Stoopid State Laws: Delaware & Florida (Cause Deleware Sucks)

Delaware:
The first of the laws just kind of seem to make sense:

“R” rated movies shall not be shown at drive-in theaters; It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment (I also think it’s grounds for finding oneself plopped in the loony bin); No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle…

There are a couple laws that make me scratch my head:

It is illegal to wear pants that are “firm fitting” around the waist: I guess threat of jail is one way to get rid of those unsightly muffin tops.

One may not whisper in church: Cause sign language is less distracting? Personally, I prefer telepathy in the House of the Lord.

Alcohol may not be served in nightclubs if dancing is occurring on the premises at the same time: A bunch of drunk people standing around doing nothing. Fun nightclub.

Six-year-old girls may not run around without being fully clothed: But four-year-olds, and all girls seven and older… It’s a Delaware Schoolgirls Gone Wild streak fest.

No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk: But a person can sleep for real on a bench no problem? And, how the hell can they tell if the person is pretending - they giggle because no one in Deleware passed Acting 101?

Blah, blah, boring. Delaware, thou art lame.

Florida: gimme something, Baby…

It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun: “I’m sorry Mr. Jones, the tumor has spread and is inoperable. Do you, by any chance, own a… rope or a very sharp knife?”

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages: Hell, yeah. Set the pregnant pigs free. And give them each a tube of lipstick and a gift certificate to Massage Envy.

One may not commit any “unnatural acts” with another person: So, I looked up “Unnatural Acts” and got the following: …a term, once common in legal parlance, for certain sex acts, including anal sex, oral sex, other non-procreative sexual practices, incest, or procreative sexual acts in the wrong position or without procreative intent. Unnatural acts in this sense are related to the concept of sodomy but also includes "crimes against nature" like bestiality and necrophilia. Okay, I agree that necrophilia is totally twisted and should absolutely be illegal. Score one for Florida. But, while I do agree that Kleatus should step away from the sheep and people need to stop seducing their pets with peanut butter – bestiality is not technically an unnatural act with another person. And “crime against nature?” What, like humping trees or trying to have oral sex with a babbling brook? (It might be a good way to get her to shut her up ;-) But all that other crap – oral, anal, non-procreative blah, blah, bullshit. And sexual acts in the wrong position? Come on, is there really any other way to perform them?

Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence: What is the difference between a “lewd” act and an “unnatural’ one? Lewd conduct is any unlawful act committed by an individual with the purpose of arousing the libido or sexual interest of themselves or the person towards which this action is directed… typically involve pornography, prostitution, or indecent exposure offenses. No arousing the interest of yourself or your partner or indecent exposure in your own home? So, basically they want unmarried couples to act like they’re married.

Doors of all public buildings must open outwards: Of course they must! How else do you get those fabulous slow motion shots of people storming out of buildings or happy couples leaving churches on their wedding day?

It is illegal to sell your children: This is why I won’t be moving to Florida.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner: Cause the police are totally hanging out a Curlz-n-Cuts just waiting to bust Sleepy Claudine while her perm sets.

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing: WTF? But married women can? This law is only there to benefit men who want to get rid of their wives. Total crap.

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle: Well, duh.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit: Seriously? Not only should this be a government AND church sanctioned activity - it should be a requirement.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown: In Florida? Really? Good luck with that.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal: Ding, ding, ding! We have a contender. As funny as live moose airplane pushing? Hmmmmm…. I love that someone actually got busted for porking a porcupine.

When having sex, only the missionary position is legal: Actually, this is the real reason I won’t be moving to Florida.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM: I don’t even know what to say about this one except that it’s totally awesome. And I would LOVE to see how this is enforced.

It is considered an offense to shower naked: Ooooooo, I’m going to go thumb my nose at Florida in about 15 minutes. Naked. In my shower. Rebellious soul that I am.

You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers: Or what, the Mad Hatter will come over and spank you silly? Weird law.

Oral sex is illegal: No, THIS is the real reason I won’t be moving to Florida.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts: What do you mean I can’t kiss my wife’s breasts? What about your wife’s breasts? Can I kiss them?

Stoopid State Laws: Connecticut

Okay, in Connecticut:

It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire: What the hell kind of dumb-ass law is that? A firetruck driving a snail's pace along those 3ft wide windy roads - what's the point? Seriously. The firemen may as well just ramble on out of bed, slug down the stairs - completely ignoring their oh-so convenient Speedy Stripper Pole, grab a cold beer and some Hostess snack cakes and watch a movie in the truck on the way. In the meantime the neighbors can gather around the burning building and attempt to put out the fire with their spit.

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour: Okay, so why don't the firefighters just ride bikes instead? If they can bike up to 65 miles per hour but can only drive 25 - wouldn't that make sense? They can rig a wagon of gear up to their bikes and ride like the wind. Shirtless. Hell, that would make me consider moving back to Connecticut.

Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display: Holy crap! When we lived there I thought it was charming that all the houses only had white lights at Christmas time. Had I known it was because Big Brother Burgermeister Meisterburger didn't allow it, I totally would have covered myself in colored lights and run naked through the town square.

You may not educate dogs: Well sure. If dogs are educated they might get uppity and start demanding things like bigger hydrants, cleaner parks, tastier food, the vote and fair and equal treatment under the law. Plus they would start having their own reality TV shows, which would be totally awesome. I bet Dixie-Bell and Georgie-Girl would totally give Snookie a run for her money.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce: Ding, Ding, Ding! I think the Moose pushing going on in Alaska finally has some competition! Yes, pushing a live moose out of an airplane is an incredible visual - but pickles add humor to literally any phrase or situation. (I am adding it to the list - along with lips, pants, butt and pig.) Plus, the thought of the unbearably uptight residents of Connecticut tossing pickles hither and yon attempting to make them bounce is freaking beautiful. Will it plop or will it bounce? The suspense is KILLING me!!!

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades: So what you're saying is the dwellings of Connecticut residents house jars filled with used razor blades? They are collected? Hoarded? Displayed? The mother of one of my friends when I was little used to collect the family's nail clippings. Yep. A large jar filled with years of finger and toe nails sat on the back of their toilet. All together now... Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday: But only if you first lob a pickle at her and it doesn't bounce.

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

An arcade may not have more than a total of four amusement devices such as ping-pong tables, pinball machines, or shuffleboard tables.

Silly string is banned.

It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

So, basically, the last five laws confirm what I suspected when I lived there. In Connecticut it is illegal to be happy or to have any kind of fun whatsoever.

However, that fact is totally made up for by the shirtless, pickle hurling firemen.

Stoopid State Laws: Colorado

Okay, in Colorado:

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses: Ooooo, right off the bat I’m thinking I like Colorado. They’re my kid of wild & crazy, throw caution to the wind, living on the edge kind of people.

Keeping a house where unmarried persons are allowed to have sex is prohibited: And… they just lost my affection. BOO. Come on, Colorado, isn’t one Utah enough?

Persons may not urinate in public: Duh.

It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property: Growing up in Walnut Creek, CA. I had a friend whose family owned llamas. One time they got loose and ran around the BART station. It was awesome.

Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them: I’ve always found that alcohol is best purchased and consumed in total darkness. Turns regular old Happy Hour into a daring game of mystery and suspense.

Throwing missiles at cars is illegal: And bad form, I’d say.

Catapults may not be fired at buildings: I love that someone did this – causing a law to be passed.

Couches may not be placed on outside porches: Can we have this law everywhere? Please?

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park: Don’t the dogs already know they’ve been impounded? Is posting it on trees supposed to shame the dogs into staying off the streets and out of the pool halls?

It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor: Weird. And, rude. Unless...

It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence: Wait, which one of us can't be drunk?

It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building: What if my pack mule promises to lay off the Tequila so she doesn't puke in the elevator like last time?

It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits: Now we’re talking! Except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays: Damn. Those are the only days I really feel the need to pack heat with my spurs a clankin.

Nice try, Colorado. Not quite Stoopid enough.

Next?

Stoopid State Laws: California

Okay, in California:

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. I'm sorry, but it seems to me that taverns, schools and especially places of worship are the perfect places for public mating. It's both entertaining and educational. And, again, I have to love states thinking they can legally control the activities of animals. Seriously? Rover and Fifi are going to get hauled downtown? Come on, what ever happened to a good old fashioned hosing?

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. It took me a minute to realize they were, perhaps, referring to a boat. All I can picture is Cuzin Kleatus and his band of drunken, rifle wielding hillbilly buddies - whooping it up on the beach in their jalopy pick up. And why whales? While I may have an irrational screaming fear of them - and have seen more than one YouTube video of a whale attack - I am told they are, for the most part, just giant puppies that live in the sea. Singling them out for the firing squad seems a bit rude.

Women may not drive in a house coat. Well, sure. Women shouldn't do anything in a house coat. Ever.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour. Probably a good rule. Herbie the Lovebug and KITT are getting way out of control.

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. But it says nothing about crashing a bicycle in-TO a swimming pool. Ha! No one will put an end to my favorite summertime activity. NO ONE.

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. This law should apply to alligator shoes and shark teeth as well.

It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds. And whales.

A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match. Duh. It's like the house coats. Come on, this is California people. It's not like we're in... Utah.

Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. I love the fact that this was an actual law that was officially repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor. Now I love him even more.

Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits. Oh, sure - but the men can??? Come on!

Persons may not ride their bicycles through the “Fountain of Life.” Now officially on my bucket list.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Which is why I pine for my home state on a daily basis.

Okay, while California wins the Only True State award in my book - it's just not Stoopid enough. Good effort with the whale target practice and magical speeding cars but those can't even touch Alaska's mid-flight, live moose hurling.

I honestly don't think anything will.

Stoopid State Laws: Arizona

Yes, I am aware that I did these out of order. Alphabetically, Arizona does come before Arkansas. Duh. Welcome to me and my own stoopid state.

Okay, In Arizona...

Hunting camels is prohibited. What is with states and their goofy animal laws? Not that they shouldn't have laws to protect animals but, camel hunting? In Arizona? Really? What, are camels just roaming the dunes threatening the dwellers of Mesa and Phoenix? Yeah, don't hunt them - saddle 'em up and ride 'em around.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. So, you're saying that I can tip toe around on private property wearing nothing but a tangerine mask with lime polka-dots and get a slap on the wrist, but if I shoplift a whoopee cushion or bag of Funions while wearing a red mask I'm getting locked up. That totally sucks because everybody knows crimes are only fun when committed while wearing a deep red mask covered with sequins and feathers. Now what's the daughter of a gay man supposed to do for sport? Stand outside the gates of Temple Square in a tutu and play "It's Raining Men" on the bagpipes, I guess.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. Oh, yes they can!!!

It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. But I'm still okay making the real stuff, right?

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. What kind of a dumb ass law is this??? Seriously, I am being attacked by a man who has a knife but because all I have on me is my pearl handled machete and my giant can of pepper spray disguised as a Charlies Angels thermos, I am not allowed to defend myself? That's crap, Arizona. Crap.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Well, rude certainly. But, unlawful? Maybe if you're wearing a red mask at the time of refusal.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Oh, hell no. I am crying a big, fat Just Say NO To The Man on this one. Only two dildos??? That's not even humanly possible.

Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American. What if I offer her a glass of water first?

If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined. Well, sure. Only the Native Americans are for bothering. Duh.

No more than six girls may live in any house. Excuse me? Sorry Brother and Sister Johnson, your sixth and seventh daughters must be sold to the gypsies. Sucks to be you.

A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up. Totally awesome law.

An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders. I agree. Suspenders are lame. Especially the rainbow Mork from Ork ones I wore in 6th grade to hold up my bell bottomed Dittos and bright yellow Chemin de Fers.

No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. How about their camel?

It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling. I can't even figure out what this one means. Seriously.

Women may not wear pants. Okay, you asked for it...

Okay, while Arizona at least allows two dildos, which is better than the complete ban in Alabama, it still is not the winner. A donkey in a bathtub did make me laugh out loud - but not nearly as loud as the live moose being pushed from an airplane. Alaska still wins.

Stoopid State Laws: Arkansas

Okay, in Arkansas...

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. Okay, well I definitely think this is a good idea - sounds like they are taking their flood control seriously. But, it also wins them the Most Arrogant State Award [thus far.] Putting laws into place to control what? The river? The rain? The Gods of weather? Yeah, good luck with that.

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise. Sounds like Warren Jeffs is one of them there law makers. What's wrong with bobbed hair??? That squeaky clean, controlled, uptight, little-girl-hair-do-on-a-grown-up just too damn wild fer yer yungins?

A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month. Well, sure. More than once a month would just be exhausting. If you don't conserve your energy, you'll never get around to raping your cousin. Can't have that.

Oral sex is considered to be sodomy. But it's not. Well... unless it is. Maybe Kleatus ain't too educated on anatomy and what goes where. I guess with enough moonshine in his belly one never knows where his wife beatin' tongue might end up. This one is totally bugging me because, seriously, it's not.

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. Kill joy.

No one may “suddenly start or stop" their car at a McDonald’s. Well, sure. That would just throw the universe into a tail spin and we would never again know how many have been served. Seriously?

Dogs may not bark after 6 PM. Again, gotta love them thinking they can put laws in place to control the uncontrollable. How the hell is this one enforced???

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term. Wow - fun place to live. Except... we know what flirting leads to. Maybe Kleatus isn't the only one who doesn't know what goes where. In public. Maybe these folks know what they're doing with this one.

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday. Okay, I get it. This one totally explains the law against flirting. I think that there is more going on there in Arkansas than meets the eye. And I'm thinking that maybe the livestock do deserve a break for a few hours once a week. And I'm thinking I never want to go to Arkansas. Ever.

Lame laws. Not a single one involving a Moose. Alaska is still the winner.

Stoopid State Laws: Alaska

Okay, in Alaska...

Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.What, so if I'm in an airplane and just happen to look down and spot a moose, the moose police are going to, what? Handcuff me to my teeny, tiny seat? Give me a Time Out in the teeny, tiny bathroom? Not give me my teeny tiny bag of peanuts? Make me drink that teeny tiny, nasty-ass can of water, or worse, that stuff they call orange juice? Push me out the door? Take me to Alabama and flick boogers at me?

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited. Well, damn. I always like to jostle a sleeping bear to get that hilariously spontaneous photo to post on Facebook. Now what do I do?

It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. Bah-hahahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm thinking this wins Alaska the award already. WTF???

No one may tie their pet dog to the roof of a car. But it's still okay to put the kids up there, right?

Persons may not live in a trailer as it is being hauled across the city. Well, where's the fun in that?

Clowns beware! This is all the law stated. Gotta say, I'm a little scared.

It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. I'm totally moving to Alaska. There is a ton of awesome moose-play going on up there.

Owners of flamingos may not let their pet into barber shops. There are flamingos in Alaska??? This one is almost as good as pushing the moose out of an airplane. Almost. But, not quite. Pushing a moose out of an airplane... Bah-hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

One may not roam the city with a bow and arrows. Just try and stop me.

Persons may not allow “attractive nuisances” to exist. So, why the hell is Sarah Palin still alive?

Okay, so far Alaska is the winner - even though the Governor of Alabama is campaigning hard. I think the moose in the airplane thing has him worried. It should. That can't possibly be topped. Can it?

I tell you, I can't wait to find out...

Who Let Kuzin Kleatus In That Thar Votin' Booth?

Okay, so my post on sex toys being illegal in Alabama got me wondering about other dumb-ass laws upheld in our most Hillbilly-friendly states. Holy crap, turns out every one of our freaking United States has the most ridiculous and, I must say, beautifully hysterical laws. And, being the Patriotic Poster-child that I am - I am going to mock each and every one of them. The states not the laws. No one has THAT much time...

Alabama:

Incestuous marriages are legal. True story: My dearest male cousin D. and I lived together before getting married. To other people. During his annual temple recommend interview, our bishop came to the question about sexual purity, looked D. gravely in the eyes and said, "I have to tell you that this living situation with you and Emily really concerns me. She's a beautiful girl, you're a good looking guy. You never know what could happen in a moment of weakness." D, trying not to vomit on the desk, said, "Bishop you do realize we're first cousins. My dad and her mom are brother and sister." The embarrassed bishop replied, "Well, I guess I can discontinue this line of questioning, can't I?" Don't think for a second that we don't, on occasion, still run toes up and down one another's shins and screech in our best Pee-Wee Herman voice, "I'm feeling weeeeeak..." Ewwwwww... Legal incestuous marriages. Barf. No offense D, but in the land of For Real nothing could make me feel that weak. But, just to be safe, we should stay out of Alabama. They outlaw sex toys. I'm just sayin...

Bear wrestling. It is illegal to wrestle a bear. Dammit. That is my favorite activity - second only to Formicophilia. Look it up. No, don't. It's gross. And I am just kidding. I don't actually like bear wrestling.

It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church. Bah-hahahahahahahahaha!!! Totally awesome! Why didn't I think of doing that when I was a church goer?

Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death. There are hefty jail sentences for theft, assault, rape, drug trafficking but this they'll kill you for. How 'bout just a little pepper?

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Well, duh. Kleatus really needs to be told not to do this? Oh, yeah - he married his sister. Utah is looking better all the time.

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Ya think?

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. So a woman can NEVER EVER EVER get deflowered in Alabama? Their only options are lesbianism and Vegas. Sweet.

Stupidest State Award? Granted, it is the first one, but so far, Alabama wins by an inbred, booger flickin, mile.