House Hunters Explained ...

Like many of you out there I’m a big fan of HGTV’s show House Hunters.  But, also like many of you, I often times wonder about the people who are both buying and selling the houses.  We don’t really learn much about them.  In fact, we don’t even meet the sellers at all and aren’t told anything about them.  So, I thought I would do a quick review of a recent episode so and tell you all about the buyers and sellers. 

The episode was in Orlando, Fl last week.  But, it pretty much works the same in any location on any other episode.  The sellers are a young married couple who need more room and would like a single family home.  They say they need more room for their dogs to run and play and because they like to “entertain.”  I know that a lot of people wonder about this, so let me explain.  The dogs are a trial for kids.  People often times are under the mistaken belief that if they can take care of  dogs, then they can take care of kids.  This is ridiculous, of course.  If you have kids, you can't just put in a little swinging door, about 3 days of food and a big tub of water for them when you go out of town for the weekend. 

“Entertain” means they’re swingers.  I think that one is actually pretty obvious.  That’s why a married couple with no kids says they need 3 or 4 bedrooms and at least 3 bathrooms.   And a dungeon basement.

Okay, first house they look at.  Nice single level with a HUGE backyard.  In fact the outside of the house is very nice.  Unfortunately the inside hasn’t been updated since the Nixon administration.  Shag carpet.  Very old appliances and small, crappy bathrooms. 

You might be wondering how this happened.  Well, the sellers focused mostly on the exterior of the house over the years.  They had intended to upgrade in the interior too, but were killed in a freak accident when the boat they were riding in was attacked by a gang of sharks in the Atlantic Ocean.  The sharks apparently were tired of being depicted as blood thirsty killers and decided that they would simply show people what they can REALLY do when they want to.

House number two was a very nice house.  Completely updated throughout with hardwood floors and brand knew appliances.  Only downside was that there was no yard and the neighbors house was very, very close. 

The previous owners decided to move out when they caught their neighbor, a rather large and lonely gentleman, was spying on their 15 year old daughter with binoculars even though the houses were only four feet apart.  Unfortunately for the prospective buyers, the sellers took the stripper pole out of the 15 year old’s room.  This would have been a great selling feature.

House number three was immediately rejected by the buyers because it didn’t have central air conditioning.  “Are you fucking kidding me?” Said the homebuyer.  “This is freaking Florida you morons!  And we’re swingers!  We can have a great big orgy in the front room without central air.  Window units are way too loud, and listening to everyone’s moaning during the orgy is half the fun. Fuck this house.  Let’s go honey.”

The owners of house number three were selling because it didn’t have central air conditioning and nobody would agree to let them host the monthly meeting of “Knitters and Brewers Club” because their house was always so hot.

So, the homebuyers bought the first house.  It had the big yard for the dogs.  There was also room for naked slip and sliding.  Naked limbo.  And, of course, naked yoga in the mornings.  They will have to upgrade the kitchen, but I think they made the right choice.