There’s nothing like sitting in a darkened theater waiting for a movie you took a second mortgage out on your house to get tickets for, those creaky seats, that sticky floor, those brats making out in the corner, those Raisinets oh so yummy. It’s an electric experience watching a movie outside of your house and off your sofa. Then the movie starts. And the world implodes on itself in a cascade of fire and brimstone.
All because the movie is framed all wrong. Or the characters are 20 feet tall, but only four inches wide. Or the movie’s optical soundtrack is doing a static shuffle on the left side of the screen. Or the film is somehow defying gravity, and Newton’s entire existence, by being projected onto the ceiling. Or the picture is slanted, as if it were trying to peak into the adjacent theater for a more interesting plot. Or … the possibilities are endless.
The problems that plague the projection of a motion picture are many. But they can really destroy your movie (not to mention waste your money). It’s even more frustrating than it should be because you sit there hoping someone else complains to management. Surely someone else will complain. Right?!? Why isn’t it being fixed? I’m missing the movie? Why is the top of the head at the bottom of the screen? Someone help? I’m convulsing! Before you know it the movie’s into its second act, you’ve choked to death on a Milk Dud and finally the projectionist, who also salts your McDonald’s French fries after a hard day of text messaging at high school, wanders up to the projection booth to stage a cinema rescue. By the way, the movie can’t be rewound so just invent your own first act.
Now, I was a movie projectionist for three years and I’m now a movie critic. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a perfectionist when it comes to the mechanics of a properly screened film. But recently even the press screenings, which are usually the first showings of a movie in the entire state, have had terrible projection. If members of the press, who could influence when and how frequent a person might visit a movie theater, are treated to shameful projection work then what is the average public getting? Pretty much that or worse.
In response, here are some common problems that might pop up during your next visit to the multiplex. If you see one of them, chances are it will be at the very beginning of the movie, or even the previews before that. When you see a problem, hustle out to an employee and make a fuss until they sprint up to the booth and fix the problem before you miss even a second of your film. You paid for the best version of that movie, not some sub-par, blurry, slanted, out-of-frame hackjob. Take what you deserve and nothing less.
— Michael Clawson
If your movie looks like it’s riding over a cattle guard that just won’t seem to end, then, “Houston, we have a problem.” Occasionally this can be extreme, but most often it’s very subtle. You may even think your eyes are playing tricks on you. The problem comes from the projector’s gate, which holds the film in front of the shutter and the light source. A loose or open gate can cause a wobbly picture, as well as other worse things.
The best way to tell if a movie’s out of focus is during the opening credits or in the fine print of the movie preview ads. The tiny white text on a black screen provides a good indicator of how sharp the picture is: if words are hard to read or the letters have soft edges then maybe it’s a little soft, or even blurry. Projector operators should be checking this before they walk away from the machine, but sharpness is relative and each person requires their own standard. Make sure yours is higher than that of the theater.
You might not notice this problem unless you frequent sneak preview screenings, first showings or films that share theaters with other films (kiddie flick in the day, R-rated thriller at night). Every projector has its choice of two lenses — flat or scope. The lenses correspond to the way the actual film was shot and can’t be interchanged; for example a flat lens on a scope movie just won’t work, and then vice versa. But occasionally the projection booth will mix them up (like when they're shuffling movies around) and what you usually end up with is a grossly distorted picture with Nicole Richie-skinny characters. If a projectionist doesn’t notice this problem before walking away they should be forced to watch the entire movie with the wrong lens as punishment. And it should be Pluto Nash.
Here’s another no-brainer. There should only be one frame of a picture on the screen at any given moment. If you have half of one and half of another, do the math and you’re actually watching negative movie. Sometimes this is extreme (forehead on bottom, chin on top), but most of the time it’s hard to catch. If a person has too much empty space above their head, or their head’s getting slightly cut off on the top, that’s usually an indication of a problem upstairs. On some films you can actually see boom mics recording the dialogue. That’s not a revealing mistake: the film is just not framed correctly. Don’t be too too hard on the projectionist; sometimes perfect framing is tricky. But if you see boom mics, go ballistic.
Are you seeing picture on the black curtain on the sides of the screen? If so you’re witnessing the continuing downward spiral that is mankind. For this to happen a person stood up at that little window in the projection booth, pondered why the screen had texture AND WAS BLACK, and then walked away to watch the nudie scenes in a theater down the hall. This problem relates back to the projector’s lenses. Each lens makes a certain size picture and the curtains that frame the screen control the picture’s shape (along with the aperture). If the theater isn’t on the ball those curtains will be pulled in or over the film, which will then be projecting on thick black fabric instead of the actual screen. The curtains (or masking) are retractable, so the fix is easy. These tiny curtains are different than a curtain that may cover a screen before a movie, which are rare in theaters. Arizona has several screens with full curtains (they're called Cine Capris), but even those are open for pre-movie ad slideshows, closed briefly before the movie begins and opened in grand fashion before the first trailers. That's a lot of openin' and closin'.
It all goes back to lenses. Everything is linked, and if something is out of sync the picture suffers. The aperture is what controls the shape of the picture up inside the projection booth; the side or top curtains control the shape of the actual screen. The aperture is simply a piece of metal with a rectangular hole that slides into the projector behind the gate, which holds the film in place. If the wrong aperture is reeled up with the film, then the picture will either feature too much picture or not enough, as if you were watching the film looking through slats in a fence. This is never difficult to spot and you’ll know it right away if it’s happening. How the projectionist walked away without seeing it, though, may be more difficult to figure out.
¡Más problemas!
• Scratches • No sound, crackly sound, fading sound •Munchkin kicking back of seat • Feet cemented to soda spill on ground • Dark picture, dim bulb • Melting picture (no joke, this happens) • Smoke or visible flames • Invisible flames too •RetaliateIf even one of these problems happens to you, then I offer one tiny (and legal) solution: this complaint card. Open it, print it and stuff it in your purse or wallet before you trek to the multiplex. Use only in an extreme movie emergency.
***This feature originally ran in the West Valley View, in the Volume section, Oct. 23, 2007.***
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