It Was a Good Week...

So, it's been a pretty damn good week here in Redneckville for yours truly.

First, I posted this pic of some dude holding up an “I'm not a stalker” sign at a Maria Sharapova match in the Australian Open with the caption “If you have to hold up a “I am not a stalker” sign, then you are probably a stalker...

And check out who “liked” the pic and caption...

Yup, my stripper girlfriend! Even though she doesn't KNOW that she's my stripper girlfriend, but that's not important.

Also, here's Maria Sharapova in case you were wondering about her stalkeeness:

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Next, check out the email I got...

I am Mrs Maries Etters, a devoted Christian. I have chosen you for an inheritance. Please contact me for more details. Private contact email “insert her email here*” thank you.

Hell yes! Finally, my desires for an older, accident prone heiress with a nagging cough have been answered!

Unless, she means that she has chosen ME to leave HER an inheritance. In which case we are both going to be very, very disappointed.

*Oh and I deleted her email address. You didn't think I was going to let any of you greedy bastards jump in there and take my place, did you?

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And then, as if it hasn't already been a freaking awesome week already, on Sunday morning I was going through all the socks lying on the floor trying to find two that didn't have holes in them and just for the hell of it decided to go through all the drawers in my room. Guess what?! Yup, I found FOUR pairs of socks that I didn't know I had. Hells yes!

Four good pairs of socks! They've probably been in that drawer since 2007.

And now I get to use the money that would have gone to some new socks on MORE PEPSI!

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And somebody FINALLY realized that Pizza and Cookies are the perfect combination and came up with THIS:

Good job DiGiorno!

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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I made the @StevenAdamsWV Daily!

One of the tweets was a re-tweet of HeyCamerman's video of Jets QB Mark Sanchez wiping a booger on his teammate's uniform. That was a little childish, but funny anyway.

And the other was when I was pimping “I'm With Stupid” which is totally worth pimping at all times and if you didn't listen to last week's show you totally should cause it was pretty damn good.

Seizing The Moment ...

First I want to wish my sister Kell, a Happy Birthday! You can go wish her a Happy Birthday over at her BLOG too if you want.

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So Natalie Portman and somebody less important than her have started this new website about film making called makingof.com. The idea behind the website is that movie fans will get to see all the people that it takes to make a movie. All the support people and behind the scenes people all that good stuff. I think this is pretty cool because there are a lot of really essential people behind every movie that never get any real recognition. Not even during the "In Memoriam" segment at the Oscars.

But, today's post isn't about that website. What I want to address is what happened while Natalie was taking questions from the audience that was gathered for her announcement about the launch of this website. Some dude got up and basically hit on Natalie...


"Alas, Portman’s traffic likely dropped by one today when a male fan ambushed her. “I’m having girl issues,” he said, standing up to offer the last question. “I was wondering: How does one attain the key to your heart?”

Groans ensued. Portman smiled. “Not in an audience."'


Okay, so I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Man, she owned him." And you're right, she did. And you're thinking "That dude is kind of a douche nozzle." Correct again.

But, I also kind of admire that guy. I mean, that took courage in a way. He had to know he was going to be humiliated but it's Natalie Freaking Portman. It was worth a shot.


This is the best chance this dude is ever going to get. This is as close as he will ever get to Natalie without a couple of big goons grabbing him and taking him into a back alley somewhere and beating the shit outta him, leaving him with a couple of broken ribs, some internal injuries and bleeding from a couple of holes that he didn't used to have. You just don't get this kind of opportunity in life. Oh sure, we will probably all get a chance to hit on Linsday Lohan at some old dive bar, liquor store or crack den someday. But this isn’t some skank we’re talking about. It’s Natalie Freaking Portman. The chick that every pervy, socially awkward, virgin until he was 30 years old guy has been in love with since she played Mathilda Padme. It’s the chance of a lifetime!

I'm proud of him for not cowering in the big moment. This was his one chance. The chance he's been waiting his whole life for. The million-to-one shot we all dream of and only hot Vegas cocktail waitresses chasing George Clooney ever get to realize. He seized the moment and went for it. And he didn't care how badly he was humiliated or how much of a pathetic obsessed, creepy, stalker fan boy dweeb he looked like.

That takes balls. Oh sure, Natalie now has his balls in a drawer somewhere. But, while the rest of us spend our lives sending letters to Natalie that just get forwarded to the authorities and get those restraining orders and warning letters from lawyers in return, he had the courage to bring his creepiness right out into the open for everyone to see.

Now he has a great story he can tell his kids grandkids his creepy friends during happy hour. A story of courage. A story of taking that chance when it presents itself. An inspiring story of a sad, desperate man who, face with insurmountable odds and the chance to be mocked by bloggers the world over, stood tall, stood proud and hit on Natalie Portman.

Bravo man! Brav-OH! I am proud of you. And I hope his story has inspired you to just go for whatever it is you want in life, consequences and dignity be dammed too!

How To Be A Better Stalker & Stalkee ...

We interrupt the question and answer session for this important post …

I was having an email conversation with this unbelievably HAWT chick yesterday when the subject turned to stalking. Not sure how we got to that, but whatever. Anyway, I said I’m pretty sure I would get caught stalking almost immediately cause I wouldn’t know what to do. She then said that she would probably need tips on how to be a better stalkee. So, I got to thinking that maybe I should do a blog post with some ideas of how we can all be better stalkers AND stalkees.

First of all you need a disguise if you’re gonna stalk someone. Here’s mine …


I don’t think I’ll stand out too much in public do you? Well, I guess I could just go with this one …


Oh and now that I think about it, I would recommend that you NOT post a picture of you in yourself disguise on your blog. I’m just guessing.

Okay, now you need supplies. Here are a few things you might need …

1. A camera. And a good telephoto lens. And maybe the binocular/camera combo! Now that would be handy!
2. A video camera with night vision and some night vision goggles.
3. A notepad and pen. You will want to write down your victim’s target’s future lover’s address and phone number and keep notes on his/her whereabouts and his/her daily schedule.
4. Snacks. I’m guessing there will be a lot of downtime and you might get hungry. So some Doritos, cookies, a couple of Snickers bars and maybe a little cooler with some sandwich items would be a good idea. And some water and soft drinks. Maybe a couple of beers too.
5. Empty one gallon milk cartons. The last thing you want to do is risk missing your victim target future lover leave the house/bar/work cause you were using the bathroom at the nearest McDonalds. So, you take a couple of milk cartons to piss into and you’re good to go. You can always put the lid back on those things and just toss them out the window onto the side of the road on your way home. Then as an added bonus, when the road crews are out with the mowers in the spring they’ll hit those cartons and set off Urine Bombs. You know that’s funny!
6. Some ready made excuses for when you get caught. Something like this …

Stalkee: “Um, hi, what are you doing here?”
Stalker: “Oh hey, uh, well I was just having a beer and hanging out.”
Stalkee: “But this is a gay bar.”
Stalker: “Yeah, but you can’t beat $1 beers. And it’s a great place to drink a beer and watch the “Will and Grace” marathon on cable.”

Or if you get desperate ..

Stalker: “Uh … well I’m actually bi. Please don’t tell anyone though.”

Or maybe this situation …

Stalkee: “Dude, what are you doing here?”
Stalker: “I’m just having lunch.”
Stalkee: “But, this is the high school cafeteria!”
Stalker: “I know! Crazy, right? But, it’s damn cheap.”

7. Lube. I think this is pretty self-explanatory.


So, there are a number of things that the stalkee can also do to make things easier on the stalker.

1. Keep a regular schedule. Try to leave the house about the same time each day and come home at the same time.
2. Frequent the same places. Obviously, it’s much easier to track you down if you are at the same bar each day.
3. Sit at outdoor cafes. Seriously, this way your stalker can stay in his/her car to keep an eye on you.
4. Keep your curtains open please. And be sure to change clothes in front of those windows with open curtains several times a day.
5. Laying out catching rays in a public park (topless) would be nice too.
6. Ladies, while you’re out and about try to wear something skimpy. And be sure to bend over and pick things up or fix the strap on your high heels or something like that every once in a while.



So, there are some pointers for any of you out there who are considering stalking. Again, I’m just guessing on these. I’m sure there are other, more useful tips too. Does anyone have any other good ideas to help a stalker out?



Oh and remember kids, these rules apply to “Consensual Stalking” only. Nonconsensual stalking is just plain creepy.