Friends, Bloggers, Lurkers … Lent me your ears.
Oh man, that was so corny it was good.
Anyway, you what time of year it is kids? That's right! It's time for people who AREN'T giving anything up for lent to criticize what others ARE giving up. I've been struggling mightily trying to decide what to give up from my already Spartan lifestyle. I put out the call on Twitter yesterday and got all kinds of ideas. Most just down right unacceptable. Things like pork, alcohol, Pepsi and the silliest of all, Gilmore Girls reruns. Folks, I gotta draw the line somewhere. And giving up Lorelai and Rory just isn't gonna happen.
Neither is pork. Even though the person who suggested it is a beautiful, smart, sweet and all-around wonderful human being. Sorry Sweet Pea, but if I give up pork, I might as well convert to Judaism or Islam. And then, I wouldn't need to come up with something to give up during lent. Of course, I'm not Catholic either, and Methodists rarely participate in lent. Then again, I haven't stepped foot in a Methodist Church in years either. I'm really just a regular, every day, non-denominational Christian who should probably stop using the Lord's name in vein and shit like that.
Oh wow! What a great idea that would be. Give up cussing for lent! Cause, you know, I really should give up cussing anyway. It's a terrible habit. Even though I am really good at it. I know my mother would probably love that. Hold on, let me see what she thinks.
Me: “While doing my blog post, I came up with a great idea for lent.”
Mom: *rolling her eyes and sighing* “What's that?”
Me: “I could give up cussing.”
Mom: *sounding a little skeptical* “Well, if you just gave up the 'F-Word' it would help.”
Me: “Help with what? What are you saying here?”
Mom: “Oh nothing. I'm just saying giving up that word would help.”
I assume she means “Help with Jesus.”
GAWD damn, she's right! This could be a great way to get on Jesus' good side. He and I haven't been getting along all that great for a while now. This will allow me to prove that I'm making a good faith effort to be BFFs with him. And, maybe he'll let our upcoming “Easter Extravaganza” coming up in a few weeks on “I'm With Stupid” go. Cause YOU KNOW that show is gonna be offensive.
Of course, if I do this, Jesus and I are going to have to work out some details. Like, I'm going to need a couple of waivers. Hey, we've done this type of agreement before. The last couple of years I've given up junk food and alcohol for lent and Jesus gave me a waiver for my birthday. So, this year I'm probably going to need a waiver for anytime anyone at Fox News does something really fucking stupid.
Like when Steve Doocey says that it's easy to beat DNA tests that use a Q-Tip to swab the inside of a mouth simply by “putting someone else's DNA in your mouth.”
Or when Mike Huckabee criticizes Harvard educated multi-millionaire Natalie Portman for supposedly “glamorizing” single motherhood and having kids out of wedlock while pretending that Bristol Palin doesn't exist.
Actually, pretty much anytime Mike Huckabee says ANYTHING. And especially when he says something stupid and someone turns to me and says “You actually voted for that Shit Bag for governor?”
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand possibly if Duke wins another national championship.
Other than that, I think I'm good go go. Holy shit this is gonna be hard!
But, I think this is a great idea. It's a different, it's a tremendous challenge, and God Dammit it's the right fucking thing to do. It won't be easy, but I know I can do it.
And, Jesus is gonna be soooooo proud of me.
