The Finals ....

Okay, I've posted the rejected and accepted lists so I guess that means that today is the day I post the finalists and the winner of my new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend™ competition. The winner will be notified via email so that she can quickly get her lawyers to send me a restraining order that I can frame and put on my wall.

Before I get to the finalists, I have to mention that Reb nominated Stana Katic. I was torn as to which list to put Stana and in the end kind of just left her out by accident. But, I do believe she would go on the accepted list.

Okay, on with the finalists...

1. Ami Tokito:


I know you saying "Wha? Where did she come from?" See, Grant decided to take Yuri Ebihara back cause he was already missing her and said I could have Ami Tokito. This was a fair trade as I do have a preference for Ami over Ebi-chan. So it's a win-win for everyone involved except the women.

2. Penelope Cruz:


Yeah, you knew there was going to be a Hispanic/Latina/Spanish chick on the list. And the bonus of being Penelope's boyfriend is that you get to spend some time around her sister Monica who is pretty freaking fabulous herself:


3. Natalie Portman:


The only people who elicit more bitching and whining from women when I mention or post about them than Natalie are Asian chicks. I think that's kind of funny. I think Natalie rocks. She's cute, smart and talented.

4. Scarlett Johansson:


Yeah, she's pretty freaking gorgeous. I bet you're surprised to see a blond on the list. Well that's what's so awesome about me. I have varied interests.

5. Emmanuelle Chirqui:


Jeeezus this chick is beautiful. I really don't know that much about her other than she seems pretty nice, has exotic looks and spectacular legs. What else could you ask for. And BTW, I nominated her myself. ;-)



So, you are probably asking "Who's the winner?" Well, that's a good question. The answer is .... uh ... all of them?

Honestly I can't really decide. Hell, even everyone on the rejected list is actually more than acceptable. In fact, I'm kind of surprised that nobody pointed out that my "rejected" list is full of women who wouldn't even give a schmuck like me the time of day. Except for Heidi Montag, of course. She's pathetic.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I'm not good at commitment or making decisions. The second I decide to go with Scarlett Johansson, I'll tune into Telemundo and completely forget about blonds with spectacular racks. Or maybe I'll be flipping the channels and see Eva Longoria in her skivvies on "Desperate Housewives." Or I'll check out some gossip sites on the net and see pics of Rachel Bilson in a bikini. Or I'll see Carrie Underwood perform at the CMAs. And when any of those things happen, I'll be either dumping my fantasy girlfriend or at least cheating on her.

So, I think it's best to just be honest with all the celebrity babes out there and let them know that I just can't be faithful to them. I'm sure they appreciate my honesty.

Sure, it would be nice to have like a real life girlfriend. But, real life women tend to have expectations and shit like that. I hate that. It's so unfair. So, it's best that I just stick with the fantasy girlfriends for now.

Jesus Taped To My Door ...

So I open my door a couple of days ago and look what I find hanging on the door…


How cool is this? A little DVD to help me be a perfect better Christian. And, before you say “well, I’m a pretty good Christian already,” I gotta tell ya. According to the little booklet that came with it? No you’re not.

First of all there is a handy little timeline proving once and for all that the Earth is only 7,000 years old. They even mention Noah’s flood that created the Grand Canyon on there.


Inside the booklet there is a section explaining why you aren’t really a good Christian.


Oh, and that "We're all God's Children" thing? Hardly. The booklet makes it very clear that there are a lot of people who simply are not God's children. *coughgaypeoplecough*

Then there is the section where they point out that all other religions are inferior. And make it clear that not only are they inferior, but you should NOT respect them…


And then they finally tell you what you have to do to be a perfect good Christian. It’s a surprisingly short section too…


All in all it was kind of interesting. Lots of stuff in there. And, despite the fact that it’s illegal for any group to hang flyers on people’s doors in this town, the little booklet gave me something to read while Twitter was down for maintenance. So there’s that.

You know what this booklet really needed though? What would have really made this thing even more interesting? Babes! I think putting photos of really hot babes in these booklets would make them even more interesting. Babes like Emmanuelle Chriqui…



See how much more interesting that booklet would be with her in there?

Aaaaaaaaaaand … She is also a great example of Christian superiority. She helps drive home that point from the section that talks about that.

What’s that?

She’s Jewish?

Uhhh … Yeah … Well, okay, so that section might be open to debate a little. But, nothing else!