Delaware:
The first of the laws just kind of seem to make sense:
“R” rated movies shall not be shown at drive-in theaters; It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment (I also think it’s grounds for finding oneself plopped in the loony bin); No person shall change clothes in his or her vehicle…
There are a couple laws that make me scratch my head:
It is illegal to wear pants that are “firm fitting” around the waist: I guess threat of jail is one way to get rid of those unsightly muffin tops.
One may not whisper in church: Cause sign language is less distracting? Personally, I prefer telepathy in the House of the Lord.
Alcohol may not be served in nightclubs if dancing is occurring on the premises at the same time: A bunch of drunk people standing around doing nothing. Fun nightclub.
Six-year-old girls may not run around without being fully clothed: But four-year-olds, and all girls seven and older… It’s a Delaware Schoolgirls Gone Wild streak fest.
No person shall pretend to sleep on a bench on the boardwalk: But a person can sleep for real on a bench no problem? And, how the hell can they tell if the person is pretending - they giggle because no one in Deleware passed Acting 101?
Blah, blah, boring. Delaware, thou art lame.
Florida: gimme something, Baby…
It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun: “I’m sorry Mr. Jones, the tumor has spread and is inoperable. Do you, by any chance, own a… rope or a very sharp knife?”
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages: Hell, yeah. Set the pregnant pigs free. And give them each a tube of lipstick and a gift certificate to Massage Envy.
One may not commit any “unnatural acts” with another person: So, I looked up “Unnatural Acts” and got the following: …a term, once common in legal parlance, for certain sex acts, including anal sex, oral sex, other non-procreative sexual practices, incest, or procreative sexual acts in the wrong position or without procreative intent. Unnatural acts in this sense are related to the concept of sodomy but also includes "crimes against nature" like bestiality and necrophilia. Okay, I agree that necrophilia is totally twisted and should absolutely be illegal. Score one for Florida. But, while I do agree that Kleatus should step away from the sheep and people need to stop seducing their pets with peanut butter – bestiality is not technically an unnatural act with another person. And “crime against nature?” What, like humping trees or trying to have oral sex with a babbling brook? (It might be a good way to get her to shut her up ;-) But all that other crap – oral, anal, non-procreative blah, blah, bullshit. And sexual acts in the wrong position? Come on, is there really any other way to perform them?
Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence: What is the difference between a “lewd” act and an “unnatural’ one? Lewd conduct is any unlawful act committed by an individual with the purpose of arousing the libido or sexual interest of themselves or the person towards which this action is directed… typically involve pornography, prostitution, or indecent exposure offenses. No arousing the interest of yourself or your partner or indecent exposure in your own home? So, basically they want unmarried couples to act like they’re married.
Doors of all public buildings must open outwards: Of course they must! How else do you get those fabulous slow motion shots of people storming out of buildings or happy couples leaving churches on their wedding day?
It is illegal to sell your children: This is why I won’t be moving to Florida.
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner: Cause the police are totally hanging out a Curlz-n-Cuts just waiting to bust Sleepy Claudine while her perm sets.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing: WTF? But married women can? This law is only there to benefit men who want to get rid of their wives. Total crap.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle: Well, duh.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit: Seriously? Not only should this be a government AND church sanctioned activity - it should be a requirement.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown: In Florida? Really? Good luck with that.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal: Ding, ding, ding! We have a contender. As funny as live moose airplane pushing? Hmmmmm…. I love that someone actually got busted for porking a porcupine.
When having sex, only the missionary position is legal: Actually, this is the real reason I won’t be moving to Florida.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 PM: I don’t even know what to say about this one except that it’s totally awesome. And I would LOVE to see how this is enforced.
It is considered an offense to shower naked: Ooooooo, I’m going to go thumb my nose at Florida in about 15 minutes. Naked. In my shower. Rebellious soul that I am.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers: Or what, the Mad Hatter will come over and spank you silly? Weird law.
Oral sex is illegal: No, THIS is the real reason I won’t be moving to Florida.
You may not kiss your wife’s breasts: What do you mean I can’t kiss my wife’s breasts? What about your wife’s breasts? Can I kiss them?
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