Speaking of Passion Parties, I did one this past weekend that spring-boarded a delightful little experiment. After a rousing game of Ring Toss, I awarded the prize to the woman that got the ring around the giant purple… target. (Yes, it’s what you think.) So, you know those little mini creatures that you put in water and they grow and grow to ten times their original size? Those animals, fish, Disney princesses… that kids love to put in a glass of water and check on every hour? Well, the prize was one of those – in the form of the cutest little penis you ever did see.
The decision was made to put it in water, as directed, and watch it grow throughout the night. But at the end of the party all we had was the cutest-but-now-saddest-little-penis-we-ever-did-see at the bottom of a big water filled salad bowl. It was then that we read the instructions. The freaking thing was going to slowly grow over the next ten days!!! How in the hell is a girl supposed to have that much patience, I ask you?
Anyway, it was determined that JJ, the hostess and my Toys for Tarts Partner in Crime, and her roommate Amy would keep it and update us on it’s progress. The first updates she sent had me rolling on the floor and begging her to let me share with y’all.
So, with that… [drum roll]
Internetland, I give you Guest Blogger Extraordinaire: JJ Neward
Subject: Penis Progress: Day 1
Morning:
Amy and I wake up, excited to see how our pinkie-sized penis did during the night, floating in his prescribed bowl o water. It was disappointing, to say the least, that not only had Subject NOT grown, but rather seemed to suffer from some sort of venereal disease which caused excessive, albeit microscopic, flaking.
Amy and I attempt "dirty talk," only to realize Subject was perhaps born Catholic and felt more guilt than excitement at our encouragement. Either that, or Subject suspected we were faking as we crowed over his massive size and extreme prowess. Subject remained unresponsive.
We change the water, thinking that maybe Subject's heritage was tropical and he would be happier in a warmer environment. Alas, as of this writing the temperature of the water has not changed Subject's mind. Thought occurred that he might be gay.
Currently Subject is housed in an espresso cup, as opposed to the 5-gallon bowl we optimistically selected last night.
Further bulletins as events warrant.
Penis Progress: Days 2 and 3
Day 2
Wake today to check on Subject. Might be my imagination, but Subject seems to be the tiniest bit larger. Could also be trick of the eye due to the concave bend in the glass cup.
It is my birthday, so hopes ran high Subject would get me flowers or new brakes. Received nothing, ergo proving the theory that Subject is indeed male. Subject indicated he could not get a gift because "nothing is good enough" for me. Relationship is new enough with Subject that I have decided to find this cute, rather than cheap and absurd.
Day 3
Subject is now roughly the size of my thumb. Want to be excited about Subject's progress, but a little disappointed because I already have 2 thumbs which are by far better companions.
Going to place a beer by the glass and will track any progress. Also putting TV remote within reach and leaving TV set to The View. Hopefully one of these actions will galvanize Subject's movement.
We may have to decide to change our expectations, rather than change Subject. This seems a drastic measure, so it will remain our last resort until such time it becomes apparent that the horse is not only dead but decomposed as well.
Stay tuned.
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