Lent 2011: It's Gonna Be Fu ... uh ... Difficult ...

Friends, Bloggers, Lurkers … Lent me your ears.

Oh man, that was so corny it was good.

Anyway, you what time of year it is kids? That's right! It's time for people who AREN'T giving anything up for lent to criticize what others ARE giving up. I've been struggling mightily trying to decide what to give up from my already Spartan lifestyle. I put out the call on Twitter yesterday and got all kinds of ideas. Most just down right unacceptable. Things like pork, alcohol, Pepsi and the silliest of all, Gilmore Girls reruns. Folks, I gotta draw the line somewhere. And giving up Lorelai and Rory just isn't gonna happen.

Neither is pork. Even though the person who suggested it is a beautiful, smart, sweet and all-around wonderful human being. Sorry Sweet Pea, but if I give up pork, I might as well convert to Judaism or Islam. And then, I wouldn't need to come up with something to give up during lent. Of course, I'm not Catholic either, and Methodists rarely participate in lent. Then again, I haven't stepped foot in a Methodist Church in years either. I'm really just a regular, every day, non-denominational Christian who should probably stop using the Lord's name in vein and shit like that.

Oh wow! What a great idea that would be. Give up cussing for lent! Cause, you know, I really should give up cussing anyway. It's a terrible habit. Even though I am really good at it. I know my mother would probably love that. Hold on, let me see what she thinks.

Me: “While doing my blog post, I came up with a great idea for lent.”

Mom: *rolling her eyes and sighing* “What's that?”

Me: “I could give up cussing.”

Mom: *sounding a little skeptical* “Well, if you just gave up the 'F-Word' it would help.”

Me: “Help with what? What are you saying here?”

Mom: “Oh nothing. I'm just saying giving up that word would help.”

I assume she means “Help with Jesus.”

GAWD damn, she's right! This could be a great way to get on Jesus' good side. He and I haven't been getting along all that great for a while now. This will allow me to prove that I'm making a good faith effort to be BFFs with him. And, maybe he'll let our upcoming “Easter Extravaganza” coming up in a few weeks on “I'm With Stupid” go. Cause YOU KNOW that show is gonna be offensive.

Of course, if I do this, Jesus and I are going to have to work out some details. Like, I'm going to need a couple of waivers. Hey, we've done this type of agreement before. The last couple of years I've given up junk food and alcohol for lent and Jesus gave me a waiver for my birthday. So, this year I'm probably going to need a waiver for anytime anyone at Fox News does something really fucking stupid.

Like when Steve Doocey says that it's easy to beat DNA tests that use a Q-Tip to swab the inside of a mouth simply by “putting someone else's DNA in your mouth.”

Or when Mike Huckabee criticizes Harvard educated multi-millionaire Natalie Portman for supposedly “glamorizing” single motherhood and having kids out of wedlock while pretending that Bristol Palin doesn't exist.

Actually, pretty much anytime Mike Huckabee says ANYTHING. And especially when he says something stupid and someone turns to me and says “You actually voted for that Shit Bag for governor?”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand possibly if Duke wins another national championship.

Other than that, I think I'm good go go. Holy shit this is gonna be hard!

But, I think this is a great idea. It's a different, it's a tremendous challenge, and God Dammit it's the right fucking thing to do. It won't be easy, but I know I can do it.

And, Jesus is gonna be soooooo proud of me.

Where Were The Babes?

So a few people were a little disappointed that I didn’t post any pics of hot babes for the word “desire” yesterday. Well, I wanted to. It seemed pretty much like the obvious thing to do. But, the problem is that for the WWC we have to post our own pics, not just something we found on the net.

I did think that maybe I should go around town and try to get hot girls to pose for me. I figured I would just explain exactly what the WWC was and then see if they wanted to be internet famous. Then, I decided that nobody I know would be willing to bail me out of jail. And I don’t really enjoy getting slapped across the face and then kicked in the yam bag either. You know most of these girls today are taking these self-defense classes so you can never be too careful.

Back in the good old days the only thing you had to worry about was mace or pepper spray. With that stuff the chances were always 50/50 that they might spray themselves rather than me their assailant. And all I a person needed to do was make sure the wind was blowing towards the girl when I he approached her about a chance at being internet famous on my hiss blog.

But not anymore. Now these girls all let out some massive warrior babe scream and then beat the living shit outta anyone that they even think is a threat. I blame Oprah for this. And the Women’s Victimization Network The Lifetime Channel.

So, basically I couldn’t find any hotties to pose for “Desire” for me. That’s why there weren’t any there. And there is no way I would try to get some hidden camera type shots of hot girls. I would get sooooo caught if I did that. I just know it. That would be down right creepy and immoral.



Speaking of this subject. I have to say that it really annoys me that girls these days are sooooo much more willing to allow “naughty” photos of them to be taken, or are much more willing to take self portraits of themselves in revealing clothes than they were back when I was in high school or college. Seriously people, this is so not fair. Back when I was in high school and college even the skankiest of girls didn’t allow just anyone to take pictures of them at parties or while performing certain acts of love or whatever. Sure we had girls who would get naked and dance on table tops and girls who would do or wear all kinds of crazy stuff, but none of us had a camera full of photos to remember the good times with. Just another thing that pisses me off about these kids today.

The only thing good about this trend is that it’s spilled over into women in the 30’s, 40’s and on. I know a lot of people don’t like it when a 40 something woman wears skanky clothes like their teenage daughter would wear. Or when mom and daughter are both wearing super tight jeans and cleavage bearing shirts. As you can imagine I disagree with this complaint. I say if you’ve got it, flaunt it ladies! And if you’re teenage daughter can’t keep up, well, sucks for her!


Of course, I’ve always been a big fan of mother-daughter teams…



But, if there are any hot babes out there who want to make all of this up to me, just email your pics to me. Or email me and we’ll set a up a time for a photo session. ;-)

Just Another Day ...

Okay kids, back to answering some of your questions.

Rockdog wanted to know: "What is a typical day with Jay like?"


5:00 am: Wake up to Christian music on the radio.
5:01 am: Masturbate furiously.
5:02 am: Shit, shower and shave.
5:20 am: Check world financial markets to see how my portfolio is doing.
5:21 am: Check email
5:35 am: Check comments on my blog
5:38 am: Check Twitter.
5:41 am: Check my Facebook page for status updates, friend requests, and to see how many Pieces of Flair I have been sent and how many snowballs have been thrown at me.
5:50 am: Check news and sports headlines on several different sites.
5:55 am: Check email.
5:56 am: Check Twitter.
5:57 am: Check blog comments
5:58 am: Check Facebook again.

6:00 am: Do morning stretching exercises.
6:15 am: Do morning Yoga exercises.
6:30 am: Morning meditation time in which I completely block out the whole world and go to my happy place. Which is a tropical island with just me and my blog crush.
6:59 am: Pee.

7:00 am: Check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook again.
7:05 am: Eat breakfast consisting of granola and organic fruits.
7:15 am: Read the New York Times, The New York Post, The Washington Post, The Washington Times (notice I read both the “liberal” and “conservative” papers). The Los Angeles Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Times, La Prensa, Le Monde, Jerusalem Post, Haaretz, Bangkok Post, The Asahi Shimbun, Moskovskaya Pravda, Correio de Brasil, Sydney Morning Herald and Cape Argus.

8:00 am: check email, twitter, blog comments and facebook. (repeat every 8 minutes from now on throughout the day.)
8:05 am: Begin reading and commenting on blogs.
8:30 am: Pee.
8:31 am: Have a banana for a snack.
8:32 am: Resume reading and commenting on blogs.

9:00 am: Begin answering requests for nude pics from all my fans.
9:00:01 am: Begin signing restraining orders agreeing to stay away from Natalie Portman, Michelle Rodriguez, Kate Beckinsale, Lauren Graham, Diane Lane, Nigella Lawson, Mary Kate Olsen, Jennifer Tilly, Megan Good, Judi Dench, Miley Cyrus and various bloggers.
9:15 am: Call President-Elect Obama and give some of my excellent financial advice.
9:30 am: Do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups and then mediate again.
9:58 am: All natural granola bar and 8 ounces of pure bottled water.

10:00 am: Watch The View
10:47 am: Pee

11:00 am: Watch Ellen

12:00 pm: Watch Rachael Ray and eat lunch consisting of an organic salad, salt-free crackers and Lentil soup and more bottled water.

1:00 pm: Watch One Life to Live. Marvel at how hot Adriana is.


1:56 pm: Pee and take afternoon dump.

2:00 pm: Go to the mall to walk
2:30 pm: Krav Maga training.

3:00 pm: Practice Belly Dancing while watching “Shimmy” on Fit TV.
3:30 pm: Watch “Everyday Italian w/ Giada de Laurentiis”


4:00 pm: Watch “Gilmore Girls.”


5:00 pm: Watch “Jeopardy.”
5:28 pm: Pee
5:30 pm: Prepare a healthy dinner consisting of some Tofu and two organic vegetables

6:20 pm: Clean up after dinner.
6:30 pm: Bible study.

7:00 pm: Watch wholesome TV show such as “Little House on the Prairie.”
7:58 pm: Pee

8:00 pm: Watch another wholesome TV show such as “Touched by an Angel.”

9:00 pm: Turn off TV so I don’t get corrupted and go back to reading and commenting on more blogs.

10:00 pm: Write up thoughtful, whitty, family-friendly blog post and post it.

10:30 pm: End of day stretching and yoga exercises.
10:55 pm: Pee and before bed beauty ritual.

11:00 pm: Put on my jammies and after checking email, blog comments, Twitter and Facebook one last time, say my nightly prayers and then crawl into bed and sleep while dreaming beautiful, sweet, wholesome dreams.


Of course on weekends I spend most of my time first reflecting on all the good things that happened the week before, and then on all the blessings that will happen in the week to come. And volunteering at a local children’s shelter, of course.


So basically that’s Jay’s schedule.