After washing all the green crap off my car, I put the sprayer and hose thingy back in it’s holster and walked over to get into my car. It was at this point that I noticed that my car was locked. “Hmm” I thought to myself as I reached into my pocket to get my keys. “I don’t remember locking the doors.” And then??
I realized that my keys weren’t in my pocket. They were in the ignition. Yup. I had locked my keys in my car. I honestly don’t know how I did it either. I know I didn’t reach over and hit the auto-lock button. I NEVER do that. I guess I manually locked the driver’s side door as I was getting out. Anyway, it didn’t really matter how I did it at that point.
So, I called my mother and asked her to find someone in the yellow pages for me to call. If I had an iPhone I would have just done that myself. But, my cell phone is an cheap, pre-paid type, so I have no aps for anything. Anyway, she told me that the police would unlock the car for free. This was great idea, but a bit risky since there was a chance they would look in the trunk and see the dead underage hooker and several kilos of crack.* But, I decided to take the risk.
I called the Redneckville P.D. and they informed me that the Sheriff’s Dept. takes care of those matters. Apparently our city police dept is just too busy
So, I call the Sheriff’s Dept and told the nice lady that I had locked my keys in my car.
Dispatcher: *in a very excited voice* “ARE THERE ANY CHILDREN OR PETS IN THE CARRRR???”
Me: “Um, no I would have mentioned that right of the top. I just locked my keys in there. And the car isn’t running or anything like that.”
Dispatcher: “DID YOU SAY THE CAR IS RUNNING??!!!??”
Me: “No mam! It is NOT running.”
Dispatcher: “Okay, that’s good.”
The dispatcher then took down my information and told me to “JUST SIT TIGHT AND WE’LL GET SOMEONE OUT THERE!” I told her that it was a beautiful day and everything is okay and that there was no reason to rush. I’m glad I could be there for her and reassure her in her moment of panic.
So about forty-five minutes later a deputy finally arrived. He was the oldest deputy I’ve ever seen in my life. I’m pretty sure I could have whipped him if I had to. Seriously, I guess the county doesn’t have a mandatory retirement age. Anyway, he got his stuff out of the trunk and went to work.
Thirty minutes later he was still working on getting into my car. This was a little frustrating but also reassuring that apparently my car would be pretty hard to steal. Finally he gave up trying to get through the driver’s side door and decided to try the passenger’s side. I took the opportunity to offer to help as I was pretty sure I had a good idea as to what to do. He reluctantly agreed and after trying what I recommended we were able to get right in.
Success!
And then? The bastard asked for my driver’s license and ran me for warrants. We don’t need no skinkin’ probable cause I guess.
Anyway, after running me for warrants he gave me my license back and …
Deputy: “Well you aren’t wanted by anyone.”
Me: “Sorry to disappoint.”
Deputy: “That’s okay.”
Me: “Maybe the next guy.”
Deputy: “May-BE”
And with that Mr. Oldest Deputy Ever went on his way. I turned around as I was getting into my car, I noticed that a bird and flown through the car wash and shit on the windshield. Story of my life. So I had to scrounge up four more quarters and spray the car down again. This time I put my keys in my pocket though.
And from now on I’m going to only let the cheerleaders wash my car when they set up the bikini car wash at the high school parking lot.
*I was just kidding. There wasn’t any crack in my trunk.
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