A Letter to Ryno ...

So, my good friend Matt-Man has asked us all to write a note in comments to his 15 year old son Ryno to try to encourage Ryno to do better in school. His hope is that Ryno will listen to all of us Stars of the Bloggerhood AKA: SOBs, more than he does his old man.

But, I wasn’t able to come up with anything good on the spur of the moment because I’m slow. And because Candice distracted everyone by promising to send a picture of her fabulous rack if Ryno did better in school. So, I also didn’t have time to comment cause I needed to look into going back to school to try to get the same offer.

Anyway, I told Matt-Man I would do my letter to Ryno in the form of a blog post. Cause I’m cool like that. And, here it is.


Yo Ryn-OH! Hola dude!

Let’s just get right to it, why don’t we. It seems as though you’re not a big fan of turning in your homework and not quite putting out full effort in school. Look, I realize that you’re a cool guy now, and you’re pretty sure you can get by on your charm and good looks forever. Not true at all. See, it’s easy to cruise through high school on wits and the ability to bullshit your way through. College? Not so much.

Right now, being popular and cool is where it’s at. But, after high school, not putting out full effort stops being cool and starts being a real problem. Mostly because you never learned how to study and be prepared when you were in high school. And, worst of all? All those hot girls who think you’re so cool now, will ignore you if you wash out or can’t get into a decent college. Hell, even if you get into college all the really hot chicks will ignore you and chase all the rich dudes and the dudes who do well in class cause they have the best chance of getting rich.

Now, I realize that there are lots more very good reasons to do well in school than to have a shot at hot chicks. But, that’s a pretty good reason. And, I have to tell you that I know for an absolute fact that Miley Cyrus will never let anybody who was a crappy high school student touch her firm, glorious, perfect ass.

Neither will Natalie Portman, Hayden Panattiere, Leighton Meester, Blake Lively, Taylor Momsen, Emma Roberts, Jessica Biel, Kaley Cuoco, Amanda Seyfried, Emma Watson, Meagan Good, Kristen Stewart, Regina King, Selena Gomez, Emmy Rossum or Tyra Banks. Worse than that, none of the super hot bloggers that your dad and I lust after will either. I know this because it’s been made clear to me by each of their lawyers through the restraining orders they’ve sent me. And one very strongly worded letter by Chris Hansen.

Okay sure, Britney Spears would, you got me on that one. But, we both know that you would be bored with someone that stupid. Besides, her ass smells like failure and bad cheese.

And of course, there’s the “What kind of job does a high school flunky or even someone who barely makes it out of high school and can’t go to college get?” situation. Let’s review your employment options if this happens to you….

- Gas station attendant. You’ll smell like grease and gasoline all the time.

- Pizza delivery guy. You’ll smell like pizza toppings.

- Convenience store clerk. Now, I know that you think that convenience store clerks are cool. Especially those guys who ring up your Pepsi and Snickers bar and say “That’ll be be ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE BUDDY!” And then you give him a $5 bill and he’ll say “Out of FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE HUNDRED!” Yeah, I know that’s cool, but he actually sucks. After work he takes public transportation home to his HUD subsidized studio apartment, cooks up some Dinty Moore stew, which he bought with his food stamps on his little stove which is heated by the propane he buys with his gov’t heating oil and propane subsidy. Then he goes to bed and cuddles up with his Vagina Pillow.

You don’t want to be that guy.

- Ditch digger

- The guy who works for the highway dept. going around scooping up all the road kill.

- Greeter at Wal-Mart

- Janitor at your old school.

- Door to Door vacuum cleaner salesman.

- Porta Potty cleaner.

- Guy who has to mop out the video booths and theater at the adult bookstore.

- Ice cream truck dude. Thos guys are always freaks living on the edges of society. You definitely don’t want to be Ice Cream Guy.

- And various other dead-end, soul sucking jobs that will never help you to reach your full potential or achieve your personal dreams.


See, here’s the deal. You’re in high school now. That means they’re keeping score. The score being your GPA. And, as silly as their scoring system may seem, EVERYBODY uses it. And, that score is all that matters. So, basically here are your choices. 1) You can continue doing what you’re doing. Not turning in homework and not applying yourself in school or 2) you can turn things around and start putting out full effort.

If you choose option 1, then you’ll probably end up like that guy Shooter in “Hoosiers.” Just the town drunk, who lives in some burned out house and spend your days begging the locals for some loose change so you can afford your can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Then you’ll eat your stew, drink a bottle of MD 20/20 and think of the glory days of high school when you were on the basketball team and were so popular. Then, you’ll cry yourself to sleep.

If you choose option 2, then you have the opportunity to accomplish everything you want in life. You’ll be able to go to college and actually do well. You will have a shot at a decent living, decent home, a family and happiness.

So, it’s up to you my friend. Sad pathetic loser who everyone makes fun of cause he got kicked off the basketball team for crappy grades, or somebody with an actual future.

And, worse than all that? If you choose option 1 you’ll disappoint a lot of people. Primarily your mother and your father who are doing everything possible to make sure that you are happy, safe and are given the chance to make something great of yourself. So, don’t screw it up.