Sergeant at Arms: “Madam Speaker! The President of the United States!!!”
*crowd stands and applauds wildly as Obama enters and fist bumps a few of the cool congress critters*
*crowd continues to applaud as Obama takes his place at the podium after recoiling in horror as Nancy Pelosi tries to give him a kiss and he then wakes Joe Biden up*
“Thank you …. Thank you …. Be seated, please”
*crowd still yelling and clapping*
“Thank you … Please, sit down”
*crowd calms down and takes their seats*
“Members of congress, the supreme court, my cabinet, the joint chiefs, distinguished guests and MY Fellow Americans ….
HOLA BEEEECHES!!!”
*crowd goes wild again*
*supreme court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg takes off her panties and throws them up on the podium*
“Thank you” *hangs panties over the microphone* “Thank you”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the state of the union is all kinds of fucked up. And no, Harry Reid that is not using ‘negro dialect.’ Things are a total mess. I stand here today stuck between two forces. Insanity and delusion on the right, and disarray and incompetence on the left. You people are a bunch of overgrown children. You don’t get 100% of every little bitty thing you want so you throw a HUGE hissy fit, stomp around, kick things and then go sulk in the corner and refuse to participate any further. Seriously, you guys and gals are just a bunch of spoiled little brats. And it’s getting pretty damn old.
But, before we go any further, lets have a little musical interlude here. Ladies and gentlemen, Dianna Agron and Lea Michele from the hit show “Glee” are here to do their rendition of
*crowd gets up and dances with the girls*
*standing ovation after the song is over*
“Thank you. Thank you so much ladies. Wow! They’re freaking hawt aren’t they? Oh the things I would do to those girls. Especially Lea. Hah, and people say I don’t support the Jews.”
*laughter*
*standing ovation cause everybody loves Jewish girls*
“Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Screw you people here in this room. You guys all suck. You can’t or won’t do a damn thing right. I mean, Harry Reid let health care just sit around for more than six freaking months and then we lost that seat in Massachusetts and lost our super majority. Nice work Harry. And now, man the dems are so pathetic, now the democrats are all “Oh noooooooo …. we ONLY have 59 seats in the senate … what will do?? We can’t do anything now. Booo-hooo … whaaaaaaah” You big babies.
Hell, the democrats are so screwed up and in such disarray that Haiti just pledged one million dollars to the reconstruction effort.”
Joe Biden: “Hey-OH!”
“And I don’t know what you republicans are laughing at. You’re the reason we’re in this freaking mess. You pissed away the biggest surplus in this country’s history and then as soon as you were out of power you started screaming about out of control spending. And then when I proposed to do exactly what you guys have been saying we should do for 20 years, appoint a bi-partisan committee to deal with the deficit, you guys bailed and made sure it didn’t pass. Because you’re all about putting politics before what’s right for America.”
*Joe Biden looks disapprovingly at the republicans and shakes his head slowly in disgust.*
“Hell, you people have me so pissed off that I’m thinking about just joining you. I’m considering just governing through fake populist bullcrap ideas and political gimmicks like calling for a freeze in discretionary spending. Oh wait .. I just did.”
Joe Biden: “Hey-OH!”
“Shut up Joe.”
*standing ovation*
“And how about that Supreme Court huh? Gotta love that decision to allow corporations to donate any amount of money they want and shit. I didn’t react immediately to the news of that decision cause I wanted to give my republican friends the chance to trot out their “Judicial activism is bad” routine. But, it never happened. Weird huh?
Look, I could go on and on for another hour about all the thing that need to be done, but we all already know what needs to be done. And we know the reality of how it can be done. But, you people aren’t going to do it. You’re gonna take extremist positions that will never work and pander to your party base. So, why bother? I say screw it. Let’s just all spend the rest of the allotted network time by having the Gleekins do another song for us. That way the American people will be entertained while we’re fucking them over.
Besides. My approval ratings just went up 5 points while I was bashing you guys. Funny how that works, huh?
So, before Dianna and Lea come back up here and perform “Justify My Love” from Madonna, let me just say Allah Ak … whoa! Heheh, you almost caught me there.
*laughter*
*Joe Biden “I don’t get it? Why was that funny?”*
“Anyway, good night and God bless and GOD BLESS America.”
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