- Elaine Dundy, The Dud Avocado
He was the one who always reveled in the flaws of his competitors. He held them all in contempt. None of them lived up to his standards.
Phil Mickleson was a fraud and a fat, insincere prick. (which is true)
Vijay Singh was an asshole. (also true)
Davis Love III was an over privileged snob who played golf as a hobby and no drive to win because of his comfortable upbringing. (yep, that was true too. and it's still true of the vast majority of players on tour.)
Ernie Els was a choker.
Greg Norman? Washed up.
David Duval? Emotional wreck.
John Daly? Drunk redneck. (again, true)
Jesper Parnevick? Fashion disaster.
There was something wrong with each and every person on the PGA Tour. Except the perfect one. Tiger Woods was always the perfect one. The one who never choked (even when he did). The one who could do no wrong. The perfect human being with the perfect wife, perfect family and perfect life.
It was Tiger who would sit in the locker room at the country club hosting the latest tournament he deigned to play in, surrounded by his sycophants in the media, ripping on his fellow golfers. Making fun of them. Ridiculing all their faults and personal flaws. The media friends, you know, those sports journalists laughing up a storm with him, would then go out and lavish praise on Tiger on the air and in print while trashing, mocking and sitting in moral judgment of other golfers. It was just as he demanded. Ever step out of line, and accidentally criticize Tiger and you were out. Ever point out that he made a mistake, or question his motives and you were sent to Siberia. Your network, paper or other publication would take you off of golf coverage. Access to Tiger, the most popular and well known "athlete" in the world was all that mattered.
But now it's Tiger who everyone on tour will be looking down on. It's Tiger who they (and everyone else including late night comics) will be sitting around making jokes about.
"He drives in the fairway well, but doesn't fare well in the driveway."
"He gives a whole new meaning to 'Ram it in the hole!'"
"Apparently he's really good at playing in the rough."
"I hope Elin kept her left arm straight in her back swing when she clobbered Tiger."
They'll all look at him in disgust. "How could he do that to his family?" They'll ask. "Man, that guy is all kinds of fucked up." Others might say. And others will sit with their media buds and gossip about and rip on Tiger and his public transgressions.
And they, just like Tiger, will be ignoring their own hypocrisy. Forgetting that they engage in the very same behavior. But, that's what makes it so entertaining.
Yeah, yeah, I know. YOU don't care. YOU are above such salacious stories. Bullshit. Personally, I love this story and am fascinated and highly entertained by it. Not for the pain he has caused his family. I feel terrible about that. But for the fact that it confirms something that I have suspected for a long time. That Tiger is a bad guy. And I love being right about things like this. Remember my gloating over John Edwards? Yeah, that was some good times. I'm not quite as happy about being right about Tiger as I was Edwards, but it's close.
I've also been entertained over the last week or so by all psychobabble* from people trying to explain or even excuse Tiger's behavior. Some people have even go so far as to make up facts about Tiger's life to make it fit their particular beliefs. I've heard people claim that he was raised by a single parent. That's false. I've heard people claim he came from "nothing." Again false. Was he "Davis Love III" rich? No, but he didn't come from poverty either.
There are people who claim it was the death of his father, a very strong and central character in his life, that cause Tiger to "lose his way." Again, that's bull cause Tiger was a known hound dog way back in the day. Still others always take the opportunity in these types of situations to say that they're pretty sure the wife is just an impossible person, a Royal Spoiled Brat Bitch on Wheels type who probably drove him to this. More silliness. Even if she is, this type of behavior isn't justified by that.
One of my favorite arguments being pushed by people like Adrianne Curry is that Tiger isn't a celebrity (like her) so we shouldn't be talking about him. Sorry babe, but he's the most recognizable athlete in the world. He's a name brand. Corporate pitch man. He sells photos of himself and his wife and babies to the tabloids for big bucks. Only celebrities get to do things like that. Besides, just for fun, lets take pics of both Adrianne and Tiger and take them around the world and see who is the most recognizable.
Although, I should say that Adrianne's Twitter stream is quite entertaining. Mostly because she tends to post pics of herself paying WoW while high and nekkid. I support that type of thing.
Anyway, I have my own crazy, whacked out theory about Tiger:
Tiger is a just a bad guy. He's a piece of shit. He's just another entitled asshole who thinks the rules don't apply to him and he can do whatever and whoever he wants. He deserves it. He's selfish and self-indulgent and doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. If it feels good, then he does it. If he wants to have unprotected sex with a 22 year old waitress from Perkins Family Restaurant in the backseat of his Escalade in a church parking lot, he should be able to. So what if it destroys his family. Fuck them.
Yeah, pretty radical theory huh? I just hope that if there's a divorce we get a good look at all of Tiger's financial dealings with unsavory characters like Venezuela's Chevron, oil oligarchs and Middle Eastern strongmen. That will be pretty entertaining too.
But, let's not all feel sorry for poor Tiger. He'll be fine. Next year during the Masters (which he'll win) he'll sit down for an well rehearsed, all questions and answers cleared by his lawyers, interview with the lead dog of Tiger's media sycophants, Jim Nantz. That, of course, would be the good, decent family values supporting Jim Nantz who himself is fresh off his own divorce after admitting to his own affairs. And, at the perfect moment (or the moment Woods' public image consultant tells hem to) Tiger will tear up and tell everyone how sorry he is. So, don't worry. Everything is going to be just fine.
Oh, and one other thing...
Q: What's the difference between Tiger Woods and me?
A: I like black women.
*Oh okay, if you want to push the "Child Star Syndrome" theory whereby Tiger is essentially a victim of his own success, starts to feel trapped and can't take the pressure which results in the subconscious acting out in a self-destructive manner and Tiger is powerless to stop it (and this run-on sentence) which leads to his falling further into a deep alcohol and prescription drug fueled depression where his self loathing is so great that the only comforting thoughts he has is that when the Ambien finally takes affect some night he might drift off to sleep and not wake up in the morning then I'm willing to listen. Kinda.
No comments:
Post a Comment