Naked Day My Ass

Okay, that totally sucked! I got up, went running, had a sensible breakfast and then shaved my legs to perfection. I debated for a while between heels and flip flops - deciding that, while flip flops would be far more comfortable, the heels would probably be a bit more flattering for the hour long naked walk around my block.

I opened my door and stepped out - immediately glad that this event wasn't scheduled in January. I looked up and down the street, both ways, looking for the other ladies but saw none. I must admit, since half of my neighbors are Mormon, I kind of expected to see a few garmented sisters out and about. Mormons won't just walk up and down the street naked without a specific calling to do so, but they are known for being very patriotic so I figured there was a chance.

Nope.

I was feeling a bit self conscious so I lingered in the bushes a minute but saw no other fellow patriots. So, I went back inside and watched last weeks episode of "The Office" and thought about how funny it would be if I ran outside again and turned the naked march into naked Parkour! - but this terrorist catching is serious business. Plus, I didn't want to intimidate the other ladies with my cat-like agility.

I packed myself a sack lunch, in case all the walking made me hungry, and headed back outside. I still didn't see one other woman. But I had been watching TV for a while, maybe they had met already and started around the block without me. Still very aware that I was naked all by myself, I kind of ran from bush to bush down the street trying to catch up.

A few times comando-ing around the block did make me tired and hungry so I sat down on the curb to eat my lunch - totally wishing that I had brought a cushy pillow along. By the time I was done eating, I was totally confused that there were no other women anywhere. I figured I would give it one more time around the block and then call it a day. About half way home, I found a garbage can to throw my empty lunch bag in so I tip-toed up a stranger's driveway and lifted the lid.

The sound must have awakened their three dogs who, as my dumb luck would have it, were not chained up as properly as they should have been. So there I am, now sprinting in my heels with these damn dogs barking and leaping all over me. I tried to cut across a lawn but my f*cking heel dug into the grass. I fell on my ass just as the sprinklers came on. Now screaming, I hit one of the dogs on the head with my stiletto and they, also drenched, backed off enough for me to get up and hobble home.

I am pissed. I got hurt, I completely humiliated myself, and was the only naked woman to be seen for miles. Last time I try and do a good deed for my freaking country.

I totally should have just kicked back and drank beer with all the guys in their lawn chairs. They really seemed to be enjoying themselves.