General Motors and Ford fly their executives on luxurious private jets to request billions of dollars of bailout money from Congress. They claim they need the money to continue paying their union employees more than $30 per hour and to refuel their luxury jets on the flight back to Detroit. This move receives mass criticism from the press, so on their next journey to Washington to ask for billions of dollars, both hitch rides in '72 Pintos.

December

In another act of brilliance, Obama selects former carpet-bagging Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to be his Secretary of State. Not only does this remove her from a highly respected and powerful New York Senatorial role where she can openly criticize him, he now also has the power to fire her.

Unconvicted murderer O.J. Simpson is convicted of armed robbery in a Las Vegas hotel. Leaks indicated that the jurors wanted to put him up for the death penalty, but were talked down to 9 years to life in prison. When asked if the harsh sentence was retribution for the failure of the jury to convict him of murder back in the 1990’s, one insightful juror pointed to Karma, but didn’t rule out the bloody glove.

Illinois Governor Rod Blogojevich is arrested by the FBI for conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery when he attempts to sell outgoing U.S. Senator Obama’s seat to the highest bidder. Most experts admit that the FBI does not have enough evidence to convict him, but perhaps they can still hold him indefinitely at Gitmo for having the worst haircut in the United States.

Martin O'Malley receives feedback from the panel members that he appointed to review the death penalty. The members, all of whom he selected for their vocal hatred of the death penalty, shockingly recommend that the death penalty be abolished. Gun-toting thugs in Baltimore City rejoice at this recommendation by murdering over 234 more people this year.

The New York Yankees sign C.C. Sabathia for $161 million, A.J. Burnett for $82.5 million, and Mark Teixeira, who has no cool first initials, to $180 million. Add that to the existing contracts of Alex Rodriguez' $275 million and Derek Jeter's $189 million and the Yankees have a payroll higher than the GDP of France. Rumors spread that A.I.G. and General Motors ask the Yankees for a bailout loan.

In other O'Malley news, he announces furloughs of state employees. This will save the state $34 million dollars. In his humble sad way he claims that this is a tough decision, but fails to cite raising the budget by several billion dollars last year as one of the causes.

Oil sinks to under $40 per barrel, a 71% decrease from the July peak. Polar bears are thrilled.

The NFL regular season ends and Brett Favre announces that he needs surgery, which may mean that he has to retire again. The Jets then decide to promote their backup quarterback to starter, but then realize that he now plays for the Miami Dolphins.

After weeks of taunting Israel with rocket attacks, Hezbollah-controlled areas of Gaza are flattened by Israeli F-16's. The world reacts in horror wondering how Israel could be so callous.

And there you have – all that you need to know about 2008. Let’s hope for a good 2009, but keep expectations realistic. Most likely it will suck.