unpretentious = mean?

it's raining outside, and i'm sitting in the library, clicking away in facebook AGAIN.

it feels rather disappointing and agitating knowing that for the entire day since 8am, i havent learnt anything. yes, you heard me right. classes either end really fast with nothing taught only talked, or just dismissed simply because they aren't enough chairs (???)

let's not talk about paying so much to come here and not learn a single thing (cos that would be a whole different story altogether), but the time wasted. i won't get into the details but yeah, today i'm just here to rant it out.

on a seperate note, i have been trying to be nice one too many times, and i've come to a point that i'm just sick and disgusted at myself for being pretentious.

i don't mean pretentious in a bad way, probably a bad way for myself cos i'm just not being truthful to people who deserve the truth to be put right up their faces, and most of the time i'd just protect their feelings and just be nice no matter how sucky they really are. and that's lying though i've got nice and good intentions. after doing it for almost two decades, it becomes sickening.

my mum told me that since i was little, she could see that i am all out to please the people around me, which makes me so likeable. but in the end i lose cos people would look pass my needs and just take advantage for the fact that, i'm nice, and i won't fight back and offend anybody.

but really, if i continue to be all that nice to people (which they obviously enjoy because they won't feel uneasy around me no matter what they do), i would (1) help them to live in a lie and (2) make myself feel miserable and in the end everyone loses and suffers.

so, when you're really irritated with someone's sucky behavior and you show that you are in fact irritated already, is that being mean?

let me know, because i've grown to please people and care for people's feelings for far too long, that when i start to be real and unpretentious with the people around me, i'm not used to it. however, i'm enjoying it. enjoying the fact that i'm being genuine and honest. it liberates me knowing that i'm being real.

some people are just so thick-skinned, it's either they can't read your facial expressions/body language which is plastered all over you, or they just choose to ignore and continue being irritating.

these days, i'm tasting irritation big time, and i think i'll be stuck with it for a few years.

so you can be assured that from now onwards, if i'm nice to you, i genuinely like you and want to be nice to you.

isn't it nice to know the truth?