How To Be A Better Stalker & Stalkee ...

We interrupt the question and answer session for this important post …

I was having an email conversation with this unbelievably HAWT chick yesterday when the subject turned to stalking. Not sure how we got to that, but whatever. Anyway, I said I’m pretty sure I would get caught stalking almost immediately cause I wouldn’t know what to do. She then said that she would probably need tips on how to be a better stalkee. So, I got to thinking that maybe I should do a blog post with some ideas of how we can all be better stalkers AND stalkees.

First of all you need a disguise if you’re gonna stalk someone. Here’s mine …


I don’t think I’ll stand out too much in public do you? Well, I guess I could just go with this one …


Oh and now that I think about it, I would recommend that you NOT post a picture of you in yourself disguise on your blog. I’m just guessing.

Okay, now you need supplies. Here are a few things you might need …

1. A camera. And a good telephoto lens. And maybe the binocular/camera combo! Now that would be handy!
2. A video camera with night vision and some night vision goggles.
3. A notepad and pen. You will want to write down your victim’s target’s future lover’s address and phone number and keep notes on his/her whereabouts and his/her daily schedule.
4. Snacks. I’m guessing there will be a lot of downtime and you might get hungry. So some Doritos, cookies, a couple of Snickers bars and maybe a little cooler with some sandwich items would be a good idea. And some water and soft drinks. Maybe a couple of beers too.
5. Empty one gallon milk cartons. The last thing you want to do is risk missing your victim target future lover leave the house/bar/work cause you were using the bathroom at the nearest McDonalds. So, you take a couple of milk cartons to piss into and you’re good to go. You can always put the lid back on those things and just toss them out the window onto the side of the road on your way home. Then as an added bonus, when the road crews are out with the mowers in the spring they’ll hit those cartons and set off Urine Bombs. You know that’s funny!
6. Some ready made excuses for when you get caught. Something like this …

Stalkee: “Um, hi, what are you doing here?”
Stalker: “Oh hey, uh, well I was just having a beer and hanging out.”
Stalkee: “But this is a gay bar.”
Stalker: “Yeah, but you can’t beat $1 beers. And it’s a great place to drink a beer and watch the “Will and Grace” marathon on cable.”

Or if you get desperate ..

Stalker: “Uh … well I’m actually bi. Please don’t tell anyone though.”

Or maybe this situation …

Stalkee: “Dude, what are you doing here?”
Stalker: “I’m just having lunch.”
Stalkee: “But, this is the high school cafeteria!”
Stalker: “I know! Crazy, right? But, it’s damn cheap.”

7. Lube. I think this is pretty self-explanatory.


So, there are a number of things that the stalkee can also do to make things easier on the stalker.

1. Keep a regular schedule. Try to leave the house about the same time each day and come home at the same time.
2. Frequent the same places. Obviously, it’s much easier to track you down if you are at the same bar each day.
3. Sit at outdoor cafes. Seriously, this way your stalker can stay in his/her car to keep an eye on you.
4. Keep your curtains open please. And be sure to change clothes in front of those windows with open curtains several times a day.
5. Laying out catching rays in a public park (topless) would be nice too.
6. Ladies, while you’re out and about try to wear something skimpy. And be sure to bend over and pick things up or fix the strap on your high heels or something like that every once in a while.



So, there are some pointers for any of you out there who are considering stalking. Again, I’m just guessing on these. I’m sure there are other, more useful tips too. Does anyone have any other good ideas to help a stalker out?



Oh and remember kids, these rules apply to “Consensual Stalking” only. Nonconsensual stalking is just plain creepy.