Hey-OOOO! More Monologue Jokes ...

Okay kids. Since last week's audio posting of my weekly (or occasional) monologue jokes (which are more like Weekend Update jokes, but whatever) was so damn hilarious, I decided to do it again! Hey, I saw that eye roll!

Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(As usual, if you're reading this in Google Reader you can't see the player, but there will be one at the bottom of the post.)

And, once again, because I am such a great freaking guy, I will include the monologue for those of you who are at work and don't have sound or have some aversion to clicking on audio players. (Hey, at least it doesn't auto play!)

1. Billy Ray Cyrus says that “Hannah Montana” ruined his life and his family. This makes Hannah the first TV character to ruin someone's life since Murphy Brown ruined Dan Quayle's.

2. The FDA lowered the minimum BMI for people with obesity related health issues who would like to have Lap-Band surgery. For more information just see the flier included with your combo meal at McDonald's.

3. MLB spring training has begun. This means the Pittsburgh Pirates are only a few weeks away from being mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

4. A recent poll showed that 51% of registered republicans think that Barack Obama was born in a foreign country. But, in their defense 71% of those people think Hawaii IS a foreign country.

5. A group in Mississippi want the legislature to give the okay to vanity license plates that would honor Civil War General and first Grand Wizard of the KKK Nathan Bedford Forrest. A spokesperson for the state said a final decision will be made sometime after James Earl Ray Day.

6. Eagles QB Mike Vick canceled a scheduled appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Apparently his advisers have him on a short leash.

7. Tiger Woods was fined an undisclosed amount last week for spitting on a green in a European Golf Tournament. Woods apologized but added that when one is chocking as badly as he was, you just have to spit sometimes.

8. And finally IBM Super Computer Watson beat Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter in a two day match on Jeopardy. The whole thing almost didn't happen when Watson threatened to walk out after being insulted by some questions about “2001: A Space Odyssey”

Okay, there ya go! Remember to tip your waitress. Drive safely everyone!

Okay, The Other Side Of The John Mayer Racist Cock Thing ...

First of all check it out!  I won Doc’s Tweet of the Week! 


And how did I win this, you ask?  Well, during the Super Bowl there was an ad for the new Harry Potter Experience at Disney.  Right after that ad ran I tweeted:

“Unfortunately there isn’t a Hermione ride at the new Harry Potter theme park.”

Yeah, I’m witty.

I was surprised that I won, since Doc normally only gives that award to hot chicks.  But, apparently if you tweet ABOUT hot chicks, you have a chance at winning.   Or at least a chick that a lot of other people think is hot.  Emma is very talented and quite attractive and I’m sure she’s a nice person.  But, I don’t know that I would put her in the “hot” category.


--

Okay, so back to this John Mayer business.  I had some fun at his expense here Wednesday, but let me be clear*, I do NOT think John Mayer is a racist.  I think he’s got limited social skills and he thought he was being really cool and edgy and the interview got a way from him. 

So, John Mayer doesn’t date black women.  Is this really a problem? Forget the words he used, just focus on what he was trying to say.  Robert DeNiro only dates black women.  Is he a reverse racist?  Of course not. 

Just because a person has a preference, doesn’t make them a racist or bad in any other way.

Some men are attracted to blondes, some love redheads or brunettes.  Some men have a thing for Latinas.  Or Asians.  Or any other ethic group of women.  Just like some men prefer short or tall, skinny or not so skinny women. 

Same thing for women.  They have their preferences.  White, black, Asian, Latin, tall, short, skinny, not so skinny whatever. 

Although, when it comes to women it’s commonly referred to as “preference,” while for men it’s generally considered a “fetish.”  We do that because “fetish” has a negative connotation to it and if a man has a “thing” for say, Asian women, then it is probably driven by something perverted.

Now granted, sometimes it IS a fetish.  I know a lot of Asian women are leery of white men because they can sometimes be kinda creepy in their pursuit of Asian women.  Totally understandable.  But, just because a guy has a thing for Asian women, it doesn’t mean it’s a fetish. It could also just be a natural attraction to Asian features and attitudes.  We’ll pretend that women NEVER have these types of fetishes. 

And, sometimes people just want to see what it’s like to have sex with someone of a different race.  We’ll pretend that women never do this either. 

I know that in some places interracial dating is still a big deal.  And, all the guilty white liberals out there are outraged when they hear someone mention that they’ve never dated outside of their race.  But, the fact of the matter is, most people haven’t.  Are most people in favor of it? Probably, but that doesn’t mean they have.  In fact, most of the people “outraged” by Mayer’s words haven’t dated outside their race either.

The fact is you like who you like. 

Granted, we all claim to have a certain preference, and then often times end up with someone who is “totally not my type.”  But, for the most part we are attracted to certain traits, both physical and emotional and that’s that.  The color skin that those traits are wrapped in doesn’t really matter to most of us.  And I guess in some cases those traits that we are attracted to only come wrapped in one color skin.  It doesn’t mean we’re racists though. 

Do I find it kind of crazy that John Mayer is in a position that he can nail any hot chick on Earth, including Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Anniston and Jessica Simpson and he’s never taken a run at Megan Goode or Regina King or Zhang Ziyi or Freda Pinto or Padma Lakshmi or Penelope Cruz or any of the Kardashians?  Well, yes.  But, only because that’s what I would be doing if I was in his position.  Doesn’t mean he’s wrong.  Maybe he just lacks imagination.

Anyway, my point is it’s time that people stopped freaking out over race when it really doesn’t matter.  Somebody famous, who is also famous for getting with lots of super hot chicks doesn’t have sex with black women.  It’s not odd, or bad or racist or really anything significant at all.  Well, it isn’t unless he calls his wee-wee a white supremacist.  Then things get a little weird.




*Oh God!  Now Obama has me using that phrase.  Seriously people, every time you hear Obama speak, drink each time he says “let me be clear.”

The Playoffs and Auburn U. Rednecks ...

So it’s playoffs time in the Cynical Blog League.

Here are the results form the opening round …


And next week’s matchups in the semi-finals …


You might have noticed that The New York Rockers beat the Bronx Bombers by the slimmest margin possible of only .05 points. This happened after Eli Manning threw an interception at the very end of the game giving the Rockers the win.

Needless to say this very fishy ending has set off red flags at the US Attorney’s Office in Manhattan. There are all kinds of rumors of Mob involvement in this game. There might even be a Congressional investigation.


Yes, there is a consolation bracket also and here are the results from the first round …


And next week’s matchups …



Tennis booty break …


That’s Jelena Dokic, in case you were wondering.


Oh hey Secret Service agents, anytime one of you guys want to step in front of the President when there is a size 10 Bruno Magli wizzing through the air right at his dome, feel free. I’m just sayin’.

Which brings me to an all new feature here on the blog. NFL players I would throw a shoe at if I got the chance.

1. David Gerrard
2. Laveraneus Coles
3. Trent Fucking Edwards
4. Lee Evans
5. Donnie Avery
6. Dan Carpenter (fucking kickers)


Yeah, that might be the only time we run that feature. But, I kind of like it, so I might start throwing cyber shoes at celebrities and politicians also. I’ll think it over.


Anybody thirsty?


--

On a serious note …

So Auburn University had an opening for the position of Head Football Coach. And there were two finalists for the job …

Candidate A took over the program at Iowa St. and, much to everyone’s surprise found a way to make that team even worse. His major accomplishment was to actually go WINLESS in the Big 12 this past season and LOSE his final 10 games of the season.

Candidate B took over one of the worst programs in America at the University of Buffalo and has turned that program into MAC Conference Champions after beating previously undefeated Ball State in the MAC Conference Championship game. He is also widely considered to be one of the best mentors of young men among all the collage coaches.

So, which coach did Auburn hire as their new head coach?

Hint: Candidate B, Turner Gill is black and has a white wife.

Uh, yeah, Auburn hired Gene Chizik who they said they were “more comfortable with” and “was a better ‘fit’.”

If things like “more comfortable” and “a better fit” don’t sound like code words for “he was white and has a white wife” then I don’t know what does. You sure as hell can’t claim that Chizik has the better resume.

What’s even better is that there is NOBODY defending Auburn on this. Even the Auburn fans are pissed as hell over this. It wasn’t that the people of Alabama wouldn’t accept a black coach who has a white wife. It was that the Board of Trustees at Auburn University, a group of old white men in blue suits, wouldn’t accept a black coach who has a white wife.

It’s bad enough to bring in minority coaches to interview and just go through the motions and then hire a white guy. Schools do that all the time. But, it’s quite another to bring in a truly gifted coach and great person like Turner Gill and parade him around town and then suddenly meet his wife and see that they are an interracial couple and then humiliate him by hiring this Chizik chump.

Auburn University should be ashamed of itself after this.

Here’s the Fox Sports article on the Good Old Boy network and Cronyism that goes on at Auburn.




BTW, you're free to disagree with me about Auburn, but if you do you MUST tell me how Chizik was deserving of that job. I don't think anyone can.