What will I be?

Lied wide awake all night just thinking about my future.

I couldn't sleep. As much as I told my myself to stop thinking and start snoozing, I was actually happily relenting, allowing my mind to wander, and dream, and roam free.

I felt so sure about what I wanted to do...for the first time. Started to visualise and I felt excited. Felt so confident about my choice that it scared me. Doesn't happen usually as I'm always weighing the pros and cons, that up until now I still cannot make up my mind.

But when I woke up this morning into bright daylight, into reality, doubts started to sink in again. I started to be unsure and afraid. Feeling unable to measure up, doubting if I'm cut out for it.

When will I ever be sure?

When will I ever know?

But Daddy, you've been faithfully giving me opportunities to 'test-run' my ambition.

Guess I'll know after all is said and done :)

love, careen.

Love Cuts

you know how they say, 'a picture paints a thousand words'?

in this case, a poster paints the entire movie.

look at this poster below, what does it tell you?

it came as a surprise to me initially as Singaporean movies rarely has any provocative movie posters. plus, i love Zoe Tay's acting so it sorta intrigued me to find out about this movie.

but provocativeness and obscenity aside, if you look closely at the character's expressions in the poster, it doesn't come across as they're being sensual. instead, it paints a painful expression. it tells of anxiousness, hopelessness for the wife, assurance and protection by her other half.

this movie is about the wife battling with breast cancer, and to me, the poster brilliantly brings out the message of the movie.

i feel sad when i look at this poster, really.

and i think it's so brilliantly put together :')

*applause*

what do YOU think? :)

love, careen

Of killer heels and distorted feet

why is this poor girl using her antique phone to camho?

thanks to my cute little sis who dropped the camera and spoiled it instantly :( i dropped it countless times before but it survived! oh well :(

working for AXE these two weeks. not too bad, except that we need to walk around in heels a lot. poor me is seriously suffering from feet-distortion.

like, the girls actually prepare one packet of plaster for each day of work. major, huh? well, that's the hard work and suffering beneath the good-looking exterior. see photos of girls smiling oh-so-sweetly in Super GT and F1? they suffer like, 10x more. hot sun and aching feet! yucks.

after i removed my sky-high heels, weird things would pop put of my feet. like veins or something. then when i press on them it aches like nobody's business. like bruises but not bruises cos where got bruises pop out wan, right??

and i also noticed that my toes are growing in weird directions. their bone structures are getting funny looking too. or am i just scaring myself?

*sigh* guess i'd need Boon who hasn't seen me for almost 3 weeks now to verify..see if he can tell the difference.

i'm really wondering if there are any heels that wouldn't cause feet to hurt, and also distort the whole structure. if there's someone who can come up with such super-heels, i'd kowtow to that person 500 times i promise!!!!

it is truly painful to look good, at least to match up with society's image of "looking good". plus, i'm not very vertically well-endowed so heels have become so necessary! argh why am i a girl :(

okay, this is when you come around and console me.

just kidding! :D

signing off. *group hug*

love, careen.

i want my sweet escape

there's something about the sand, sea and skies that makes me happy.

due to some certain issues, my heart feels so heavy. i don't feel upset, i feel sad. it's such a small issue, or maybe it isnt, depending on how i choose look at it. why must things be so complex?

baby has gone offshore again..for a whole week.

not too long as compared to normal times, but still long enough to catch me by surprise. decided yesterday and here he is right there right now.

he has no choice. i'm so proud of my hardworking bf.

i dont like to rant openly in a public domain like this. i know the complications and troubles it'll get me into. i wanna update my blog, and this is the only time i can until next week prolly due to my crazily packed schedule, and so happen i'm feeling this way. dowana pretend to be happy.

wed- work, POS prac at night

thurs- work, cell group

fri- work, cell group, midnight prayer meeting

sat- whole day in malacca for early mother's day

sun- church, POS practice, assignments

mon- college starts.

never thought penang could look this nice :)

sorry for sliding back to my blog in such a mellow tone.

you know i'll be fine after this ;)

HTV at 6, leaders meeting. i better get going.

love this picture cos i looked slim.

*group hugs*

love, careen.

bon voyage

i'll be counting down the days til i see you. 2 weeks or more :(
love the times spent in these few days together. love is sweeter when you love and appreciate each other :)

ignore my slappable act cute face. my baby loves it!:P

what a work of art! ;)

can't believe i broke into tears the other day even after 6 years now.
i love you...you will be dearly dearly missed. someone at home's waiting for you to come back safely :)

maybe absence does make the heart fonder?
thank God for phone line, internet and SKYPE!

love, careen.

feel it throb

stress all over my body. all over my head.
i can feel it throbbing inside my muscles. even harder on my heartbeat.
breathing is more shallow yet harder. wait, it's hardly even audible.

so many things to do, so many things to think about.
so many things running inside my head, lined up waiting to be ticked off my mental "to-do-list".

yet i feel so paralysed as i sit here and write.
so tired, pretty unwell. many many obligations.

can't wait for my sweet escape.
blue cloudy skies, clear sea waters, and sand between my toes.
hand in hand, strolling across the beach. head on his shoulder, enjoying the cool night breeze.

each task will make me stronger.
i will love the feeling of accomplishment, ticking off one task after another.

it's a joy to be busy, a joy to serve.
it's a greater joy to write, to understand, to make my feelings clear.
:)

Earthquake in Chile

had the first day of class today. so glad to be able to see all my beloved classmates again. all of em are seriously really lovable folks :)

am introduced to several new subjects this semester. all the design subjects coming in this sem. need God's grace to be able to do it..cos i am a noob who has absolutely NO clue about designing, html, photoshop, etc. i dont even know how to operate a Mac smoothly!

exciting start to the new sem. hope i'll stay excited throughout :)

...

early this year when the earthquake hit Haiti, i had no clue about it until days later..which left me feeling very bad.

as for the recent Chile earthquake, i found out about it on the day itself (from Twitter. Twitter is the ultimate news source!). it's really unfortunate, and i feel for the country, for the victims and their families.

had a nightmare about Haiti after i found out about the earthquake the other time, and for the Chile earthquake, i did have a nightmare too. the paling sweat-able thing is, it is not about the Chile earthquake. i dreamed that Britney Spears committed suicide =.="

though i'm not exactly a huge fan of BS', i'd definitely cry and be extremely scared if my nightmare comes true :/ i always dream about earthquakes, it's been a couple of times. but i never dreamed about Britney Spears before. and i never dreamed of anyone commiting suicide before too. haha random siot! don't laugh...i woke up pretty emo...

found out today that more than 700 have been sacrificed in the earthquake. my heart breaks to see buildings crumble..wondering what happens to the victims in there. i always imagine myself in an earthquake situation, and it never fails to scare me.

it's not that i wanna scare myself for no reason, but really, you wouldn't know how to empathize and sympatize, until you put urself in the other person's shoes.

pictures from dailymail.co.uk.

it's really really bad..

brave rescue workers..

carrying an earthquake victim out.

looters who took advantage and made the situation even worse and sorrowful. well, maybe they have lost all their belongings and money.

please fo pray for Chile. still not forgetting Haiti.

the world is changing, becoming more and more destroyed and plague by natural disasters and accidents by the day. cherish those around you, live life like it's your last day everyday. seize every opportunity to love.

not to make u feel emo, but to really remind ourselves that our lives can come to an end anytime. life's fragile, seen it too much with the people around me.

therefore, live like we're dying, and we'll never have to regret. get right with God too, before it's too late :)

ok i feel like a nanny leaving her last speech. *choi!*

love you guys that's why :)

love, careen.

because he cracks me up like that

woke up at the wrong side of the bed, been feeling gloomy the whole day until a few very unintentionally funny statement that was made by my beloved,
my day was brightened up again :)

our Skype convo:

the close up:

hehehe :)

sometimes, it's true that having a bf with a sense of humour is essential ;)

signing off!

love, careen.

missing bro. bock

this is a pic taken by bro. bock.
love frontal pics that turn out pretty :)

if you're wondering who's this bro. bock guy i'm talking about,
i'm referring to my beloved bf :P

why brother bock?
let me unlock the mystery. hahaha :P

sometime back, Marie's mum got all mixed up with Boon Hock's name and called him Hoon Bock instead, and that's how the whole Bro. Bock thing came about. hahaha and i think it's really cute...brother bock :P

well, i've got a confession.
though it's very often that he travels offshore, for meetings, trainings, i even lost count hehe, by right i should have gotten used to him being away.

i may hao-hao-seng-seng say i'm used to it, but actually i still miss him each time he's away. this time it's worse cos we just had such a fun weekend at Genting. and now, he's on the plane sleeping i think. won't be coming back til the end of the month or more :(

almost 5 years of being together, people often ask me if i ever get bored in this relationship. and my honest answer is no, i am not and i have never been.


one of the reasons is because we have so much fun when we're together all the time. though we're 4 years apart, we can click well and have never run dry of things to talk about, even up till now. another reason is because he is such a great listener. he's really the best friend :)

as i was alone in my room today, i pondered on our relationship for the past five years. after all that we went through, we're now at a considerably comfortable stage. enjoying every moment we spend with each other without objection from parents, dramas etc etc. and i really treasure every moment.

and thinking back, i really feel that he improves himself as a bf, as an employee, as a son, as a brother, and as a friend by the day. i wonder how he can be so thoughtful and giving to the ppl around him all the time. yes, still wondering after so long.

no wonder my sisters lurve him too :)

well, people say that you won't miss someone that much when you bury yourself with work, events, stress. let's see if it works. hmm :(

individual drama assignment on tuesday 8am (what a time! *yawns*), some critique assignment due on friday, and many more to come which i don't even wanna think about. well, maybe i should start thinking so that i dont miss bro. bock that badly :(

*emo*
big girls don't cry :'(

love, careen.

sailing away

from now onwards till november,
my beloved will be offshore every now and then.

almost 5 years of being together,
i still miss you like crazy each time you're not around.

and i think i miss you already.
2 more weeks to go...

love, careen.

unpretentious = mean?

it's raining outside, and i'm sitting in the library, clicking away in facebook AGAIN.

it feels rather disappointing and agitating knowing that for the entire day since 8am, i havent learnt anything. yes, you heard me right. classes either end really fast with nothing taught only talked, or just dismissed simply because they aren't enough chairs (???)

let's not talk about paying so much to come here and not learn a single thing (cos that would be a whole different story altogether), but the time wasted. i won't get into the details but yeah, today i'm just here to rant it out.

on a seperate note, i have been trying to be nice one too many times, and i've come to a point that i'm just sick and disgusted at myself for being pretentious.

i don't mean pretentious in a bad way, probably a bad way for myself cos i'm just not being truthful to people who deserve the truth to be put right up their faces, and most of the time i'd just protect their feelings and just be nice no matter how sucky they really are. and that's lying though i've got nice and good intentions. after doing it for almost two decades, it becomes sickening.

my mum told me that since i was little, she could see that i am all out to please the people around me, which makes me so likeable. but in the end i lose cos people would look pass my needs and just take advantage for the fact that, i'm nice, and i won't fight back and offend anybody.

but really, if i continue to be all that nice to people (which they obviously enjoy because they won't feel uneasy around me no matter what they do), i would (1) help them to live in a lie and (2) make myself feel miserable and in the end everyone loses and suffers.

so, when you're really irritated with someone's sucky behavior and you show that you are in fact irritated already, is that being mean?

let me know, because i've grown to please people and care for people's feelings for far too long, that when i start to be real and unpretentious with the people around me, i'm not used to it. however, i'm enjoying it. enjoying the fact that i'm being genuine and honest. it liberates me knowing that i'm being real.

some people are just so thick-skinned, it's either they can't read your facial expressions/body language which is plastered all over you, or they just choose to ignore and continue being irritating.

these days, i'm tasting irritation big time, and i think i'll be stuck with it for a few years.

so you can be assured that from now onwards, if i'm nice to you, i genuinely like you and want to be nice to you.

isn't it nice to know the truth?

The inflammation

here it is again- the legendary throat inflammation.

since i was little, i've been having very sensitive throat. and once i get throat inflammation, that's it. the rest will start pouring in- fever, flu, and the whole sick cycle will come around again.

yesterday i woke up with a sore throat, and then my throat was inflammed. then it was followed by the sick-feeling (i bet you know what i'm talking about), and finally the ultimate one, fever.

had to struggle to finish my test articles for a part-time writer job i'm applying for. struggled and managed to finish one yesterday, two more to go for today.

the sucky part is that i can't even think like how i normally do. that explains why my blog post is so different today. no sampat stuff, no camho pics (totally no mood for that, strangely). let alone think creatively.

woke up today and thought i'd feel a least bit better, but nope i didn't. it felt as if a hadn't taken med at all..it is still the same sick feeling i felt yesterday.

let's hope this will not go on and develop into some swine-related disease. and wish me all the best and hopefully the writer-company will be able to understand what i'm writing to them.

love, careen.

The search is still on!

yes, you guessed it right.
that ridiculous search for "those tattoo-printed leggings" is still on.

i know...i know i said i gave up but c'mon! careen tan is not one who gives up easily, is she now?? hahaha sigh...this whole search thing is only making me more frustrated. i've never actually craved for an item so badly in my life.

those leggings are really special..i've never seen anyone wear them before. like, really. they're literally like, tattoo-printed..not only that, they sell floral/henna printed leggings too. i mean, how unique, right? and they're selling for only RM20-RM45. how can i be so stupid to be soooo attracted to those but actually not even remembering where or how i got to that holy site. hahhaah waaaaweeee~

sigh. i searched high and low...the best i know how.

i bothered my friends on facebook with my legging-frustartion, hoping to get some help but to no avail..apparently not many people are bothered to search for leggings with me. hahhah oh my i sound quite bimbo.

i also bothered (am bothering) my precious *muax muax* readers with my ridiculous search...i guess only to make them stop reading my blog evermore cos really, nobody bothers looking for stupid leggings for just, me.

i mean, imagine if American Sweetheart Jennifer Anniston gives a shout out to all her fans to help her find "those tattoo-printed leggings", i can guarantee that not only will her wish be granted in less than a day (mine lasted for erm, 2 days now. haha), probably some of her designer buddies will make her some tattoo-printed leggings with gold embedded in it!

sigh if only...

and if only Google was as good as i imagined it to be!
i practically Googled ANYTHING possibly related to it. ANYTHING.....

i typed:

malaysian blog shop tattoo-printed leggings
malaysian blog shop floral-printed leggings
malaysian blog shop tattoo floral printed leggings
malaysian blog shop leggings


......and to no avail, literally!
i actually searched each and every page, my goodness, hoping to recognise any pictures familiar to me (i thought it'd be easier that way, you see) cos i have awesome photographic memory *ahem*, and this is what i get.

at the very last page for crying out loud!!!
okay 38 pages not that many but still?!

and i found baby jumpsuit, michelle obama (??),
thick footless tights leggings (don't like!!!), and some japanese site...

can somebody hear my cry!!!!!
*huhuhuhu.......* (okay that's not how i sound when i cry)

*you blog shop owner, you'd better feel honored that somebody somewhere (me) is feeling miserable and totally vulnerable because of your existent/non-existent site.

oh wait, maybe, i was just catching a glimpse of the future.

sigh whatever it is,
the search will go on...

my love will stand the test of time!!

love, careen.

those tattoo-printed leggings

came across this particular blog-shop which sell nice, bold, tattoo-printed leggings and guess what, i totally forgot the URL and still can't manage to track it. sigh depressed is me.

well, at least to make me feel better,
my baby's gonna help me fetch home this aweeesome dress tonight! :D

i'm in ♥
http://www.an-old-flame.blogspot.com/
i think Cynthia makes a real good model herself.

clothes look good on her somehow or rather :)
which makes me like her blog-shop too..prefer to buy stuff from blog-shops which has a real (and beautiful) person modelling the clothes than just simply laying them on the ground and snap a picture, or just place them on a size 0 mannequin :/

at least we get a rough idea of how it'll look like on a real person. okay i'm just picky when it comes to clothings, and apparently, blog-shops too. i think i'm becoming a spendthrift these days. been buying things and i can't even recall what. haha oh well, a voice tells me that i should pamper and reward myself for all the hard work past few months. or maybe that's the only voice i choose to hear :P

what a lazy day. have been trying to search for that particular legging blog-shop the whole day. tried Google, tried BFF, A Shopaholics Den, Tongue in Chic, almost whatever you can think of..still can't find. how frustrating!

i know i said i gave up,
but i havent :(

baby says that if it's fated, i'll be able to find it again.

somehow sometimes, i don't like this whole "fate" thing.
hmprh :(

can somebody help me????
God help me..... *sniffsss

love, careen.

period pain...........

a random candid shot taken by the bf.
was suffering from severe cramp and just had to lie down on the seats in Rakuzen to ease the pain a little.

i couldn't even really put myself to enjoy my favourite Salmon Sashimi.

sometimes, being a girl is not such a bliss.
the kinda pain most of us go through every month will be something that the male species will never be able to understand. it's times like these that makes you wanna just stay at home and do nothing. lie on the bed and get emo...

this is the second time i'm blogging about this cruel, constant pain. some of you would paobably think that period pain is nothing compared to labour pain but it has got nothing to do with me yet so period pain is still the joy-killer. sigh...it puts me in such a bad mood.

just makes me feel so lifeless each time. having the day off today, thought i could take some time off uploading pics and videos onto facebook, blog, blog-hop, surf the net, but turns out,

i think i'm falling sick :(

feeling cold all of a sudden. coughing all of a sudden.
and how can we forget, the constant cramp in the stomach.

i wanna rest and take a nap, but another part of me says that i should make use of my time,
since i have some in my hands right now.

somehow, i just can't seem to get myself to lie down and rest.

sigh. why??

Quickies 1 to 10

1. i miss blogging too much.

2. wanting to do so much, having so little time.

3. i'm quitting coffee bean soon.

4. i'm starting college in 3 weeks' time. a whole new routine.

5. i want to dress up. i miss spending hours dressing up.

6. i'm gonna really enjoy my night.

7. i wanna watch a movie.

8. i wanna read back on Dr AR Bernard's sermon notes.

9. me and baby will sit down, looking into each other's eye, and talk :)

10. i'm watching ice age with my family this thursday. the last movie we watched together...i can't remember what even!

that's all for now :)

love, careen.

the kind of daughter

sometimes i wish i'd never ever get my hands on photo-editting softwares like Photoshop.
it feels good to know that i don't have to edit my pictures.

it makes me feel real..for some reason..oh well :)

♥ pictures that make me happy:

on the Father's Day message board in Marche.
i think we occupied quite a lot of the space :P

dad surprised + happy :)

he added, "the 7 sisters". :)

and Melody wants to write a personal note for daddy too :)

"Happy Father's Day I ♥ You
=) Love Melody"

wearing a dress given by my spiritual father on father's day :)
pastor has great fashion sense!

Evan wears off-shoulders too! unintentional though :P

-♥-

i'll be heading off to S'pore at midnight til monday.
this would probably be one of the many trips which i plan and handle on my own with my friends.

we plan the transportation, accomodation, itineraries, just about everything.
most of the times nowadays, i'd only inform my parents on my plans on trips, performances and my whereabouts..unlike the younger days where much of everything would be planned and "worried" by the parents, and permission would be needed before everything can be planned.

*thinking back on my first ever youth camp. that was classic.
it was as if i was going for war for years. hahahaa!

this time around, i'll be spending my own money for this trip, i exchanged them into SGD, i decide how much i'll be bringing, i decide what i want to do with my own money.

now that i sit down and think, this trip is really far different from the rest that i had before now. i did not have to require help, assistance and "worries" from my parents at all.

to me, it might be a great thing. it gives me a feeling that i'm grown up and able to handle my own life. without needing to trouble my parents for money and anything else. to me, i feel happy that i can spare them the troubles and worries.

but at the same time, i can feel that my parents do feel a little surreal..it's as if their baby girl has suddenly just grown up. each time they try to help out with my planning, that thing would already be settled. i can see it in their eyes that they want to be involved in my life, and somehow, i guess parents just want to "worry", help and share responsibilities with their children regardless of how grown up they are.

to the extent that my dad started to question the details of my trip. what bus i'm taking, why take that bus, take a more comfortable one, what time is the departure, how much the tickets cost, where i'll be staying, why stay there, etc etc etc.

in the natural and initially, it felt kinda irritating and pissing-off. i felt that they didn't trust me enough to handle even a simple thing like that. my dad particularly had been nagging me and trying to "help out" in every way possible for these past few days.

he'd been telling me to avoid having any plans proir to my trip for fear that i'll be exhausted, that i need to get my rest cos i won't be able to rest in the bus cos it'll be jerky and wobbly, and people will be talking in the bus, i will not be able to sleep at all throughout the journey, etc etc etc.

so my Transformers movie date with baby has been scrapped off just like that.

and just now, he suggested that he'll fetch me as well as the rest all the way to the bus station close to midnight. so i told the rest about it, and they were thrilled. told my dad they were really thankful, and this is what he said.

"No need to thank wan. If they're good to my daughter, of course i'll be good to them. I want to fetch my daughter because i love her ma..."

at that moment i felt so rebuked...
i shouldn't have felt a least bit irritated and annoyed.
i should have let my parents into my life and my plans as well.

it feels sad that my parents can't even find the time to eat and spend time with me.
not that they dont have the time, but myself.

i have been too caught up...i should really start letting them in.

-♥-

gonna pack my stuff soon.
update when i get back :)

love, careen.

baby all grown up...

i love my daddy :)

-♥-

yours truly will be going for The Big Groove 09 on this friday in S'pore!
oh how exciting is that! :)

best of all, i'll be taking it as a vacation (shopping vacation, maybe) and a getaway for both me and the bf. sighhh...been too busy and caught up with the routines..can't wait :))

on a pretty seperate note,
it felt just like yesterday that my baby sis was as young and innocent as keira...

man, look at those big, round eyes.
how can anyone not fall in love with keira?

and now, my baby sis is one grown up toddler.

forever gonna be my baby..even when she's 46 years old!
and i'll be 66! oh man!!!!!!!!

ooooo she looks like a boy here. haha! i love her PJs :)

"baby, show me your teeth??"
"eeeeeeeeeee......."

:)

and she's very very smart, notti, and so mature!
don't grow up so fast!!!

love, careen.